


Sweet Pea

by worriedpeach (skeletonflowers)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Restaurants, Verbal Abuse, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-22
Updated: 2018-03-15
Packaged: 2018-12-05 13:39:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 34
Words: 131,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11579184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skeletonflowers/pseuds/worriedpeach
Summary: A nickname that goes bitter in your mouth. Cries for help that no one listens to. Gentle hands that make you quake on the ground you’re standing on. When Phil first met Nico, he thought he was a gift from the heavens. But behind the mask lies something daunting, something unnerving, that Phil never foresaw. Through his journey, he finds solace in Dan, the regular at his workplace, who seems to be the only one who sees through Nico’s mask to the darkness underneath.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> It’s here! The eagerly awaited ‘Nico fic’ as i’ve been calling it! I’m so excited for you guys to actually read it! Special thanks to @littlelionsloves and @snowbunnylester for looking this fic over and feeding me ideas like a momma bird! You guys are wonderful! This fic holds a very special meaning to me because it’s based off of a relationship I had when I was 14 years old. That means that the majority (about 75%) of this fic has actually happened before, either to me or to some of my friends. Parts have been dramatized for maximum effect. I mainly decided to write this because I have read many fics about abuse that were simply not correct or were romanticized, and many of those fics had hundreds of comments saying how wonderful it was. Abuse is not pretty. Abuse can tear people down and make the victim a completely different person. It can ruin you. Abuse can also come in many forms. Just because you think ‘well, they haven’t hit me’ does not mean it isn’t abusive. Verbal, emotional, sexual, and financial abuse are just as scary and harmful as physical, but you don’t see those spoken about often. And that is why I’m writing this fic, to spread awareness. 
> 
> This fic updates on Saturdays

_I saw you across the room and I knew that this is gonna blossom into something beautiful. You're beautiful_.

-

When there was a new student in class, it was the talk for days. It wasn’t like new students were anything exciting or intriguing in the least, but everybody gossiped about it nonetheless.

 _Did you see the new guy?_ The question always made Phil want to hit whoever said it, because seriously. They studied at a relatively large university. It wasn’t as if a new person in class was rare in the slightest. But Phil didn’t hit anybody, no, because he liked his classmates nonetheless and he didn’t think he could hurt anybody, regardless of what came out of their mouths. 

The news spread like wildfire, even though it was a boring Wednesday afternoon and everybody was tired from a mixture of having to go to school and work within the same day. Phil could feel his own exhaustion spreading through his bones, but he ignored it as he sipped at coffee from a pastel pink mug while he waited for the professor to start teaching. He was currently in Philosophy, which was both his favourite and most dreaded class.

“The new guy is here!” Chandler exclaimed, sliding into the desk next to Phil’s. She grabbed onto Phil’s shoulders with her manicured hands and shook him slightly. A bit of coffee sloshed out of the cup and onto Phil’s hand, but Chandler didn’t seem to notice. “Have you seen, Phil?”

Phil huffed and set the mug on his desk, wiping his hands on his trousers, not caring if they stained. He shook his head. “I haven’t,” he admitted.

Chandler’s eyes lit up and Phil didn’t have the heart to tell her that it wasn’t really a big deal that someone else had joined the class. She began to rant, talking as quickly as possible so that she could get in everything she needed to say before they were commanded to be quiet. 

“His name’s Nico, and oh my God, Phil. He is probably the most beautiful person I’ve ever laid eyes on. Besides you, of course.” Phil glared at her as she patted his head affectionately. Even though Phil was six foot two, Chandler wasn’t much shorter than him and she liked to flaunt that fact all the time. “Green eyes, curly dark hair, and freckles. _Freckles_ , Phil!”

“Oh no, not the freckles!” Phil giggled in mock horror, lifting his hands up like he was pleading with her. “I’m sure I’ll fall head over heels for him at this rate!”

Phil didn’t know what was coming for him. 

He tried to ignore the buzz that always came with getting a new new student, and instead tried to focus on his notes. It didn’t help that the guy was super attractive, apparently, so _everyone_ was talking about it. 

Just as Phil was about to throw hands, he finally figured out what all the hype was about. When he caught sight of Nico, the air was completely knocked out of his lungs, as if he’d been punched right in the gut. His eyes widened and he ignored the knowing look Chandler cast him from the side. It was just, Nico was _gorgeous_. He was literally the kind of guy that Phil dreamt about at night. He had tanned skin - skin that was so smooth that he could probably star in a face moisturizer commercial. There was a small smattering of freckles across his nose, and he had green eyes so dark that it was as if there was a forest in his eyes. He was talking to Phil’s professor, his pink lips absolutely mesmerizing, and when he smiled, his teeth were straight and so white it was blinding. Phil could already tell that he was completely and utterly screwed before he’d even talked to the man. 

Just then, his professor turned to look at the class with a wide grin and gestured for Nico to take a seat anywhere. Phil froze like a deer in headlights and tried to tear his gaze away because Nico was beginning to walk over to the empty seat beside him and it was almost too much for Phil to handle.

“Happy Wednesday!” his professor, Dr. Thornburg, said cheerfully. “Today we’re going to be talking about existentialism and Sartre’s views on the topic of how everything in the world is weirder than it seems.” 

“What’s your name?” a whisper came from beside him, and Phil didn’t have to look to know who it was. He looked anyway, his heart pounding in his chest as he took in the actual angel sitting beside him, the softest and friendliest look on his face. 

“Phil,” he murmured back.

Nico chuckled, extending his hand. It was callused and warm, completely engulfing Phil’s in a firm yet soft handshake. “Nice to meet you. I’m sure we’ll get along plenty well,” Nico said in an American accent that completely took Phil off guard. It wasn’t unusual for him to meet someone from the United States, especially because he went to a pretty diverse university, but there was just something about Nico that had made Phil believe he was British. “It’s a pleasure,” Phil responded, because it really was. He wanted to thank Nico’s parents for making such a wonderful specimen, for bringing this beautiful man into the world for Phil to gape at like an idiot. 

-

Class definitely became much more exciting after Nico joined. Phil found himself yearning for the day when he could finally see Nico again, when he could finally speak with him and learn more about him. He found a new side of him that was shy, one that made him almost _afraid_ to talk to Nico, because Nico was definitely out of Phil’s league and Phil knew it. 

Yet he still kept trying to talk to him, clinging to the hope that maybe - just maybe - Phil could make Nico fall for him as well. 

Chandler was right there beside him teasing him about it, telling him that Nico _totally_ had the hots for him, that he looked at Phil as if he had put the stars in the sky all by himself. Phil would always tell her that she was wrong, that Nico was only being nice because he was new. And besides, just because Phil was gay didn’t mean every man who wanted to be friends with him was as well.

He still couldn’t seem to calm the way his heart seemed to beat faster every time Nico was in the room, however. 

Despite the fact that he was a grown, twenty year old man, Phil still felt like a schoolgirl with her first crush. He was _obsessed_. He couldn’t think of anything other than pretty American accents when he was falling asleep. When he looked at the night sky, he imagined the stars were freckles dotting tan cheeks. Grass and trees reminded him of soft green irises.

It didn’t help that Nico was such a charming person as well. He would greet Phil with a wide smile every day, his voice soft as he’d say something like, “That shirt looks really nice on you.” Phil’s stomach was in knots every time Nico stood up, pulling Phil’s chair out for him.

He’d take the seat, blushing, and utter his thanks with a soft tone of voice. It was always hard to speak for a moment afterwards, his mouth dry and his heart doing weird flip flops in his chest. It was as if all of his blood was pounding through his ears, the sounds around them becoming muffled as he tried to calm himself down. How strange that Nico could affect him that much. 

His obsession only became worse as they grew closer. Nico’s compliments started to turn into conversations of _how was your day yesterday_? And _what do you like to do in your free time_? Each time they spoke, Phil could feel his heart yearning more and more for someone he knew he probably couldn’t have. 

Except for the fact that maybe Phil _could_ have him, as he would soon find out. 

Their combined class often became Phil’s source of excitement for the week. He couldn’t help but feel his entire body practically vibrate throughout the entire lecture about Sartre, his eyes continuously skirting over to where Nico was sat, his long legs stretched out underneath the desk. Chandler had made it a game to count how many times Phil looked over at him during their fifty minute class, and Phil was ashamed to admit his high score remained at twenty-six.

After class, the triad would stand and make their way out of the vicinity, weaving through the other students until they were standing against the side of the building. Phil leaned against the brick, crossing his arms and smiling at Nico as he chattered about their assignment due on Friday. His eyes ended up inching towards Nico’s lips, and he couldn’t help himself as he stared at the way Nico formed his words with those pretty pink lips, his tongue flicking out every so often.

He was so distracted, that he almost didn’t notice when Chandler nudged him, staring at him questioningly. “What are you going to write about?” she asked, flicking a piece of blonde hair behind her ear. Phil hummed, trying to remember what the assignment was even _about_. “Probably existentialism and how I agree that things are stranger than they seem,” Phil told her, trying to ignore how Nico was staring at him underneath thick eyelashes. The green of his eyes seemed especially vibrant today and Phil had to be careful not to get hypnotized. “What about you guys?” “I just _told you_ ,” Chandler whined and Phil cringed. 

“Sorry,” he murmured, scratching the back of his head. It was Nico who spoke then, his voice soft and teasing all at once. For a moment, Phil marvelled at the fact that such a beautiful specimen was hanging out with them in the first place. What could be so interesting about them, anyway? 

“Don’t apologise, Phil,” Nico said, and Phil’s eyes were drawn back towards those pretty lips of his. “You shouldn’t be sorry when you’re looking at me like _that_.”

There was a beat of silence as the words sunk into them, and then Phil felt his eyes widen and his cheeks heat up with mortification. Nico had noticed? He knew that Phil was checking him out? And why did he feel the need to point that out in the first place?! Phil could probably die from embarrassment right then and there. 

“Sorry!” Phil squeaked again as Chandler snickered beside him. He resisted the urge to hide his face - or perhaps even smack himself - and averted his eyes from his newest friend. “I told you not to be sorry,” Nico told him, swatting his shoulder lightly. He was grinning, but it did nothing to calm Phil down. “I never said I don’t like it when you look at me.” Phil blushed so hard he wondered how he didn’t get a nose bleed like the girls in those animes he enjoyed watching so much. He chuckled abashedly and ran a nervous hand through his fringe, pulling slightly. “I…” he started, swallowing. He didn’t know what to say. “I’m sorry?” he ended up offering again, and Chandler groaned, but Nico’s smile didn’t waver at all. “That’s disgusting,” Chandler muttered, but the two men ignored her. “If you say sorry one more time, I’ll smack that word right out of your mouth,” Nico teased, and he prodded his finger into Phil’s stomach, making him giggle. It certainly made him relax when he felt like he was going to burst, at least. Then Nico sighed. “I should get going. I have to take an exam before three,” he said, pouting out his lip.

Phil mimicked his facial expression, and Chandler just offered him a high five and a, “You can do this!” Phil, however, was still in the aftershocks of what had just happened. Firstly, Nico had noticed his staring. Secondly, Nico didn’t _mind_ his staring. And thirdly, Nico _liked_ his staring? What kind of fairytale bullshit was this? He must be making this up.

After Nico had taken his leave, Chandler turned to Phil with her arms crossed over her chest and a disappointed expression on her face. She tsked at him. “What?” Phil asked skeptically.

“You,” Chandler replied in an accusatory way, pointing her finger at him, “are the _worst_ kind of person.” “Me?! What did I do?”

Chandler just shook her head, and then she did a literal facepalm. She sighed, long and drawn out, and then rubbed her hand all over her face. “You can never tell when a man is flirting with you. It is the most pathetic thing to watch.”

Phil flinched away from her as if he’d been slapped. He gasped, gaped, tried to calm down his suddenly fast heart. 

“Flirting? Is that what you think that was?” He couldn’t seem to wrap his head around that. There was no way Nico was flirting or doing any sort of relationship building with him other than out of friendliness. Nico was too perfect. He was too charismatic, too outgoing, to be interested in someone as nerdy and lonely as Phil.

“You’re so daft,” Chandler groaned, throwing her hands in the air. “He told you that he liked when you looked at him like a lovesick puppy! How is that not flirting?”

“He’s just being friendly,” Phil assured her, but Chandler wasn’t having it. She just shook her head, looking thoroughly and utterly disappointed. 

“You have a hot guy pining after you and you don’t even realise it. If only I was as lucky as you.” For a moment, Phil thought he heard something like envy in her tone, but she didn’t show it on her face in the slightest. He must have been imagining it after all. “Before you utter another peep, I’m outta here. I can’t deal with any more stupidity today.” Phil snorted, and now it was his time to glare at her. “Fine, but I’ll prove you wrong,” he promised her. “In your dreams, Lester.”

-

It was Phil who ended up being proven wrong.

“Come to the library with me. Let’s go on a date,” Nico said nonchalantly one day as Phil squeezed into his chair. They’d made it a habit of meeting up in the classroom twenty minutes before class started, leaving them to an empty room for a few minutes before other students started to arrive. 

Phil nearly dropped his coffee, turning to gape at Nico. “A _date_?” Phil asked, making sure he’d heard right. 

Nico’s eyebrows raised, but the smile didn’t disappear from his face. “Yeah, unless I’ve been reading the signs wrong?”

“To the _library_ ,” Phil deadpanned before he could stop himself. “I can’t believe the man I’ve been pining after for weeks would invite me to a date at the _library_.”

“Do you oppose? I know I can definitely make it special for you.” 

And how could Phil say no to that? Shaking his head with a surprised laugh, he couldn’t keep the grin from splitting his face so wide that it hurt. “I’m holding you to that then,” Phil warned Nico. “If I don’t have a good time, then I’m suing you.”

It made Nico laugh, and Phil was overcome with pride for saying something that his crush thought was funny. He nudged Phil’s shoulder, and the touch burned in the best of ways. “I have every confidence that you’re not going to have to sue me,” Nico replied softly, giving Phil one of the fondest smiles he’d ever seen. The reaction his heart had to that smile was almost instantaneous, starting to beat so erratically that he was positive Nico could hear it.

“It’s a date, then.” 

Just then, people started to pour into the room, and Phil caught sight of Chandler smirking at him as she walked over to them. She was _always_ smirking at Phil now, every single time he was talking to Nico. It was annoying, but he loved her to death so he tried to deal with it. When she saw his large grin, she seemed to smirk even more. 

“What’s with the grin?” she asked, squeezing into her usual seat beside Phil. He shook his head, but his smile was so big he wasn’t sure he could possibly hide it. “Nothing,” he sang, even though Chandler could clearly see the way Nico was looking rather smug beside him and the way Phil couldn’t seem to stop beaming at everyone who passed. She didn’t say anything about it though, just shook her head and muttered something about how boys in love were gross. It made Phil’s cheeks turn rosy, but it didn’t wipe the smile from his face in the slightest. 

Class that day went by much slower than usual. Phil was too distracted, too excited by the proposition of a date to pay attention. His eyes kept flickering to Nico without his permission, and from there on he would get lost in a flurry of day dreams. 

What would a library date entail? Would they just study together? Or did he actually have something planned? Phil had to admit, the library wasn’t his ideal spot for a date, but there was no doubt in his mind that Nico could make it memorable. 

And Phil _did_ like reading (and Nico) after all, so there was no way this could turn out bad. 

When class was over, his stomach immediately erupted with butterflies - ones that made him slightly nauseous but were pleasant nonetheless. He turned to Nico to ask when they were going to the library, but Chandler interrupted him before he could get a word out. 

“Are you working tonight?” she asked him curiously, tucking a piece of blonde hair behind her ear. Phil nodded and was able to conjure up a smile despite his initial annoyance at being interrupted. “Yeah, I work at six. You gonna be there too?”

Chandler smiled and put her hands on his shoulders, shaking him slightly. “You bet your ass I will. Let’s go out to eat before work! Maybe we can get some burritos or something. Or would you prefer tacos? Tacos are good too, but I think burritos are superior. Unless you’re feeling a quesadilla-?”

“He’s going on a date with me before work today,” Nico responded, efficiently cutting off Chandler’s excited rambling. “Maybe you guys can go out to eat next time.”

“Oh,” Chandler said stupidly, staring between the two of them with her mouth slightly agape. “Well shit, don’t let me ruin your date then. Although I won’t let you off so easily next time, Philip.” She pushed Phil towards Nico, her eyes sparkling, and Phil’s stomach filled with warmth. He loved his friend so dearly. “Now run along, you two. I’ve been having to deal with your dumb crushes for a few weeks now and I’m sick of it.”

They all laughed, and Phil could feel himself beginning to relax. Even though Nico was literally the most attractive person in the world, he was still a person as well. In fact, he was probably just as nervous as Phil was.

“On that note, we’ll take our leave,” Nico said, saluting Chandler with a kind expression. 

They all said their goodbyes, and then Phil and Nico were off, heading towards the library with excitement bursting in their bellies that threatened to bubble over. Phil couldn’t get the stupid smile off of his face. He wanted to reach out and entwine their fingers, but he didn’t for the fear that it was too soon. 

This was their first date, after all. He didn’t want to ruin it by being too clingy right from the get-go. 

For once, he was going on a date with a guy he liked. A guy he liked _a lot_. You bet your ass that Phil wasn’t going to let this go horribly wrong like he did with most other things. On top of that, it was their first time hanging out outside of class, and Phil was either going to puke from nerves, or just clam up completely. 

They came to the library not soon after, because it was only a two minute walk from the Philosophy building. The air between them was filled with nervous chatter, with Nico talking about his classes, and Phil laughing along and nodding while trying to stop the endless freakout erupting in his belly.

The library was always one of Phil’s favourite places to go when he needed a break from the real world, one he could always count on to propel him into fantasy. The library itself was much like a fairytale, with dark wooden floors and arched ceilings that had artwork painted on them. There were marble statues of deer and women reading. Large bookcases filled the walls, books piled together all the way up to the ceiling. Sometimes when Phil closed his eyes, he could imagine that he was a prince in his very own library, the calming silence melting the tension inside of him. And now he got to share this with the man of his affections.

“Do you have a specific genre you like to read?” Nico asked, putting a hand on the small of Phil’s back. Phil tried to hide the way his face heated up at this action, but he didn’t think it worked very well. 

He shrugged, suddenly embarrassed at his taste in books. “I’m still stuck in the young adult section most of the time,” he mumbled. “I like supernatural stuff and things that can just pull you into the world without a second thought.” 

Nico nodded in understanding and started to lead the way towards the young adult section. He didn’t ridicule Phil for his taste in books, even though he was a twenty year old man who probably shouldn’t have been reading books where the protagonist was younger than him. But he just couldn’t help it, they were so easy to read, so easy to get sucked into.

“Have you read Ellen Hopkins before?” Nico asked, skimming the bookshelves and trailing his slender fingers over the spines. He stopped at a particular book that had a red cover and pulled it out. The word _Impulse_ blared at Phil in large black letters.

He shook his head and took the book when it was held out to him. “I haven’t. Is she good?” 

“My favourite. Her works are so beautiful and relatable. She writes about topics that are important to understand, and does research on every topic to make sure it’s accurate. I’ve never read anything like hers.”

Phil smiled and hugged the book to his chest, promising himself that he was going to read it as soon as he got home that night. He wanted to have a little piece of Nico that he could relate to, something they could talk about and discuss. A person’s favourite books said a lot about them, told who they were as a person, what kinds of things they liked.

They ended up pulling out their favourite books, handing them to each other if the other person hadn’t read it yet. It was a simple date, one of hushed voices and recommendations. They learned about each other through books, their likes and dislikes, what makes them tick, what makes them stay up at night. Phil admitted that he stayed up all night to read a book called Night World, while Nico poked fun at him and told Phil that he was so lame for reading a book about vampires. Later, he admitted that he read Fifty Shades of Gray and didn’t think it was as bad as people thought it was, which Phil took full advantage of and began to tease him that Nico was actually into that kind of stuff.

It was fun. It was relaxing, like they were two long lost friends who were finally reunited. They sat at one of the study tables, stacks of books around them, Nico’s foot gently nudging Phil’s. Phil had his eyes closed and Nico was reading a book to him in a soft tone, one of velvet that made all of Phil’s worries float out the door. He was reading _Dante’s Inferno_ , which was apparently his favourite book of all time. Phil didn’t really understand it, but Nico’s voice was enough to made him enjoy it anyway. 

“Death could scarce be more bitter than that place!” Nico read quietly, and Phil allowed himself to draw closer to him, resting their shoulders together so he could look at the book and follow along. “But since it came to good, I will recount all that I found revealed there by God’s grace. How I came to it I cannot rightly say, so drugged and loose with sleep had I become when I first wandered there from the True way. But at the far end of that valley of evil whose maze had sapped my very heart with fear!”

He continued on and Phil listened, making sense out of it the best that he possibly could. It wasn’t too hard to follow along when Nico’s voice was so mesmerizing that he was hanging on every word he said. Phil took a bite out of the candy bar Nico had bought him to try and keep himself awake, no matter how difficult it was when Nico’s soothing voice could lull him into a peaceful sleep. “And he then: “Follow.” And he moved ahead in silence, and I followed where he led,” Nico finished, closing the book. He looked over at Phil with a blinding grin on his face, one that made his nose scrunch up and his green eyes sparkle in the light. “That’s the end of the first part! Do you like it?” “I like it when you’re the one reading to me,” Phil told him honestly, knocking him with his shoulder. The smile on Nico’s face brought butterflies to Phil’s insides. He loved seeing how happy books made him, how they could bring such a bright smile to his face. He loved when people talked to him about their interests.

Nico chuckled and put an arm around his shoulder, bringing him closer to him. Phil could hear his heart pounding in his ears, could feel the blood rushing through his veins. Was this a dream? Maybe he should pinch himself to make sure.

“I’ll read to you whenever you want me to,” Nico said softly. “I really had fun with you, Phil. Let’s do this again sometime, alright?”

Phil nodded eagerly, feeling dizzy. Nico’s face was so close to his own that it was hard to breathe. His eyes were the brightest shade of green, hills of rolling grass, and his lips were pale and pink and oh-so-kissable. He could feel his breath against his own lips and- oh God, was Nico leaning in? In what seemed to be a miracle, Nico _was_ , indeed, leaning in. His eyes were fluttering closed, his eyelashes making black crescents on his cheeks. Phil’s eyes widened for a moment before he let himself relax, allowing himself to be pulled into Nico like a magnet. The moment that their lips touched, Phil completely melted. He became pliant, almost like Nico had cast a spell on him, and just relished in the touch of those perfect lips against his own. It was like nothing he had ever experienced before and it was all he’d ever wanted. Phil had always been a fan of kissing. He enjoyed the closeness it brought between two people, enjoyed how everyone had a different style. 

Kissing Nico was soft. It was like morning dew caressing flower petals. The brush of wind against tanned skin. Nico’s thumb was grazing against his cheekbone, rubbing at his skin like Phil was a precious object that he was trying to protect. It was one of Phil’s favourite kisses by far, and one that made him fall for Nico all over again. 

When they pulled apart, Phil could tell that his cheeks were the colour of peonies and his breath was coming out in quick puffs of air. Nico pressed his lips to his nose, smiling, and Phil could have sworn he was in a fairytale. Nico was the prince come to save Phil from his horribly boring life only to push him into a new life of adventure and adoration, and Phil was falling head first into it.

“Be my boyfriend,” Nico whispered against Phil’s lips when he went to kiss him again, and Phil could have sworn he’d stopped breathing for a moment. He opened his mouth, then closed it, trying to formulate his thoughts, but before he could get anything out, Nico was whispering, “Say yes,” against his lips, and Phil knew he wouldn’t be able to speak after all. 

He could do nothing else but nod his head eagerly, his eyes wide and full of astonishment. Nico grazed his lips against Phil’s, and Phil allowed himself to get lost to the feeling, to sink into the feel of Nico’s body pressed against his, and the fireworks burning his lips. Phil couldn’t help but think of how quickly things had moved between them, how eager Nico was to kickstart their relationship already. However, he couldn’t find himself to care. Not when Nico’s lips were so soft that it made his head go all fuzzy, not when his heart was nearly bursting out of his chest with excitement.

They kissed until they couldn’t kiss anymore, and Phil could truly admit that he had never been with someone so skilled before. Sadly, eventually, though, they had to leave. 

When the time came, Phil gathered the books in his arms and followed Nico to the checkout. He could barely take his eyes off of him, his _boyfriend_. Even the word was like a dream come true to Phil. How could he have gotten so lucky so quickly?

The librarian was a cute, petite girl with a shock of blue hair and dark brown eyes. She gave them a smile as they approached, and itched her nose, which bore a silver septum piercing. Phil thought that she was absolutely adorable, her voice chipper and kind as she scanned their books. Of course, he thought Nico was even more gorgeous, but perhaps he was biased. She put their books into bags to help them carry them, and gave them a hearty goodbye as they began to walk away. “She looked like a bull,” Nico said nonchalantly, almost conversationally, as he grabbed Phil’s hand in his. Phil took a moment to gape at the fact that they were _holding hands_ before deciding to reply.

“What?” Phil asked, giving him a confused glance. “How?”

Nico shrugged and leaned in close to Phil to peck him on the cheek. “The septum piercing. They’re pretty gross aren’t they?”

Phil furrowed his eyebrows. “I thought she was very pretty actually.”

“She was! She’d just be prettier without that thing in her nose,” Nico commented. He squeezed Phil’s hand and gave him a small smile. “As long as you don’t get one, we’ll be just fine. Otherwise I’ll have to rip it out of your nose!” To accentuate his point, he reached out and flicked Phil on the nose, causing him to laugh warmly. Could Nico be any cuter? “Good thing I don’t want to get one, then. Wouldn’t want you to hurt my gorgeous nose.”

“I don’t think I could hurt you anyway, even if you _did_ get one of those,” Nico told him quietly, as if it were a secret. “You’re too cute to get hurt.”

Phil’s stomach erupted with those annoying butterflies again, which came as no surprise. He assumed that they would be around for as long as Nico was there. It was just too hard for Phil to stop getting so happy whenever his crush - his _boyfriend_ \- said something sweet about him. He felt as if he was floating on air all the time, as if he was standing atop the whitest and fluffiest cloud, the sun beaming down on him. 

It was gross, but Phil couldn’t help it. He was a lovesick fool, after all.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to littlelionslove and snowbunnylester for editing this for me!!! The song lyrics at the beginning are from the song "I Don't Mind" by Defeater!

_And I don't mind if we take our time, 'Cause I'm all yours if you're all mine_.

-

Work was hard when Phil just wanted to be hanging out with Nico. A couple of days had passed since they had started dating, and Phil couldn’t be happier with his life right now. Nico treated him like an actual prince, and in turn, Phil fell for him more and more every single day. He could already tell that there was a very large chance that he would fall in actual love with the guy. Ah, _love_. Such a strange thought, especially when he thought about how perfect Nico was. He didn’t really understand how Nico wanted to be with _Phil_ of all people, when he was an ethereal human being himself. Nico, with his American accent and his pretty green eyes and his _freckles_. It was hardly fair that someone was that beautiful. 

And yet, Phil was able to call him his own. What sort of miracle was that? His phone vibrated in his pocket and he clenched his teeth together to stop himself from answering it. His manager, Cleo, was super strict about phones while they were working, claiming it made them look as if they were slacking. Occasionally Phil could sneak a quick text in, but he knew it was risky, especially when Cleo could poke her head around the corner and see him at any given moment.

“Phil, Dan’s here,” Chandler said, rounding the corner. She had a bunch of dirty dishes stacked on her tray, her other hand putting the tray jack on the rack. She gave Phil a smirk and fluttered her eyelashes. “I swear, that boy is totally head over heels for you. Why else would he come by himself every week just to have you as his server?” Phil scowled at her and resisted the urge to smack the dirty dishes from her grip. If they were anywhere other than work, he might have, but he didn’t want to get fired. Yet. 

“Don’t look at me like that,” he reprimanded. “First of all, it’s not true. And even if it were, it’d never happen. I have a _boyfriend_ now, remember?”

Chandler snorted. “Boring,” she muttered as she walked away, towards the dish room. He knew that she didn’t mean it, that she was just having a bit of fun with him, but he couldn’t stop himself from rolling his eyes anyway. She always teased him about Dan, stating that the man fancied Phil, hence the reason he even ate at LaBella’s in the first place. That was just ridiculous, in Phil’s opinion. There were plenty of regulars that showed up every week, ones that even requested Chandler every time. Why was it any different when it was Dan? He shook his head, deciding not to dwell on the topic. He had a job to do, one that he was currently _slacking_ on. Oops. He cracked his fingers, took a sip of his drink to wet his dry mouth, and stepped away from the server station, making his way into the dining room lobby. LaBella’s was a small, family owned business that served copious amounts of “Italian” food. It was known for it’s nice and cozy atmosphere and good fettuccine alfredo, so the restaurant was always buzzing with energy, no matter what time of day it was. 

That was why Phil didn’t have to question why Dan came to this place. It was a rather relaxing place to eat after class, the soft piano music and quiet chatter filling the air. Phil often saw him leaning over his textbooks, taking notes in a space themed notebook. When Phil had asked him before what he studied, Dan had looked embarrassed before admitting that he was a theatre student with a focus on directing. Phil had told him it was much cooler than his own English degree.

As Phil approached the familiar table, Dan was leant over the menu. He had his backpack sitting beside him on the booth and his notebook already on the table. A bright pink pen sat atop the notebook, which made Phil smile. No matter how small, it was always nice to see men not care about the implications behind the colour pink. 

“Hey, Dan!” Phil exclaimed, and he watched with amusement as Dan’s head shot up to stare at him. 

Dan was definitely one of the prettiest customers Phil had ever had. When he first started coming in, Phil could admit that he’d even had a teensy tiny crush on him at one point. Of course, that had all faded over time, which was good considering Phil had Nico now. He was still pretty, though, with his wide brown eyes and his curly brown hair. He had a couple of beauty marks on his cheeks and even dimples which made Phil have trouble telling him no. Dimples were just too damn endearing. 

Dan smiled and those dimples appeared, caving deep into his cheeks. “Hey, Phil. Are you having a good day today?”

Phil nodded and played with his pen in his apron pocket. He didn’t need to write down Dan’s order usually, but he always greeted him just in case he decided to change it up. “It’s been pretty steady so I’m staying optimistic so far. How about you? How’s directing going?”

In response, Dan groaned. “It’s going. My aesthetics class is going to _kill_ me.”

“What, are you not aesthetic enough for it?”

Dan glared at him and threw a balled up piece of straw wrapper at Phil. “You know damn well I’m aesthetic enough, excuse you.”

Phil laughed and it sounded too loud in the tiny dining room. It always did, but he never knew how to quiet himself down enough as to not disturb anyone around him. “You’re right. My bad.” And then onto business, “The usual?” Dan always had a three cheese stuffed shells, a salad, and a side of calamari with a strawberry margarita and a water.

Dan nodded. “Yes please.” 

And that was that. 

There was literally nothing for Chandler to freak out over. Dan and Phil were just customer and server, nothing more and nothing less. Purely business. There was no need for her to freak out every single time Dan looked his way. 

“He’s staring at your ass,” Chandler sang when he was out of Dan’s earshot and filling a glass with ice. 

He turned his glare onto his friend, hoping there was heat in his gaze. “You are my least favourite kind of person,” he told her without humour in his voice.

She sighed dramatically and leaned against the server station, pouting. Phil wanted to ask her if she had anything better to do, but he didn’t manage to get the words out. 

“Come on, Phil. He’s so cute! He looks like a gentle rabbit just waiting for somebody to claim him.”

“That was a horrible metaphor.”

“But you know it’s true.”

Phil groaned and took the glass away from the drink fountain right before it spilled over the edge.

“Look, Chandler,” he deadpanned, frowning. “Dan is cute. I’ll admit that. But i’m not going to leave Nico for him, okay? Nothing’s going to happen. I’m happy with Nico and that isn’t going to change any time soon. Can you just knock it off?”

He unwrapped the bottom of the straw and stuck it into the drink, feeling irritation dwelling in his belly, bubbling up just like the water in his glass.

Chandler sighed and waved her hand, pouting. “Fine, fine. But only because I see how nice Nico is to you. You really hit the jackpot there, Phil. I’m jealous.” She watched with folded arms as Phil made his way over to the terminal, swiping his identification card and inserting Dan’s order on the correct table number. “Maybe I’m just trying to get you out of the way so I can take Nico for myself.”

Phil snorted and swatted his hand at her. “Get your filthy ass out of here. He’s _mine_.”

“Don’t say I didn’t warn you,” Chandler said in a spooky voice, wriggling her fingers as if she was performing magic. She looked past Phil’s head then, peering into the dining room, and tsked. “I just got sat. Have fun with your lover boy.”

Don’t get him wrong, Phil absolutely _adored_ Chandler, but she could get to be a bit much at times. Just because Phil was bisexual didn’t mean that he wanted to screw every single person who hung around him. 

And yet, even though he was bisexual, Chandler _only_ teased him about other men. It was rather annoying that she didn’t validate the other part of his sexuality, but she never really listened whenever he told her that it bothered him. She only told him that it was easy to tease him about boys. Phil shook his head. These were thoughts for another day, definitely not thoughts he needed to have while he was at work. 

He finished typing in Dan’s order and logged out of the terminal before walking back over towards where Dan was sitting. He was already working on his homework, jotting down notes in his notebook. His tongue was sticking out as he worked, and his left leg bounced under the table, making him seem rather jittery. It made Phil smile a little as he set the glass on the table. “Working hard already, I see?” Phil commented, wiping the condensation from the glass on his apron.

Dan glanced up and gave him a toothy grin. “You bet. I’ve got an exam tomorrow that I’ve been procrastinating on so I’m trying to cram.” 

“Aesthetics?” Phil asked.

Dan hummed in agreement and tapped his pen on the page of his notebook. It left little pink dots on the paper, but Dan didn’t seem to notice even though it was quite hypnotizing to Phil. “Hopefully I remember enough stuff tomorrow that I’ll at least get a somewhat good grade.” 

“I know you can do it,” Phil told him gently, giving him a supportive smile, which Dan returned thankfully. 

They chatted for a bit longer about classes and it was easy. Easier than any of Phil’s other customers. Maybe it was just because Dan was a gentle person, or perhaps it was because Phil was used to his presence, but it was always relaxing whenever Dan set foot into the restaurant. He was never demanding, never in a rush. He was always patient and understanding. If there were mistakes, he just gave Phil a bright smile and told him it wasn’t an issue and that he didn’t mind. He always showed up alone, but he never seemed to care about that. That’s why Phil liked having Dan as a customer so much, why he didn’t mind whenever Dan showed up to his work. 

Not to mention, he always left _really_ good tips. Phil couldn’t exactly complain about that.

Dan has been coming to LaBella’s since Phil’s second week of working there, about a year ago. Dan had just started university and was going around town trying to figure out the best places to eat. When Phil had first served him, he had been with a girl named Louise, but Phil had only seen her one other time before Dan started coming by himself. Slowly, Dan had become a comforting presence, one that was familiar above all else. He just had this certain… _aura_ about him, one that could calm Phil down no matter how stressed out he was. On top of that, Phil had never seen Dan upset except for once, but that was only because Dan’s dog had died that day. Phil hadn’t exactly been able to blame him for ordering the biggest dessert that day and staying quiet as he scarfed it down like he needed it to breathe.

Work went by a lot more smoothly once Dan arrived. While Phil would usually be upset about someone camping at his table, he couldn’t help but be pleasantly thankful that he had one less table to worry about. 

He didn’t have to worry about getting less tips either, because Dan always made sure to tip more than enough. All he had to do was make sure his customers had enough to drink and enough to eat, and the rest of the time he would joke around with Chandler and his other coworkers until he could clock out. When Dan left, he left behind a small note written in pink ink. It sat atop the checkbook, folded three times, and Phil blinked in surprise. Dan had never left a note before. What could he possibly want to tell him that was so important?

He put it in his apron pocket and cleared off the table before reading it, not wanting to get in trouble for slacking off. 

Only once he was finished cleaning did he allow himself to open the note. The writing was a messy scrawl and Phil had to squint his eyes to make sense of the words. It took him a few minutes of deciphering to figure out a general idea of what it said, and when he did, he couldn’t keep the grin from spreading across his face. 

_Phil, thanks again for the awesome service! I've been having a stressful week due to exams, but you always know how to cheer me up. You seem happier than usual, and I’m glad to see that. I’ll see you next week!_

_-Dan_

It was a strange note, especially because Dan never was one for talking much, but Phil had no qualms about something like this. In fact, it made cheeks begin to hurt from smiling so hard. Although he sure as hell wouldn’t tell Chandler what Dan had written unless he never wanted to hear the end if it. 

Having nice customers like Dan definitely made being a server worth it. 

-

Phil drove to Nico’s apartment after work. He didn’t know what type of music he was in the mood for so he just played Lady Gaga on full blast, screaming out the window about how he was _born this way_ to anyone who would listen. He didn’t mind that it was probably annoying. He just couldn’t seem to tamp his excitement down whenever he saw Nico. 

The rest of their day was supposed to be rather lazy. Nico had promised to make Phil dinner, saying it was a surprise, and had mentioned something about reading and watching a movie. Even though it was just a relaxed day where nothing special was going on, Phil couldn’t stop himself from being pleasantly excited. 

He pulled up to Nico’s apartment not soon after, putting the car into park, grabbing his backpack, and heading to the door. He didn’t knock before he went in, knowing Nico would tell him to just come in anyway.

“Nicky?” Phil called, taking his shoes off at the mat. A confirmation noise came from the kitchen and Phil smiled, making his way towards it. He was greeted by the sight of Nico in a dog apron, cooking something in a skillet that looked vaguely like fajitas. Phil made a scene out of inhaling the scents of the food. “Mm, smells so good!”

“It better be,” Nico commented, shooting a wink from over his shoulder. He set the spatula on the counter and turned around, grinning widely at Phil and opening his arms wide. “C’mere. Gimme a kiss.”

Phil obeyed like a well-trained puppy, sinking appreciatively into Nico’s arms. He was still in his uniform that had alfredo stains on it, but thankfully Nico didn’t comment on his outrageous appearance. He’d change in a moment. They kissed and Phil’s heart soared like it always did, still not used to the feeling. 

When they pulled away, Nico went back to cooking and Phil left the room for a moment to change out of his uniform. When he got back, he took a seat at the table, pulling his book out of his backpack so he could start on a little bit of reading. He was planning on beginning _Impulse_ today so he could understand a little bit more about what went on in Nico’s head. He had just opened the first page and started reading when Nico spoke. 

“I tried calling you while you were at work today,” he said conversationally. 

Phil raised an eyebrow. “Oh yeah? I saw that.”

Nico stuck his tongue out at him and flicked a sauteed onion at him. “You didn’t answer. I was offended.”

Snorting, Phil rolled his eyes and tossed the cooked onion back. It landed on Nico’s shoulder, who wiped it away in disgust. “My manager is super strict about the no mobile phones policy,” he explained. “If I’d answered, it could have caused me to lose my job.”

“Then at least send a text explaining you can’t talk,” Nico whined. “What if I’d needed something important? You’d never know!”

Phil laughed. “Fine, fine, I’ll risk a single text for you if it’ll get you off my back. If I’d answered today, I wouldn’t have made it to Dan’s table on time. That wouldn’t have been good.”

Nico pursed his lips. “Dan?” 

“Yeah. He’s my regular.”

“Is he cuter than me?”

Phil let out a surprised laugh, gaping at him with wide eyes. Was Nico _jealous_? Or was he just kidding around? Phil shook his head, amused. “You nerd. Of course he’s not. You’re like, top tier.” 

Nico smiled at the skillet he was cooking in, looking pleased. It was endearing. “Good.” There was a moment where the vegetables sizzled in the pan, and then, “I got you some flowers because they reminded me of you. They’re on the table.”

It wasn’t hard to find them because Phil was sitting at the table. They were placed in a skinny purple vase, a pretty bundle of purples and pinks and whites. Phil’s eyes widened and he touched their petals, feeling the softness underneath his fingertips. Another guy had never bought him flowers before simply because they’d reminded him of Phil. He felt as though his chest was filled with so much emotion that he could barely breathe. “They’re beautiful,” Phil whispered gingerly. 

Nico chuckled. “Almost as pretty as you, yeah? They’re sweet peas,” he murmured in a fond voice, one so raw that Phil felt the words seeping under his skin and into his bones. 

“Oh hush,” Phil giggled, his cheeks reddening. 

Nico removed the skillet from the stove, and then he was walking over to Phil. He leant down and pressed a kiss to the top of his head, spreading warmth all throughout his body. “I’m serious. Maybe you can be _my_ sweet pea.”

Phil laughed and tilted his head up, grinning at his boyfriend. Nico kissed the smile off his face until Phil was turning red all over again. “That’s so lame,” Phil breathed. 

“Good thing we’re lame then, sweet pea,” Nico replied, pressing one more kiss to his lips before returning to the skillet. He hummed as he continued to cook, and Phil smiled at him even though he couldn’t see it. He couldn’t believe he had a man who took him on dates to the library, cooked him dinner, and gave him cute (and cheesy) nicknames. It was the most amazing thing in the world. He turned his attention back to the book in his hands, trying to hide his grin. Being creepy and staring at Nico as he cooked would do nothing but make him look strange. He needed to start reading the book anyway, knowing that favourite books said a lot about a person. The book was written in verse, which was a strange experience because it was not poetry. It was poetic and the author played around with words and sentence structure, which made Phil very pleased. It made the book read easier. Faster, even. 

But as he made sense of the words, of the story, he couldn’t help but feel a sense of discomfort rising inside of him. Even from the first few pages, he knew that the story was going to be dark. It was about suicide and pain and recovery. It was about trying to live through the pain, trying to save yourself before it was too late. ‘ _Wish you could turn off the questions, turn off the voices, turn off all sound_ ,’ Phil read to himself, glancing up at Nico once more. ‘ _Yearn to close out the ugliness, close out the filthiness, close out all light. Long to cast away yesterday, cast away memory, cast away all jeopardy. Pray you could somehow stop the uncertainty, somehow stop the loathing, somehow stop the pain. Act on your impulse, swallow the bottle, cut a little deeper, put the gun to your chest_.’ Dark, full of meaning, possibly even triggering. Why did Nico love this book so much? Did he have to deal with a topic such as this? Did he perhaps go through a time in his life where he found death more appealing than life? Phil didn’t know, but he wanted to learn. He wanted to learn every little thing about Nico, all the way from his favourite foods to the reason behind his favourite books. Phil had made his decision and hopefully they would be in this for the long run now.

About ten minutes passed before Nico made a triumphant noise and presented Phil with a plate full of fajitas and broccoli. “I didn’t know what kind of side to make with fajitas but I figured broccoli was a safe choice,” Nico admitted, making Phil giggle. 

“It’s wonderful,” Phil told him genuinely, kissing his boyfriend on the cheek. 

“Just like you,” Nico sang. And then, with a wink added, “sweet pea.”

Laughing but also blushing, Phil began to dig in, even though his heart was trying to beat out of his chest. Happiness was welling in his throat and he wanted to scream with the raw emotion. He didn’t, of course, but he _did_ laugh more loudly and became slightly twitchy because of it. 

Dinner at Nico’s house with sweet peas on the table and a comfortable aura in the air was definitely something Phil could get used to. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading! Let me know what you think and I'll see you next saturday!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello and good morning/evening/night! This week has been SO crazy and I almost couldn't upload because I didn't have internet until yesterday! But guess what?! I'm finally in my very first APARTMENT! it's so amazing tbh and i have a table cloth that has a bunch of cacti on it and we bought a shit ton of flowers. Wish you could all see it! Anyways, thanks again to snowbunnylester and littlelionsloves for betaing this for me! I hope you all enjoy it!   
> Lyric credit: Welcome Home - Coheed and Cambria

_Well you're just as I presumed. You're a whore in sheep's clothing, fucking up all I do_.

-

A week later, they decided to go to a shopping outlet, and Phil could hardly contain his excitement. He hadn’t been out and about with friends in so long, and to do so with Nico was like a dream come true. It was as if he was living in a constant dream with Nico by his side, and he couldn’t believe he had found someone who suited him so perfectly. They decided to quite literally shop until they dropped, and Phil decided to try on a few items of clothing despite the fact that he didn’t have any money to spend, being a poor uni student and all. They entered Topman, and Phil began to ravage the racks, raking his eyes over each article of clothing until his eyes were aching.

In the end, he decided to try on a tank top with geometric patterns all over it, a white shirt with a lemon on the breast, and another with roses on the shoulders. He tried each one on to show Nico, jokingly putting on a fashion show as if he was some over-the-top model. “Sexy!” Nico applauded to the rose shirt. “Hot!” he exclaimed over the lemon shirt. “I saved the best for last,” Phil giggled, speaking through the door as he pulled the tank top over his head. This was the one he was the most excited about, even though he typically didn’t wear tank tops. He just really appreciated the contrast of the dark shirt with the orange and red geometric patterns. It was cool, and Phil liked to feel cool. He emerged once he was wearing it, striking some dumb pose with his hands on his hips and his lips in a ‘sexy’ pout. “Ta-da!” he squealed, and waited for Nico’s input. He was certain that Nico would like it just as much as Phil did. However he didn’t really get the reaction he was looking for. 

Nico was silent for a long while, just staring at him, and if Phil didn’t know any better then he would have thought that Nico was checking him out. The only reason that Phil knew Nico _wasn’t_ was because of his expression. Usually, Nico had a smile on his face. He was a very smiley person, which is one of the things about him that made him attractive to Phil. But now, his dark eyebrows were furrowed and his lips were set in a hard line as he ran his eyes over Phil’s exposed shoulders and the tight fitting torso. Suddenly Phil felt very small, even though he was taller than Nico was by a good four inches.

“I don’t like it,” Nico said simply after a moment. Phil’s shoulders slumped and he could feel himself trying to get himself to be as small as possible. “Why not?”

Nico shrugged noncommittally. “It’s too…” Nico waved his hand around, gesturing to Phil’s chest and bare shoulders. “Revealing, I suppose. A bit slutty. You belong to me, remember? I don’t want anyone else to look at you.” His voice had a joking tone to it, but his eyes were serious, and Phil couldn’t help but feel guilty for even picking out something that revealed his shoulders. Nico _was_ right, Phil did belong to him, and if it made Nico uncomfortable when Phil wore that kind of thing, then _he_ wouldn’t feel comfortable knowing his boyfriend didn’t like it. “You’re right,” Phil said lightly. He let a laugh bubble out of his chest, just a small one to hide the disappointment dwelling there. “I didn’t even think about that.” He didn’t wait for Nico to answer before he was closing the door to the dressing room once more and stripping himself of the offending item as if it had burnt him. He didn’t even want to look at it anymore.

Phil ended up buying the lemon shirt and the rose shirt even though he didn’t have much money, while Nico bought a Led Zeppelin shirt, adding to his ever-growing collection of band shirts. Phil told him that he looked good in it, and that was enough for Nico to buy it. 

They went through a few more shops after that, giggling and having an all around good time. Soon enough, Phil almost completely forgot about what had happened in Topman and had just started to focus on how they were able to bond and get to know each other better. Nico was funny, he was always making Phil laugh and showing him things in stores that he thought Phil would like. “This would look so good on you,” Nico exclaimed, holding out a black object. 

Phil took hold of it so he could get a closer look, and when he realised what it was, he crinkled his nose. “A choker? Really?” he deadpanned, unamused. Did he _look_ like someone who would go around wearing chokers all the time? It was pretty enough, made out of black velvet with a little moon dangling from it, but it just didn’t feel like an object Phil would actively wear in public.

Nico pouted at him, sticking out his lip, and Phil had trouble holding himself back so he didn’t surge forward and capture those pink lips with his own. “Please? It’d look so good on you, sweet pea!” With the nickname, Phil could feel himself melting, becoming jelly just from two words. He turned the choker around in his hands and sighed. 

“Fine. But only because you asked so nicely.” He smiled and shoved the object back at Nico. “Help me try it on?” Nico didn’t complain and took the necklace from him, unbuckling it and wrapping it around Phil’s neck. The fabric was smooth against his skin and the moon settled against his throat lightly, a small weight that let him know it was there. It was slightly too tight though, made him feel like he was choking slightly, and it wasn’t exactly pleasant. But Nico’s fingers were gentle, skimming lightly against his skin, which made Phil relax into the touch. “It’s so tight,” Phil murmured, pulling at the choker with a single finger. He made a face, sticking his tongue out. “I feel as if it’s choking me.”

Nico snorted and touched the moon with his pointer finger. He was smiling though, looking at Phil as if he was the best thing in the world. “I like it on you. It compliments your skin so nicely.” He sighed and hummed a bit, taking his hand away while Phil was in the midst of freaking out over the complement. “I wish I could just kiss you right now.”

Phil looked at him strangely, cocking his head in question. He didn’t quite understand what Nico meant by that. Why _couldn’t_ Nico kiss him? In fact, now that Phil’s thinking about it… Nico had _never_ shown him any public displays of affection. He never tried to hold Phil’s hand, never tried to kiss him, never tried to do _anything_ unless they were in the cover of their own homes. "Why..." Phil started, suddenly feeling himself falling into a pit of despair over the realisation. "Why can't you?"

It was like everything stopped for a moment. Phil became far too aware of the sudden grimace taking over Nico’s face, the way his mouth screwed up into a frown. His eyebrows furrowed, making him look angry, and Phil didn’t understand what he said to make him seem so upset. After a moment of silence, Nico spoke in a low tone and turned Phil around so he could unclip the necklace. “I have anxiety about things like that,” Nico mumbled quietly.

“Anxiety? What do you mean?” “Public displays of affection just make me anxious,” he explained. “I don’t like the feeling of everyone staring at me and judging me for who I’m with. It doesn’t mean I don’t adore you any less, I just get nervous about that kind of thing. So don’t take it personally.”

The confession made relief swell through Phil’s belly, the knowledge that it wasn’t because Nico disliked _him_ making him feel rather dizzy. “I understand,” Phil promised, smiling at Nico as a way to cheer him up a little. It didn’t seem to work, almost as if Phil had struck a chord within Nico, and even though he said it was okay that Phil had asked, he still seemed rather bummed. Even though he did end up buying the choker for Phil.

They began to walk back to the tube, the sky beginning to grow dim as the sun began it’s descent. The disappointment from earlier had faded to the back of his mind, instead being replaced with a pleasant hum as Nico grabbed his hand and squeezed it lightly. It was the first time Phil had held his hand in public, and pride made his stomach flip. He liked how Nico’s hands were bigger than his own, completely engulfing them with his strong hold. He liked how it made him feel safe and wanted.

They were halfway back to the station when a shop caught Phil’s eye and he gasped loudly, gaining the attention of Nico. “A sweet shop!” Phil exclaimed a bit too loudly, and Nico laughed and shook his head. “D’ya wanna go in?” “ _Of course_ I wanna go in!” Phil’s weakness had always been sweet shops, and today was no exception. He danced around the place as if he owned it, peeking into the plastic containers to gape at whatever candy he found in there. He was trying to hold himself back, trying not to buy anything else, because he knew for a fact that he had precisely £12.50 left in his wallet, which wasn’t nearly enough to satisfy his dire need for sweets. “Phil, we’re gonna miss the tube,” Nico informed him after five minutes of watching Phil whine about how much candy he couldn’t afford. Phil groaned and nodded, turning back to Nico to walk out of the store. 

Then he saw _it_ and his mouth dropped open. “Holy shit!” he gasped, walking over to the stuffed animal display that had caught his attention. “What now?” Nico sighed, and Phil didn’t have to look at him to know he was most likely running a hand through his hair, just like he always did when he was getting annoyed. “Look at this,” Phil demanded, snatching a stuffed red panda from the shelf. He shoved it in Nico’s face and giggled a bit as Nico glowered at him. “It’s a fox,” Nico said. “Red panda,” Phil corrected, taking it away from Nico’s face and holding it to his chest. He checked the price on it and gasped. It was _exactly_ £12.50 and Phil knew he wasn’t going to leave the store without the thing. He made puppy dog eyes at Nico. “Nico, please just a minute longer? I need him, I just need to pay real quick! No one’s in line!” 

“But we’re going to miss our tube,” Nico hissed in a hushed tone, and Phil had to resist the urge to stomp his foot like a child. “It’ll only take a second, Nico! We’ll make our ride. Stop worrying so much.”

“Stop being so _self-centered_.” “I am _not_ self-centered for wanting to purchase something.”

After five minutes straight of bartering and complaining (in which they could have totally paid by now), Phil finally got his wish and they headed to the register, Phil with a pep in his step and Nico with a begrudging expression on his face. “That’ll be £15 exact,” the cashier said with an overly cheerful smile as the world crashed down around Phil. 

“I only have £12.50,” Phil whimpered, and he heard Nico laugh a bit humourlessly behind him. The woman gave him a pitying expression, as if he was a child who was getting his favourite candy taken away from him. 

“I might have some extra change,” Nico muttered, starting to pat his pockets. He opened his wallet and dumped out the contents, and Phil watched in amusement as a bunch of coins clattered on the counter. The poor cashier was still smiling, except now it seemed rather forced. Nico and Phil started counting up the change, desperately hoping that they had enough to get the damned stuffed animal. It was stupid that they were going through so much trouble just for the red panda, but they were both giggling despite how annoyed Nico had seemed before, and Phil knew he wouldn’t regret this purchase in the slightest.

“Fifteen!” Nico shouted suddenly, scaring the shit out of Phil and making him jump. 

He watched with wide eyes as Nico shoved the excessive amount of coins at the woman, smiling bashfully. “Sorry about that, ma’am. We can pay for the animal now.” Phil cheered and cradled his new stuffed animal in his arm, giving Nico a sloppy kiss on the cheek. Nico crinkled his face and pushed Phil away a bit too roughly, but Phil didn’t pay any mind to it. “Thank you so much,” Phil murmured, his cheeks beginning to ache from smiling so much. Nico seemed to melt at that and gave him a small kiss on the lips, so quick that Phil barely felt it. It still made him feel warm all the way down to his toes. 

“Anything for you, sweet pea,” Nico replied, and Phil couldn’t stop smiling the entire way home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and I'll see you next saturday! Let me know any questions, comments, or concerns!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys! i'm posting SP a bit early because i just started a new job and i start tomorrow! so i'm posting a bit early today! enjoy the early update!

_Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found. I think that I might break_.

-

“Go shopping with me.” 

Phil startled a bit at Chandler’s sudden presence and looked over at her, cocking his head. He had been riding the bus back to his apartment after class, an earphone jammed into one of his ears, his phone held loosely in his hand. He hadn’t expected Chandler to be on the same bus as him today, so it startled him when she took a seat next to him, speaking loudly so he could hear her over his music and the endless chatter of people around him. 

“What kind of shopping? And why do I, specifically, have to go with you?”

Chandler rolled her eyes and yanked the single ear bud out of Phil’s ear. She was feigning annoyance at his question, but she was smiling despite it all, seemingly excited. Her excitement passed onto Phil as well. 

“Let's go to the shopping centre. I haven’t hung out with you since you started dating Nico.”

“But I _just_ went shopping with Nico yesterday,” Phil whined, although he could understand why she wanted to hang out with him. 

It had been a couple of weeks since he and Nico had had their first date, and all of Phil’s time was filled up with either _thoughts_ of Nico or the _physical_ Nico. New relationships were always extremely exciting, and he often found himself drowning in the newness of it all.

“And I don’t give a shit,” Chandler deadpanned, giving him an unimpressed look. She crossed her arms over her chest and Phil had to look away, instead turning his attention to the people getting on and off the bus. He only had two more stops until they came to his apartment. Did she want to go shopping _now_? 

“You’re going shopping with me. I haven’t seen you in _weeks_ other than at school and work. I’m not letting you neglect me any longer.”

He didn’t really want to go shopping, in all honestly, because he’d promised Nico he’d call him when he got home, but he knew that Chandler wouldn’t understand if he told her that. So he sighed and gave in, knowing she was right and he couldn’t fight her on this. He’d just lose anyway. “Is it just going to be us?”

Chandler shook her head quickly, her ponytail almost hitting her in the face. “I was thinking Jane and Charlie could come with us too.” 

Trying to hide his disappointment, Phil just nodded. He didn’t really feel like having to socialize with a whole group of people, but he knew Chandler would get her way no matter what, so he may as well spare himself. Jane and Charlie were nice enough. In fact, he quite liked them a lot. They had hung out as a group a few times before and Phil never felt too awkward around them. 

Jane was a nice girl with pretty brown hair and hazel eyes who was quiet at times but extremely excitable at other times. She often went on long rants about things she was passionate about, and Phil reckoned he could listen to her talk for hours. Unlike Chandler, she was nearly an entire foot shorter than him and made for a good armrest. She cared deeply for her friends, and Phil was lucky enough to be on the receiving end of that hospitality. 

On the other hand, Charlie was both the coolest and nerdiest guy Phil had ever met but could probably make Phil cry if he wanted to. He was transgender, but at the same time, he had a shock of pink hair, green eyes, and a lip piercing. He was from Germany originally, but had moved to England when he’d been sixteen after his father had passed away. He strongly believed that gender roles were the worst kind of bread, painted his nails, and even did his makeup occasionally. He had a style that put Phil’s to shame.

Chandler chatted excitedly to him as she texted their friends, probably telling them to meet them at the shopping center. Turned out, when Chandler had said she wanted to go shopping, she’d quite literally meant _right then and there_. When Phil tried to exit at his stop, she just rolled her eyes, grabbed his arm, and pulled him back down into his seat. He grumbled a bit but otherwise didn’t say anything.

The bus ride went particularly smoothly. Chandler left Phil to his own devices so he could listen to music and text Nico that he was hanging out with some friends, to which Nico wondered who he was going with. He didn’t answer when Phil mentioned he was going with Chandler, Jane, and Charlie, but Phil didn’t think anything of it. He was going to be busy with his friends anyways, and therefore unable to respond quite as frequently while he was with them.

Once they arrived at their stop, Phil shoved his phone and earbuds into his jumper pocket, just as Chandler grabbed his hand excitedly and started to lead him off of the bus. “I’m so happy I get to spend some time with you!” she exclaimed, forcing a stab of guilt to rocket through Phil’s body. He tried to squash it down. He shouldn’t be feeling guilty for hanging out with his new boyfriend. _Everybody_ got caught up in new relationships, not just him.

“It’s nice,” Phil agreed, allowing her to drag him along until they came to a Starbucks, where he caught sight of Jane and Charlie. 

They both waved, broad grins on their faces, and began to walk towards Chandler and Phil with a hurried pace. “We’ve been waiting for you guys for _ages_!” Charlie complained once they were in earshot, pouting out his lip. His piercing sparkled in the light, and Phil watched it with rapt fascination. He always found piercings interesting, even though he was probably too much of a wimp to ever get one. The thought of inflicting pain upon himself on purpose was far too scary for him to even want to fathom. 

“Sorry, I had to practically wrestle this one to come here,” Chandler replied, pointing an accusing thumb at Phil. 

Phil scoffed. “Way to call me out,” he muttered, glaring at her. 

It honestly hadn’t been _that_ hard to pull him away from his evening plans. All she’d done was say that she missed him and Phil was quite literally putty in her hands. He’d never been good with confrontation, always admitting defeat as soon as it began to arise. 

The group laughed at that and the subject was dropped just like that. They began to chat about anything that came to mind, filling the space with mindless banter and happy voices. 

Phil chimed in when he could, laughed when he was supposed to, and zoned out when it didn’t matter. 

“Oh yeah,” Charlie said at one point, pointing his finger at Phil accusingly. Phil raised his eyebrow. “I haven’t seen you since you started dating Nico. Mazel tov on the hottie.” 

The phrase made Phil laugh, shaking his head. The one thing he always liked about Charlie was that he always said random things in Hebrew, thanks to his Jewish heritage. It never failed to make Phil giggle, no matter the situation. “Thanks,” he said, giving Charlie the biggest smile he could muster. “Nico makes me very happy.” “We can tell,” Jane told him, a little grin on her face that made her entire expression look soft.

They walked through stores and pointed out stupid dog themed pillows and shirts decorated with fruit patterns. It was surprisingly nice, despite Phil’s previous hesitation. 

He liked hanging out with his friends. He liked laughing and having fun and not having to worry about the things he said. He liked that they didn’t judge him no matter what, that they didn’t bully him for being so deeply involved with someone after only a few weeks of being with someone. He liked that his cheeks hurt from smiling and his abs were sore, as if he were getting a workout just from laughing. He liked _them_ as people. 

He liked how Jane always made sure to express her love for her friends in any way she possibly could. How Charlie spent twenty minutes describing why America was dumb because they had built in closets. How Chandler never ceased to endlessly tease Phil about everything and anything. 

God, Phil was a sap, but he couldn’t be more grateful for his little group of friends. 

At least, until they pulled him into Topman and searched around for a while before finding a certain geometrical tank top and thrusting it at Phil. 

“Try this on,” Jane demanded. She was absolutely beaming, looking really excited despite the fact that it was just a stupid tank top. Her cheeks were flushed and her bangs were flipping to the side, probably because she ran a hand through her hair without a second thought. “It’d look so amazing on you. It’s just your style! Look at these patterns and the _colors_ , Phil!”

Phil froze, staring at the offending item with a frown. He didn’t know why it bothered him so much, honestly. Just yesterday he’d even _liked_ it. There was no way his opinion should change just because a boy didn’t approve. “I’m good,” Phil said. 

“C’mon, mate,” Charlie butted in, nodding towards the top. “Just for shits ‘n’ giggles. Nobody said you have to buy it.”

His friends hated him. They absolutely _hated_ him. Because that was when they gathered in a circle around him, chanting, “do it, do it, do it” at the top of their lungs until fellow customers began to stare disapprovingly. Phil felt his ears turn red from the attention, felt those stares go straight to his core. 

He grabbed the damn tank top and dragged it to the fitting room. Anything to get those unwanted stares away from him. Putting _on_ the damn thing was much harder than he remembered it being yesterday. He crinkled his nose as he took off his own shirt, grunted as he stuck his arms through the tank top, groaned in annoyance as he stuck his head through it. 

It took another minute to hype himself up enough to step out of the fitting room. “You’re not a slut,” Phil muttered to himself. Phil stared at himself in the mirror, but instead of seeing the confident man he’d seen beforehand, all he could see was how terrible he looked. How much of a _slut_ he looked like. “You’ve only slept with two people before. You’re not a slut.”

He opened the door. 

His friends stared at him with raised brows and condescending looks. He could feel the judgement pouring from their expressions from the way their eyes trailed over his torso where the shirt fit too tightly, over his arms which showed his biceps, over the mesh on the sides that showed a sliver of skin. There was no way they were having good thoughts about this, because he looked like a guy who screamed _‘I want sex_!’ in this thing. 

After a moment of consideration, Jane spoke, her voice warm and soft. “I actually love this on you,” she said, reaching out and tugging on the mesh. “It fits your body shape perfectly.”

“I have to say, you _do_ slay,” Charlie told him, and he and Chandler shared a grin. 

“Nice,” Chandler said. 

All good things. Phil was surprised at this, but he didn’t voice it. Couldn’t they see how bad he looked? Couldn’t they see how much he wanted to tear the garment off of his body? How it made him feel too exposed?

But Phil wasn't sure they actually _meant_ it. He didn’t want his new boyfriend thinking he was a slut, that was for sure. So why were his friends encouraging it? 

“Nico said I looked like a slut in this when I tried it on yesterday,” he blurted out before he could stop himself. 

Stares. His friends were staring at him. 

Phil could feel his chest turning red. He knew he shouldn't have come today, if only to spare himself this embarrassment. 

After a moment, Jane cleared her throat, and Phil’s eyes snapped over to her, waiting eagerly for her input. 

“Isn’t that a bit…” she waved her hands, looking confused and concerned. Phil didn’t know why she was concerned at a time like this. “Isn’t that a bit of a red flag? Like, not good?” she asked finally, and Phil gaped at her. 

“A red flag?” he repeated. 

Chandler snorted and elbowed Jane in the stomach, making her grumble and glare back. 

“Don’t be silly. People have preferences in style but it doesn’t mean it’s a red flag or anything. Besides, Phil _does_ kind of look like a slut in the shirt.” She pursed her lips and stared at him contemplatively. “Not in a ‘showing cleavage’ kind of way, but more in a ‘I’m a fuckboy and I screw anyone who looks at me’ kind of way.” 

Now it was Charlie’s turn to chuckle, rolling his eyes. “What great imagery, Chandler,” he said sarcastically. “I can see that, I guess. Although I still like it. It suits him.”

Phil frowned and he was pretty sure his entire body was red with embarrassment by now. He was hot, pretty much sweating, and he just wanted to get this damn piece of clothing off of his body already. 

Phil could hardly believe the others could even dare to say that the shirt suited him, though still making him into a fuckboy. What would Nico think if he brought this home? He didn’t want to think about it.

“I’m taking this off,” he muttered, and shut the fitting room door before anyone could say anything else. 

He took the dumb shirt off as quickly as possible, averting his eyes from the mirror, and left it hanging in the fitting room even though he wasn’t supposed to. He just couldn’t bear to touch it again.

His friends were chatting amongst themselves when he walked back out, sifting through clothes mindlessly. They seemed to be having fun, unaware of the battle going on inside of Phil’s head. 

He didn’t know what was going on with him. He didn’t know why Nico’s comment made dread form in the pit of his stomach, or why he couldn’t seem to look at the shirt anymore. Usually, when someone commented on his clothing choice, he just rolled his eyes and bought it anyways, mentally flipping them off, but it seemed as if it were different with Nico, as if he were still trying to impress him even though they were already an item. 

It was dumb, but Phil decided to just let it go. It was just a shirt anyway. He shouldn’t be this down about it. 

At that moment, his phone began to ring loudly in his back pocket. It’d been ringing with texts every once in awhile, but he’d been ignoring it in favour of spending time with his friends. His friends motioned for Phil to follow them out of the store and he did so, answering the phone without looking to see who it was. 

“Hello?” he asked, slightly distracted by the wild hand gestures Jane was making. 

“Hey, sweet pea,” came the familiar American voice through his phone speaker. 

Phil’s eyes widened and his lips immediately turned up into a bright grin. He always got extremely happy whenever Nico called him, no matter where he was or what he was doing. “Nico!” he exclaimed, earning wolf whistles from his little group of friends. “Why are you calling?”

“Do you not want me to call?” Nico asked, with something like sadness in his voice. 

Shaking his head even though Nico couldn’t see him, Phil shot down that idea quickly. “No of course I like when you call! I’m just shopping with my friends, so it’s a bit loud in here.” 

Nico hummed and there was the noise of running water in the background. Perhaps it was the sink? Or maybe a bath? “You weren’t answering my texts so I decided to call you.” 

“Yeah, I’ve been a bit distracted. Sorry!”

“Is anybody hitting on you?” This time, there was a teasing edge to his voice and Phil cracked a smile. 

“Of course not. There’s nobody but you, Nico. You know tha-.”

“Phil?” 

The timid voice interrupted his denial, someone who was very much not on the phone. While it was a voice he vaguely recognised, it wasn’t one that belonged to either Nico or his group of friends. He glanced around until his eyes settled on the culprit, ignoring the way Nico was saying his name. “Hold on a sec, I’m putting the phone down, Nico,” Phil told his boyfriend and then let the phone dangle loosely in his hand by his side. 

He then turned his attention onto the person who had spoken, a person who was staring at him with a stricken look on his face, as if he’d seen a ghost. It was Dan, his hair in curly ringlets and sporting a very large purple jumper with the word ‘Grandma’ written on it, surrounded by embroidered flowers. There was a girl standing next to him, someone with golden hair and bright blue eyes that Phil slightly recognised. He realised after a moment that it was Louise, the girl who used to go to LaBella’s with him.

“Dan!” Phil exclaimed, pretending he didn’t see the way Chandler’s eyebrows rose at the sight. “What are you doing here?” The question was a bit dumb, considering he was probably doing what everyone else was doing: shopping.

Dan grinned, his dimples showing, and he stuffed his hands into the large pocket of his hoodie. He was a very large guy, an impressive inch or two taller than Phil, but the jumper made him seem much smaller than he actually was. 

“Shopping!” he replied, the obvious response. “It’s good to see you out of your work uniform. I’ve been wondering what your style would be like.”

His style? Phil glanced down at himself to remember what he was wearing. It wasn’t anything special, just a shirt with a roaring lion on it and black skinny jeans. Nothing to shout about. “You’re one to talk,” Phil told him, smirking. “I’ve seen you loads of time and this is the first I’ve heard that you’re a grandma.”

Dan laughed, loud and clear, a pink dusting rising to his cheeks. It was nice, something familiar and comforting even outside of work. 

“Well you better believe it,” he said. “I wouldn’t be who I am today without my grandchildren.”

They grinned at each other, probably looking a bit too happy for just being server and customer, but it didn’t matter in that moment. Phil’s always enjoyed Dan’s company, so seeing him outside of work was definitely both interesting and pleasant. Phil didn’t have too much time to enjoy it fully before Chandler was butting in though, and she had that smile that made Phil wonder what she had planned.

As soon as she opened her mouth, Phil knew that he should have declined her invitation for a nice day out. “You’re Dan, correct? I’m Chandler. Phil’s told me _loads_ about you!”

Phil gaped at her, half horrified, half angry, and he saw Dan raise his eyebrows from the corner of his eye. He couldn’t believe his friend would do him dirty like that, especially with something that wasn’t _true._ It was always Chandler who had talked about Dan, not Phil. “Chandler, don’t-”

Dan cut him off before he could get another word out, seemingly amused. “Is that so? All good things, I hope.”

“No worries,” Chandler assured him, Jane and Charlie gazing on in confusion, “I’ve heard you’re a lovely person.” 

Dan absolutely beamed at that, his entire face brightening up with a smile. He was like the sun, all glowing warmth and golden rays, no clouds in sight. When he looked like that, Phil decided not to tell him that Chandler was lying out of her ass. He just let it go, tucking it inside himself and storing the knowledge of the lie inside of himself where no one could find it. 

After a few more minutes of chitchatting, his friends decided they’d had enough of his dilly dallying. Charlie hissed at him to hurry up and Chandler was making ‘hurry up’ hand movements at him. Phil sighed, clutching his phone in his hand. He had almost forgotten that Nico was still on the line. Hopefully he hadn’t hung up.

“Looks like we gotta get out of here. It was good to see you again, Dan.”

Dan grinned and nodded, his dimple caving in his cheek. He reminded Phil of a happy puppy in that moment, tail wagging, eager to please. It was endearing. “I’ll see you soon. Have a good day!”

“You too,” Phil told him, and then they parted ways. Phil lifted the phone back up to his ear. 

“Sorry about that. I’m back,” he told Nico. 

“Who was that?” Nico asked immediately. There was something in his voice that made Phil weary, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it. 

“Just one of my customers at work. His name’s Dan and he’s one of my regulars.”

“Does _he_ hit on you?”

Phil laughed loudly and rolled his eyes, shaking his head. “For the last time, nobody flirts with me!” he shrilled, and he caught Jane’s eyes. She was frowning, her brows furrowed in what seemed like concern, but he waved her off. There was no need to be concerned. 

“I just don’t want someone to take you away from me,” Nico whined, leaving Phil to smile fondly. 

“That won’t happen. Now I gotta go okay? My friends want to hang out with me.” 

“Fine,” Nico agreed begrudgingly. “But text me.”

“I’ll text you,” Phil promised. They said their goodbyes and Phil slipped the phone back into his pocket, letting out a sigh. 

His friends didn’t seem to mind Phil’s five minutes of fame, and they accepted him with pats on the back as he joined them again. Apparently they had decided to see Wonder Woman while he was on the phone, and Phil groaned because he’d _just_ told Nico he’d text him. He hated breaking his promises. 

So with a heavy heart, he sent Nico a text explaining what had happened. It took Nico only a few seconds to respond, and Phil didn’t know why it seemed so angry, the singular ‘K’ burning into his mind like a brand. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The lyrics at the beginning are from the song Such Small Hands by La Dispute! This chapter contains light violence (grabbing), drinking, and mentions of throwing up, so please be safe. As always, thank you to littlelionsloves and snowbunnylester for editing this for me. I couldn't have done this without them. And thank you to you lovely people for reading this! It means the world to me that so many people look forward to this story. i love you all. xoxo

_I think you saw me confronting my fear, it went up with the bottle and went down with the beer. And I think you ought to stay away from here. There are ghosts in the walls and they crawl in your head through your ear_.

-

A month into their relationship, it was just like any other ordinary Tuesday. Phil woke up, went to class, and forgot to eat breakfast. He got shaky due to low blood sugar, and had to buy some McDonald’s to stop himself from shaking. His classes were filled with friendly chatter among friends, and sweet text messages from Nico. 

**Nico x - 12:53 pm**

**__** _Hi sweet pea. Ill bet you look gorgeous today_

**Nico x - 1:07pm**

**__** _You know youre the most beautiful man ive ever seen?_

**Nico x - 1:08pm**

**__** _Cant wait to see you later <3_

It was enough to glue a grin onto Phil’s face, so bright that he was sure it was going to blind every living person. 

Tuesdays were one of Phil’s least favourite days of the week. He hated how it wasn’t the start of the week, and also wasn’t the end of the week. Tuesdays made Fridays seem so much further away. They were the day that nobody talked about, the day that Phil had a three hour long class to attend. 

But this Tuesday turned out to be one of the best he’d ever had. 

Phil and Nico had plans to hang out. It wasn’t anything special, at least it wasn’t supposed to be. But to be honest, Phil thought anything to do with Nico was pretty special. They were supposed to just hang out and watch movies, maybe even play a little Rock Band even though Phil was horrible at it. 

That was just what they did. They went out to eat after class at a nice tamale place right off of campus. Phil had never had a tamale before, didn’t really know what it was, but Nico was gracious as he explained how to eat it, his feet gently playing with Phil’s under the table. After eating, they headed back to Nico’s apartment, where they first watched some Gravity Falls and then moved onto Over the Garden Wall when they got tired of it. 

Then came the Rock Band. It was just as horrible as Phil had thought it was going to be. His voice cracked as he sung, unable to hit the high notes, and Nico was cracking up at him as he played the guitar. Phil didn’t understand why _he_ had to be the one to use the microphone, but Nico only claimed it was because he sounded cute, and they continued playing. 

It was Nico who said it first. 

Phil was singing a horrendous version of Through the Fire and the Flames, failing horribly and making a fool out of himself. The crowd was going wild, booing him, getting angry at all of the notes he missed. He sounded like a dying goose and he was fully aware of it from the giggles that left Nico’s mouth as he hit nearly every note on the guitar. 

Eventually, Phil’s crowd booed him so hard that he ended up being kicked off, and he pouted as he set the microphone down, resisting the urge to throw it against the wall. 

“That’s not fair!” he whined, glaring at Nico as he quit to the main menu, snickering all the while. 

“And why isn’t it?” Nico asked, clearly amused. He brought a slender hand to Phil’s fringe and pushed a stray piece back into place. 

“It’s unfair that they judge you by how your singing sounds! As long as you hit the notes, it shouldn’t matter how you sound!” Phil crossed his arms over his chest, glaring at the offending game. Perhaps he was over exaggerating, but he didn’t particularly care at that moment. 

Nico laughed and leaned over to press a kiss to Phil’s cheeks. His lips were cold against his warm face, and it cooled him down only slightly. “That’s just it, sweet pea,” Nico said gently, and ran a hand through Phil’s hair, ruffling it into more of a quiff. “You _weren’t_ hitting the notes.”

Phil gasped aloud and glared at his boyfriend, slapping him on the chest. How dare his own significant other make fun of him for such a thing! “You take that back!” Nico snickered and shook his head. “I hate you!” Phil whined because Nico was evil and he definitely hated him. 

“Well it’s a good thing I love you, then,” Nico told him softly, and Phil’s heart stopped. Stuttered. Accelerated. 

His shock must have been evident on his face because Nico reached out and smoothed the lines on Phil’s face with such a soft expression that it made Phil’s chest hurt. He couldn’t believe that Nico had said something like _that_ , especially so casually, as if it was obvious in the first place. Of course, Phil had been thinking about terms like ‘love’ often the past few weeks, but he hadn’t expected Nico to say it so _soon_. Not like he was complaining though. He could feel the pull in his bones that made him fall into Nico’s arms, making him kiss along Nico’s cheekbones, along his jawline. 

He breathed into Nico’s skin, breathed in his cologne, tried to imprint it into his memory. 

At the time, he believed he could stay there forever and be completely and utterly content. With that thought in mind, he closed the gap between their lips and kissed Nico deeply, trying to convey how he felt through the touch. They kissed passionately, nipping and licking into each other’s mouths, until Phil was sitting in Nico’s lap. 

When he pulled away for air, he leaned in close, kissing the shell of Nico’s ear. He wondered if his voice shook when he spoke, if it showed just how nervous and excited he was. “I love you too,” he whispered. “Forever and always.” 

Nico smiled against his lips. “To death do us part,” he replied quietly, and they sealed it with a kiss, a promise to continue loving each other until their hearts give out. And when the kiss got more passionate, more daring, Phil didn’t really mind. 

That night, they made love for the first time, and Phil couldn’t help but shed a few tears because he felt so completely and utterly loved beneath Nico’s fingertips. He gasped and moaned and sobbed, and Nico held him close all the while, whispering how much Phil meant to him, how he’d die if Phil ever left him, into the skin of his thighs and the nape of his neck. 

Phil didn’t know why they hadn’t done this sooner, but he wasn’t one to complain when he felt so amazing that he could barely formulate the words. So instead, he stayed quiet and basked in the feeling of Nico loving him to the fullest. 

When it was all over and done with, Phil decided that perhaps Tuesdays couldn’t be that bad after all. 

-

“Come to a party with me.” 

Phil sighed and grimaced, shaking his head. He didn’t look up from where he was writing lecture notes in his cactus-themed notebook. “Nico, you know I don’t like parties,” he said flatly. 

Nico pouted at him, and when Phil still didn’t pay him any mind, he leaned forward across Phil’s desk, making Phil draw a line through his originally beautiful page of notes. Phil scowled and tried to shove Nico off, but it didn’t do anything for him. 

“Please? We always do the things you wanna do together. Can’t we just go to a party for once?” 

At just the _mention_ of parties, Phil could already feel himself breaking out in a nervous sweat. 

He hated parties with a burning passion, hated them more than anybody could ever understand. Alcohol, drugs, loud music, and large crowds never made for a comfortable Phil. 

“I dunno, Nico. Parties make me really nervous.” 

“Please, please, _please_?” Nico whined, refusing to move even as Phil tried to shove him off again. He was lucky they were in a large lecture hall, otherwise Nico would have been in trouble with the professor. Now, he was only getting glares from the students surrounding him. “We never do anything I want to do.”

“If you get off my notes and shut up, I’ll go to the dumb party with you,” Phil hissed, poking Nico in the face. 

Nico nodded happily and backed off, giving Phil a little sideways smirk that never failed to make Phil swoon. Damn it, even when Phil was mad at Nico, he can’t seem to _stay_ mad. 

-

The party arrived far before Phil was ready for it. 

It was a Thursday night, which made Phil whine a lot. Partying on a Thursday? He was going to be absolutely _wrecked_ tomorrow. But Nico scoffed and told him it was ‘Thirsty Thursday’ and that if he didn’t party today then that automatically make Phil lame. Phil wasn’t lame, damn it. 

A little bit before the party started, Phil couldn’t help but start freaking out, just because that’s what he did best. He didn’t know what to wear to something like this, much less how to _act_ , so he complained a little bit as he went through each individual item of clothing. Button down? No, too fancy. Band tee? Too casual. Tank top? Phil might be able to get away with it. 

He put the shirt on, combining it with a pair of whitewashed shorts. The tank was just a superhero shirt with a bunch of different DC characters on it, and he always liked it because it was nerdy but flattering. Just like him (minus the flattery). 

When he walked out of the room to show Nico, he struck a pose. “Do I look okay?” he asked nervously, wringing his hands to stop himself from tearing his hair out. 

Nico stood up and made his way over to him. He groaned, putting his arms around Phil’s neck and pulling him down to connect their lips in a less-than-innocent way. “You’re so sexy, sweet pea,” Nico growled, sounding a bit overprotective. He ran his hands all over Phil’s chest until they were skirting up Phil’s shirt, caressing the pale skin underneath. 

Despite the nervous energy going haywire throughout Phil, he somehow felt himself getting turned on. Maybe it was _because_ he was so nervous that every touch made his body feel electrified, that he found himself kissing Nico with more vigour until they were undressing Phil once more.

Nico kissed him all over, made marks over his collarbones, made sure to claim Phil as _his._ Phil couldn’t exactly complain, not when it was feeling so amazing that he temporarily forgot about his anxiety. They had sex and each of Nico’s moans were like music to Phil’s ears. He wished they could just stay inside and do this the whole night, but he knew his wishes wouldn’t be granted. Not that night at least. 

When they finished, they took a moment cleaning themselves back up before Phil started to get dressed again in his previous clothes. Nico stopped him before he could pull the tank top on. “Wear a different shirt,” he told Phil, seemingly nonchalant. 

Phil was confused and he cocked his head a bit, furrowing his eyebrows. Hadn’t Nico said he liked this shirt? Or was he lying? “Why? I thought you said I looked sexy.”

“That’s the problem,” Nico whined, kissing Phil’s naked shoulder and pouting at him. His green eyes were big and wide and he batted his eyelashes to make himself look prettier than he already was. “You’re too good looking! I may just have to ravish you again as soon as you put it back on. Besides, I don’t want anyone to take you tonight.” 

Phil cooed and pecked Nico on the lips, unable to help himself from smiling. His boyfriend was far too sweet, always looking out for him no matter the circumstance. “Fine. But you have to decide what I’m wearing. I don’t want to spend another twenty minutes looking through my clothes. 

It took approximately twelve seconds for Nico to pull out a shirt, a purple v-neck that Phil hardly ever wore anymore because it showed some of the hair on his chest. But Nico convinced him in a soft tone that he would look amazing, so he didn’t argue and just put it on. They had to leave anyway. 

The walk over was filled with complete and utter anxiety from Phil. He couldn’t stop himself from fidgeting with everything he possibly could. A thread from his shirt, his hair, the choker dangling from around his neck. He fiddled with _everything._

“Stop fretting so much,” Nico told him softly. He was texting on his phone, not even needing to look over at Phil to know that he was freaking out. Phil envied him for being so composed, even in moments like these. 

Phil bit his lip and words came out of his mouth before he could tell the words to stop. “Can I hold your hand?” 

Just like the first time Phil had asked about PDA, Nico seemed to turn to ice. His lips pressed together and he gave Phil a once-over that made him wondering if he had something disgusting on his shirt. “You know I have anxiety, sweet pea,” Nico told him carefully, in a warning tone almost. 

“But I do too, Nico,” Phil pleaded. He held his hand out, trying to catch Nico’s hand in his own, but it was snatched away before he could fully grasp it. “Please? Just this once?” 

Nico was shaking his head, and he put his hands in his pockets, out of Phil’s reach. His eyes were focused on everything but Phil, it seemed, and Phil could feel himself start to shrink in on himself, already accepting that his idea was an unfair one. He should never have asked Nico to go out of his comfort zone. “Stop asking me. The answer’s no, Phil.” 

Not ‘sweet pea’. Not ‘love’. Not even ‘sweetheart’. Just Phil. That was probably what struck Phil in the heart most of all. He didn’t even reply, just went completely silent and refused to speak for the rest of the walk. 

But that’s okay, because Nico didn’t try to talk to him either.

Soon enough, they came to the house. “Don’t lose me, okay?” Phil asked fretfully as they entered the house. The music was already so loud that it swallowed up his voice, and the only reason he knew Nico had heard at all was because of the tiny nod sent his way. 

Their hands weren’t entwined like Phil desperately wanted, but he’d long since accepted that Nico wouldn’t want to hold his hand in front of their peers, so it didn’t surprise him too much. Instead, Phil found himself gently clasping the back of Nico’s shirt as he followed him through the crowd, trying desperately not to lose his boyfriend. 

They found themselves in the kitchen soon enough, drinks being shoved into their hands. It got Phil to loosen up a bit, his head feeling a bit light and his shoulders less tense. Nico was speaking to a group of his other classmates, Phil standing behind him listening. He didn’t speak because he didn’t know if he would be capable, the alcohol sitting heavy on his tongue and making his eyes droop slightly. He watched with a slight smile as Nico threw his head back and laughed, that smile that Phil loved so much making an appearance. 

He wanted to kiss those lips so bad, but he stayed firmly in place. He didn’t want to make Nico uncomfortable with his public displays of affection. 

“I gotta piss,” Nico said to the group, pointing his thumbs in the opposite direction down the hall. “I’ll be right back.” 

Phil stood up straighter, taking a few steps forward to follow Nico. Just as he did, a shoulder knocked into his own and sent him flying backwards, his head smashing into the wall and his beer spilling all over his shirt. He cringed in pain, his head spinning, as he tried to regain his balance. But then, disoriented, he looked around, expecting to see Nico, only to be greeted with a blank space next to him. In a panic, he looked around the room, trying to find that familiar head of curly hair, and found him at the end of the hall, nearly out of sight.

“Nico, wait up!” he called over the crowd, watching with growing panic as the brunette disappeared down the hallway. 

Phil cursed, wiping off his soiled shirt with his hands and not caring that they got all sticky with beer. He started to stumble after his boyfriend, the room swaying around him, and he found himself falling to his knees puking into a potted plant instead. There was a bitter taste in his mouth and he could hardly believe he’d lost his own boyfriend. 

Who the fuck does that?

He puked once more, gagging on the taste, and sat back on his feet when he was done, wiping his mouth off with distaste. He couldn’t believe he’d just puked in a _potted plant_. 

“Hey man, you okay?” A voice asked behind him, a hand appearing on his shoulder. 

Phil jumped out of his skin, whirling around to find a familiar looking guy with a curly brown fringe and brown eyes filled with worry. Phil didn’t know why he was familiar and he gaped for a moment, trying to figure it out. 

It was when the man’s eyes widened and he gasped out a, “Phil?” that Phil realised this was Dan. The Dan who was Phil’s regular at work. 

“Dan!” Phil slurred, standing up to his full height and, before Dan could protest, he brought him into a large hug. Dan was warm and stiff with shock, but Phil was too out of it to notice, pulling away after a moment to grin at him. “What’s up, mate?”

“Er-,” Dan stuttered, his cheeks turning red with a blush and his eyes flitting around the room. “What are you doing here? Do you need help?” He gestured to Phil’s shirt and Phil laughed, waving him off. 

“‘S nothin’,” Phil told him. “Have you seen Nico?”

“Nico?” Dan echoed, confused. 

Phil nodded and he furrowed his brow. “My boyfriend. He disappeared and I can’t find him.”

Dan shook his head and watched with growing concern as Phil stumbled forward, catching himself on Dan’s arm for support. “Do you, uh, need some help finding him?”

“Yes! You’re an angel!” Phil exclaimed excitedly, nodding his head until there was black hair in his eyes. He blinked it out of the way with frustration. 

They started searching then, with Dan supporting a much-too-drunk Phil on his arm. Phil didn’t even have the right mind to be embarrassed that his own customer was seeing him in such a state. He didn’t really care about anything other than his lost boyfriend and the spinning room at the moment. Dan was quiet as well, a strange feat in itself as Dan was usually weirdly loud and flirtatious whenever Phil served him. 

Once again, Phil didn’t pay any mind to it. But Dan did, leading Phil to a sofa in the corner of the room, and forcing Phil to sit down. 

“Let’s just sit for a bit until you feel better, okay? Then we can find Nico.” Dan sat beside Phil, a tiny bit too close, but Phil didn’t mind. Dan was warm, and he liked warm. He melted into the touch. 

“Oh Nico,” Phil sighed dramatically, resting his head on the back of the couch. He smiled, that same warmth emanating from Dan making a home in Phil’s belly at the thought of Nico. “He’s wonderful isn’t he? He always takes such good care of me.” 

Dan shuffled a bit next to him, and he was probably uncomfortable, but he was listening to Phil anyway. What a great man. Phil was glad to know someone as nice as Dan. “Is that right? Tell me about Nico, then.”

“He’s just… I _love_ him!” Phil exclaimed, pushing himself up from the couch in his excitement. A friendly and gentle hand on his wrist kept him from standing up, instead forcing him to sit back down. Phil slapped his hands on his lap to show just how much he loved Nico. “He’s so wonderful, Dan. I don’t think you understand, okay? He has these nice freckles that are like constellations and these pretty green eyes. He kisses like a God. We’ve only been dating for like a month and a half, but I could probably marry the guy.” Turning to face Dan, he stared into his soft brown eyes as seriously as he could muster. “Get you a man like that, Dan.” 

The comment made Dan chuckle and rest his head in his hand, staring at Phil with amusement in his gaze. “Sounds like I definitely need a Nico in my life, then. I’ll make a note of it.” 

This admittance caused Phil to rant a little bit longer about how wonderful Nico is and about how lucky Phil was to have him in his life. He knew that there was no way he could live without Nico by his side anymore, as a best friend _and_ a lover. He’d become codependent on him already. 

But halfway through his speech, Phil stopped. His eyebrows furrowed and he glanced around the room, looking for the man of his affections. “Where is Nico anyway?” he asked Dan as if Dan knew the answer.

Dan frowned, seemingly concerned. “I’m not really sure, tbh.”

Phil began to panic, tugging at his hair. His hands began to shake. “Where did he go? He promised not to leave me here. He _promised_!” He started to get irrationally angry, flames building in his chest until he couldn’t contain them anymore. He put his hands on Dan’s shoulders and shook him, a noise almost like a wail coming from his throat. “Why did he leave me by myself?! He knows I don’t like crowds!”

Panic flitted across Dan’s face and he gently removed Phil’s hands from his shoulders, petting them. “We’ll find him,” Dan promised, squeezing Phil’s hands gently. “For the meantime, I’ll stay with you. I won’t leave you alone.” 

There was an actual halo on Dan’s head, a light surrounding him, Phil was absolutely sure. He was an angel God sent from heaven, made specifically to bless Phil in all of his endeavors. He couldn’t believe how lucky he was in this moment to have someone like Dan looking out for him. He was so glad, in fact, that he started to tear up and had to wipe his eyes with his palm. “That’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever said to me,” Phil said emotionally. 

“Hey now, don’t cry,” Dan laughed, patting Phil on the back.

“You’re just… too good to be _real_.” Phil gasped, putting his hand to his mouth, eyes wide as saucers. “ _Are_ you real?”

“I can confirm I’m real,” Dan assured him, and Phil let out a disappointed ‘damn it’ because he kind of wanted Dan to be a ghost. That’d be cool.

Suddenly, a hand appeared on Phil’s wrist, gripping so hard that Phil let out a confused whine. He was yanked from the couch, out of Dan’s grip, and turned to look at his attacker with squinted eyes. It took him a moment for his eyes to focus, but when they did, his face lit up. “Nico!” Phil squealed, ignoring the twinging pain in his wrist from where Nico was holding onto him. “I’m so sorry I lost you, I didn’t mean to, I swear.”

Nico wasn’t looking at him, his eyes instead narrowed at the space beside Phil. He was glaring at Dan, something akin to a challenge in his gaze. “You trying to fuck with my boyfriend?” Nico asked, venom in his tone. 

Phil shook his head and put his hand on Nico’s chest in attempts to calm him down. Nico slapped his hand away. “He was trying to help me find you,” Phil assured his boyfriend. “He wasn’t trying to do anything weird. We just sat down cause I puked in a plant.” He started laughing hysterically at that, like it was the funniest thing he’d uttered all day, but Nico didn’t seem amused. In fact, he seemed a bit disgusted, looking Phil up and down as if he was inspecting him for any sign of puke on him.

“Why did you bring him here, dude?” Dan asked after a moment of silence. Both Phil and Nico turned to stare at him, but Dan didn’t back down. He was taller than Nico, but at the moment, Phil couldn’t help but think that Nico seemed much bigger in stature. “He’s _clearly_ terrified of parties. So why’d you drag him here?” 

Nico stared at Dan long and hard until Dan was shuffling uncomfortably and breaking eye contact. Phil cocked his head, confused about what was going on and sluggishly trying to keep up. “We agreed it would be fun to go to a party today. As a _couple_.” With that, Nico dragged Phil into him, an arm around his waist, one that was a bit too possessive. Phil was too drunk to notice. 

Dan scoffed and shook his head, crossing his arms over his chest. He was glaring at Nico, absolutely _glaring_ , as if venom could seep into his gaze. “Right. Because he’s so _obviously_ having fun. When I found him earlier, he was a right mess.” 

“Hey!” Phil exclaimed, pouting.

“Stay out of this, sweet pea,” Nico growled, and the nickname was back, this time sounding like a way to tell Phil he was serious. He drew himself up and made himself bigger than Dan - somehow - until he was nearly looking down on him. “Who are you to tell me how to handle my relationship?” 

Shaking his head, Dan let out a disbelieving snort. “I’m just saying, mate. If a stranger can tell that your own boyfriend isn’t having a good time, maybe they’re a better boyfriend than you ever were.” Phil gaped at Dan, the comment somehow sobering him up, and Nico went completely tense beside Phil.

He was silent for a good while, staring at Dan, looking him up and down in disgust. Phil couldn’t believe he had two grown men fighting over him. His drunken brain was _ecstatic_. “Phil, we’re leaving,” Nico said finally, after a few moments where he didn’t talk. 

Phil’s brief excitement came to a halt. “What? But I just made a new friend,” Phil interjected, whining like a child being told they had to leave the park. Why did Nico want to leave all of a sudden? Wasn’t the party his idea after all?

“We’re _leaving_ ,” Nico ordered in a dictatorial tone, leaving no room for arguments. 

Phil sighed and nodded, turning to grin widely at Dan. “I guess I’m leaving, then,” Phil told him as if Dan hadn’t been there the entire time. “Thanks for helping me find Nico. I’ll see you back at LaBella’s, okay?”

Dan grinned and nodded, but his smile didn’t reach his eyes. His gaze was flickering between Phil’s face and the hand wrapped around Phil’s wrist, an uncertain expression flickering across his face. “I’ll see you around, Phil.”

Tugging harshly, Nico started to manhandle Phil away from the party. He whined a bit, complaining that Nico was hurting him, but Nico didn’t listen. He didn’t loosen his grip until they were a few blocks down the street, the music fading into the night sky. Only then did he release Phil’s wrist, which Phil immediately rubbed at. He could still feel the fingers pressed there, ingrained into his skin like a tattoo, and he pouted. 

“That hurt,” Phil muttered again, stumbling after Nico. And then, “I’m sorry.” He didn’t even know what he was apologizing for. 

Nico scoffed. “You deserved it,” he said under his breath. 

“What the hell does that mean?”

“Do you think I don’t know what’s going on, Phil?” Nico hissed. He wasn’t looking at Phil, seemingly trying to avoid glancing at him. “I could see the way he looked at you. Don’t try to act all innocent when you’re at a party acting like a fucking slut.”

“I- _what_?” Phil spluttered. This was too much for his drunk brain and he tripped and fell, his hands catching himself on the pavement. His palms burned where the cement cut him, blood starting to slowly seep from the wounds. Nico continued to walk as Phil tried to stand up by himself. 

“You were going to cheat on me with that fucking loser,” Nico said matter-of-factly. 

“No I wasn’t! I wouldn't do that!”

“Well you certainly _look_ like you’re asking for it.” The comment made Phil look down at what he was wearing. He frowned deeply. He was only wearing a purple v-neck and skinny jeans. What was wrong with that? “Your shirt and tight jeans make you look like such a whore, Phil. I’m disappointed.”

“I didn’t know you didn’t like this outfit,” Phil whispered. “You’re the one who picked it out.”

They were coming to Nico’s apartment now, the lights inside notifying Phil that his roommate was home. He was slightly embarrassed to be seen in his drunken and upset state, but Nico didn’t seem to care. He pushed open the door and led Phil inside, straight to his room. He didn’t pay any attention to Phil as he stumbled up the stairs behind Nico, and he certainly didn’t pay attention as he stormed past his roommate and into his room, a quiet Phil with bloodied hands drunkenly following.

Once inside with the door closed, Nico nodded at his shirt. “Take it off,” Nico instructed. 

Phil gaped at him. “ _Why_?”

“Because I hate that shirt,” Nico snapped. 

The harshness of the tone made Phil’s mind begin to buzz. His drunken brain didn’t quite understand what was happening, and he suspected that was the reason he didn’t start crying right then and there. When Phil made no move to remove his shirt, Nico stepped forward and Phil didn’t know why he flinched as Nico reached for him. 

Instead of grabbing him directly, he grabbed Phil’s shirt, a hand on each side of the collar. His eyes were dark as he tsked, and Phil stared back in confusion. 

All of a sudden, Nico was pulling. 

It took far longer than he should be proud of for Phil to realise what was happening. 

One moment, he had a perfectly nice v-neck shirt, and the next moment, the shirt was ripped in half and falling from his shoulders. 

“You- you _ripped_ my favourite shirt!” Phil choked out. He was more shocked than anything, his eyes so wide that they stung. He could hardly believe what had just happened and he didn’t know if this was something his drunken mind had conjured up in his sleep. 

Instead of answering, Nico just took the remains of Phil’s shirt and threw them under the bed. He wouldn’t meet Phil’s eyes. “Let’s go to sleep,” he said. 

In his shocked and drunken state, Phil didn’t argue. His hands were still bleeding. His head was absolutely killing from the knock he’d taken earlier. But he was far too exhausted, too confused, too _upset_ to think about cleaning up. Instead, he fell onto the bed like he was welcoming his lover and let the sweet darkness of sleep take him. 

-

They woke up in each other’s arms. At some point in the night, Nico had given in and curled around Phil, his head nestled into Phil’s neck. The gentle puffs of breath over his skin tickled, but Phil didn’t complain because he was too happy that Nico was finally paying attention to him again.

“I’m so sorry about last night,” Nico said when they woke up in each other's arms. “I must have drunk too much. I hardly even remember anything.”

Phil laughed it off, albeit a bit uneasily, nursing his headache with a cup of too-sweet coffee. “It’s okay, we both must have been rather out of it.” Phil smiled over at Nico and Nico smiled back. “Love you.”

“Love you too,” Nico murmured, swooping in and pressing a soft kiss to Phil’s lips. 

The gesture made Phil melt, and he almost even forgot about his hangover. Even though he _did_ end up missing his Friday morning class.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: this chapter includes description of violence, such as suffocation. There is also depictions of anxiety and mentions of throwing up. Please be safe!  
> Thank you to snowbunnylester and littlelionsloves for betaing this monster for me! The lyrics at the beginning are from the song Don't Trust Me by 3OH!3 lmao (i couldn't resist).

_Bruises cover your arms, shaking in the fingers with a bottle in your palm._

-

Friday was a lazy day, one filled with Phil dashing to the toilet and puking his brains out while Nico patted his back and held a cold towel to his neck. He opted out of going to class, knowing that Philosophy would only be filled with him leaving every five seconds to go to the restroom, head pounding as Chandler tried to get some gossip from him. 

So they stayed in, wrapped up in their little cocoon, away from the rest of the world. The blinds were drawn, leaving the room in a shroud of darkness, and Phil was holding Nico close, resting his head on his chest, drawing circles into his skin. It was peaceful, Phil’s throbbing headache finally going away as the day passed by. He could stay like this forever, he reckoned. 

Besides, staying in when they were both beginning to feel slightly better meant sex. And _a lot_ of it. Thanks to the newness of their sex life, doing anything of the sort was _amazing_. Nico wasn’t exactly unskilled and he always knew how to make Phil’s toes curl in the best of ways, gripping tight to his waist. Occasionally he would leave fingerprint shaped bruises pressed into his skin, but Phil didn’t mind. He’d always been slightly obsessed with marking, bruising, _biting_ during sex, so it didn’t bother him in the slightest. 

Hell, it only turned him on even more.

Phil could tell that Nico was falling asleep once again, floating in and out of dreamland, the calm atmosphere making it hard to resist. He could tell he was falling asleep by the way the hand brushing through his hair slowed to a stop, by the way Nico was no longer pressing soft kisses to his forehead and whispering how much he loved Phil or how good it felt to hold Phil like that. 

It was nice, more than Phil could have ever asked for. 

He laid there for as long as he could before his bladder caught up with him, leaving a terrible feeling in his gut. He groaned, not really wanting to leave his cocoon, but another pang from his abdomen made him untangle from Nico as carefully as possible, not caring that he was just in his boxers as he sprinted out of the room. 

“Gotta pee, gotta pee, gotta _pee_ ,” he muttered to himself, hopping around on his feet. When he finally got to the bathroom after his long journey from the bedroom, he almost sobbed in relief while he did his business. Who knew peeing could be such a wonderful thing? 

When he stepped out of the bathroom after finishing up and washing his hands with the _wonderful_ (and ironic) sweet pea scented soap, he nearly shat his pants. “Oh, jesus!” he exclaimed, putting his hand over his heart as he regarded the man in front of him. 

A quiff of blonde hair, ice blue eyes, and nicely trimmed facial hair; this must be Nico’s flatmate. Even though Phil and Nico had been dating for over a month, Phil still had yet to run into his flatmate. Until now, that is. He was just never home, it seemed, always either at work or off with his mates. 

“Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you,” Nico’s flatmate commented. He smiled and it was far too bright. Was this guy a supermodel or what? He stuck his hand out and Phil shook it awkwardly, far too aware that he was almost naked. “I’m Ledjon.” 

“Phil.” He offered his own grin, crossing his arms over his chest after he finished their handshake as a way to cover himself a little bit. “I’ve heard a lot about you. It’s nice to finally meet you.” 

The most noticeable thing about Ledjon was the way his eyes crinkled when he smiled. Phil didn’t know beforehand just how much he liked it until then. It was just really endearing and _warm_. “Likewise. Seems like Nico never shuts up about you anymore.” 

Phil laughed a bit awkwardly, not really knowing what to say but feeling warmth swell in his chest at the words anyway. “Sorry about that.”

Ledjon waved his hand dismissively. “Nah, it’s cute.” His blue eyes felt like they were piercing right through Phil, moving over his naked chest almost like he was checking him out. The only reason Phil felt as though he _wasn’t_ being checked out was because Ledjon didn’t seem interested in the slightest. But what else could he be doing then? It just didn’t make sense and Phil shuffled a bit uncomfortably. 

Then, Phil saw Ledjon’s gaze stop at his hips and he glanced down only to feel his entire face heat up. Because on his hips were newly formed bruises from where Nico had gripped him just a bit too hard during _sex,_ of all things. 

Phil wanted to die in that moment. 

“Oh man,” Ledjon said. An expression flitted across his face - concern - before it was gone in a heartbeat. He let out a little whistle, raising his eyebrow. “Be careful with that guy, okay mate?” 

Phil furrowed his eyebrows, confused. “What? What d’ya mean?” 

Ledjon shrugged, pressing his lips together. He seemed a bit like he was trying to phrase his next works correctly. Phil didn’t really understand what was happening. Was he dreaming? Was this some weird nightmare from his hangover? “Just… be careful, yeah? I don’t want you to get hurt.” 

“Erm. Alright, then. Thanks,” Phil said, slowly beginning to back away back towards Nico’s room. His head was starting to spin again and he needed to lay down before he threw up. That alcohol must have gotten out of hand last night. “Well, I should be heading back now. It was good to meet you.” 

“You too, Phil,” Ledjon replied lightly, almost as if the previous conversation had never happened. Nico had really found himself a strange flatmate. 

Phil practically bolted back to Nico’s room. His heart was pounding as if he had just run a marathon, and he catapulted himself into the bed without a care in the world. It jostled Nico awake, who sat up quickly, his eyes wide. 

“What the-?!” he exclaimed, his green eyes glossy with sleep, his voice groggy. “Phil? What’s going on?” 

Phil bit his lip, sliding under the covers so he could be closer to him. He tangled their feet together and pushed Nico down so he was lying again, that way he could curl up into his chest and pretend he was smaller for just a little while. But then it brought up the question on if Phil should tell Nico about what Ledjon had said. Was it rude to mention? 

“I went pee,” Phil told him conversationally, deciding in point five seconds to just tell him. An honest relationship was the best kind of relationship, after all. “While I was in the hallway, I met Ledjon for the first time.” 

Nico chuckled and settled in close to Phil, nuzzling his nose into his hair. His breathing tickled Phil’s head a little bit, but he liked it. “That’s good, I’ve been trying to get you two to meet for a while now. What’d he say?” 

Shrugging, Phil feigned nonchalance. “Not much.” A pause. “He told me to be careful of you.” At that, Nico seemed to tense up slightly, and Phil turned to look up at his boyfriend, bringing his hand up so he could brush his fingertips across his freckled cheeks. “What did he mean by that? Why would I have to be careful of you? You’re so _sweet_ , it’s not like you’re an asshole.” 

The way that Phil’s voice turned slightly whiney at the end made Nico laugh lightly, and Phil felt it as he relaxed slightly. Poor thing was probably worried Phil had stopped liking him after hearing he had to be careful, which was why he had tensed up so much. “You better believe I’m not an asshole, sweet pea,” Nico murmured, leaning forward slightly so he could press a chaste kiss to Phil’s awaiting lips. “Don’t listen to that fucker. He always tries to get the people I like to stop being with me. Something about jealousy, I think.” 

“Well that’s not fair. I don’t understand how he could do something like that for no reason.” 

Nico shrugged. “Beats me. Hopefully I’ll be able to move in with someone else next year instead.” He then turned onto his side and situated Phil so that he was literally wrapped up in Nico’s arms. It was so comfortable that Phil couldn’t resist closing his eyes, melting into the touch. “Now, enough talk. More sleep. I tired.” 

Phil laughed and shook his head as well as he could when in Nico’s arms. “Fine. Love you dearly.” 

“Love you too, sweet pea,” Nico murmured, kissing him on the nose. 

The rest of the day went by in a blur of warmth and general sleepiness. Phil didn’t throw up again that day, and he couldn’t be more thankful for the way Nico had taken care of him so well. He must be the luckiest man on Earth.

-

When Phil showed up to work on Saturday, he prayed that Dan wouldn’t show up. While he always appreciated Dan’s company, he also didn’t want to have to face the embarrassment of having to know how he acted towards Dan at the party. He had been completely shitfaced, assaulted him with a hug, and then complained about his boyfriend ditching him. He had made an absolute _ass_ of himself. 

The day went slowly, so slowly that he felt as though the night would never end and he would never be able to go home. He kept a careful eye on his tables, making sure that Dan didn’t step into the vicinity. Maybe he’d scared him off so badly that Dan wouldn’t want to step another foot into the store. He could only hope, if only to save himself from the mortification. 

But as soon as it reached half four, Phil knew he wasn’t that lucky. Dan walked inside, following the hostess and chattering calmly, completely intrigued by the story she was telling. He seemed completely relaxed, his hands in his pockets, not at all anxious like Phil had been all day. Typical Dan, if Phil was being honest. He was always such a soothing presence. 

It took him two minutes of hyping himself up to be able to approach him. He was truly pathetic.

“Dan!” Phil exclaimed, bounding towards the table and messing with his notepad. His heart was pounding in his chest, and he could feel himself getting nervous, his palms sweating even though he _knew_ Dan, and he knew he wouldn’t judge him for being at a party. He couldn’t help but feel embarrassed though, knowing that his own customer had seen him make a fool out of himself. 

Dan grinned up at him, his dimple caving in on his cheek. It was one of Phil’s favourite things about Dan, because it made him look so young and _kind_ , as if he couldn’t do anyone any harm. 

“Hey Phil. How are you doing today?” 

He didn’t seem nervous at all, and it melted some of Phil’s own worries away. 

Phil shrugged. “I’m here, I suppose,” he joked, looking around the restaurant with a raised eyebrow. “Do you want the usual?” 

“You know me so well,” Dan sang, handing Phil his menu. Phil took it, which exposed his wrist to Dan. It was the same wrist Nico had grabbed the other night, so tight that Phil could still remember how his fingers had pressed hard into his skin, so hard that it hurt.

His wrist was still bruise, small blue imprints on his pale skin that had started to fade to a disgusting yellow. Dan’s jaw tightened and he stared at the marks with an unreadable expression on his face. It wasn’t like Nico had done this to him on purpose. He didn’t want Dan to get the wrong idea. They’d both just been very drunk and Nico had accidentally held his wrist a little too hard. That was it. It wasn’t that deep. 

“Was that from…?” 

“We were drunk,” Phil interjected, giving Dan a fake smile and snatching his wrist away, embarrassed and somehow worried that someone would get the wrong impression about it. “He didn’t realise he was hurting me, and I didn’t realise he was grabbing me that hard,” Phil tried to explain, nervous for some reason.” I’ll go put your order in for you now.” 

With that, Phil turned around and fled. His heart was pounding and he was cradling his hand to his chest. It was as if he could feel the ghost of Nico’s fingers around his wrist again, and he didn’t know why he couldn’t just get it out of his head.

He was nervous to go back to Dan’s table. He didn’t want Dan to say anything about it again, but he knew he had to face him eventually. His palms were sweating as he grabbed the strawberry margarita from the bar and the condensation almost made the glass slip out of his hand. A bit of the liquid sloshed over the side, the sugar on the rim dissolving on impact. Phil cursed under his breath. 

Dan didn’t bring it up as he set the alcohol on the table. Instead, he grinned up at Phil and said, “Can I have your number?” in the most innocent voice possible. 

Phil spluttered a bit, his face going red at the implication, and Dan seemed to realise what had happened because his eyes widened and he shook his head. “I just had a lot of fun hanging out with you at the party. We should do it again, yeah?”

“I don’t like parties,” Phil blurted out, which made Dan’s eyebrows raise. The smile didn’t waver.

“Okay,” Dan said. Phil watched as Dan picked up the margarita and took a sip, his tongue flicking out as he licked the sugar from his lips. “We can hang out with just the two of us, then. No pressure. I’ve been your customer for so long that I’m surprised it hasn’t happened already, to be honest.”

Phil was surprised. Phil barely knew Dan besides what he liked to eat for lunch every Saturday, and yet Dan wanted to hang out with him, wanted to get to know him, said that it was okay if Phil didn’t feel like going to a party with him. It was strange, but Phil couldn’t help but feel touched anyway. 

He didn’t get to hang out with friends that much anymore because most of his time was taken up by Nico, so having someone be keen to become his friend was a bit interesting, to say the least.

“Okay,” Phil echoed, nodding. “Okay, yeah.” He took his pen out of his apron pocket and wrote his phone number on one of Dan’s napkins, his hand shaking only slightly. 

The smile that adorned Dan’s face was worth it, and Phil couldn’t help but grin back. When he got home that night to a text from Dan, Phil couldn’t even deny that he fell asleep many hours later mid-text about an anime debate with Dan, pleasantly surprised by how well they got on. 

-

Dan Howell - 9:25am  
G’mornin partner. Howdee do?

Phil Lester - 9:27am  
Was… was that even english?

Dan Howell - 9:30am  
Dont question me. I’ll have you know I’m a very smart boye

Phil Lester - 9:30am  
Yeah, ok. You keep telling yourself that mate

Dan Howell - 9:32am  
You callin me a liar?

Phil Lester - 9:35am  
Well I ain’t callin you a truther

Dan Howell - 9:35am  
Wow… i can’t believe you. Rip @me

Phil Lester - 9:37am  
Bet you didn’t know you befriended a savage

Dan Howell - 9:40am  
Had no idea. Blocked and unfriended

Phil Lester - 9:40am  
Haha :)

Dan Howell - 9:45am  
:)

-

Phil made sure to put his phone on silent before he went over to Nico’s. As much as he adored talking to Dan, he didn’t want to ruin his night by not being able to take his eyes off of his phone. Dan understood, thankfully, just telling him to have fun and to talk to him when he was able to.

He didn’t even have to knock before barging right on into Nico’s apartment. Once again, like deja vu, he nearly ran into Ledjon, who seemed to be on his way out, hand poised in the air where the doorknob had just been. 

“Oh!” Ledjon exclaimed, eyes widening, and it was then that Phil noticed something was wrong. Only a few nights ago, when Phil had first met him, he had two beautiful blue eyes that were devoid of any blemishes. Or, more specifically, _bruising_. Now, his eye was so swollen shut that Phil couldn’t help but gape at him. “It’s you! Sorry, I was just on my way out.” 

He scratched the back of his head sheepishly as Phil stared at him, and it was the movement that made Phil finally snap out of it. But he couldn’t help asking about it, especially because it looked so _painful_. “Where in the hell did you get that shiner?” Phil asked, pointing to his eye. 

“Oh, erm-.” 

Right then, Nico appeared in the hallway. He was grinning brightly at Phil, lighting up the entire room with his ethereal beauty. Phil fell in love all over again. “You asking about his black eye?” Nico asked, laughing and pointing at Ledjon’s appearance. Phil nodded and Ledjon became silent, grimacing but otherwise not saying anything. “Fucker got into a fight after class the other day. Isn’t that wild?” 

Phil’s expression moulded into one of shock as he regarded Ledjon, who just chuckled awkwardly and shrugged. “Little asshole was asking for it,” Ledjon muttered, running an exasperated hand through his blonde hair. 

Nico chuckled and clapped him on a shoulder in a way that looked like it hurt. “Keep telling yourself that, buddy.”

After Ledjon left, Nico turned and held open his arms for Phil to fall into. Which he did, very much grateful. 

“I’ve been waiting for this all day,” Phil groaned into Nico’s shoulder, tightening his arms around him as much as he possibly could. Nico just felt so _good_ , all warm and inviting. The way that he held Phil so close to him, petting his hand through his hair, made Phil’s entire body completely relax. 

He just felt like home.

It was a lazy day, a date night inside with movies and popcorn and a warm body holding Phil’s. Even though Phil was taller, Nico always insisted on being the big spoon, claiming he liked to hold Phil and feel his body pressed against his chest. It made Phil feel smaller than Nico, but he kind of liked it. But maybe that was just because it was Nico. 

They were watching Pan’s Labyrinth, and Phil was completely immersed in the movie. The storyline was absolutely magical, the special effects were absolutely mind blowing. Phil loved the monsters in the movie and the entire fairy tale aura to it. He knew before it ended that it was going to be one of his new favourites. 

There was a half eaten bag of popcorn on the ground that Phil dipped his hand into, taking out a few pieces and eating them delicately. He didn’t like buttered popcorn that much, instead preferring kettle corn, but Nico refused to eat kettle corn, so Phil just settled for buttered anyway. The butter stained his fingers and made his mouth feel greasy, but he ignored it because popcorn was the perfect consistency for movies. 

Fingers suddenly dug into Phil’s side and he squealed, spilling his handful of popcorn on the floor. He wriggled away from Nico as much as he could and turned his head to glare at him. “Stop, I’m watching the movie,” he complained. 

“But, I’m bored,” Nico whined, nuzzling his nose into Phil’s neck and breathing heavily so it tickled the skin there. 

Phil batted him away. “I said to stop, Nico. We only have a little bit left and I quite like this movie.”

Nico huffed and backed off, grumbling under his breath about how Phil was being dumb. Phil ignored him, but he couldn’t help but feel slightly hurt that Nico was making this out to be a bigger deal than it actually was. They continued watching for a few minutes and Phil got lost in the scenery again, completely forgetting about everything else.

He was rudely interrupted by Nico suddenly pushing him off the couch, his head banging painfully on the hardwood floor. “Ow! Nico what the fu-?!” he started, but was cut off by Nico falling on top of him. Fingers began to attack his sides once more and he screeched, trying to get away from the offending digits. 

His head was absolutely pounding after he knocked it on the floor, but he couldn’t really focus on it when Nico was attacking him like that. So despite the way his head was throbbing, he started to plan how he could get out of this mess. Knowing his attempts were futile, Phil gave up the attempt to get away and started to attack back, digging his fingers into Nico’s armpits and giggling as his boyfriend shrieked. 

The movie was temporarily forgotten, but Phil resolved that he would catch up on it later. There was no way he would be able to concentrate when his boyfriend was being so fidgety. 

They wrestled for a bit, Nico restraining Phil’s hands by holding his wrists above his head with one hand while the other danced across his stomach. Phil was panting, sweating, his throat hurting from laughing. 

“Stop, stop!” Phil gasped out, trying to shove Nico off. He could barely _breathe_ anymore with how hard he was laughing and with Nico’s weight on top of him. 

Nico didn’t stop, though, instead grabbing a pillow from the couch. He smacked Phil in the face with it, and Phil spluttered a bit, his eyes wide. 

It didn’t hurt really, just took him off guard. 

“ _Nico_!” Phil exclaimed, glaring up at him when he hit him once more. He caught sight of Nico’s innocent grin and went to open his mouth to tell him to actually get off of him so he could _breathe_ , but then his words were completely cut off by a pillow being pressed to his face. 

It wasn’t like the other two times, where Nico just hit him with it quickly. No, instead, it was held against his face, both of Nico’s hands pressing it against Phil’s nose and mouth. Phil had a moment where his mind went blank, where he couldn’t digest what was happening, and then he tried to take a breath, only to find that he couldn’t. 

He let out a strangled noise from the back of his throat, but that only seemed to make him lose even more air. He struggled, trying to shove Nico off, but Nico wasn’t budging at all, his body on top of Phil’s completely trapping him in place. It was a horrible feeling, one where Phil kept trying to gasp in air but couldn’t get nearly enough to sustain his lungs. He started to feel dizzy, his chest burning with the desire to breathe, but Nico still wouldn’t get off of him. 

_Why wasn’t he moving off of him?_

Just as Phil thought he was about to pass out, the pillow was removed from his face, and he was finally allowed to gasp in mouthfuls of air. He moved to the side, finally dislodging Nico from his body, and panted into the floor, staring at his boyfriend with wide eyes. 

“Nico, what the hell?” Phil whisper-yelled, because he still felt his heart trying to calm down in his chest and his head was a bit fuzzy. 

Nico’s eyes were wide and full of concern. He put a hand on Phil’s leg and rubbed soothing circles into his calf. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was hurting you,” Nico whimpered. Phil could hear the guilt in his tone, his eyes downcast and his face full of regret. “I was just joking.” 

Phil laid back on the ground and closed his eyes. He kicked the pillow as far away from him as he could, and took a few deep breaths, trying to calm his shaking hands and his aching chest. 

“Just…” Phil started, swallowing hard and squeezing his eyes shut. He could feel Nico’s touch on his leg and he wanted to scream at him to stop touching him, but he didn’t. “Just don’t do it again.”

“I won’t,” Nico promised. “I love you, sweet pea.” There were lips on Phil’s forehead and he smiled softly at the nickname. 

“Love you too.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Amidst the horror of this story, here's something cute and sweet! The lyrics at the beginning are from a song called All Our Bruised Bodies And The Whole Heart Shrinks by La Dispute! Thank you (as always) to littlelionsloves and snowbunnylester for being my lovely betas! I couldn't do this without you two! I’ve also started making audiofics, where you can find on my youtube, skeletonflowers!

_Tell me what your worst fears are. I bet they look a lot like mine. Tell me what you think about when you can’t fall asleep at night_.

-

It had been a few weeks since Phil had started talking to Dan, and today was the day where he was going over to Dan’s place. He was practically vibrating with both nerves and excitement. While he could hardly wait to finally get to know Dan in person just as well as he knew him through text, he was also anxious about how it was going to go in the first place.

Dan was everything Phil had ever wanted in a friend. He was witty, funny, and sarcastic at all the right times, but he also knew how to console Phil whenever he needed it. It was just strange for Phil to think that he had befriended his most valued customer, someone who he’d known for a year, but who he’d never really, well, _known_. 

So now that Phil was finally going to his apartment? He didn’t know what to expect. He was walking into a mystery head first. What kind of flat would someone who wore grandma sweaters and who liked memes more than themselves have? Would he have framed photos of Doge hanging up on the wall? Would he have a list of his favourite memes on the fridge? 

As Phil soon found out, only the latter was true.

Dan had just greeted him at the door with an overly excited hug and an exclamation of, “Phil!” that sounded just a bit more like ‘Phiw’ than anything else. He had then blabbered on for two minutes about how he was nervous to finally be showing Phil around, and Phil had only been able to quiet him with a large smile and an agreement that he was also very nervous. That seemed to be enough to compel Dan to give him a flat tour, waving his hands excitedly as he gestured to his favourite belongings.

It wasn’t what Phil had expected, really. Dan was such a colourful person, in both language and wear, that it took him completely off guard when he came to the realisation that Dan’s flat was decorated with monochrome colours, whites and blacks and grays. Phil pointed this out to Dan, who shook his head. 

“Now that’s not true!” he exclaimed, grabbing Phil by the elbow and dragging him towards the kitchen. Phil didn’t know what he was supposed to be looking at until Dan pointed at the refrigerator, which was decorated with a million post-it notes and a few pokemon magnets. He had trouble keeping his snort in. “A source of colour amidst the dreary scenery, your majesty. You’re welcome.”

This time, Phil _did_ snort, shaking his head and smiling widely at Dan. “You’re such a nerd,” he told him, and Dan just shrugged as if he’d already known that. Phil turned back to the fridge, looking over all of the notes, wondering what Dan could possibly need that many reminders for. And right there, smack dab in the middle of the fridge on an orange note, read ‘FAVOURITE MEMES’ in large block letters. Phil groaned. “Of course you’d have a list of memes on your fridge. You’re my least favourite person.”

Dan made a face and grabbed a pen and a stack of bright pink sticky notes from the counter. “If I’m your least favourite because I’m _fun_ then I’d hate to see the dull fuck who has garnered all of your attention.” Phil watched with mild curiosity as he scribbled something unknown on the note before tearing it off and sticking it right to Phil’s forehead. “There. I think that accurately portrays you as a person.”

Unable to stop himself, Phil reached up and took it off, reading over the note. He almost couldn’t read it honestly, because Dan’s scrawl was like hieroglyphics, but after probably a hundred years had passed, he finally figured out what it said. 

“Boring old man?” Phil read in a flat tone. He glanced up and met Dan’s gaze with his own unimpressed expression. “And here _I_ thought it was _you_ who was the old person. Considering you have your very own grandma sweatshirt.”

“Hey, I wore that to be ironic!”

“Right. Which is why you’re wearing a shirt right now that says World’s Best Daddy.”

Dan gasped, covering the words on his shirt like he was trying to shield himself. “I am a man who appreciates good humour, thank you very much.” He put his nose in the air, looking down at Phil in an attempt to make it seem like he had a mightier-than-thou attitude. “Not like someone such as _yourself_ would understand something as complex and three-dimensional as _humour_. You disgust me.”

With a mock-offended scoff, Phil snatched the stack of post-its and the pen from Dan’s hands. In his haste, he almost dropped them, but luckily his butterfingers didn’t betray him for once. He hid the note from Dan as he wrote his payback on it before tearing it off and sticking it to Dan’s arm. 

“There,” he said simply. “Now we’re even.”

Phil could tell that Dan tried to hide his smile, but it failed miserably when he read the note. The corners of his lips turned up and his eyes considerably brightened. “Meme-loving fuck,” he read, shaking his head and meeting Phil’s eyes. His face turned serious. “Is this supposed to be an insult? Feels a bit more like a medal of honour.”

With a snort, Phil shook his head and took the note away from Dan. He stuck both his and Dan’s on the fridge, near the center because they were obviously more important than anything else. “There. Now you’ll never forget about the boring old man who called you a meme-loving fuck.” 

“You say that as if I could forget about you,” Dan murmured softly, and he shot Phil a smile that was somewhat sheepish. In all honesty, Phil found it endearing. He couldn’t believe how lucky he had been to call Dan his friend. All of his earlier worries seemed to have just flown out of the window as soon as he walked through the threshold. “Now enough of this sappy shit. I’m going to beat your ass at Mario Kart.”

“You’re on.”

Playing games with Dan was fun, but that wasn’t at all surprising to Phil. He’d long since realised that he enjoyed Dan’s company, so teasing and yelling at each other as they tried to destroy each other in Mario Kart was easy. Through this, he ended up getting to know more about Dan as well. 

He found out that Dan liked to yell. A lot. If there was any chance that his victory would be jeopardised, then his voice would get so high pitched that it nearly shattered Phil’s eardrums. He cussed more than usual, the F-bomb dropping every two seconds as he slammed his shoulder into Phil’s. He was competitive, which could turn anybody away from wanting to play with him, but Phil couldn’t help but laugh at how upset he got every time it didn’t go his way. It was just endearing, and Phil found himself having the time of his life. 

After they got bored of Mario Kart, Dan switched to Crash Bandicoot. Even though it was only a one person game, they made it into something they could both have fun with by passing the controller to the other person whenever they died.

Dan was the one playing when Phil got a text message, and he looked down at his phone to see that Nico had texted him. A grimace played on his lips, not because he wasn’t happy to hear from him, but because he hadn’t exactly told him that he was going over to Dan’s today.

**Nico x - 8:46pm**

**__** _Hey sweet pea xx_

**Nico x - 8:47pm**

**__** _What r u up to?_

**Phil Lester - 8:50pm**

**__** _not much. Chilling at home._

The lie came out before Phil could even think about what he was typing. He bit his lip so harshly that his lip tore slightly, blood pooling onto his tongue. He glanced over at Dan, who was sitting beside him playing Crash Bandicoot and swearing loudly at the television. 

Why had he lied? There was literally no reason to. It’s not like there was anything going between Phil and Dan in the slightest. They were just hanging out. Phil had no reason to lie. 

Except he couldn't stop thinking about how Nico would probably be mad if he was hanging out with Dan. It’s not like Dan and Nico had gotten along very well at the party, even though Nico had been drunk. Phil feared that Nico wouldn’t approve of his sudden friendship with the guy who pretty much told Nico he was a bad boyfriend. 

His phone chimed again, breaking his fretful thoughts. 

**Nico x - 8:56pm**

**__** _Can i come keep you company?_

Panic filled Phil for a split second before he took a few deep breaths. That’s fine. He could just… lie again. No biggie. 

**Phil Lester - 8:57pm**

**__** _Im actually trying to get some hw done tonight. Hang tomorrow? xx_

**Nico x - 8:57pm**

**__** _Cant i just come hang out while youre working on it? I miss you :-(_

Phil cursed under his breath, causing Dan to pause the game and look over at him with a concerned expression.

“You okay?” Dan asked carefully, seeming slightly uncertain like he didn’t want to overstep his boundaries. It was nice of him, in Phil’s opinion, because they didn’t really know each other well quite yet and yet he still cared enough to notice that something was wrong.

“I’m fine,” he promised, and gave Dan a tight-lipped smile. He met his eyes for good measure, holding his gaze for a few seconds until Dan sighed and accepted his reassurance. 

“Alright,” Dan said, smiling back at him, his eyes crinkling. He turned back to his game, picking up the controller. “But let me know if I can do anything for you.”

Phil didn’t nod, just picked up his phone and sent a text to Nico, spewing yet another lie. He didn’t know what was wrong with him or how he could possibly treat his own boyfriend like this. In all of his relationships, he was always really cautious to be honest with them no matter what. But suddenly, all of his values were crashing down around him. 

He didn’t deserve Nico.

**Phil Lester - 9:01pm __**

_I miss you too :( but I really need to get this paper finished. Ive been procrastinating. See you tomorrow?_

It was disgusting. _He_ was disgusting. Phil would make this up to Nico, even though he didn’t know anything about what was going on at the moment. 

**Nico x - 9:01pm __**

_Alright sweet pea. See you tomorrow, I love you._

Phil texted him that he loved him too before Dan was shoving the controller in his face. 

“I died already. I call hacks,” Dan muttered, but he was smiling despite his frustration, his face so warm that Phil couldn’t help but relax slightly, the tension in his shoulder dispelling into the couch. 

“Get ready, ‘cause you’re about to see the wrath of the _Philinator_ ,” Phil proclaimed loudly, taking the remote. At least he could try to hide his guilt by beating Dan at everything he did. 

“The Philinator? Really?” 

Needless to say, Phil didn’t end up beating Dan. But that didn’t matter because his cheeks hurt from laughing so hard and his chest felt so light it was as if he was flying. It was strange, how being with Dan could make him feel as if he had known the guy for ten years, almost like they were platonic soulmates. Even Chandler, who Phil proudly claimed as his best friend for years, didn’t have the same chemistry with him as he had with Dan. 

It was nice and Phil didn’t even think about checking his phone until he left a few hours later. But even then, the fifteen concerned text messages didn’t dare destroy his high.

-

**Phil Lester - 3:38pm __**

_Saw an old lady get bitten on her butt by a corgi just now. Made me think of you_

**Dan Howell - 3:45pm __**

_Was it her thicc ass that made you think of me? ;)_

**Phil Lester - 3:47pm __**

_You wish. It was actually her impressive amount of wrinkles that made me text you._

**Dan Howell 3:48pm __**

_Ha. ur soooo funny. U should be a comedian_

**Phil Lester - 3:48pm __**

_That’s the plan!_

**Dan Howell - 3:51pm __**

_I’ll be the first to throw the tomatoes_

**Phil Lester - 3:52pm __**

_That’s fine, I’ll just catch them in my mouth! See you at the show :*_

-

Since they had hung out together, Dan and Phil continued to become closer with each passing day. The only person Phil used to really text was Nico, but now he found his eyes glued to the phone every minute of the day, awaiting the next text message from both of his favourite people. Now what he _really_ wanted was for Nico, Dan, and Phil all to hang out together, and then his life would be complete. 

That wouldn’t be so difficult if, one, Nico didn’t hate Dan, two, Dan didn’t hate Nico, and three, Phil had told Nico that he was friends with Dan. 

Yep. He was in deep shit, that was for sure.

And Phil… Phil was the worst boyfriend in the history of boyfriends. On top of keeping the information of his newfound friendship with Dan to himself, he also found himself lying all the time when it came to he and Dan hanging out. He came up with all sorts of excuses when he planned a day with Dan. 

_Sorry, I have to work on homework._

_I can’t hang out today, I told Chandler I’d study with her._

_I have work._

So when Dan had asked Phil if he wanted to spend the _weekend_ at his house just for the heck of it because ‘they are actually teenage girls who need to have a sleepover ASAP’, Phil had a moment of panic. How was he going to explain to Nico that he was going to be away for the whole weekend because he wanted to spend his weekend with another guy? Especially a guy that Nico didn’t like? 

His perfect excuse came in the form of a well thought-out lie. 

“I’m going to my parents’ house,” he said before he could blurt out anything stupid and give Nico any wrong ideas. He wasn’t spending the night with Dan because he liked him romantically. He was doing it because he _wanted to_ , because Dan was a close friend now, because the only person Phil had bothered to hang out with lately was Nico himself. 

He needed other friends, damn it. 

Nico didn’t even bat an eyelash and just shrugged, giving Phil a sweet kiss on the forehead. “I’ll be here awaiting your return,” he promised, making guilt flood through Phil’s body, the knowledge that he was horrible stabbing through his brain. 

He was off the hook for now, able to spend the weekend with Dan, playing dumb video games and finally being able to learn more about each other. Phil was excited, _ecstatic_ even. Finally, finally he had a friend who he could play dumb games with and joke around with like there wasn’t a care in the world. It was refreshing, to say the least. 

Most of the times they hung out, it was just that - playing video games and watching movies. Phil found out quickly what types of movies Dan liked, ranging from Baby Driver to Deathgasm. He was one of the most complicated people Phil had ever met, his personality and hobbies all over the place with no set pattern. One day, he’d show up to class in stupid ironic daddy shirts and the next, he’d be wearing the most fashionable sense of style Phil had ever laid his eyes on. He had _designer_ clothing, which Dan blamed on his Theatre classmates. 

“I’ve never bought a single piece of designer clothing in my life,” Dan told him after Phil teased him about the godawful potato sack jumper which had apparently been made by Kanye himself. 

Phil didn’t really believe him, but he let the matter go. Who was he to tell Dan not to be himself? Besides, Dan _rocked_ his style and he knew it. 

Now, they were laying in Dan’s room in the dark. They were both on the floor because Phil felt weird about sleeping in Dan’s bed. and Dan felt weird about letting Phil sleep on the floor. So they compromised and were both sleeping on the floor. There was a bowl of half-eaten popcorn between them and Phil’s face was lit up by his phone screen because Nico was texting him and asking how his mum was doing. Phil told him she was doing okay and it wasn’t _exactly_ a lie because Dan was wearing a shirt that said ‘Sewing Mum’ which made him just as good as Phil’s mother. 

“This is the part of the sleepover where we talk about our deepest darkest secrets with each other,” Dan whispered after about twenty minutes of silence. He set his phone down, locking the screen, and turned over so he was facing Phil. The room was dark so Phil couldn’t see his face, but he was sure Dan was looking straight at him. “Tell me your secrets, Phil.”

Phil snorted and sent his good night message to Nico, putting his phone on do not disturb. “What exactly am I supposed to tell you? Who my first kiss was? If I’ve ever gone past third base?”

“I mean, those are great places to start. I’d like to hear about little awkward Philly fumbling through his first times. Sounds mortifying.”

Phil hummed and turned on his back, settling his hands on his belly. He closed his eyes, finding it much easier to remember when he didn’t have to worry about looking at another person. “My first kiss was Miranda Carsen. I was fourteen and we were at a birthday party. We played spin the bottle and she pretty much shoved her tongue down my throat.” Phil chuckled at the memory, smiling. “For a while, I thought I didn’t like kissing before I realised she was just a bad kisser.”

“Just as horrifying as I imagined,” Dan sighed dreamily. “I dig it.”

“Well what about you then? When was your first kiss?”

Dan grew quiet for a second, and then he let out the loudest groan he could muster. Phil raised his eyebrows but stayed quiet so he could explain. “Bryce Harper when I was sixteen.” Phil’s mouth immediately dropped open and he emitted a noise of surprise. Dan was gay? Or bi? Since _when_? And why the Hell had Phil never known this? “Bryce was my bully for a few years and would always tease me for being a faggot, even though I was positive I wasn’t gay back then. Once, he said some really hurtful things and I got really upset and started crying and ran away. He chased me down and, long story short, he ended up kissing me. I kind of liked it, which is how I found out I liked boys much more than I liked girls. But I was freaked out because my bully was _kissing_ me, and I pushed him away. He never bothered me again after that, and that was that.” 

Phil couldn’t speak for a moment. There was a lot of information that Dan had entrusted in Phil in only a short monologue. First of all, the knowledge that Dan was LGBT+ was making his head spin. Suddenly, he remembered all of those moments where Phil hadn’t been quite sure if he was flirting or not. Now, it made him wonder if Dan _had_ beenflirting. But knowing his personality, that could also be the way Dan just was. Secondly, Dan was bullied. Bullying was something Phil had sadly dealt with all throughout high school as well, so this was something that made them alike as well. And lastly, Dan’s bully had actually _kissed_ him. And Dan had _liked it._

That knowledge was almost too much for Phil to handle, so he ended up letting out a breathy laugh instead. 

“That must have been so confusing for you,” Phil told him, turning on his side to face Dan. He tried to squint his eyes to see what Dan’s expression was, but he couldn’t make it out. “One moment, this guy is chronically bullying you and calling you names, and the next he’s trying to kiss you and be nice to you. I can’t imagine how confusing that’d be.” 

Dan hummed. “Pretty confusing,” he said softly, in a voice that made Phil want to reach out and grab his hand. Not because he wanted to do anything weird, but because he wanted to offer his support. He didn’t though, because he had a boyfriend and holding other men’s hands was disrespectful. “That was a pretty rough time in my life,” Dan admitted after a moment of thought. “I had been in denial over my sexuality because I was being bullied about it, only to have everything come crashing down over me when I realised I liked it when my own bully kissed me. I thought I was sick, a masochist. Who the fuck likes it when the person who’s been torturing them for _years_ suddenly shows some affection?” 

Phil stayed silent during Dan’s rant, but he spoke up when Dan’s breathing turned heavy and he stopped talking. “You’re not sick, Dan,” he promised him. “You were just confused. That had to have been a hard thing to go through, and it’s not your fault.” 

“I know that now,” Dan replied, and then there was a hand on Phil’s, one that was so gentle that Phil barely felt it at first. He was sure he should pull away, but Dan didn’t entwine their fingers, didn’t show that he was trying to come onto Phil in the slightest. He was just holding onto his hand as if he were seeking comfort, and Phil decided he could make an exception just this once. “I had some friends to help me through it and my mum was wonderful. I think the experience helped me be the person that I am today, so I don’t regret it anymore.”

The admittance made Phil’s heart constrict. He couldn’t imagine how strong Dan must have to be to get through something like that, to be able to look at himself in the past and be _proud_ of what he’d accomplished instead of wallowing in shame. Phil squeezed his hand lightly. “I like who you are today,” Phil told him earnestly. 

Even though it was dark, Phil could tell Dan was grinning when he said, “I do too.” And then a smaller, more quiet, “I like you too.” 

They fell asleep a few hours later, after Phil’s throat had gone sore from laughing so hard. He hadn’t had a friend like this in a very long time, where they complimented each other so well to the point where they were giggling about absolutely nothing for thirty minutes straight. They could go from serious discussion one moment, to completely joking the next, and yet it flowed together easily.

Phil knew that he was the luckiest person in the world to have Dan as a friend.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends! Thanks for reading another chapter of SP! I'm really loving all of the comments you guys are leaving for me :) this chapter includes some yelling and general angst. There is also brief descriptions of past abuse. Thank you to snowbunnylester and littlelionsloves for being the best betas ever! The lyric at the beginning belongs to the song, The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot by Brand New!

_You are second-hand smoke. You are so fragile and thin, standing trial for your sins, holding on to yourself the best you can_.

-

**Dan Howell - 2:39pm**

**__** _Are u working tonight? I wanna come in and see you if you are_

**Phil Lester - 2:40pm**

**__** _Work at 5. What’s the special occasion?_

**Dan Howell - 2:40pm**

**__** _Miss my BFFL and also need to study for exam_

**Phil Lester - 2:45pm**

**__** _You just use me for my serving skills_

**Dan Howell - 2:46pm**

**__** _Damn u rite. See you tonight :-)_

Phil smiled at his phone despite himself. He couldn’t deny that texting Dan always seemed to make him smile, especially because the banter between them was so easy. It was like a breath of fresh air after living underground for twenty years. 

He went to type out a response, maybe put a few smiley face emojis and a flexing arm emoji or something stupid like that, but Nico interrupted him before he could do so. 

“Who are you texting that’s more important than spending time with me?” Phil’s boyfriend whined, pausing the show they were watching so he could turn to look at Phil with a pout. 

He was right, in Phil’s opinion. Was Dan really more important in this moment? Phil didn’t really think about it before replying to his messages each time he received one, even though he and Nico were literally in the middle of some quality time together. They were even _watching_ something. How rude could Phil get?

“Ah, sorry,” Phil apologised, setting his phone on the coffee table. “Nobody’s more important than you, love. I was just messaging my friend about work tonight.” His phone vibrated again and Dan’s name flashed across the screen, making Phil wince a bit as Nico read his name out. 

“Dan? Who’s Dan?” Nico asked, frowning. He didn’t seem mad, really. More confused than anything. “I’ve never heard you talk about him before.”

Phil bit his lip to keep in the fact that he had actually been hanging out with Dan behind Nico’s back for about a month now. And yet, “He’s a new friend.” Phil couldn’t keep the lie from slipping past his tongue. It seemed that Dan brought the liar out in Phil, and he wasn’t exactly happy about it. “We’ve never hung out or anything.”

“Well that’s lame. What do you even have to talk about in that case?”

That was a bit of a weird question, and Phil didn’t quite know how to answer it. Gravity Falls was still paused on the television, and Phil longed to press play on the remote except Nico had the remote clenched in his hand, knuckles turning white. “This and that,” Phil said, shrugging. “We don’t really… talk that much.”

Nico let out a whine and pecked Phil on the forehead. He could most likely feel the thin layer of sweat that had appeared on Phil’s skin, but he didn’t say anything about it. “You hesitated! Why would you hesitate if you don’t talk to him much?”

“I _didn’t!_ ”

“Prove it then,” Nico told him, a slight smirk on his face. Phil felt his stomach sink and bile rise in his throat. If Nico saw how much Phil actually texted Dan… he’d know that he was lying. “Show me.”

Phil didn’t know what to do. He wanted to snatch his phone off the table and hide it where Nico could never find it. For some reason, he didn’t want Nico to find out about his new friend. He just wanted Dan all to himself for a while. “Why should I do that? Don’t you trust me?” The words were bitter in his mouth, bile rising in his throat. The idea of Nico not trusting him made him feel sick to his stomach, despite the fact that Phil was outright _lying_. 

Nico snorted and shook his head, a frown playing on his lips. His eyebrows furrowed. “Of course I do. But I just don’t see why it’s such a big deal. If you didn’t have anything to hide, you wouldn’t be afraid to show me your texts.”

“I’m not afraid,” Phil muttered between clenched teeth. 

Nico let out a laugh that sounded more like a bark. “Yeah, okay. I don’t believe that.”

A burst of anger surged through Phil, one that was so intense that it nearly knocked him backwards. He snatched his phone from the table and nearly threw it at Nico, disbelief that this was even an _issue_ running through his veins. “Fine,” he snapped, leaning back and folding his arms across his chest. “Read them. I’m not fucking hiding anything.” And yet, his whole body was tense with the knowledge that Nico was going to read his texts, know that he was texting Dan. He didn’t want Nico to know just how much he’d been texting Dan, nor how much time he’d been _spending_ with him. If Nico found out that he’d lied to him just to spend the weekend with Dan, then Nico would never believe him if he told him that he wasn’t cheating on him. 

He was going to be sick. 

Nico made a whooping noise, smirking as he picked up the phone. Just that smirk was enough to make Phil feel even worse, though he didn’t know that was possible. It made him uneasy, like he was anticipating the moment where that happy facade would crack the moment Dan found the texts on his phone. Nico hummed as he unlocked it, and Phil didn’t have to look over at him to know that he was clicking on the message bubble, seeing a new message from Dan that Phil hadn’t even seen yet, too many messages for two people who rarely spoke, too familiar for two people who had nothing in common. A moment after Nico unlocked his phone, he spoke. “Who’s Dan?” he asked in a dangerously quiet voice that made it hard for Phil to breathe. 

Phil shook his head. “Just a classmate,” he muttered. 

“I thought Dan was your regular?” 

Phil froze. His stomach held angry wasps that wanted to break free, and his hands broke out in a clammy sweat. The panic took over for a moment before he just felt _angry_. He wanted to snap at Nico, ask him why he’d asked if he already knew the answer, but he didn’t. That’d only make things worse than they were. “He is. But he’s in one of my classes as well,” Phil lied. 

Nico hummed and continued to read. His face was expressionless, so Phil couldn’t read it at all. For that, he was both thankful and nervous. Was Nico mad? Was he _pissed_? He wanted to know what he was thinking. “Sounds like you guys are close,” Nico said coolly. 

Phil shrugged. “We just recently started texting. I wouldn’t say we’re close yet.” Another lie because Phil just couldn’t help himself. He just wanted him and Nico to go back to being happy already. 

“Right,” Nico said, and he didn’t sound like he believed Phil at all. “Which is why you’re promising another guy to see him at work, calling him your BFFL, and talking about his ‘thicc ass’, as he put it. Why didn’t you tell me about him?” 

_Because you know him and you hate him_ , Phil wanted to scream, but he kept it inside, biting his tongue instead. He took a deep breath through his nose to calm himself, exhaling through his mouth. He didn’t like the way Nico’s eyebrows were furrowed, making him look angry as he stared at Phil’s phone. It made Phil fear that he was going to lose him. 

“He’s just not an important part of my life yet so I didn’t think it mattered too much.” 

Nico scoffed, giving Phil an icy stare. “Don’t lie to me. Are you cheating on me, sweet pea?” 

The use of the nickname in this situation made Phil’s stomach churn. The endearment wasn’t supposed to make him feel _bad_ about himself. It was supposed to make him feel _good_. Why did Nico have to use his nickname now, of all times? 

Phil shook his head erratically, feeling angry tears welling up in his eyes. He didn’t know why he was crying, honestly. It wasn’t like he was cheating at all. But then again, maybe he was just feeling guilty that he’d been lying to Nico all this time. “Of course not! I’ve told you, Nico. You’re the only one for me.” 

“Then what the hell is _this_?!” Nico asked, his voice raising. His face was turning a bit red with anger, his eyebrows furrowed. He waved the phone, gesturing to it angrily. “You’re sitting here talking to another guy while you’re with me. Telling him that you’ll see him at work and being all sweet with him. Right in front of me! What kind of boyfriend _does_ that?” Before Phil could guess what was about to happen, Nico threw Phil’s phone across the room. Phil watched helplessly as it slammed into the wall, and he could have sworn he heard a crack as the glass broke, but he wasn’t positive because there was a roaring in his ears that made it too hard to hear. 

If Phil could be described as a bubble, he reckoned he would have popped by now. All of his emotions were suddenly charging at him tenfold, all of his frustrations, all of his _guilt_. He knew that he shouldn’t have lied to Nico, knew that he had been a horrible boyfriend, but to have Nico in front of him _telling_ him how horrible he was… Phil wasn’t able to handle it at all. 

The only thing he ever wanted was for Nico to be happy with him. They had so much in common that it was insane. They read books together, played video games together, did _everything_ together. Nico was the only person who’d ever made Phil feel like he was _worth_ something, and Phil had gone and torn it all down with his own two hands. He couldn’t believe that he would self destruct his own relationship, and yet here he was watching as it all came down around him. 

“I- I’m sorry,” Phil stuttered, and just like that, the dam broke. His voice wavered and his chest went tight, his hands started to shake, and then, before he could tell himself to suck it up and knock it off before Nico got even more mad, tears began to fall from his eyes, staining his cheeks. He always hated crying because he thought he was an ugly crier, but he couldn’t stop himself even if he tried. “I didn’t really think about it. Dan had just asked if I was working tonight, and I answered before thinking about how you felt.” He gulped, and wiped away his tears. “I promise I’m not cheating though. I would _never_.”

Nico exhaled, and he seemed to deflate along with his lungs. He settled beside Phil, relaxed a bit against the couch. He reached out and grabbed Phil’s clammy hand. “Just don’t hide this shit from me next time, yeah? You know I don’t like sharing you. I don’t want anyone else to have you.” 

“Nobody else has me but you, Nico,” Phil whimpered, and the tears seemed to flow faster now because Nico had told him not to hide anything, and he was still hiding stuff from him. He wanted to talk about it, but he knew he couldn’t because it would only make Nico even angrier, and he didn’t want that. “I only love you. No one else.” 

“I love you too, sweet pea,” Nico sighed. “The thought of losing you just makes me… really upset, to be honest. I never want you to leave me.” 

Phil could understand that. He felt the same way. 

“I’m sorry if I broke your phone. I’ll buy you a new screen and I’ll buy you dinner too. Anything to make you stop crying.” 

The words only made Phil cry harder, which was dumb because Nico was right beside him and he wasn’t leaving him and everything was okay. 

Except it wasn’t, because Phil was a liar and a cheat and Nico was too good for him. Still, Phil was selfish. He didn’t want to let Nico go. He _wouldn’t_ , no matter what it took. So he didn't. He didn't own up to everything else he was lying about, he didn't argue about the new phone screen or dinner. He just let Nico hold him, and comfort him, all while the guilt continued to build up inside of him because Phil was a goddamn liar.

By four o’clock, Phil was nestled into Nico’s side, his tears having run dry. He had work in an hour but his eyes were almost swollen shut from crying so hard, and he knew that he would not be able to go into work that night. 

So with shaking fingers and a scratchy voice, he called up his manager to call out. Thankfully, he sounded sick enough that she didn’t ask too many questions, but he still felt bad that he was calling in just because he was being a crybaby. 

He didn’t inform Dan that he wasn’t coming to work that night. At that point, he didn’t think it really mattered anyway.

-

 **Dan Howell - 6:59pm**

_You said you were gonna be at work tonight but i just got here and they said you called off :-( are you okay?????_

**Dan Howell - 7:26pm**

_Phil pls let me know if ur ok i am concerned_

**Dan Howell - 7:45pm**

**__** _Did I do something wrong?_

**Phil Lester - 9:13pm**

**__** _Im okay, just got a bit sick. Sorry for worrying you, ill see you tomorrow_

_-_

“You seem upset lately,” Phil murmured, curled against Nico’s side. His chin was resting against Nico’s chest and Nico was running his hands through his hair. They hadn’t said anything for thirty minutes, the silence thick in the air. Phil’s tears had dried on his cheeks, making him feel a bit grimey and like he needed a shower, but he didn’t move. He enjoyed the feel of Nico pressed against him. 

Nico hummed and kissed his forehead. It sounded as if he was asking Phil to explain why, so he did just that. 

“It’s just… You’ve been tense with me, I suppose? Like, accusing me of cheating and then getting mad at me and throwing my phone? I guess I’m just wondering if I did anything to make you so upset with me, because I really don’t like fighting with you and I want us to be able to trust each other.” Phil took a deep breath and grabbed Nico’s other hand, which was curled around his waist. He entwined their fingers together, loving how well they fit together. He never wanted to lose this. “I love you, Nicky. I just want us to be able to talk to each other about things.”

His boyfriend was quiet for a moment, nuzzling his nose into Phil’s hair and inhaling like he was trying to memorise what Phil smelled like. It was endearing, but tickled the top of Phil’s head. After a moment of that, Nico let out a breath and sat them up slightly so he could lean against the headboard of his bed, cradling Phil to his chest. The position let Phil curl into him better, so he had no qualms against this. 

“Admittedly, I have been a bit upset lately,” Nico told him in a soft voice, one that was almost embarrassed. “I’ve been thinking about a lot of things and it’s been making me really agitated.”

Phil perked up a bit, his heart pounding just a tad faster. Nico wasn’t usually one to talk about his feelings like this, so Phil was a bit surprised that he was getting him to open up so easily. Usually, whenever he asked Nico to talk about things with him, Nico always said that everything was okay and put on a smile just for show. Obviously, now was not one of those times. “What about?” Phil asked, kissing Nico’s chest lightly. 

He felt Nico shiver under his touch and squeeze him a bit tighter. “Just…” a pause. A deep breath. “It’s my father,” he admitted. 

“Your father?” Phil asked, surprised. Nico never really talked about his family. He’d mentioned only a few things to Phil: they’d moved to England because his mum had gotten a job here, he had one brother named Ezra, and his mother’s name was Yvette. That was all Phil knew about his family. 

Nico nodded, and from the way Phil’s head was resting against his chest, he could hear Nico’s heart start to beat slightly faster. “He was arrested when I was younger, and my mum called me a few weeks ago to tell me that he was being released in May.” 

Phil’s heart started to race in time with Nico’s, wondering what in the hell Nico’s father could have done to not only land him in jail, but also to make Nico stress about the fact that he was getting out. 

“What… what happened?” 

If it was something Nico didn’t want to talk about, he didn’t show it. Instead, he immediately opened up to Phil, holding him close as if Phil was his own personal teddy bear. Perhaps he needed someone to be there for him after all this time alone. Perhaps Phil would finally be the one to pick him up now. 

“I don’t remember much about my father. The only good thing about him that I can recall is how he used to take me to get vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles every Sunday after church. He always played piano music in the car, and it used to relax me a lot. But now, every time I hear someone playing the piano, it just makes me want to throw up.” Phil made sure to stay absolutely silent, even when Nico pressed another kiss to the top of his head. He was being overly affectionate, but Phil was okay with that. 

It was probably to hide the pain buried deep inside of him.

“My dad was not a nice man, but I live in constant fear that I’m going to turn out just like him. He used to… used to _hit_ my mom. A lot. He yelled crazy things at her, told her she was a whore, that she deserved to be hit, that she would be better off dead.” Nico swallowed and took another breath. It seemed as if this was hard for him to say because he kept having to pause, and his voice was wavering as he spoke. Phil just held him tighter and vowed to himself that he would never let Nico go. “Sometimes he would duct tape mine and Ezra’s hands together and force us to watch. Sometimes, he would tie my mom up and force her to watch as he hit _us_. We were living in constant fear of what he would do next.”

Phil felt all of the air leave his body then, as if he’d been punched in the stomach. He turned his head to look at Nico and saw tears shining in those bright green eyes he loved so much. “I’m so sorry, Nicky,” Phil whispered, reaching up and wiping those tears away. He had never seen Nico cry before, and it made him feel as if the ground had been flipped over, turned upside down. “You didn’t deserve to go through that.”

Nico pressed his lips together and shook his head, furrowing his eyebrows. He nuzzled into Phil’s hand, breathing in a sigh. He paused for a moment, closing his eyes, taking a moment to himself before he went on with his story.

“He ended up being arrested because he molested another woman, and I was so _angry_. At him, at my mom, at the woman, at the police. I just wanted everyone to die. I couldn’t believe he would leave us, you know? That he would do that to mom, to _us_. The only thing I had been able to feel for a long time was anger, and then hurt. It made me fear that the people most important to me were going to leave me, or that they would find someone better than me. That’s why… that’s why I’m so jealous, I reckon.” Nico groaned, closing his eyes. A tear slid down his cheek and landed on his collarbone, and Phil wiped it off. “I don’t _mean_ to be, it just happens. And then I get so angry because I think about my dad and how he did all that stuff to us, and it just makes me feel like shit, you know?” 

“I can understand that,” Phil murmured, smiling softly at his boyfriend, even though Nico’s eyes were still closed. He was breathing heavily, as if there was a huge weight on his chest, and Phil urged him to continue talking. 

Even though Phil didn’t think he was going to, he kept talking. 

Words spewed out of Nico’s mouth like vomit, until he was telling Phil about all of his secrets and fears. About how he lived in constant fear of how he might turn out to be just like his father. He showed Phil the scars on his arms, ones that were scattered across his shoulders, ones he’d inflicted upon himself over the years because he’d been unable to feel anything other than a numbness in his chest for years and years. He told Phil that he still hadn’t felt anything when he met Phil, how he was depressed and empty and about to give up all hope. 

And then he talked about how _Phil_ had given him hope, how he’d made Nico feel things that he hadn’t felt in a long time. He told Phil about how, for the first time in his life, he’d been able to love freely and with a newfound lightness in his chest that he’d never felt before. 

When he was done talking, he had tears dripping down his face, and he seemed so vulnerable that Phil climbed into his lap and held him. He held him until Nico’s tears had dried up, until his soft hiccups had disappeared, until his breathing was even and he was littering kisses against Phil’s skin, whispering ‘ _thank you for listening to me_ ’ and ‘ _i’ve never told anybody that before_ ’ over and over again, like a mantra.

Phil smiled and tilted Nico’s face up so he could give him a soft kiss on the lips, his chest warm with the knowledge that Nico had some of his own demons to get past and that he was entrusting Phil with his whole heart as well. “Thank you for telling me,” Phil whispered against his lips. “You’re such a strong person, and I know you can get through this. But I’ll be with you every step of the way.” 

Nico returned Phil’s smile, albeit a bit watery. “I’m glad I fell in love with you,” Nico told him. “You’re my sweet pea.” 

“I’ll love you forever,” Phil promised him. And he fully intended to keep that promise.

-

Phil hadn’t been expecting company. 

He’d just gotten home from Dan’s house and was absolutely knackered because they’d decided to make cookies, which had ended in a wild flour fight. Nico had texted him about an hour ago saying he wasn’t able to come over because Ledjon needed his help with something or other. 

So Phil wasn’t expecting anybody.

Then why was somebody suddenly knocking on Phil’s door? He almost hadn’t heard it because he’d just gotten out of the shower. A towel was wrapped around his waist, another around his shoulders, and water was dripping from his hair to the floor. It was the worst possible time for company, but whoever was at the door did not give a single fuck.

“Just a second!” Phil called when the knocking came again, and he hurried himself by throwing on a pair of old high school gym shorts and his university jumper. Before he knew it, he was opening the door, and his eyebrows raised in surprise. “Nico!” he exclaimed, throwing himself at his boyfriend and kissing him on the lips. “What are you doing here?”

Nico laughed and kissed him back. When he pulled away, he presented Phil with some items that he hadn’t noticed he was holding. “It’s our six month anniversary and I couldn’t just pass up the occasion! I have to spoil my favourite person, you know.” 

Phil blushed as he took the bundle of sweet peas, the box of chocolates, and the last gift, which was a tiny wrapped box. “I feel horrible,” Phil whined, but he was grinning so wide that his face 

felt like it was going to split. “I didn’t get you anything!”

Nico laughed and walked into Phil’s apartment, shutting the door behind him. He pecked Phil on the cheek, making the already rosy skin a darker shade of red. “You think I care about that?” he teased, gesturing to his presents. “Some chocolates, a surprise, and of course, some sweet peas for my sweet pea. After you’ve been putting up with my needy ass for months, I think you deserve it, don’t you?”

Laughing, Phil shook his head. He walked over to his kitchen table so he could set the gifts down and grab a vase for his sweet peas. “It’s not a chore to be your boyfriend, you know,” Phil informed Nico, who made a noncommittal noise in the back of his throat. He got the vase from the cabinet above his sink and filled it with water before putting the flowers in them. When he was finished, he set them on the table, beaming. “Beautiful, don’t you think?”

“Almost as beautiful as you,” Nico sang. He came up behind Phil and wrapped his arms around his waist, putting his chin on his shoulder. “Open your present, love,” he whispered in Phil’s ear, making the hair on the back of Phil’s neck raise. 

Phil giggled because he just couldn’t help himself, and picked up the little box. It was wrapped in bright pink wrapping paper, which made Phil coo. Slowly, Phil started to peel the paper back, holding his breath. When he was finished unwrapping it, he threw the paper in the trash and gazed at the little black box in his hand. With an excited nudge from Nico, he opened it, only to lose his breath. 

“Holy,” he whispered, cutting himself off to swallow. It felt as though there was cotton wool stuck in his throat, like he needed to dislodge it but couldn’t. With shaking fingers, he pulled the locket out of the box and held it up. “This… this is gorgeous, Nico.”

And it was. The locket was one that looked like a book. On the cover, Nico had their names engraved in elegant script to make it seem as though they had a novel written about them. When Phil opened the book up, he found that Nico had put a picture of himself on one side and a picture of Phil on the other. It was something that Phil had never expected, but something he would be wearing every day from now on, something that made his heart ache with such a large amount of love that he felt as if it was going to overcome him. 

Nico kissed the back of his neck, nuzzling his nose against his skin. “Do you like it?” 

“I… I _love_ it,” Phil murmured, twisting around in Nico’s arms so he could kiss him sweetly. Nico’s lips were soft and pliant against his own and he kissed Phil in such a way that made his head spin. 

When they pulled away, Phil smiled as Nico put the necklace on him, his fingers brushing against his neck as he clasped the chain. 

“There,” Nico said lightly, kissing Phil’s nose. “Now you can have me with you wherever you go. You’ll never be alone again, because I’ll always be watching over you.” 

For a second, the words sent a thrill of terror and desire through Phil, an emotion he didn’t understand. Wasn’t that everything Phil had ever wanted? Yes, yes of course it was. Slowly, a smile started to work its way onto Phil’s features. 

“I wouldn’t have it any other way,” Phil admitted, knowing full well that he meant it. He would rather die than give Nico up at this point, even if that was a bit dramatic. It was just that nobody had ever made him feel so _loved_ , so _whole_ , and he would be an idiot if he ever let that go. “Happy anniversary. I’m sure we’ll have many more where that came from.” Nico nodded and his green eyes shown in the light of Phil’s apartment. “That we will, sweet pea, that we will”

Phil wasn’t sure why the words sounded like a threat, when he knew them to be nothing less than a promise… and yet they did. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends! SURPRISE UPDATE! I'm not gonna be home tomorrow so I decided to upload today instead! As you can see from the chapters, I have officially mapped out the rest of Sweet Pea and it is going to be 33 chapters long! This IS subject to change, just in case a chapter gets too long that I have to split it in half, but I'm just excited to know the estimated count now! This is gonna be a wild ride since I'm currently finishing up writing chapter 17! Anyways, the song at the beginning is Degausser by Brand New. Thanks to snowbunnylester and littlelionsloves for editing this! Love you all!

_Take me back to your bed. I love you so much that it hurts my head. I don't mind you under my skin. I'll let the bad parts in_.

-

When Nico first told Phil that he wanted Phil to come to his mum’s house with him, Phil was beyond excited. He hadn’t really spoken to Nico’s mum before, other than those few times she’d called while Phil was with him, and he was excited to finally meet the woman who’d raised the man of his affections. 

It was a two hour long train ride, and Phil ended up falling asleep, his head against Nico’s shoulder and his hair in his face. Nico let him sleep, opting to listen to music the entire ride there. 

He woke Phil when they came to their stop, holding his hand as they walked through the crowd together. Phil was tired, rubbing at his groggy eyes and cringing because he’d fallen asleep with his contacts in and that was never comfortable. 

They called a cab from the train station, and it was another thirty minutes before they finally arrived at the house. When they pulled up, Phil could hardly contain his nervousness, a ball of angry bees beginning to swirl around in his stomach. Phil tightened his grip on Nico’s arm and Nico kissed him on the cheek, murmuring that they should start to head inside. 

The house wasn’t giant or anything. It had a pretty garden out front with a rosebush by the front door. It was made out of white brick and had blue window shutters. The curtains were open, and Phil could see movement on the inside. There was a doormat with paw prints that said “wipe your paws!” and a decoration of a black and white cat hanging from the door. 

“Oh no,” Phil said. Nico paused, giving him a questioning look. “Is your mum a crazy cat lady? I’m allergic to cats.”

Nico chuckled and nodded, beginning to tug Phil inside again. “She is, but don’t worry, we have some allergy medication if you need it. We only have one cat right now, and I’m sure you’ll love him.” 

Phil hesitated a moment at the words. He didn’t think Nico quite understood just how bad his allergy could get, but he let it go anyway. Nico didn’t wait for Phil’s reply to drop Phil’s hand and push the front door open. 

Almost immediately, a woman was flinging herself at Nico, and Phil laughed in surprise as she hugged the life out of him. Nico made a choking noise and whined, pushing her away. “Mom! You’re suffocating me!” he exclaimed, but he was smiling as wide as the woman was, looking at her with such love that Phil was almost jealous for a moment. 

“Sorry, sorry,” she apologised, turning to Phil with an equally as large smile. She held her hand out and Phil took it, shaking it delicately. 

He couldn’t help but notice how similar Nico looked to his mum. They both had the dark curly hair and the green eyes. The only difference was that she didn’t have the freckles that Phil loved so much. “I assume you’re Phil. It’s so nice to finally meet you! I’m Nico’s mom, Yvette.”

“Nice to meet you, too, Yvette,” Phil murmured, smiling brightly. He noticed the way that her eyes flit back and forth between Nico and himself, a question in her eyes. Phil knew what she was wondering; if they were a thing, if they were dating. He started to smile, preparing himself mentally for Nico to introduce him as his boyfriend. 

However, Nico didn’t mention anything about them dating. In fact, he followed up their introduction with an explanation that Phil was ‘just a friend’. Phil wouldn’t say the words, couldn’t, not until Nico told her himself, although he couldn’t help but feel the disappointment run rampant through his stomach.

Her eyes lingered on him for a moment longer until Nico dragged Phil away, introducing him to his little brother, Ezra. Again, he introduced Phil as his friend, and Phil just nodded and smiled and didn’t say anything because it wasn’t his place to say it. Still, he couldn’t help thinking - hadn’t Nico said he’d wanted Phil to meet his mum?

Ezra was a nice boy, only ten years old and overly hyper. He immediately took a liking to Phil, grabbing his hand and showing him around his room in an excited stupor. He showed Phil his Overwatch shrine and ranted about it for ten minutes, then proceeded to drag Phil all throughout the house, talking nonstop about what his favourite things were. It was endearing, and Phil didn’t have the heart to tell him to quit it. Besides, he liked Ezra anyways, liked the excitement that bounced off him in waves, how he was so optimistic about meeting a new friend.

Nico was quiet beside them. He smiled when Phil looked at him, but he otherwise didn’t say a word. He didn’t touch Phil, hardly even glanced at him. He was staring at his phone and texting, ignoring Phil’s questioning gaze. Wasn’t he happy that Phil was getting along with his family so well? And who was so important that he couldn’t stop texting them right then? 

“-And this is our swimming pool!” Ezra concluded, throwing open the back door and ushering Phil outside. 

Phil saw Nico tense out of the corner of his eye, but he ignored it in favour of gasping at the sight. “Wow, that’s one awesome pool!” Phil exclaimed. 

Truth be told, it wasn’t anything special. It was an above-ground pool that was disguised by the porch. A few pool noodles floated in it as if they were waiting to be played with. But he’d said it was a big deal because he knew that’s what Ezra wanted to hear.

“Wanna go swimming with me?” Ezra asked suddenly, yanking on Phil’s hand. There was such excitement in his eyes that Phil just couldn’t resist. He opened his mouth to say yes when Nico’s voice stopped him.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Nico said. There was a tone to his voice that Phil didn’t quite understand, something dark, something stiff. It was a tone that screamed that he didn’t want Phil to go swimming no matter what it took.

Ezra scoffed and glared at his brother, crossing his arms over his chest. “You always ruin the fun, Nico. Why isn’t it a good idea? I’m sure mom would want our guest to swim.”

“He doesn’t even have a swimsuit, Ezra. What’s he going to do, swim naked?”

“Nico, you’re aware that he could wear some of dad’s swim shorts, right?” A voice asked from behind them. 

The three twirled around to find Yvette smiling fondly at them. She gestured Phil over to her, and Phil had no option but to oblige. “Let’s find you some, okay? That way you boys can have a little bit of fun.”

Phil glanced at Nico and winced. His eyes were dark and brooding, and his jaw was tight, telling him to say no. 

Phil didn’t know why it was such a big deal, but he knew that Nico didn’t like it when Phil showed off his body. He belonged to Nico, after all, and nobody else was supposed to look at him. “No, no. That’s okay, you really don’t have to-”

“Oh, don’t be silly, hun. Just follow me.” 

Yvette led Phil inside, and Phil didn’t dare look at Nico again. He was shook to his core, his hands beginning to shake and sweat beginning to pool on his skin. He didn’t want Nico to be mad at him. The last time Phil went around showing his body off, Nico had torn his favourite shirt. He didn’t want a repeat of that. Besides, he didn’t want to make Nico feel jealous. He knew how much that upset him.

But he couldn’t very well just refuse the hospitality of Nico’s mum. He was her guest, after all, so he had to do what she wanted of him. 

He didn’t complain as she found him a pair of swim trunks. He didn’t complain as she shoved him into the bathroom to get changed. He didn’t complain as he stared at the material in his hands, bunching it between his fists and contemplating what the hell he should do. He knew that Nico would be unhappy with him if he put the swimsuit on, and that’s definitely not something he wanted. But on the other hand, he knew that Yvette and Ezra were really looking forward to spending some time with him. It was a lose-lose situation, and he could feel himself begin to shake with the weight of the decision, completely unsure of what to do.

A knock on the door made him realise that he’d been in the bathroom for five minutes just thinking, and he jumped. “Sorry, sorry, give me a sec,” he mumbled, finally unbuttoning his jeans to replace them with the shorts. He debated for a moment, looking at himself in the mirror, before deciding he should just leave his shirt on. 

When he emerged from the restroom, nobody was around, so he made his way back towards the porch as slowly as he possibly could. He was dreading what Nico might say to him, dreading what was going to happen. 

He couldn’t help but wish that he hadn’t come today at all. Nothing had gone right, and Nico hadn’t even introduced him as his boyfriend. What was even the point?

Ezra and Yvette were already in the pool when he finally got out there, and Yvette gave him a weird look when he stepped onto the patio. Phil could only assume it was because he was still wearing his shirt. She didn’t say anything about it though, which Phil was grateful about. He didn’t know what he’d say if she called him out for it. Instead Yvette just said, “Hop in, the water’s really nice today!”

Phil glanced around, looking for Nico, and found him lounging on a chair. He didn’t glance at Phil, didn’t acknowledge his presence at all. Instead, his nose was buried in a book, one with a plain green cover that Phil couldn’t read from where he was standing. 

In Nico’s other hand, he held his phone, and his gaze was drifting from the book to his phone and back again. 

“I, uh. Let me see what Nico’s up to,” Phil said apologetically. He started walking over to where his boyfriend was sitting, stepping carefully over the puddles of water because he hadn’t taken off his socks yet and he didn’t want to get them wet. His eyes stayed trained on Nico, begging him to look at him, to acknowledge his presence, but he didn’t. He didn’t even look at him. 

Phil barely had time to understand what was going on before something - some _one_ \- was grabbing his ankle. In what seemed like slow motion, he was tripping, falling over the edge of the pool, still in his shirt and socks. Ezra was laughing so loud that it was almost as if he was screeching, and Phil’s eyes were bleary as he emerged from the water, coughing. There was water in his throat and water in his eyes, burning because he still had his contact lenses in.

“Ezra, be nice,” Yvette admonished, but she was smiling so fondly that Phil didn’t think she actually minded at all. 

Phil rubbed at his eyes, trying to get the water out of them, and glanced back up to where Nico had been sitting, only to find that he was nowhere in sight. His heart sank to his knees and he bit his lip so harshly that he could taste blood. 

He couldn’t help but feel as if he’d betrayed Nico, even though he knew it wasn’t his fault for being dragged into the water. He just didn’t know why he was even _contemplating_ spending time with Nico’s family, when he came here specifically to spend time with Nico himself. He invited Phil over and Phil couldn’t just ditch him so cold-heartedly. 

“I really should go find Nico,” he stuttered out, starting to swim towards the ladder. 

He only stopped because there was a hand on his wrist, and he turned to find Ezra staring pleadingly at him. “Can’t you swim with us for just a little bit?”

“I really should-”

This time it was Yvette who intervened. “Come on, let me get to know the boy my son’s in love with.” 

Phil gaped at her in reaction to this, and her smile widened. He could feel the blood rushing to his cheeks, the question on his tongue, but he didn’t even have to ask before she was answering. “I could see how much he loves you from a mile away. It wasn’t that hard to figure out when he looks at you like you put the stars in the sky.” 

Phil could feel himself melting. 

Nico loved him, that much was obvious. His mum knew, Ezra knew, hell _everyone_ probably knew. Nico loved him, and he could suck it up if Phil wanted to swim for ten minutes, especially if his mum just wanted to get to know him. Phil caved, his shoulders sagging. “Yeah. Yeah, okay.” 

So he tried to let go. He tried to have fun. He swam around, had breath holding competitions, and pretended like they were waterbenders from _Avatar_. He pretended as if there wasn’t a rope around his lungs, pulling tighter and tighter with each passing minute until he was sure he was going to suffocate. He pretended as if he weren’t hyperalert for any movement outside of the pool, awaiting the moment when Nico would finally came back. 

He never did, but Phil couldn’t stop watching anyways.

Eventually, it got too much for him. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t stop his hands from shaking. His cheeks hurt from trying to smile, and talking to Ezra and Yvette was no longer helping. 

He excused himself, ignoring the way that Ezra whined after him as he dried himself off. He apologised, and Yvette told him he had nothing to be sorry for and waved him off. As he wrapped the towel around his waist, he heard Yvette hushing Ezra and telling him that Phil had other things to do. A flash of guilt went through him - he knew that Yvette and Ezra had wanted to spend time with him - but he pushed it down, instead trying to focus on figuring out where Nico was hiding.

It took Phil fifteen minutes before he found Nico hiding behind a large tree a few meters outside the front yard. He was reading still, his phone opened to Facebook messenger beside him, the green book open on his lap. There was a pretty white flower in his fingers, and Phil watched with a frown as he tore the petals off one-by-one. 

He didn’t look up as Phil approached him, or when he sat down beside him. “Are you mad?” Phil asked in a small voice. 

Nico didn’t answer. Phil felt his face grow hot. 

“I didn’t want to swim. I tried to tell them no, but they didn’t listen to me. I didn’t have a choice.” 

Silence. A few tears pricked in Phil’s eyes. “Nico, say something.” 

He still didn’t answer, silence resolute and stony, and Phil stopped trying. 

He stared at the sky instead, at the clouds, clenching and unclenching his hands into fists until his hands started to hurt from squeezing them so tight. His lips were raw from biting them, and the air was so thick with tension that Phil could cut it with a knife. 

He didn’t know how long they were sat there for until Yvette came to look for them, telling them that dinner was ready and that they should head in. 

By then, Phil’s clothes were almost dry, and his voice had died in his throat. He couldn’t speak, didn’t know if he even wanted to when Nico was so blatantly ignoring him, so he didn’t reply. Neither did Nico

They went inside. 

Nico was careful not to even brush against Phil as he stood up, careful to keep his eyes straight ahead. His face was passive, showing no emotion, and Phil wanted nothing more than to grab his shoulders and scream apologies at him, scream that he hadn’t meant to go swimming, and that he never would have if he’d known Nico would be so upset with him. 

The problem was, Phil _had_ known, but he’d paid no attention in preference of getting to know Nico’s family. This had all been Phil’s fault. 

Dinner was awkward, to say the least. Yvette kpt trying very hard to make the environment nice and light. Ezra kept ranting about how he’d totally _slayed_ some loser in Call of Duty that afternoon. Nico laughed along to his mother’s comments, and joked with Ezra about how he was infinitely better at video games, but he didn’t look at Phil for over an hour, and Phil could feel his insides breaking, tearing, pulling. A swab of cotton wool was lodged in his throat, making it impossible to make conversation. 

He laughed when prompted, nodded along to stories, but his eyes stayed glued to Nico, waiting, hoping for acknowledgement. An acknowledgement that didn’t come. 

When dinner was finished and Phil had only just managed to force a couple of bites down his throat, Yvette ordered Ezra and Nico to do the dishes. She gave Phil a kind smile and told him to help her pack up the food, standing up and ushering her sons out the door. 

It was silent between them as Phil gathered up the plates and began to put the leftovers into containers. His thoughts had trailed to where Nico was undoubtedly washing the dishes, and he could hear the two boys joking through the wall. 

It really bothered him that Nico refused to talk to him, barely even acknowledging him, but was so readily prepared to kid around with his brother. It was as though Nico was indifferent towards him, like he didn’t give a shit about Phil’s thoughts or feelings, even though he knew that wasn’t quite true. He tried to shake himself off, tell himself that people in relationships fought all the time, but it was hard when he was by himself and he could hear Nico laughing loudly just in the other room.

He nearly jumped out of his skin when Yvette suddenly spoke, her voice so quiet that it would have been almost impossible to hear her in the kitchen. “Does he treat you well?” she asked.

Phil dropped the spoon to the table with a loud clatter. A lump of mashed potatoes splattered on the table. “I- yes,” he stuttered, keeping his eyes downcast as he fumbled with a napkin, trying to clean up the mess he’d made. Nico usually treats him well, so that wasn’t a lie. So why did it _feel_ like a lie?

“Good, I’m glad,” Yvette responded. Phil’s eyes flicked up to meet hers and she smiled once more. She seemed like a lovely person, but Phil couldn’t help but feel slightly uncomfortable. Nico clearly hadn’t wanted to tell his mum about them yet, so he felt guilty talking about their relationship behind his back. “You seem like a sweet boy, Phil. The kind of person any mother would love to see with her son.”

“Thank you.” The words were filled with surprise, confusion. Where was this conversation going?

She cleared her throat and put a hand atop Phil’s where he was still trying to clean up the spilt mashed potatoes. “Don’t let him ruin you, okay? I love my son to death, but I also believe you deserve the best.”

Phil swallowed. What the hell? Why did this feel eerily similar to what Ledjon had told Phil only days before he showed up with a black eye and a story about being hit at school? Why did this feel eerily reminiscent of what Nico had told Phil about his past? Why did it seem like Nico’s mum believed the worst of Nico as well? Why did it seem as if she saw Nico as a carbon copy of his father?

He gently took his hand out from under hers, crinkling the soiled napkin in his palm as a way to distract himself. He gave her as big of a grin as he could muster. “Nico treats me like a prince,” he promised, the words heavy on his tongue. He felt as though he needed to prove her wrong, to show her that Nico was _nothing_ like his father. “I couldn’t ask for anything better.”

“I’m glad to hear that.” 

They didn’t talk about it for the rest of the visit. Instead, they watched a movie that Phil couldn’t pay attention to, and he tried to hold Nico’s hand when no one was looking, but Nico moved so his hands were under his thighs and angled himself away from Phil. 

The rest of the movie was a blur beneath salt water tears and rapidly blinking eyelids. 

They didn’t speak until they were safely back at Nico’s apartment hours later, the moonlight streaming into the window and Phil’s chlorine-stiff shirt replaced by a green jumper and black sweatpants. 

Phil rested his head on Nico’s shoulder, frowning when he felt his boyfriend jerk away from his touch. He gnawed on his lip. He’d been doing that a lot lately. “Are you going to tell me what I did?” Phil asked quietly. 

He didn’t expect Nico to respond, so it took him off guard when he actually did, voice deep and void of emotion. “I told you I didn’t want you to go swimming.”

“I wasn’t planning to. I swear I didn’t want to.”

Nico shrugged. “Doesn’t change the fact that it happened. You could’ve told them no.”

“I’m sorry,” Phil whispered. “I didn’t know you didn’t want me to that badly.” The lie stuck in his throat. He had known, and that was the problem.

“It’s whatever,” Nico replied gruffly. He typed something into his phone, and then set it to the side, staring at the wall with his eyebrows furrowed. “I just don’t like it when my boyfriend runs around looking like a fucking slut.” 

“But I’m _not_.”

Nico scoffed and turned his glare onto Phil. It was the first time he’d looked at Phil since earlier that day, and Phil could feel his gaze burning into him like lava. Phil’s throat constricted and his eyes welled with tears. How could he have done something that had so obviously hurt Nico? What kind of a boyfriend was he? 

“If you had no problem running around and showing your body off so the entire world could see, that makes you a slut, Phil. You’re mine, remember? No one else's. I don’t date sluts.”

Phil made a noise that resembled a whimper in the back of his throat. He wiped his eyes with his sleeve. _Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry_. “I’m sorry,” he said, and his voice cracked pathetically. “I’m yours, Nico. Only yours. I won’t do it again.”

Warm fingers were then on his chin, lifting his head up so he could look into a pair of soft green eyes. For the first time since that morning, Nico smiled at him. “Was that so hard?” Nico whispered. Phil shook his head, earning him a kiss on the forehead. “Good boy. You know I love you more than anything, right?”

Phil nodded, and smiled through teary eyes, which Nico wiped away with his thumbs. He nuzzled his head into Nico’s hands, craving the affection after the cold shoulder he’d been given that entire day. “I love you, too,” Phil breathed. 

Nico kissed him, and it felt like all of the wind was knocked out of him, like it was their first kiss all over again. Phil could feel the softness of Nico’s lips against his, the warmth of Nico’s tongue as it slid over his bottom lip. Phil loved the way Nico tasted like something warm and familiar and safe. 

They made love that night, and Phil was completely pliant underneath Nico, completely at his mercy. He mewled as Nico pressed him into the mattress, as he kissed his neck and sucked marks onto his collarbones to show Phil just how much he belonged to him. Phil couldn’t believe how lucky he’d gotten to have such a wonderful lover, someone who made his insides light up to the point where it hurt to breathe. He couldn’t believe how responsive Nico made him when he did that thing with his tongue and whispered how much Phil meant to him against his skin, how Phil was _all his and nobody elses_. 

And when they were done, Phil’s mind was racing and his body was thrumming with post-orgasmic pleasure. Nico was breathing softly next to him, a gentle lull that was deafening to Phil’s ears. He stared at the ceiling, at the glow in the dark stars stuck there, his mind blissfully blank and his eyes wide. 

He didn’t get to sleep that night, but he didn’t really know why. 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends! Thanks for coming back for another chapter of Sweet Pea! The song at the beginning is called Little Do You Know by Alex & Sierra. Thank you to @littlelionsloves and @snowbunnylester for betaing this for me (:

_Little do you know how I’m breaking as you fall asleep. Little do you know I’m still haunted by the memories_.

-

It’d been a few days since Phil had gone to Nico’s mum’s house, and Phil couldn’t seem to gain any of his energy back. He was a bit lethargic, as if walking through a dream, and he found it a bit hard to smile as easily as he usually did. 

He was just a tad sad, in all honesty. He felt as though he’d completely ruined everything with Nico’s mum. Nico even seemed like he was still _mad_ at him. He was ignoring his texts more often than usual, but when _Phil_ was the one not answering him, he got a bit irritated. He snapped at Phil more often, and when they spent time together, they would be sitting in complete silence, a movie on in the background, and Nico’s phone glued to his hand. 

Phil was terrified. He was terrified that he’d messed it up completely, that Nico wanted to _leave_ him. They hardly talked anymore unless they were kissing or having sex. Sure, there were a few good moments where things were _good_ , almost like how they were when they first started dating, but then, in the blink of an eye, everything would change and Nico would become a brick wall that Phil didn’t know how to touch. 

He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what to _do_. He wanted to be with Nico because he loved him with all of his heart. He would do anything for him, would probably _kill_ so he could be with him, because Nico was the only thing that made Phil feel like he was truly worth anything. Without Nico, Phil was nothing. He was just a pretty face that people liked to look at but didn’t want to be with. If he didn’t have Nico, he knew that he would be unhappy for the rest of his life. 

Of course, there was Dan too. But while Dan was someone that made Phil laugh, a constant that Phil knew he could always count on, he wasn’t Nico. Still, whenever Nico wasn’t texting him, Dan _was_ , and that meant the world to Phil. Whenever Nico wasn’t over at Phil’s flat, it was Dan who was over, just like he was over now. 

The only complaint Phil had about Dan was that he was too intuitive and in-tune to other people’s emotions. Because he was an actor, he could always tell when someone was wearing a mask and pretending to be okay even if they weren’t. It was instances like this that made Phil majorly regret inviting Dan over to his flat, especially when Dan stared at him with a contemplative expression on his face, one that made Phil’s stomach sink into the ground. When Dan opened his mouth, Phil resisted the urge to bolt out of the room. 

“Alright, what’s wrong, Phil?” Dan asked. His question was _completely_ unjustified. They had literally just been listening to music on Phil’s record player, the sound of Muse filling the room with a lovely melody. Phil had been quiet, laying on the couch with his eyes half-closed, just basking in the aura. They’d been like that for about an hour before Dan had finally spoken, his first words something such as _this_. 

Phil even had the audacity to be surprised. How could Dan see right through him? How did he know him so well after only a few months of friendship? It was something Phil wasn’t used to. “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Phil answered quietly. He stared at the ceiling, squinting his eyes until he could see little stars swimming across his vision.

Dan sighed and Phil could hear him shuffle a little bit from where he was leaning against the couch on the floor. He didn’t look to see how Dan had moved. “Don’t lie to me, Phil. I can tell that something’s wrong.” When Phil still didn’t answer, Dan spoke in a lighter, more persuasive tone. “You just seem a bit sad now, is all I’m saying. I’m just concerned and I want to help in any way I can.”

Phil pursed his lips and squeezed his eyes shut. The stars were still dancing across his vision. “I don’t think you can,” Phil told him.

“Problems in paradise?” Dan guessed. 

Phil shrugged as best as he could while laying down. It probably just made him look a bit twitchy, but he didn’t care. The background music was now just pointless white noise in his ears, irritating him. He suddenly wished for silence. He wished he could just be alone. “Something like that.”

“Wanna share with daddy what’s been going on?”

Phil choked, spluttered, his eyes shooting open wide. He sat up on his elbow and glared down at Dan, who was pretty much cackling on the floor. “The fuck?!” Phil exclaimed, taking the pillow from behind his head and whacking Dan in the face. “I never want to hear you call yourself daddy ever again, alright? Last I heard, you were my _friend_ , not my parent.”

Dan snorted, shaking his head. “That’s not what my shirt says!” he protested, gesturing to his shirt. He was wearing his horrid World’s Best Daddy shirt again and Phil couldn’t help himself from whacking him in the face once more. 

“Blocked and unfriended,” Phil told him sternly, laying back against the couch cushions. His eyes found a little black smudge on the ceiling, a shocking contrast against the white. Right at that moment, he related to the little black smudge. He, too, was a source of darkness amidst the light, lost and with no source of safety as far as he could see. 

He picked up his phone and checked his messages. 

Nothing. No new messages. None from his mum, none from Chandler, and certainly none from Nico. But as he stared at the now-black screen, it lit up once more with a new text, although not from the person who he most wanted to speak to.

 **Charlie - 8:53pm**

_Shalom philly! How do ya?_

Phil texted back a quick hello and nothing else, not really feeling up for a full conversation. Which ended up being a bit controversial because as soon as he set down his phone, he was opening his mouth to talk. 

“I think I messed things up with Nico,” Phil finally admitted, his voice so quiet that he wasn’t even sure if Dan could hear him. Maybe he didn’t _want_ Dan to hear him, anyways. Maybe that was for the best.

Unlucky for him, Dan heard him and even _responded_ to him. Phil wanted to curse himself for even opening his stupidly big mouth. “Why do you think that?”

 _Maybe because he ignores me half of the time?_ Phil thought bitterly, but he didn’t say that out loud. Instead, he tried to sugar coat it, spilling the beans about everything that he did completely wrong at Nico’s mum’s house. “I messed up when I visited his mum’s place,” Phil muttered. “Everything went wrong so fast that it nearly gave me whiplash. One moment, we were cuddling in the cab and the next, Nico was informing me that his mum had a cat. A _cat_. My allergies were acting up the entire rest of the day!” 

Dan chuckled and Phil didn’t have to look at him to know that he was probably raising his eyebrows at him. “A cat? Is that all, or is there more to this story?”

“There’s more,” Phil sighed, slightly disappointed in himself for giving up so easily to Dan’s persuasion. “The cat thing happened first. I was actually pretty upset about her owning a cat, but at that point I couldn’t back out. So we went in and I just kinda assumed Nico would introduce me as his boyfriend. Well, he didn’t. I was just his friend apparently.” He rolled his eyes and shook his head in frustration, running a hand through his slightly sweaty fringe. 

“Imagine that! _Friends_! As if we don’t say ‘I love you’ and have sex all the time.” Dan made a gagging noise and Phil kicked him lightly to shut him up. He’d wanted to know, so he had to deal with all of the grimy details. “So then Nico started ignoring me for literally no reason at all. All I was doing was chatting with his brother, Ezra. After Ezra gave me the house tour, he wanted me to go swimming with him, but Nico really didn’t want me to. Eventually I got pulled into the pool and Nico ended up just walking away. When I found him, he refused to speak with me. For the _entire night_. He didn’t speak with me until we got home!”

“Erm,” Dan started, and Phil hushed him because he wasn’t finished. Dan quieted down like a good boy and Phil was able to continue his rant. 

“After dinner, Yvette pulled me into the kitchen and started spouting some bullshit about how I can’t let him ruin me and about how I deserved the best. What kind of mother says that about her own _son_?! Besides, Nico is wonderful to me so she doesn’t know what she’s talking about.” He went on and on, telling the story as it happened. He told Dan about how when Nico and Phil got back home, Nico told Phil that swimming made him a slut and how he told Phil that he didn’t date sluts. He told Dan about how he had started crying and apologising, which was then followed by a quick exchange of endearments followed by slow sex. He mentioned how Nico had been ignoring him recently and how he was constantly fearing that Nico was going to break up with him now. He didn’t leave out any details, the story spilling out before he could even think to stop it.

The only thing he didn’t mention, was _why_ Nico’s mum had said what she said, unwilling to divulge Nico’s history to another without his permission. It wasn’t Phil’s story to tell.

When he _did_ finally stop talking, Dan had gone quiet. It was such a contrast to the rushed tone of voice Phil had been using only moments before that it set him on edge. What was Dan thinking? Was he thinking of how terrible Phil was? Perhaps how Phil shouldn’t have gone swimming since Nico didn’t want him to? Or maybe about how much of a slut Phil was? He didn’t want to cry anymore, so he gritted his teeth and glared at the splotch of paint on the ceiling again. 

“Phil…” Dan said after a moment, and Phil tensed, bracing himself for the disappointment that Dan was no doubt going to be showing him. Dan turned around so he was facing the couch, and Phil felt Dan take one of his hands in his own. “Don’t take this the wrong way, okay? But I’m really concerned about you. Based on what I’ve seen and what you’ve told me, I think you need to be a bit careful.” 

“What do you mean?” Phil deadpanned. There was a sick feeling in his gut and he could already tell that he didn’t want to hear any of this. It was like Nico’s mum all over again, like Dan somehow knew about Nico’s father and thought he was going to hit Phil too. 

Dan squeezed his hand softly and it would have been nice if Phil wasn’t so tense at the moment. He couldn’t seem to bring himself to relax no matter what he did. “Nico just seems kind of… _off_ , I guess?” Dan said. Phil gave him an unimpressed look because Dan was going to have to do a lot better than _that_ if he wanted to express to Phil what his concerns were. “Isn’t the stuff he’s doing a bit, like, _abusive_?” 

Phil snorted and burrowed himself into the couch, shaking his head. “Abusive? Seriously? God, 

Dan, it’s not like he _hits_ me or anything.” 

“Not all abuse is physical,” Dan said quietly. Phil couldn’t tell whether he sounded a bit put out or not, so he decided to just ignore the tone and focus on the words. Words that were _wrong_. 

“No way. Nico is great to me. He’s not… not _like_ that.” Even the thought of that word made him feel nauseous. How could anyone think that Nico was abusive when he made Phil the happiest man in existence? It was just ridiculous, and yet Phil found his stomach churning with the need to throw up. “What even made you come up with something like that? Why would you even _suggest_ something like that?”

Dan shrugged, frowning. His eyebrows were furrowed and it wasn’t a great look on him. Phil wanted to tell him to stop, but he didn’t know how to get the words out. “Just think about it. He manipulated you to the point where you were terrified to disobey him, he was hiding your relationship from his mum, and then he withheld affection when you went against his wishes. Those are all pretty big red flags.” Dan paused, searching Phil’s face for any sign of discomfort. When he saw how Phil was pretty much freaking out, his eyes went soft and he rubbed his thumb against the back of Phil’s hand. Phil wanted to tear his hand away, but he couldn’t seem to move in the slightest. “Look, I’m not saying that Nico _is_ abusive in any way. But I just want to make sure that you’re staying safe and that you’re not with someone who has the potential to destroy you.”

“He’s not like that,” Phil said again, more firmly this time. 

Even so, his head was spinning, and a migraine was beginning to eat at his brain. His whole body was screaming at him to run and never look back, but he tried to tell himself that Dan didn’t mean it in the way that he was coming across, but was just concerned instead. Phil should have never told Dan what had happened that weekend. 

“Okay,” Dan said gently. “Okay. I believe you.” 

He didn’t ask any other questions, didn’t grill Phil for details, and Phil was thankful for that. The inquiry was still in the back of his mind though, even when Dan started playing the piano for him, the soft tune making Phil’s ears sing and the tension flow out of his body. He closed his eyes and let himself get lost in it, because Dan was so good that he made Phil able to forget about almost everything. 

Except this, apparently. 

When Dan went to bed that evening and Phil was tucked comfortably under a blanket on the couch, Phil found himself clicking open a new tab on his laptop. For once, he didn’t think when he typed out a single word, hands shaking over the keyboard.

 _Abuse_. 

There were 523,000,000 results and the first one was the definition of the word. Phil skipped over that and clicked on the first link, which was labeled _Types of Abuse_. Physical abuse was the first thing that popped up, which was expected. There were other tabs on the page labeled Emotional/Verbal Abuse, Sexual Abuse, Financial Abuse, and so on, and Phil took a deep breath. 

He began by skimming the physical abuse tab. He wasn’t too worried about it because Nico didn’t hit him or anything, but his brain was still foggy and his stomach was still churning when he read the description. 

_Physical abuse is any intentional and unwanted contact with you or something close to your body. Sometimes abusive behavior does not cause pain or even leave a bruise, but it’s still unhealthy_. 

Of course there was the obvious. Punching, scratching, throwing, pushing. Using a knife, gun, or other weapon. Grabbing the face, preventing from leaving, grabbing clothing. Nothing too terrible that screamed at Phil that he was being abused. 

The next tab was emotional abuse, the description making Phil much more uncomfortable. He shuffled uncomfortably on the couch, adjusting the blanket, his eyes skimming the words but not really processing it until he reread it a few times. 

_Emotional abuse includes non-physical behaviors such as threats, insults, constant monitoring or “checking in,” excessive texting, humiliation, intimidation, isolation or stalking_.

From just the description, Phil was already shaking his head. Just because Nico texted him all the time definitely didn’t mean that he was _abusive_. That bit was just plain ridiculous. Nico just wanted to talk to him all the time and there was absolutely nothing wrong with that. He continued reading, squinting his eyes against the brightness of his laptop as if that would help him feel slightly more protected from what he was going to see.

_Calling you names and putting you down. Preventing you from seeing or talking with friends and family. Telling you what to do and wear. Damaging your property when they’re angry. Accusing you of cheating and often being jealous of your outside relationships. Using gaslighting techniques to confuse or manipulate you._

Phil felt as though he couldn’t breathe. There was too much, too many things that jumped out at him, and he couldn’t _breathe_. He didn’t really _want_ to. He took some breaths through his nose and let it out through his mouth to try and calm himself down. It didn’t really help, but it was better than nothing. 

Nico wasn’t abusive. He _wasn’t_. Phil had no doubts about that fact. Just because Nico sometimes called him a whore or accused him of cheating didn’t mean anything. Besides, Nico was just dealing with some of his own demons. He was trying to get over what had happened with his dad and accidentally took it out on Phil sometimes. Phil didn’t blame him for that, and he definitely wasn’t going to _leave_ him when Nico was dealing with his own shit. Phil just didn’t have the heart to do that, and he didn’t want to leave Nico anyway. 

Phil _loved_ him. 

There was a little bit underneath the bullet points that talked about how emotional abuse was still abuse and how it could cause emotional pain and scarring, and could even make the victim feel worthless or like they weren’t good enough. 

Phil slammed the laptop shut and threw it on the floor. It landed with a dull thump, but Phil ignored it. Now, without the light from the computer, Phil was washed in darkness, but he didn’t care. He stared at the wall, his heart pounding, his head spinning. 

Nico wasn’t abusive. Dan was wrong. He was _wrong_. 

So why was Phil suddenly questioning everything he thought he knew?


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys, sorry that i had to delete that last chapter. apparently ao3 did not post my entire work. it's giving me a lot of issues actually and i'm really pissed off about it. So when I uploaded, it stopped literally mid sentence which was NOT what was supposed to happen. And now it wont let me upload the rest along with it! wtf ao3! Ugh  
> warnings for this chapter include violence and scare tactics using a knife, as well as a brief mention of rough sex. Please be safe when reading this! Thank you so much to everyone who reads this, you’re the reason I keep writing this! I love all of you! Thank you to @snowbunnylester for betaing this c: I love you v much. lyric creds go to the song Lit Me Up by Brand new!

_Don't cut me up and tell me that it's okay_.

-

Phil was having a bad day at work.

He couldn't seem to get his mind off of his conversation with Dan last night. His hands kept fumbling whenever he set plates on the table and he spilled milk on the floor. He had even knocked his tray over and sent a dozen glasses flying to the linoleum, the glass shattering to the floor like a million broken hearts. Phil was a mess and he couldn't stop  _thinking_.

"What's going on with you today?" Chandler asked. There was worry laced in her tone, and she wiped her wet hands on her apron, giving Phil a concerned look. She seemed as though she wanted to say more, but she didn't, instead awkwardly leaning against the wall and crossing her arms over her chest, awaiting his answer.

Phil shook his head. "Nothing," he responded. But then he thought a little bit more.

Last night after Dan had fallen asleep, Phil had gone on incognito and looked up signs for an unhealthy relationship. The term  _abuse_  was replaying in his mind over and over again like a broken record.

 _Unreasonable jealousy. Guilt trips. Withdrawal of affection. Isolation from friends and family._   _Abusive, abusive, abusive._

Should he get a second opinion? Maybe to get some sort of reassurance that  _of course_  Nico didn't abuse him. Or maybe just another person to tell him... tell him that something was  _wrong_. Phil didn't know what he'd do in that instance, but suddenly, he needed to know for sure. Maybe then, he could get some peace of mind.

"Actually, Chandler," Phil began again, just as Chandler turned and started to fill an empty glass with ice. She froze with a deer in the headlights look, and gazed at him with questioning blue eyes. He froze along with her, shifting a bit in his shoes. His fingers messed with the pocket on the front of his apron, and he averted his eyes. "Someone mentioned they think Nico is abusive towards me?" Phil squeaked.

Chandler went silent, and Phil was too afraid to look at her to find out what she was thinking. Did she agree? Was she scared to tell him her thoughts? Eventually, he glanced up to find her eyebrows furrowed and disbelief evident on her face. "Uh, what?" she asked. Her voice came out a bit snobby, but Phil was close enough to her by now that he didn't really question it. Sometimes she just got an attitude, and it had nothing to do with him.

"I was just, um, talking to someone? And they mentioned that Nico seems abusive? But I don't know what to think about it, like he doesn't hit me or anything. So. Yeah."

Chandler pulled a face and she laughed, shaking her head. Her whole expression screamed that she couldn't believe was she was hearing. "Well I've seen him with you, and he doesn't seem abusive to me at all. That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard." Her voice sounded a bit bitter, and Phil briefly wondered why. "You should just cherish the fact that you have a perfect boyfriend, unlike the rest of us." Right. She was just jealous that Phil was lucky enough to be with Nico. Chandler had mentioned before that she thought Phil was lucky.

Phil laughed, but it came out shaky. "Yeah. Yeah, you're right," he said. He didn't know why his voice was quivering so much, why his hands couldn't stop wringing his apron, why he couldn't look her in the eye. "I guess I was just worried about nothing."

Chandler crinkled her nose, her eyebrows furrowed in confusion and something else that Phil couldn't quite put his finger on. "You were actually worried about that?"

Phil shrugged. He knew it was stupid. She didn't have to point it out to him. It'd just been something that'd been bothering him since he'd had the talk with Dan, and he had wanted to get a second opinion. Phil didn't  _think_  he was actually being abused. He just had wanted to make sure.

"Man, Dan's really gotten into your head, hasn't he?" Chandler commented, and she grabbed a drink tray with a little bit more force than necessary, holding it on her forearm and putting the drinks on it. "If you ask me, Nico was right. You shouldn't be friends with an asshole like Dan at all if he's putting those ideas into your head."

Now it was Phil's turn to furrow his eyebrows. He didn't remember mentioning to her that it had been Dan who had brought up the subject of abuse. And besides, didn't she  _like_  Dan? She'd never talked badly about him before. "He didn't..." Phil started to say, but his words drifted off as she walked past him into the lobby, deciding to ignore him instead.

As she walked past, a strange thought crossed my mind, which made his teeth dig into his bottom lip.

Since when had Chandler even talked to Nico enough to know  _anything_  about how Nico felt about Phil's friendship with Dan?

-

Finally, after three long days where Nico had ignored him, he finally decided to invite Phil over for some quality time together. However, Phil couldn't help but feel like things were weird. He couldn't exactly put his finger on  _why_  it was weird, but it was, and he didn't like it in the slightest.

He was tense. His eyes were devoid of emotion - empty, soulless, almost. He talked to Phil but there was distance between them, even though they were touching and kissing. Phil felt as though Nico was a thousand miles away, even though he was  _right there_.

Phil was just glad that Nico was talking to him again at least. He wasn't used to going so long without talking to Nico, especially because Nico typically wanted to talk every minute of every day.

"Wanna see something cool I found when mum was getting rid of dad's stuff?" Nico asked suddenly, giving Phil an excited grin.

Phil nodded, smiling widely. He liked when Nico was so excited, almost as if he were a little kid on Christmas morning, waiting for the time when he would finally be able to open his presents.

They were currently sat in Nico's room and Phil was settled next to Nico, his back to the wall, Nico's arm thrown around his shoulders. Phil liked feeling as if he were being protected from all of the bad in the world just from Nico's arm being around him. All of his earlier fears about abuse and manipulation seemed to have disappeared with that arm. He didn't know why he had questioned their relationship when things were so  _good_  between them.

Dan was wrong. Nico wasn't abusive. He was nothing like his father - he was kind, and strong, always working to keep Phil safe. Phil felt safe with Nico.

Nico shifted a bit and reached into his pocket. Phil watched in rapt curiosity as he brought out something silver, and he realised with a jolt that it was a butterfly knife.

"I've been practicing and trying to open it the correct way, but it's a bit hard," Nico admitted. He flicked his wrist and the knife, which was originally closed, twirled and flicked open. The blade shined bright in the dim lighting, and Phil could feel himself flinch although he didn't really know why. "Isn't it beautiful?" Nico asked.

Laughing nervously, Phil nodded his head again. He was strangely twitchy, on edge, just from the sight of the open knife. He tried to calm his heart, but it seemed as if his body didn't want to listen to him. "A bit scary," Phil answered, leaning his head against the bedframe behind him. He didn't take his eyes away from Nico or the knife he was fidgeting with, as if he were in a trance.

"Scary?" Nico chuckled, eyebrows raising in what seemed to be surprise. "You think it's scary?"

"Of course I do. It's a  _knife_ ," Phil scoffed.

Nico hummed, but he didn't say anything. Instead, he stared contemplatively at the knife, his green eyes following the movements as he opened and closed it with ease. The weapon made a whipping noise as it sliced through the air, the metal clacking together hard enough to make Phil's ears ring. "Do  _I_  scare you?" he asked after a moment, raising his eyebrows. He was looking at Phil through thick eyelashes, ones that made his eyes seem darker than they really were.

Phil shrugged. "No," he said, but it felt like a lie.

He didn't really know why. He wasn't afraid of Nico because Nico wasn't scary. Maybe it just felt like he was lying because his eyes were glued to the knife that Nico was currently waving around without a care in the world.

Phil didn't understand how Nico could play with that knife so easily. The knife that had once belonged to Nico's father, an object of Nico's dark and depressing past.

Phil barely had time to react before Nico grabbed him. In one smooth moment, his head bumping against the headboard with the force, Nico pinned him down and sat on his lap, one hand wrapped around Phil's jaw so tight that Phil could feel his fingernails digging into his skin. The other hand held the knife up to Phil's neck. The cold metal pressed into his throat, the horrible feeling that his skin would be cut if he so much as swallowed coming along with it.

"Do I scare you now?" Nico asked. His voice was low, quiet, and Phil could barely hear him over the sound of his own pounding heart.

"N-no," Phil stuttered, wincing as the metal scratched at his throat. He wondered if it'd cut him, if it'd leave a red mark. He tried not to breathe.

"I could kill you right now."

Swallowing, Phil just stared back into those green eyes he loved so much. He couldn't make sense out of anything running through his mind right then; a series of emotions, a collaboration of thoughts that made his head hurt.

"I would let you."  _Because death would be better than this_ , his mind whispered. He pushed it away angrily. Why the fuck would he even think something like that?

They stared at each other until Nico finally lowered the knife, backing off. Phil could breathe again.

"You're fucking crazy," Nico muttered, flicking the blade closed and looking at Phil through those dark eyelashes.

Phil laughed, his tone still a bit shaky.

"Maybe I'm just crazy for you." But he decided that maybe Nico was right, that he was crazy after all. Who would contemplate dying just because their boyfriend was playing around with them? There must be something wrong with him.

Nico shook his head, chuckling, and then surged forward to kiss him on the lips. His lips were rough, demanding, and Phil hissed in pain as he bit his lip a little too hard. He didn't oppose, though, even when Nico roughly pinned him against the floor, his hands searching his body as if he was trying to  _take_  and  _take_ and  _take_. He didn't complain when Nico fumbled with his zipper or when he tore a button off of his shirt.

He just sat there and took it, because he wanted to please Nico and he didn't know what else to do.

They had sex. Hot and rough and dirty against the floor. Nico usually liked to be rough during sex, but this time it hurt enough that Phil found tears coming to his eyes. He was glad that Nico was behind him and couldn't see that happen.

He left almost right after they finished, pulling on his clothes and muttering something about how he had to go back home so he could be ready for his morning class the next day. It was an excuse, but he ran out the door anyway, hardly listening to Nico when he yelled at Phil to text him.

Why should he text Nico, when Nico had refused to text him back for weeks now?

For a moment, the fresh air was cool and calming against Phil's skin. For a moment, he was able to think straight again, and then, quite suddenly, the world caved in on him and everything became too much all over again.

The knives, the sex, the fact that Phil was  _crazy_. His brain couldn't seem to catch up to him, and he found himself sniffling, trying to wipe away the pathetic tears in his eyes. He was limping, his bum hurting from being fucked too hard, and before he knew it, he found himself in front of Dan's flat.

He didn't know how he'd gotten there, hadn't even  _thought_  about going to Dan's, but he didn't complain. Maybe it was good to be with someone who understood, someone who wouldn't judge Phil no matter what happened. So he knocked on the door. Waited. Waited some more. Until the door was swinging open and Dan stood there, his hair a curly mess and an alarmed look on his face.

"Phil? Are you okay?"

Phil's voice died in his throat. He took a deep breath, tried to clear his mind with the fresh air, and then attempted to speak again, quiet and timidly. "Can..." he cleared his throat. "Can I sleep here?"

Dan nodded and moved aside, allowing Phil into his apartment with open arms and a calming aura. "The couch is all yours for as long as you need."

He didn't ask Phil any questions, didn't ask why Phil was limping, only stared at him with a concerned, calculating look, and for that, Phil was thankful. He didn't want any questions right now, and he  _definitely_  didn't need his brain to start freaking out more than it already was.

Dan didn't ask any questions until the next morning. And only then, he did so because Phil was hardly touching his cereal, pushing it around in the bowl. His brown eyes were soft, his expression unjudging. "Is everything alright?" Dan asked over the sound of the television, which was playing Rick and Morty in the background on a volume far too low to hear.

Phil nodded. "Why wouldn't it be?" But his eyes were heavy from lack of sleep and he couldn't sit correctly because his ass hurt too much. Dan dropped it after that, but Phil could see from the look in his eye that he knew the words were a lie.

The need for sleep and the pain in his bottom were the excuse Phil gave himself when he didn't leave that day, when he found himself sleeping on Dan's couch once again. Dan didn't complain, just let Phil use his shower and borrow some of his pyjamas, making him a bed on the couch for the time being.

That was how Phil found himself spending two weeks on Dan's couch. Dan was wonderful about it, completely understanding. He told Phil to take as much time as he needed, and only questioned him in the softest of voices, nothing too accusatory, nothing that made Phil want to run and hide.

Phil still managed to see Nico almost every day, but he used the excuse of too much schoolwork to stay the night with Nico, and instead went home to Dan's every night. It made him feel horrible, but Phil didn't want to be alone, and he didn't want to be with Nico, so this was the best option.

Phil didn't know why he was acting like this, why he didn't want to go home or sleep at Nico's. He didn't know why he was suddenly dreading being around Nico when he was Phil's source of happiness for the longest time.

He was only lucky enough that Dan understood his wants and needs. Most of the time.

For almost two weeks, Dan didn't question Phil again. He merely encouraged him to play video games and have fun with Dan. He helped him into bed every night after he saw Nico and gave him a shoulder to cry on when Phil's emotions caught up with him and made him feel at a loss. Dan was a comfort through Phil's hard times, but Phil couldn't help but wonder - was he crazy? Is he losing his mind?

What was  _happening_  to him?

Dan usually understood his wants and needs. This was only challenged one day, when they were watching  _50 First Dates_  for the second time in a row. "Why do you let him treat you like this?" Dan asked. His voice was so quiet that Phil had to strain his ears to understand what he was saying.

"He treats me fine," Phil responded automatically. The words made a shiver run down his spine, but he didn't understand what it meant. It's not like he was lying or anything. It was true, Nico treated him so well that Phil didn't know what he'd done to deserve such a perfect boyfriend. So why did Dan accuse him of such a thing?

He could feel Dan's stare burning into the side of his head, but he didn't dare turn to look at him. He kept his eyes trained on the television, although his eyesight was slightly blurry and he couldn't make sense of what was going on in the scene. His heart was pounding fast in his chest, so fast that he could feel it in his throat. "Phil, you've been sleeping on my couch for the past two weeks and crying in the middle of the night. I don't think that's what a relationship should be like."

Phil stayed silent for a moment. He swallowed around the lump in his throat and dug his nails into his palms. "I love him," he said. "And he loves me too."

"Okay," Dan replied, tone filled with disbelief. "You know I'm always here for you, right?"

Phil nodded and they didn't say anything else about it, but Phil couldn't get the conversation off his mind. Nico loved him and Phil loved him too. There was nothing else to question. Relationships were hard sometimes, but that's what a relationship  _was_. He couldn't just leave because it got hard occasionally.

He couldn't leave. He didn't want to. So he wouldn't.

-

In Phil's opinion, privacy in a relationship was important. Each person needed privacy to be able to be themselves, otherwise they would have no possible way to be independent. Phil thought privacy was  _healthy_.

So Phil didn't know what he was doing, what suddenly came over him to turn him into a different person. He didn't know why was he reaching for Nico's phone as soon as Nico was in the shower, leaving Phil alone in the bedroom with just his phone and the demon on his shoulder. But then, he realised it shouldn't matter. Nico had gone through his texts, so this was only fair. Besides, it's not like Phil actually thought Nico was cheating on him or anything. He was just  _curious_. Curious as to who his boyfriend was texting all the time, who his boyfriend was texting that wasn't  _him_.

Surely it was nothing. Nico had had the same worries as Phil currently did when he'd caught Phil texting Dan, so it should be nothing now for Phil as well. Maybe Nico had friends who he texted, people he liked to chat with. Texting wasn't a big deal. And yet, Phil couldn't help the way his mind screamed that something was horribly, terribly  _wrong_.

His heart was pounding in his chest as he unlocked Nico's phone. The sounds from the bathroom, the noise of running water, suddenly became louder. He could hear every single movement coming from the other room as he scrolled through the conversations, as if he were hyper aware of Nico, or afraid of him catching Phil or something. But of course Phil wasn't afraid - going through Nico's phone without his permission was no big deal, right?

There was Phil, of course, Ledjon, Nico's mum, a friend Nico had briefly mentioned named Dylan. And... Chandler?

Phil furrowed his eyebrows. What did Nico and Chandler have to talk about behind his back? Sure, they all shared Philosophy together, but as far as Phil knew, they weren't close in the slightest. Certainly not close enough to  _text_. And yet, here he was, staring directly down at Chandler's messages to his boyfriend.

It was curiosity that made him open the text messages, curiosity of why his boyfriend and best friend were texting without his knowledge.

He scrolled through, his brain not really making sense of what was happening, and then, like a switch, he felt his chest began to squeeze tight and his eyes start to tear up. The messages he was reading was from only a week ago.

 **Nico Caragen**  - 12:12pm

_Hello! how are u doing today?_

**Chandler Jones**  - 12:16pm

_Hi babe xoxo im good, how are you?_

The use of endearment made Phil's stomach lurch. He could barely breathe at this point. He closed his eyes for a moment, took in a deep breath, and scrolled a bit further down. These messages were from today, just a few hours before Phil came over to Nico's house. The knowledge that Nico had been texting Chandler only that recently made a bitter taste rise in Phil's throat.

He scrolled up a bit more, just to see if there was anything more suspicious. He scrolled back so far that he ended up in last weeks messages before reading anything.

**Nico Caragen - 12:11am**

****_He just pisses me off sometimes you know? Like, i like him and all, but sometimes he treats me like im the worst person in the world. I just want some god damned respect._

**Chandler Jones - 12:13am** _Well that's why you have me ;) i give you what he can't._

Phil was definitely going to puke. He didn't have to look at the above texts to know who Nico was talking about. They were talking about  _him_.

**Nico Caragen - 12:14am**

****_Lol that's y i texted you x_

Phil didn't want to see any more of that conversation so he scrolled all the way to the bottom, trying to take some calming breaths. Nico wasn't cheating on him. He knew that's how it  _looked_ , but there had to be some back story. Nico wouldn't cheat on him with his own best friend. And Chandler definitely wouldn't do that to him either.

Right?

**Nico Caragen - 9:31am**

****_Phils about to come over so ill talk to u when hes gone ok?_

**Chandler Jones - 9:32am**

****_Sounds good to me babe. Have fun and think of me ;)_

**Nico Caragen - 9:33am**

****_You know I always do, sweet pea x_

Phil paused, staring at the message as though it had personally attacked him. And in a way, it had. The nickname stood out like a sore thumb, made Phil feel a bit nauseous. He couldn't seem to take his eyes away from the message, couldn't seem to wrap his head around what he was seeing.

It was like everything in his world had been turned upside down. His beloved boyfriend, the one he's been dating for over six months, was flirting with his best friend, telling her that he'd think of her, calling her  _sweet pea_. That nickname was  _Phil's_. It belonged to him, not Chandler. She didn't deserve it. She wasn't Nico's girlfriend, she wasn't supposed to be the object of Nico's affections.

So why was she?

The water in the bathroom turned off and Phil couldn't tear his eyes away. He was repeating the nickname over and over again in his head like a mantra.  _Sweet pea, sweet pea, sweet pea_. He could feel a little piece of his heart detach and crumble to the floor like a rotting piece of wood.

The bathroom doorknob turned, and then Nico was walking out. Phil didn't look up, but Nico paused when he saw Phil, making a surprised grunt in his throat as he realised what was happening.

Phil began to shake, swallowing. He felt like he was going to throw up.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, Phil?" Nico asked, his voice low and dangerous. His voice may have sounded calm, but there was fire underneath it that told Phil that he was in trouble.

He stared at the phone in his hands, the screen going dark. His vision was starting to go fuzzy, but he couldn't seem to blink to clear it. The use of his name instead of the nickname he loved so much made him feel as if he had been punched in the face. "You..." Phil started, trailing off. He couldn't say it, couldn't speak. His tongue felt like sandpaper.

In one swift motion, Nico stalked up to him, grabbed the phone out of his hands, and threw it across the room. It reminded Phil of the time Nico had thrown  _his_ phone at the wall, the screen shattering with his anger. "What the fuck, Phil? What all did you see?"

The statement was strange. If he was asking what Phil saw, then there had to be  _more_ , right? Things that were probably worse than Phil had really seen. Phil opened his mouth to speak. "I..." he swallowed, closing his mouth. He stared at his hands because he couldn't look Nico in the eye. His heart felt as though it was failing on him. He could feel the tears begin to slide down his cheeks, which made him want to laugh for being so  _weak._  "You cheated on me," he got out at last, his voice cracking. "With my own best friend."

Nico went silent for a fraction of a second, and then he was laughing so hard that he threw his head back, the sound bouncing off the walls. His laughter sounded hollow, forced. Dare Phil say it,  _scared_. "Is that what you call cheating? Just me chatting to another girl? Sweet pea, that's not what cheating is. Sorry to disappoint."  _Yes it is_! Phil wanted to scream. He wanted to yell, to tell Nico that talking like that to someone else who wasn't him was very much cheating. "But you were flirting with her," he whispered. "You cheated on me." His thoughts were whirling around in his head and he felt as though his chest was caving in. Everything that he'd thought they had, everything that he'd worked towards for this relationship was suddenly turning to dust. Nico had basically admitted that he cheated by asking Phil what he'd seen. So why was Phil feeling like he was going to give in?

"I never did anything with her, so I didn't cheat on you. I never laid a finger on her. You have no right to be mad at me when I've never touched another person."

Phil sniffed, wiping his dripping nose on his hand. He was pretty sure he was two seconds away from bursting into tears, yet Nico wasn't even trying to console him. There was anger radiating from Nico's body, and Phil didn't reckon he even  _wanted_  to be touched by him right then. He was too angry, too upset, too  _betrayed_. He couldn't believe Nico would do this to him with his own friend.

"It's cheating to me," Phil whimpered, his shoulders caving in a little bit so he was curled up on himself, sat on the edge of the bed. "Calling another girl sweet pea... that's what you call me."

Nico snorted, crossing his arms over his chest. He was still partially naked after getting out of the shower, his shirt off and water dripping from his hair onto his bare skin. Phil didn't want to look at him. In fact, he didn't even want to  _see_  him. Truth be told, he wanted to leave and take some time to himself because this... this was just too much to handle.

"It's just a nickname, Phil. You didn't claim copywrite on it or anything. I'm allowed to use it with other people." He paused, and Phil glanced up long enough to see him narrow his eyes at him, his gaze so cold that it sent shivers down Phil's spine. "Now what I really want to know, is why the  _fuck_ you thought it was okay to go through my phone."

Phil couldn't breathe. He'd worried that it had been a breach of privacy when he was even considering it, but now he was actually dealing with the consequences. Was he in the right? Was his reasons  _just_? Nico was right. He shouldn't have gone through his phone. He shouldn't have freaked out on him. If Nico had wanted to tell him something, then he would have done so eventually. Yet Phil had stripped that right away from him. No wonder Nico was turning elsewhere for some respect, because Phil certainly didn't give it to him.

"You went through my phone," Phil told him quietly, weakly His heart was in his throat. It felt like he was choking on it. "So I didn't think it was a big deal if I went through yours."

A scoff. Nico dragged a hand through his wet curly hair. His eyes were wild. "You wanna know the difference, Phil? The difference is that I asked you permission to go through your phone. But you didn't respect me enough to ask me if that was okay." He walked over the few steps to Phil and leant down, getting into Phil's face, forcing him to look right at him. Phil couldn't help the tiny sob from ripping out of his throat. "Why are  _you_  the one crying? You're not the one whose boyfriend didn't trust or respect him enough to know his boundaries."

"But I told you I didn't want you to go through my phone!" Phil exclaimed through his tears. Nico was so close that he could feel his breath fanning across his face, and it made him nauseous to think about how those pretty pink lips could sweet talk someone who wasn't him. "And you forced me to show you!"

"Oh, I  _forced_  you, did I?" Nico laughed, shaking his head in disappointment. "Is that how you really feel? You really think I have to force you to do anything?" A pause. "You think I'm  _abusive_  then?"

The words didn't click for a moment. But when they did, Phil couldn't breathe.  _Abusive, abusive, abusive_. The same word that Nico had used to describe his dad. The same word that Dan had inquired Phil about. The same word that Phil had fretted about to Chandler.

It was in that moment that Phil knew that Chandler had mentioned to Nico what Phil had been worrying about, and he felt a shock of betrayal course through his bones. Why did Chandler have to mention that to Nico? It had just been a dumb thing that Phil had heard and worried over, but it was over now. Nico wasn't abusive.

But Nico was right. Phil didn't  _have_  to do anything. He didn't have to give Nico his phone, he didn't have to say no to swimming with Ezra, he didn't have to do  _anything_. It was all his decisions, not Nico. He just made his choices because he wanted to do it. So how could he blame this all on Nico when it was clearly his fault?

Besides, Phil was worse than Nico anyway. He'd been lying to Nico for  _months_  about Dan, telling him bullshit about how he was too busy to hang out, when really he'd been hanging out with Dan. Maybe Phil didn't  _flirt_  with Dan, but he'd been doing things with him behind his own boyfriend's back, and Phil didn't have any right to be mad at Nico when he was being far worse.

That was what made Phil deflate, the realisation that he deserved to have his feelings hurt after everything he was hiding from Nico, after everything he'd been  _doing_. He'd said it before and he'd say it again;Nico deserved better. It was no wonder he was going around flirting with girls that weren't Phil.

"You don't force me into anything," Phil admitted finally, looking back down at his lap. His lip quivered and he angrily wiped at his face again to stop the tears. "I shouldn't have looked at your phone without asking. That was a bitchy thing to do. I'm sorry, Nicky."

Nico sighed, and then he sat beside Phil. He threw an arm around Phil's shoulder, and brought Phil into a side hug. It allowed Phil to burrow his face into Nico's neck, inhaling the musky smell of his aftershave. He squeezed his eyes shut and a few more tears slipped out, landing on Nico's shirt collar. "I'll let it go this time," Nico hushed him, rubbing his arm. He kissed Phil's hair, and Phil let out a sob of relief because if Nico was kissing him, that meant he still wanted to be with him. He wasn't letting go of Phil yet. "Just don't do it again, yeah? Otherwise I'll be  _really_  angry."

Phil was nodding before he even finished, murmuring ' _yes of course, I promise I won't'_  into his skin, but there was a sinking feeling in his stomach that just wouldn't go away, a burn that scalded him wherever Nico touched. The new influx of emotions made Phil sick to his stomach, but he didn't understand what had changed.

However, when Nico lifted his head so he could kiss Phil lightly on the lips, whispering "I love you so much, sweet pea," the nickname caused a new burst of pain to stab through his heart. The name didn't give him the same fuzzy feeling as it used too , instead making a bitter taste appear in his mouth as though he needed to throw up. It made him nauseous, made him tense up, against the soft lips pressing against his.

He felt like there were shackles around his heart, squeezing until he was begging for it to end, but there was nothing he could do. Dwelling on past actions was only going to hurt him. He couldn't leave Nico. Nico wasn't like his father, would  _never_  be like his father, and Phil couldn't bare to leave him after all of the fear that Nico's father had left with him. Phil knew that Nico... Nico would absolutely not be able to handle it if he left him.

Phil had dug his grave, and now he had to lie in it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the confusion with this chapter ):


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you haven't read the updated chapter for chapter 11, do that before you read this! AO3 messed up and didn't post the whole chapter so you'll be horribly confused if you dont read it.
> 
> Warnings for this chapter include violence and shaming. There is a slap, so be warned and be safe! Thank you very much to snowbunnylester for editing this for me! You are beautiful and wonderful. I can't wait for you guys to read the rest of it :') The lyric at the beginning is from Princeton Ave by Issues!

_What is a man who lays a hand on his lover?_

-

About two months had passed since Phil had found the messages on Nico’s phone and Phil tried to pretend as though everything was okay between them. But Nico had become more distant than ever and Phil turned to Dan for company instead. Either Phil would be at Dan’s flat, or Dan would be at his, and it was nice. It was calm between them. Dan made Phil laugh, made him feel as though he wasn’t breaking apart at the seams. 

It was going fine, until Phil had decided to ignore Nico’s text messages in lieu of hanging out with Dan. He just hadn’t wanted to _deal_ with the excessive texting for one split second.

The moment a knock sounded on his door, Phil tensed. Dan gave him a curious look, but he refused to meet his gaze. 

He didn’t even have to look to know who it was. Nico had been texting him for the past few hours, over and over, and Phil could hardly stomach it. He ended up not responding after a while, tossing his phone to the floor and curling up next to Dan instead. He could still read the texts from the couch. 

**Nico x - 5:55pm**

**__** _I love you, babe. Xx_

**Nico x - 6:10pm**

**__** _Where are you? X_

**Nico x - 6:14pm**

**__** _Hello???_

**Nico x - 6:28pm**

**__** _Answer your fucking phone._

**Nico x - 6:32pm**

**__** _I swear to god, Phil._

**Nico x - 6:50pm**

**__** _Do you even love me anymore?_

A bad mistake on Phil’s part to just ignore him, and he knew it. He had known it would only be a couple of hours until Nico would show up at his door, but he couldn’t seem to bring himself to text back. 

Everything was too much. His mind was screaming at him, a plethora of thoughts and emotions that he couldn’t understand. 

Recently, he’d been having scary thoughts, thoughts he’d never been plagued with before, and he wasn’t quite sure of how to deal with them. 

So he shut Nico out. He made excuses. Said he was busy and then crashed on Dan’s couch. Told Nico he had too much schoolwork as Dan would be eating a bowl of chips and salsa next to him. He never did get around to telling Nico he was hanging out with Dan, after all, especially not since Nico claimed Phil was cheating for having another friend. 

He wanted Dan to himself, was that so much to ask for?

Apparently, yes. 

It didn’t help that Phil felt trapped, like he couldn’t leave Nico now, because Nico needed him. How could Phil abandon him after the story he’d heard about Nico’s dad? Not that he wanted to leave Nico, it was just - Phil didn’t deserve him anymore.

By the time Nico was knocking on his door, Dan was still in his flat, on his couch, waiting for Phil to answer the door. Except Phil didn’t move. He was frozen, a statue made of ice. 

“Are you going to answer?” Dan asked softly, nudging him with his knee. 

Phil cleared his throat and nodded, muting the television. “It’s Nico. Wanna go hide out in my room and give us some privacy for a little bit?” he asked softly, knowing that Dan would listen to his wishes. 

Just as expected, Dan nodded, patting his shoulder affectionately as he left the room. Phil steeled himself, knowing he was going to have to answer the door. 

It was stupid how scared he was. It wasn’t like Nico was going to hurt him or anything; he never, did after all. Phil just hated to disappoint him, hated how he was such a shitty boyfriend that he ignored Nico for hours on end just because he didn’t want to talk. He was so selfish. 

Squashing down his self-hatred, Phil answered the door. He expected the look of anger on Nico’s face, but it still punched him in the gut anyways, still felt like a stab right to the heart. Those eyes, which were so soft most of the time, were filled with hurt and rage, a horrible concoction of emotions. 

Phil invited him inside and opted for staring at the floor so he wouldn’t have to meet that heavy gaze. 

“So now you’re talking to me?” Nico asked coldly, tone as sharp as his butterfly knife. 

Phil flinched. “I’m sorry, I was doing a bit of cleaning and forgot to look at my phone,” he lied. Lying seemed to come easier since he’d met Dan, once he’d found something he didn’t want to give up.

Nico scoffed. He shut the door and the lock clicked into place, making Phil’s ears ring. His heart pounded in his ears. Why had Nico locked the door? And why was Phil _frightened_ by that? “I’m not an idiot, Phil. We’ve been dating for nearly a year. I know when you’re lying.” 

“I’m not lying,” Phil lied again. 

An iron grip found it’s way onto Phil’s chin, forcing him to look up and meet the poisonous gaze he was trying so hard to avoid. Phil felt bile rise in his throat, the anger flickering in Nico’s green eyes. Phil had never seen him so _angry_ before. Usually, Nico was passive aggressive. He would withdraw his attention from Phil, would act as if it didn’t phase him at all. He had never shown Phil how pissed he actually was. 

Phil must have truly hurt him. How terrible a boyfriend he must be. 

“Do you even love me anymore?” Nico asked, echoing the last text message he’d sent before coming to Phil’s house. “Because it seems like you don’t lately. Is there someone else you’re fucking? Is that why you’re lying to me so blatantly right now?” 

“Nico, of _course_ I love you! You know I wouldn’t see anybody behind your back!”

“Oh really?” Nico laughed humorlessly, throwing his head back as he let out a loud bellow. “So if I went into your room right now, there wouldn’t be another guy hiding there, waiting for me to leave?”

Phil’s stomach sank to the floor. Did… did he _know_? About Dan? Was he just _teasing_ Phil, humouring him because he knew Phil was lying? “N-no!” Phil stuttered. 

Nico hummed. He stroked Phil’s cheek softly, soothing the burning where his fingertips had just been pressing into his face. He pursed his lips. “I don’t believe you, sweet pea,” he said simply, and started to pull away. Just the sound of the endearment now was enough to make Phil blanche and want to curl into a ball. It seemed that he was always unable to stop shaking whenever Nico called him that, the knowledge that he also called Chandler that making Phil sick to his stomach.

As Nico began to walk towards Phil’s room, Phil began to protest. He tried to grab Nico’s hand, tried to tug him back. He couldn’t have Nico find Dan, he just couldn’t! If Nico found Dan hiding in his room, he would assume the worst. He would think Phil was cheating on him, which was simply not true. He would think Phil was _unfaithful_. Phil didn’t want that. He didn’t know what he would do if that happened.

“Nico, don’t you trust me? I love you, I would never cheat on you,” he pleaded. His face was flushed with horror, anxiety rising in his chest in the form of bile and tears. He had to hide Dan. Nico would get the wrong idea, and he’d know that Phil had _lied,_ and then he’d break up with him. 

Nico couldn’t leave him! Phil didn’t know what he’d do without him, how he'd be able to _live_ anymore. 

“Nico, please!” Phil exclaimed again, tugging more harshly, just as Nico began to reach for the handle of his door. He pulled a bit too hard, making Nico stumble and stub his toe against the open closet door in the hallway. 

“What the _fuck_!” Nico exclaimed, voice a mix of rage and pain. He turned on Phil then, his cheeks flushed red with fury, leaving Phil to shrink away from him as much as he possibly could. Even though he was taller than Nico by a few inches, Phil felt four feet tall at that moment. 

“Wow, you really must be hiding something from me, huh, slut? What, is he more _attractive_ than me? Does he fuck you _better_ than me? Make you feel _special_?” Nico barked out a laugh and reached out a hand, smoothing Phil’s fringe back with a hand far gentler than his voice. “Who am I kidding, though. It’s not like anyone else would want you. You’re lucky to have someone like me that loves you.”

Phil couldn’t stop the tears from flowing out of his eyes. He hiccupped, reaching out to cup Nico’s cheeks. “Nico-” he started, but he never finished. Before he could, a sharp pain struck his cheek and he was stumbling against the wall, hissing in pain with wide eyes. 

“Don’t _fucking_ touch me, whore.”

“Um, what the fuck?” A voice interrupted, and Phil closed his eyes, starting to sob harder. This was _exactly_ what he didn’t need to happen right now. 

He didn’t even need to look to see what was going on. Dan had walked out of the room just as Nico had slapped Phil. He was probably thinking Nico abused Phil, too, which wasn’t the case. He just happened to see something with no context, and now Nico was going to know Phil lied to him. 

“Did you just hit him?”

“Dan, it’s fine,” Phil said, straightening up. He wiped the tears angrily from his eyes and smiled, ignoring the pain in his cheek and jaw. He didn’t meet anyone’s eyes, but he was sure he was okay. “We were just having a little domestic is all.”

Dan snorted and crossed his arms over his chest. He turned a glare onto Nico, who glared right back. “Domestic my ass! I know an abuser when I see one. I could hear the entire fucking argument through the wall. You can’t just _treat_ people like that, mate.”

“I’m sorry, but who the hell are you to tell me what to do in _my_ relationship?” Nico asked smoothly, standing tall and confident. “He’s fine. Aren’t you, Phil?”

Phil nodded. “I’m fine,” he responded robotically. He was feeling particularly numb, like everything was miles away from him now. It was amazing. He liked the feeling of, well, _not_ feeling. 

Dan was shaking his head. “No. No fucking way. I want you out.”

 _“Excuse me_?!”

“Get out or I’m calling the fucking police.”

“Dan,” Phil interjected. Dan fell silent but didn’t turn his gaze away from Nico. 

“What?” Dan asked. 

“Get out.” 

That made Dan look at him. Phil didn’t know what he saw, didn’t know what he looked like. He probably had a disgusting red mark on his face, and his eyes were probably swollen from crying. Maybe he had bags under his eyes and messy hair. Maybe he looked a mile away. Phil didn’t know, and he didn’t particularly care.

All he knew was that he wanted Dan to leave.

“ _What_?” Dan exclaimed incredulously. 

Phil glanced into Nico’s eyes, saw the guarded look there, and knew exactly what he needed to do. If he wanted to save his relationship with Nico, he’d have to give up the one thing he hadn’t been willing to give up for so long. 

He directed his gaze to stare right into Dan’s eyes. “Get out of my house.”

He saw the pain there. He saw the betrayal. But he couldn’t have Dan in here anymore. The damage was done. His relationship was on the line. Phil would do anything for Nico, didn’t he realise that? He couldn’t throw away the only person who would ever love him, the only person who thought Phil was _worth_ something. 

“I’m not leaving,” Dan interjected, and Phil almost expected him to stomp his foot as well. 

Phil gave him a pleading look, one that was borderline desperate. He needed Dan out _right now_. “Dan. Please. Get the fuck out of my house.”

His best friend gave him a long and hard stare. Could he even call Dan his best friend anymore? After throwing him out of his apartment when he’d just tried to defend Phil? He didn’t know. 

He tried not to care too much. His fingers were numb, his cheeks were numb, his chest was numb. He wanted time to just slow down for a little bit and let him process what was happening.

“Fine, Phil,” Dan got out, shoving an angry shoulder into Nico’s as he stepped past. “Call me if you need me.” 

Then, he was gone. 

Phil didn’t know if he should be happy or upset by the fact that Dan had actually left.

A few seconds passed until the front door slammed closed, and Phil didn’t dare move, or breathe, for that matter. 

“Not hiding anyone in your room, huh?” Nico muttered, leaning against the wall, his arms crossed over his chest. He raised an expectant eyebrow at Phil. The anger from before had seemed to diminish only slightly, but Phil was still on edge. 

“He came by to ask for a textbook,” Phil told him, hanging his head. “Nothing more, I swear. I love _you_ , Nico. He doesn’t mean shit to me.” The words hurt him more than anyone could know, because Dan was a better friend than Phil could ever be to him. Dan deserved so much more than him. 

Nico hummed, reaching out his fingers and stroking them down Phil’s stinging cheek. “Did he touch you anywhere?” Phil shook his head no, and it made Nico start to flutter his hands down Phil’s sides. He gently skimmed over Phil’s skin, so light that Phil could barely feel it. His hands flitted under Phil’s shirt until he was lifting it up, pulling the shirt over Phil’s head. Phil obeyed, because he didn’t know what else to do. “Show me how much you love me. You belong to me, Phil. Forever.”

“I’m yours,” Phil murmured in agreement, stepping closer to Nico and pressing his lips to his hungrily. He kissed him with all he had, allowing Nico to dominate his mouth and to bite his lips until they were aching from the sting of his teeth. 

He allowed Nico to undress him in the hallway, allowed him to touch him and kiss down his chest. When Nico demanded he suck him off, he obeyed. He didn’t dare challenge him. 

They made their way back to the room, a tangled mess of limbs as Nico pressed him to the bed, biting harshly at his neck, hard enough to leave marks. He belonged to Nico again. 

“I’m sorry for hitting you,” Nico whispered as he kissed along Phil’s jawline, grinding against him softly. “I won’t do that again.”

“It’s okay,” Phil replied, keeping his eyes trained on the ceiling. 

There was a sharp pain in Phil’s cheek and Nico’s lips ghosted over it, but it felt like poison. His breath fanned across Phil’s face, and Phil resisted the urge to push him away by closing his eyes instead. “I never want you to leave me,” Nico murmured quietly, slowly removing Phil’s shirt. His hands burned as he trailed them down chest, over his skin. “I seriously don’t know what I’d do without you. So you can’t leave me, okay? That’s…” he sucked a mark into Phil’s throat, and Phil clenched his teeth. “That’s my worst fear.”

The words sent a flash of guilt through Phil, and he clenched his hands into fists at his sides. Nico was right. He _couldn’t_ leave him. He couldn’t abandon him just like his father had. He couldn’t make Nico scared and alone once more. They could get through this.

_They could get through this._

Nico whispered sweet words in his ear as he fucked him, words about how much Phil meant to him and how beautiful he looked. He told him that he was his, that he’d always belong to him, no matter what. He’d mark his words with a bright coloured hickey on Phil’s neck, claiming that it was to keep the other boys away. 

It took a long time to finish, and it took Phil even longer. Nico fell asleep almost right after, kissing Phil’s forehead and telling him that he’d see him in the morning. 

Phil could not fall asleep. His mind was racing, as it did, and he buried his face into the sheets to try and drown out his thoughts. 

It didn’t work, because the bedsheets smelled like Dan, which made Phil’s chest ache in the most unforgiving way. The numbness was starting to wear off, leaving behind a pain far sharper than Nico’s knife, or the slap to his face. Phil was silent as he cried, trying not to wake Nico, and let the tears stain the sheets instead. 

He didn’t understand what was happening. Why was Nico getting violent with him? He’d always had a violent streak, but he’d never actually _slapped_ Phil until that day. Why would he do something like that? 

Nico had always mentioned that he didn’t want to be like his father. And yet he’d _slapped_ Phil, just like Nico’s father had hit his mum. 

And why had Phil pushed Dan away? Dan, who’d always been there for Phil. Dan, who’d let Phil sleep on his couch for two weeks straight. He was Phil’s best friend, there was no doubt about that, and Phil showed his gratitude by kicking him out of his house. Some shitty friend Phil was. 

He needed to get out. He needed to get _away_. He was hyper-aware of Nico’s sleeping body beside him, the weight of him against the mattress, his tiny snores as he inhaled. Every time he moved, Phil twitched, his body seemingly unable to help it now. He needed to get _out_. 

As quietly as he could, he started to edge his way from underneath the covers. His eyes were trained on Nico, awaiting movement, trying not to wake him up. Nico didn’t move, and Phil could hear blood rushing through his ears. His feet touched the ground, the bed squeaking as he lifted himself up, and then a hand was reaching out and wrapping around his wrist. 

Phil flinched, trying to yank away from the touch. 

Nico’s grip only tightened. 

“Phil?” Nico asked, voice slurred from sleep. “Where are you off to?”

“Don’t fucking touch me,” Phil hissed, yanking his hand away with more force. He didn’t dare look into Nico’s eyes. He didn’t want to see the expression, didn’t want to feel guilty for being afraid of his own boyfriend. 

He didn’t want to feel guilty for needing to _leave_ , to abandon Nico the way his father had.

He started to walk towards the door. 

“Phil, what are you _doing_?” Nico asked loudly. He didn’t sound angry, more concerned. The bed creaked as he stood, and Phil opened the door. 

“Just get away from me,” Phil told him. His voice was more steady than he felt. He felt as if his world was crashing down, as if he wanted to sink into the Earth and forget his very own existence. 

Nico must have jogged over to him, because his hands were suddenly on Phil’s waist, and they _burned_. They burned, and Phil felt like he was going to be sick. He wanted to rip his skin off, wanted to scratch at his waist until his flesh was bloody and bruised. 

He’d never felt self-destructive before, but considering Nico had hit him only a couple of hours before, he figured today was a day of firsts. 

“Come back to bed, love. I’m not going to hurt you.” Nico’s voice was like honey and poison at the same time, but his touch was harsh. 

Phil didn’t try to stop himself when he tore away and began to run. He could hear Nico screaming at him to stop from behind him, but it was hard to listen to anything but the sound of his heart pounding in his ears. He felt like he was suffocating. He felt like he’d been poisoned to the bone. 

He ended up in the bathroom, the door shut and locked tightly behind him. Nico was pounding on the wood, voice quiet as he tried to get Phil to get out and speak to him. When Phil didn’t answer, he began screaming at him to get out and face him like a man. 

The door reverberated with each slam of his fist, and Phil feared it would break off it’s hinges. So he pressed his back to it, hoping it would keep Nico out a bit better. 

Is this what Nico’s father did to his kids? To his wife? Is this what had happened the night Nico’s mother called the cops and his father went to jail? He could almost imagine it now, the way Yvette was cowering in fear against the bathtub, holding her two kids as close as possible as she reached into her pocket to pull out her phone, much like Phil was doing right now.

His fingers trembled as he pulled the cell phone from his pocket, dialing familiar numbers. He tried to ignore the screaming in the background, tried to ignore his head screaming at him that Nico would _die_ without him, and instead focused on the ringing lullaby. 

The ringing stopped. “Hello?” 

“Mum,” Phil gasped, and it was then that he realised he was crying again. He didn’t bother wiping away his tears when nobody could see him anyways. 

“Honey?” His mum’s voice was concerned. She was probably ready to punch someone for Phil’s sake, probably ready to take the next train to London just for him. “What’s wrong? Who’s screaming?”

Phil didn’t know what to say. His boyfriend hit him? He was terrified of the man of his dreams? Said boyfriend was currently pounding on his door and demanding him to come out? He didn’t say those things. Instead he said, “Can I come stay with you for a while?”

“Of course you can, hun. What’s going on? Is everything okay?”

“Yeah,” Phil lied. He winced as Nico hit the door especially hard, knocking his head against the wood. “Nico and I are just fighting, and I figured my mum’s cooking can always ease the pain.”

His mum sounded even more worried, almost like she was holding herself back from forcing Phil to reveal his emotions right then and there. She didn’t pry though, and Phil was grateful for that. “You know you’re always welcome here, Philip. What about school?”

Ah yes, school. Phil didn’t think he was going to be able to attend tomorrow or the next day, or the day after that. Probably not even for the rest of the week. Thinking about it made his head hurt. 

“I haven’t missed any days until now. I’ll be alright,” he murmured, even though he was seriously considering just quitting his job and resigning from school. He wouldn’t tell his mum that, though. 

“Okay. I’ll see you soon. Hang in there, and I love you.” Nico’s screaming stopped but the banging didn’t. Phil smiled bitterly. 

“Love you too.” And then she was gone, unknowingly leaving her son with a man who scared him more and more each day. 

Phil felt dirty, his skin crawling. He was still naked, the remnants of sex and sweat clinging to his skin. His ears were ringing, the banging coming to an end at long last. Through the silence, Nico’s voice rang out, disappointed and upset. “Is this your way of breaking up with me?” Nico asked, voice more of a scoff than anything. “If so, this is pretty pathetic. It’s no wonder nobody loved you before me. You’re not good enough and you’ll never be good enough.”

Phil didn’t know what overcame him. His heart was beating so hard he feared it would burst out of his chest, and his hands were scratching at his thighs, leaving long red marks behind. In a flash, he was standing, banging both fists on the door just as Nico had done moments before. “Shut the fuck up!” he screamed at the top of his lungs through tears and sobs. “I love you, Nico, but you’re _scaring me._ I need some fucking time, okay?” 

Silence. 

And then, “Fine. You have three days. If you don’t contact me by then, I’m going to find someone else.”

 _Fuck you_! Phil wanted to scream. _You don’t get to control me anymore! I don’t need you!_ He screamed the words over and over in his head but couldn’t form them on his tongue. He screamed them in his head over and over again until the front door slammed shut and he was left a sobbing mess on the tile floor. 

Phil’s body took over then, and he crawled over to the shower, climbing inside of it. With shaking fingers and bleary eyes, he turned the water on, shivering as icy water poured onto his naked body. He turned the faucet to the highest level of heat, squeezing his eyes shut and biting his lip as the water burned him to the bone. 

There was no doubt in Phil’s mind that his skin was turning red with the temperature, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. It made him focus on something other than the pain in his chest, and that was all that mattered. 

With numb fingers, he grabbed the shampoo and squeezed too much into his hand. A little fell onto his thigh, and Phil watched the bubbles rinse down the drain as he lathered his hair. Soap was getting into his eyes, so he squeezed them tight and blindly grabbed the bar of soap to start scrubbing at his body. 

He scrubbed until his skin was rubbed raw, cracking and bleeding, but Phil still felt dirty. He could still feel Nico’s hands on his waist, his lips pressing against his neck, his fingers twining in his. He wanted to forget, he wanted to wash away all of his skin cells until there was no longer a part of him that had been touched by Nico. 

He wanted the past year of his life to wash down the drain with the soapy water. 


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so here, things get a bit different. I shouldn’t have to make a disclaimer, but I feel the need to otherwise people may call me a liar from here on out. this is based off of my own experiences. this does not mean that every person who was ever in an abusive relationship will go through the recovery process like this, but a lot of these situations were true events. If you want more information, please feel free to ask me! I am not opposed to answering your questions about my experiences (unless it spoils the story lmao). Now that that’s said, thanks to @snowbunnylester for editing this for me! The lyrics at the beginning of this fic are from the song Drown by Front Porch Step!
> 
> I've also started a new project, which is pretty cool! This project allows you to get perks, such as getting chapters or other fics a day earlier than anyone else, getting snippets of my works in progresses, or voting on what fic I work on next! If you want to read more about that project, you can read up about it on my tumblr [here](http://botanistlester.tumblr.com/post/166271680727/my-patreon-account) (:

_I'm mistreated and I’m torn. I am cold with no direction but I'm lost without your warmth. I'm trying hard to find some hope that I might get the chance to breathe. Get off my mind. Give back my heart and get the fuck away from me._

-

His mum’s house had always been a place of comfort for Phil. He liked the way the house smelled like candles all the time, something tropical and overall lovely. He liked the home cooked meals and the forehead kisses and how she insisted on tucking him into bed at night. He liked how his mum and dad kissed each other goodnight and how his father insisted on doing the chores if his mum cooked that night. 

It was exactly what he needed when he found himself standing in front of his childhood home on a Wednesday evening, an hour away from uni and his phone on silent. His mum had ushered him inside and given him the biggest bear hug she could muster, and then told him to get ready for dinner. She had cooked breakfast tacos, complete with eggs, red peppers, mushrooms, spinach, and salsa, and Phil found himself eating slowly despite the fact that it was one of his favourite meals. 

He was a bit down, obviously. He didn’t really know what was going on, and his skin was still rubbed raw from the shower he’d taken. There was a light bruise on his cheek, and his eyes hurt from crying so hard. He reckoned he would still be crying except for the fact that he had cried for about three hours already and couldn’t seem to do so any longer. 

If his mum noticed his ridiculously swollen eyes or his bruised cheek, she didn’t comment on them. 

After he finished his meal, he blurted it out. His phone buzzed in his hand, another text from Dan asking if he was okay, and his mum was washing the dishes. She was humming over the sound of the running water, completely oblivious to the thoughts clouding Phil’s mind, completely oblivious to the fact that he could barely fucking _feel_ anything anymore. 

Maybe he needed to apply to acting school, considering he could pretend he was a normal human being with emotions just like everybody else. 

But alas, he _had_ to make a comment. 

He didn’t know _why_ he said it. The subject hadn’t been on his mind at all in the first place, had never crossed his mind in any way, shape, or form. Yet as soon as it came out, he realised how true it was, how much he fucking _needed_ it. 

“I think I’m going to drop out of school.”

Everything stopped. 

Well, it didn’t actually, but Phil felt like it did. His heart stopped, his breathing stopped, his mum stopped washing the dishes. He kept his eyes trained on his hands which were folded together on the table. He was twiddling his thumbs mindlessly, gnawing on his bottom lip. He never was good at communication anymore.

Slowly, his mum turned to face him with questioning eyes full of concern. That’s what Phil liked about his mum. She was always so understanding and didn’t get mad at him for his decisions. She only wanted the best for him and was there to help whenever he needed it. He almost wanted to cry with relief. “Really? What’s brought this on? Last I heard, you loved your classes, so what’s changed?”

_Me_ , Phil thought bitterly. _I’m the one who’s changed_. But he didn’t say that. Instead, he said, “I just don’t think uni is for me anymore. I’m failing most of my courses and I’m just not enjoying myself.” He dropped his head to the table and groaned. “I just need some time away to figure out what I want to do with my life.”

It was silent between them for a split second. Phil squeezed his eyes shut, sure that she was going to be mad at him, even though she hardly ever got angry with him. How did he tell her that he wanted to drop out of school because he couldn’t bear the thought of seeing Nico on campus? That he simply couldn’t handle it? He would surely be a disappointment. She would never understand.

A warmth on Phil’s shoulder made him shoot his head around to stare at his mum in wonderment. She had a hand on his shoulder which was squeezing tightly, and her blue eyes were soft and full of understanding. This perplexed Phil. Why wasn’t she yelling? Why wasn’t she screaming at Phil about how much of a disappointment he was and how he needed to stay in school? Why did she look as if she were staring straight into his soul at all of the insecurities and uncertainties tainting him?

“You don’t have to talk about it in depth if you don’t want to. I know that talking about these sorts of things can be hard, and I trust you and your decisions.” She rubbed his shoulders, massaging them with her thumbs. It was so comforting that Phil melted into the touch like butter. “You don’t have to make the decision to drop out of school right now. It’s a huge decision and you’re allowed to stay here for as long as you need. But if you decide to go through with it, then you know that I’ll be here with you every step of the way.” She leant down and kissed his cheek, a soft flutter against clammy skin. “I love you and nothing is ever going to change that, Phil.”

Phil wiped at his eyes, expecting them to be wet, but pleasantly finding them to be completely dry. He still felt as though his heart was heavy, as though he had too much emotion dwelling there that he needed to get out. He needed to cry. He needed to release the numbness inside of him. But he couldn’t, no matter how bad he needed it, no matter how hard he tried.

He stood and instead took his mum into his arms, wrapping his arms around her waist and giving a big squeeze. “Thank you,” he said, and his voice was all choked up as though he _had_ been crying. “I love you too, mum.”

They breathed each other in for a few long moments. Phil could feel himself relaxing into his mum’s embrace. After all, mothers always knew how to calm their children down when they were sad. 

When Phil could finally breathe again, his mum pulled away, taking both of his cheeks in her hands and smiling softly. “What do you say we go for an ice cream?” she asked gently. 

Phil nodded. He wouldn’t say no to an offer like that. 

And then, before he could stop himself, he was blurting out more words that he hadn’t even considered before. Words that he didn’t know he meant until they came out of his mouth. “I want to get pierced.”

His mum raised her eyebrows and stared levelly at him. Her face was carefully wiped free of emotion so Phil couldn’t tell what she was thinking in the slightest. 

“Is that so? What do you want to get done?”

Phil chewed on the side of his mouth, picking at the skin and trying to make up his mind. He had thoughts running through his head, ones that he couldn’t get out no matter how hard he tried to stop them. 

_She looked like a bull._

_Tongue piercings are for sluts._

Phil closed his eyes. “I want my septum and tongue pierced.”

“Both?” his mum asked. He braced himself. “Wouldn’t that hurt?”

“Probably.”

Phil’s mum sighed and patted his cheek. “Well, you’re an adult now so I can’t stop you. We’ll get them done tomorrow morning, alright? Sound okay?”

Phil nodded and couldn't help himself from nuzzling into her warm touch. He let his eyes flutter shut and relaxed into the gentle caress. At the moment, it seemed as though she were the only warmth in the cold world, like she was the only spot of light in the darkness. 

Except, she didn’t know anything about his situation. She didn’t know what he was going through, she didn’t know what Nico had done to him or how Phil felt as though he was literally falling apart at the seams. How he felt like less of a person, how he felt as though nothing was real, that nothing truly mattered anymore. Why did he feel like this? Nico was just a boy. Phil had _never_ been so empty after a breakup, had always told himself he wouldn’t allow himself to get so down just because of a relationship. So why did he feel like this? Why couldn’t he pick himself up? 

And then he reminded himself, reminded himself that Nico was the only person who would ever truly love him. Reminded himself that he was useless, that everything was pointless if he didn’t have Nico’s approval. He couldn’t possibly leave, because then Nico would become a monster, someone that Phil couldn’t love, and that was out of the question. 

He went to sleep that night with cotton wool in his throat and disruptive thoughts running through his mind. He stared at the glow in the dark stars on his ceiling, willing himself to fall asleep. It was difficult. No matter how hard he tried, sleep would not come to him. After a while of trying, he sighed and reached over to the nightstand, grabbing his cell phone. He hadn’t looked at it properly since he left his apartment yesterday, scared about what he would find displayed. 

Nibbling on his lip harshly, he unlocked the device, squinting as it lit up like the goddamn sun. The screen displayed that he had seven missed calls, two new voicemails, and twenty unread texts. He felt bile rise in his throat and swallowed to push the feeling away. He resisted the urge to toss his phone across the room, anxiety making his hands shake, and instead forced himself to open the calls first.

There were two calls from Dan, one from Chandler, and four from Nico. One of the voicemails was from Dan and the other was from Nico, and Phil didn’t hesitate to delete both of them. He didn’t think he could handle listening to them at this point in time without throwing up everywhere.

Next, he made himself open each text message, one by one. There were precisely three from Chandler asking if he was okay because he hadn’t shown up for work in two days and the managers were getting pissed at him. She then asked if there was anything going on with him and Nico because apparently Nico had called her asking if she knew where Phil was. Phil responded and told her that he was okay and just going through a rough time. He didn’t tell her the details because she didn’t need to know. She probably wouldn’t believe what he told her anyway.

There were two messages from Cleo asking why he hadn’t shown up to work and warning him that if he didn’t show up again that he would lose his job. Phil didn’t respond. He would show up to work after he went out with his mum tomorrow and he would smile and pretend like everything was okay despite the emptiness in his chest. It wasn’t a big deal. 

Both Nico and Dan’s text messages were the hardest to open by far. He took several deep breaths before clicking on Dan’s name. The little sushi emoji next to his name haunted him and he squeezed his eyes shut while the messages loaded. 

They were all probably about how Phil was an asshole and how he never wanted to speak to him again. Trying to still his anxious thoughts, Phil opened his eyes and willed his brain to make sense of the words swimming across his vision

**Dan Howell**

_I know you’re probably worried that I’m mad at you but I’m not_

_I’m just worried about you, Phil_

_Can you respond so I know you’re okay at least?_

_Just one word so I know he didn’t kill you?_

_Ok that was harsh I’m sorry_

_Please text me back_

_I just want you to be okay and I’m here for you if you need to talk_

The messages weren’t nearly as bad as Phil had suspected they would be, and it made the thrum in his chest tighten to a dull buzz. It was surprising that Dan seemed to still care about him, even though he’d kicked Dan out of his house, but it was refreshing nonetheless. He willed himself to respond, even though he didn’t know what to say. He just needed Dan to know that he was okay, that he wasn’t dead, since Dan was so obviously worried about him. He didn’t like to make his friends worry about him unnecessarily. 

**Phil Lester - 10:34pm**

_At mum’s_. 

Dan responded immediately with a series of relieved emojis, as well as a few random animal ones. It was so friendly that it made Phil’s dry eyes begin to wetten. 

He willed the unneeded tears away and turned his attention to Nico’s texts. The nauseous feeling began to arise again, his heart beating erratically in his chest. He wanted to throw up. He wanted to throw his phone. He wanted to never talk to Nico again. But he knew that if he didn’t, he would always wonder what Nico had said to him. With that, Phil clicked on the messages. 

**Nico Caragen**

_I miss you_

_I love you_

_I’m sorry_

_Went by your flat today and you werent there. Where are you?_

_Hello????_

_Chandler doesnt know where you are either. Be nice if you could answer._

_Are you with Dan_

_Stop ignoring me_

A cold feeling trickled through Phil’s bloodstream, freezing his body. He felt as though his entire body was slowly being overcome with dread. He didn’t like it one bit, but he also didn’t know how to stop it from happening. With the new information that Nico was looking for him engraved into his mind, he shut his phone off and set it back on the nightstand, making a very grown up decision to continue ignoring Nico. 

Phil didn’t know what to do about Nico yet. Nico had given him three days to make his decision or else he would find someone else, and while part of Phil was screaming at him to run right back into Nico’s arms, the other part was telling him to get as far away as possible. 

So he just wouldn’t answer right now. He would wait until the very last minute to wrap his head around these matters, and then he would force himself to make a decision. Not exactly the healthiest thing to do, but what could he say? Procrastinating was his specialty.

-

Phil had weird dreams that night. 

The sky was completely white in his dreams, jet black clouds disrupting the blank canvas above. It was raining. The purple raindrops stained his clothes and his cheeks like paint-filled tears. It splattered on the yellow ground like blood, sinking into every crack and crevice it could find until the entire ground was a disgusting brown colour. A flower bloomed from the ground, the petals a dark green, the stem a bright blue. When he closed his eyes, a pair of red eyes flashed across his vision, gold stars interrupting the darkness behind his eyelids. 

They almost looked like freckles. 

When morning came, it felt as though Phil had been hit by a freight train. His eyes were nearly glued shut with sleep, and there was a pounding in his head that wouldn’t go away. 

He took a shower and tried to wash away his bad thoughts, the part of him that told him to call Nico and tell him that he was sorry and that he should have never broken up with him. It was day two, and Phil could feel Nico slipping away through his fingertips. 

He didn't bother straightening his hair. Even after nearly ten hours of sleep, Phil still felt so exhausted that he couldn't even do his regular self care routines. Instead, he chose his battles and decided to put on actual clothing rather than pyjamas. He wore the darkest thing he could find, feeling that it reflected his mood rather well; back skinny jeans, an old black Metallica shirt, and a plain black jumper that made him feel as if he were going to a funeral. But that was okay, because he felt as though a part of him had died anyway. Just like the part of Nico who loved Phil had died just two nights ago.

Today was the day Phil’s mum was taking him to get pierced. He should’ve be nervous that he was willingly putting holes in his body, but he wasn't. He should’ve be horrified that he was even considered doing something Nico didn't like, but he wasn't. 

Instead, he didn't feel anything at all. Where regular emotion should be was just an empty hole and a desire to crawl back under his covers for the rest of the day. 

Phil didn't do that though, because his mum would question him, and he didn't want that. He didn't want to tell her that he'd freaked out on Nico and had broken up with him over something so minuscule and accidental. He didn't want to tell her that it took him approximately one second to go from being completely and utterly in love, to being terrified for his life for no good reason. It was embarrassing and not something mothers should hear about. 

When Phil was finished with his self loathing, he made his way downstairs and found his mum cooking pancakes. She grinned at him and her smile could have made flowers bloom. It almost made Phil's heart ache with how much he meant to her. 

"I've made you breakfast, dear," she said, putting her hand on Phil's shoulder. He leaned down and allowed her to press a kiss to his forehead, making him feel like he used to when he was a child. It was slightly relaxing. "That way you don't pass out when you put a needle through your skin!" 

Phil chuckled, but it wasn't as cheery as it normally would be. If his mum noticed, she didn't comment, instead going back over to the stove and scooping his pancakes onto a plate. He sat on one of the barstools and smiled slightly as she drizzled lemon juice and powdered sugar on the cakes before setting them in front of him. 

"Well, what are you waiting for?" she admonished when he took a moment to begin eating. "Dig in!" 

Truth be told, Phil wasn't very hungry. In fact, he hadn't been hungry since the incident. Every time he tried to shove food down his throat, he felt as though he would puke it back up, but he did his best, swallowing some water to help the food go down easier until his plate was empty. It felt as though he'd eaten a rock and not a few pancakes.

Soon enough, they were ready to go, and Phil already regretted leaving the house. He wished he’d just taken the chance to lay in bed for a few days, but alas, his mum was pushing him into the car and blasting Lady Gaga over the speakers until his head was pounding even more. 

That was how the drive to the tattoo shop went, continuing on until he was sure his head was just going to split open. At that point, he wasn’t even sure if he would mind that. He lowkey just wanted to get it over with and die already. 

But sadly death wasn't an option, and he found himself at the tattoo shop far too many long minutes later. 

The music in the shop was almost as bad as it had been in his mum's car, loud and heavy with screeching guitars and screaming voices. It was angry, like Phil was feeling, but it didn't soothe his migraine in the slightest. The employees in the shop looked just like your stereotypical tattoo artists. 

Every one of their bodies were covered with tattoos. One woman had a dimple piercing, and another man had holes in his ears so big that Phil would probably be able to stick his whole fist in there. But they seemed nice enough, grinning at him as soon as the bell above the door chimed with their entrance. 

"Welcome to Free Hand Body Art!" the woman with the dimple piercing sang. She had lips that were painted a dark brown colour, and Phil liked it a lot against her pale skin tone. "What can we help you with?" 

Phil didn't have time to be embarrassed that he'd arrived with his mother before she was speaking up on his behalf. He wasn't upset though. He felt rather grateful instead, his voice having died in his throat and anxiety finally dwelling in his stomach. It wasn't the best of feelings, but at least it was something. "My son wants to get his tongue and septum pierced, if that's alright," Phil's mum told them confidently, and he really appreciated how cool she really was. 

"Is he over eighteen?" the woman asked, shuffling through a stack of papers on the counter. Looking closer, the counter was made of glass, a display case that showed many different types of piercings. Phil appreciated the variety. 

"I'm twenty," Phil told her, running a hand through his scruffy fringe. He was starting to regret not straightening his hair, only because it always bothered him when he didn't do so. 

The woman nodded and took out a piece of paper from a folder. She grabbed a pen, scribbled something, and then handed it over to Phil. “Just fill this out for me and I’ll go grab Jace.” 

On it was a bunch of safety questions concerning body piercings; making sure he was old enough, asking if he’d eaten that day, asking if he was pregnant. He filled it out quickly, his handwriting sloppier than usual, and signed it with a scribble. 

His mum was quiet next to him, watching over his shoulder, being the supportive person that Phil knew and loved. He was eternally thankful to have her as a mother. “Are you absolutely positive you wanna do this?” she asked quietly, not trying to sway him in one way or another. She was going to support his decision no matter what.

Phil just nodded. “I’m sure,” he told her, even though he _wasn’t_. 

He knew that this was going to piss Nico off beyond belief, knew that there was a chance that Nico wouldn’t want to be with Phil anymore if he did this, but, Phil realized, maybe that was the point. Maybe Phil wanted to hurt Nico just as much as he’d hurt him.

He finished the form just in time for a man to enter the room. He had black tattoos all down his arms which looked nice against his dark skin. There were snakebites in his lip, and he had a little stud in his nose. His hazel eyes looked Phil up and down before his lips twisted up in a smirk. “I’m Jace,” he said, holding his hand out to shake. 

Phil stood up, feeling slightly awkward. This man was _very_ much attractive, and he was always horribly clumsy around extremely attractive people. He managed to stand up without tripping over his own feet for once, shaking Jace’s hand. “Nice to meet you,” he said quietly. “I’m Phil.” 

“So I heard you want your septum and tongue pierced?” Jace asked, to which Phil nodded his head. “Cool. You ever get pierced before?” Phil shook his head no. Jace clapped his hands together, smiling widely. “Great! Come on back and I’ll get everything ready.” 

Turns out, ‘getting everything ready’ meant preparing the needles, preparing the piercings, and making Phil hop up on a chair. Jace made small talk while he got everything prepared, talking about how his day was, what his animals names were, hell, even what he’d had for _lunch_. He was just a very talkative guy and Phil felt slightly guilty that he was the opposite. 

It was nice though, and Jace didn’t seem to mind that Phil was virtually silent.

Eventually, Jace got out a clamp and told Phil to hold still. Phil obeyed, and Jace clamped it to his septum, explaining that it was supposed to help the needle go in straight. He then picked up the needle and Phil braced himself. 

“You ready?” Jace asked, and Phil gave a hum of confirmation. He held as still as possible as Jace pushed the needle through his nose. It hurt like a bitch, enough to make Phil’s eyes water, but it wasn’t as bad as he was originally expecting. Maybe that was also because his whole body was still numb though, weirdly enough.

Jace screwed in the piercing and dabbed at his bleeding nose with some cotton wool. He explained the washing procedure and how Phil should be washing his piercing with salt water a couple of times per day. He explained how with the tongue piercing, Phil should be swishing salt water in his mouth for ten to fifteen seconds no more than twice per day. 

Phil listened with a numb kind of detachment, and prayed he’d remember Jace’s instructions later. 

Then they moved onto actually doing the tongue piercing. It was the same general idea. Clamp, needle, jewelry. This piercing didn’t hurt nearly as bad, but Phil suspected that he was going to have trouble talking for a couple of days due to swelling. Jace told him that he shouldn’t be giving anyone oral sex any time soon, and gave Phil a wink which was a tad strange. 

But who was he to complain if an attractive piercer wanted to flirt with him? 

“How you feeling?” Jace asked when it was all over. Phil watched as he threw away the soiled needles, feeling his tongue and nose throbbing with a dull pain. 

Phil shrugged. “Fine,” he said nonchalantly. 

Jace beamed at him and told him to go look in the mirror. Phil did, and he lost his breath for a moment because he almost didn’t recognise himself. A guy with messy black hair and a hardcore ring in his nose glared back at him, and that certainly wasn’t _him_. He could never be that cool. 

“It looks really good,” Phil slurred, his tongue piercing feeling a bit strange in his mouth. He smiled. Nico was going to _hate_ this. 

“I’m glad my work was up to par,” Jace teased, giving Phil a toothy smile. He was so cute that Phil felt his head go a bit fuzzy. Maybe he wasn’t nearly as cute as _Nico_ but… he was still up there. “I have to say, those piercings do suit you quite a bit. You look really hot.” 

Phil smiled back, feeling a bit like he was made out of plastic. Usually, he would be blushing and denying the sentiment, but he still felt a bit strange after everything that had happened. Kind of like he was a zombie thirsting for blood. Even worse, he felt like a shell of what he used to be, like someone had carved out his heart and stomped it right into the ground. 

“Not as hot as you,” Phil flirted back, giving Jace a little smirk. 

The words, much like his request to quit school and get pierced, were out of his mouth before Phil could properly register the fact that he was about to say them. Almost immediately, he was overcome with disgust for himself. What the fuck was he _doing_? He’d _just_ broken up with Nico and he still wasn’t even sure if they _were_ broken up for certain, and yet here he was, being a little slut like Nico had named him. 

Before Phil could even think of taking the words back, he looked at Jace and found that his whole had lit up like the sun. When he smiled, he was certainly very pretty and definitely deserved better than what Phil could offer him. 

And yet, he was grabbing a pen and scribbling a number on the back of Phil’s hand. “I beg to differ. Give me a call, yeah? I’d love to hear from you.” 

Phil agreed, but he felt sick to his stomach as he did so. He knew he was going to call Jace. Not because he really _wanted_ to, but because he was a fucking slut and suddenly had the desire to _destroy_. 

Destroy everything and everyone that got in his way, just like Nico had destroyed him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! Lemme know what you think in the comments below! Also don't forget to check out that cool project [here](http://botanistlester.tumblr.com/post/166271680727/my-patreon-account) :D


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So i had to split chapter 14 into two different parts because otherwise this chapter was going to be literally 8k words long and I didn’t want that, so that means that I had to bump up the number of chapters yaaay (uggghh). thanks to @snowbunnylester for editing this for me! The lyrics at the beginning of this fic are from the song Misanthropic Drunken Loner by Days N Daze!
> 
> I've also started a new project, which is pretty cool! This project allows you to get perks, such as getting chapters or other fics a day earlier than anyone else, getting snippets of my works in progresses, or voting on what fic I work on next! If you want to read more about that project, you can read up about it on my tumblr here (:

_I feel like we're playing tug of war and i'm the rope and i'm stretched to the limit but you keep on pulling it. I'm gonna lose my god damned mind._

_-_

Three days passed before Phil decided to suck it up and go back to his own apartment. By then, the swelling of his tongue had gone down enough that he could finally talk properly, and his phone already had another twenty-two missed calls. 

It had been four days since Nico had left. Four days since he had told Phil that he had three days to make a decision. Four days since Nico had left Phil crying on the shower floor with a bruise on his cheek and a shattered heart. 

The fact of the matter was that Phil didn’t actually feel ready to go back home. He didn’t want to see the place where Nico had spent hours per day lounging on his couch or sleeping in his bed. He didn’t want to see the items Nico had forgotten, strewn across his floor. He didn’t want to lay in his bed and smell the musky, flowery scent of Nico left on his sheets. He didn’t want to arrive at a place where Nico had promised him he would find someone else if Phil didn’t decide to come back to him in three days. 

His mum had kissed him on the cheek and sent him off with a bag of freshly-baked cookies, completely unaware of his inner turmoil. She had told him to call her if he needed anything and to let her know if or when he decided to drop out of class (little did she know, he had already done so the night he had suggested the idea). 

When he’d left his mum’s, though, he’d thought he could do it. He’d thought he could unlock his door and walk inside as if it were nothing. He’d thought he could lay on the couch with a bag of crisps and horrible reruns of _New Girl_ and forget that the last year with Nico had ever happened. 

But he soon found out that he just couldn’t do it.

His apartment building loomed over him, tall and seeming like it was just _waiting_ to eat him up. He hadn’t even gotten to his own door before he’d begun to shake, his feet glued to the spot. He couldn’t do it, couldn’t _move_ no matter how hard he tried to. There was a bitter taste raising in his throat, his forehead was beginning to sweat, and he was certain that he was _going to puke._

Just then, his phone buzzed in his pocket and he drew it out with quivering fingers. Dan’s name flashed across his screen, and he didn’t even think about it before he unlocked his phone and dialed Dan’s number. 

The phone rang once before Dan answered, voice both urgent and concerned. “Hello? Phil?”

Phil took a deep, shaky breath. He didn’t know if it was a good idea to call Dan yet, but it was better than nothing. He just hoped Dan didn’t hate him enough to deny him company in this trying time. 

“I know that you probably hate me after everything that’s happened, but I just got home and I’m standing outside of my flat and I can’t- I can’t _do it_ ,” he rambled, his words coming out in a quick succession of breath. “I keep thinking about how much time Nico has spent with me there and I feel sick and I want to go inside but I physically _can’t_. I want- I don’t-!” He cut himself off because he was breathing too hard to formulate any other words. It was like his chest had suddenly restricted and he couldn’t _breathe._

 _“_ Phil? Phil, take some deep breaths,” Dan said quietly, his voice sounding tinny and detached through the phone. “In through your nose, out through your mouth. I’m not mad at you, I’m still here for you whenever you need me, okay?” Phil nodded, even though Dan couldn’t see him. He tried to breathe, to get himself to settle down, but it was the hardest thing he’d ever had to do in his life. “Do you need me to come over? You don’t have to tackle this alone.”

Phil nodded again, a tiny sob escaping his throat. “Y-yes ple-ease.”

“I’ll be right over, okay? I’m gonna get off the phone now so I can get over there.”

“No!” Phil shouted before he could stop himself. He shivered, taking another deep breath before he could start hyperventilating again. “Can y-you stay on the phone w-with me?” 

He heard Dan let out a sad sounding chuckle that wasn’t really a chuckle at all. Instead, Dan sounded rather sad when he laughed. Phil didn’t like that at all. He felt as though he was the cause for this. Or even worse, he felt as though maybe Dan didn’t even want to talk to him anymore, and that’s why he’d done such an awkward laugh. “Of course. I won’t hang up the phone.” Phil was grateful for that, even though he probably didn’t deserve the amount of kindness after everything he’d put Dan through. 

But true to his word, Dan stayed on the phone with him. Even if they weren’t speaking the entire time, Phil enjoyed his company. The sound of Dan’s breathing calmed him down a considerable amount, made it so Phil’s quivering ceased just slightly. Phil kind of disconnected. He could see, could hear, but he couldn’t really focus on anything. The only thing he could truly focus on was the door to his flat and how it was so close, so familiar, but with a strange darkness that he couldn’t really put his finger on it. 

Before he knew it, Dan was there beside him, putting an arm around his shoulders. He was a warmth amidst the coolness of the morning breeze, the safety net that Phil wasn’t entirely sure he deserved. It was with that that Phil came back to reality, shaking his head and looking up at Dan to see that Dan was smiling softly at him.

“We can do this,” Dan told him. 

His voice a promise, and the words were the first and only words Dan had spoken to him in person since Phil had kicked him out. He didn’t mention the past, Phil’s new piercings, _or_ even why Phil was having a break down in front of his flat. Instead, he was soothing, trying to coax Phil into tackling this hurdle. Together. 

“You ready to do this with me? I won’t leave your side.”

Phil hesitated, Dan’s assurances ringing through his ears. Dan wasn’t leaving. Dan was right there. He didn’t have to enter his home by himself. Dan was there. 

Slowly, he nodded his head. “Ready as I’ll ever be,” he breathed, feeling a bit dizzy. 

Actually going inside was a slow process. Phil cried. _A lot_. Dan had to rub his back and tell him that Nico wasn’t inside, that Phil didn’t have to see him anymore. He didn’t know whether he was glad or _sad_ that Nico wasn’t there. He didn’t know whether he wanted to even see him, but something in him yearned for Nico. 

He wondered what would happen if Nico showed up on his doorstep; if he would run away screaming or fall into his arms. For some reason, Phil reckoned he would do the latter.

Phil put the lock into the doorknob, but he didn’t twist it yet. He took some deep breaths. In, out, in out. He swore he could already smell the lingering scent of Nico in the air. His mind was playing tricks on him, telling him all about the time where Nico had pressed him against the door and kissed the fuck out of him, at least until their neighbour had walked past and told them to at least go inside. They had laughed so much then, but now, Phil’s lungs felt restricted, like he could hardly breathe, and he swayed a little on his feet as he finally turned the lock to get out of his headspace.

As soon as he entered the flat, Phil’s chest got tight. He could see memories of Nico all the way from his front door. There was a shirt on the couch that belonged to Nico, there was a dish of banana bread they’d baked together sitting on the counter, even a framed picture of he and Nico wearing matching Pokemon shirts. He could smell the musky scent of Nico lingering in the air, as though it was never going to go away, and Phil went to light a candle before remembering that Nico had given him the Pumpkin Pie candle sitting atop his window sill, and he stopped himself in his tracks. 

There was too much. It was too much. 

“I’m going to be sick,” Phil gasped before he was bolting to the bathroom, Dan hot on his tail. 

He didn’t throw up. 

For that, he was thankful. Instead, he was sweaty, and cold, and he couldn’t stop spitting up in the toilet, trying to expel _something_ from his stomach. Dan rubbing his back the whole time and held a cold towel to the back of his neck, but it only helped slightly. How pathetic could he be, nearly puking because he’d walked into his own home? 

“I’m sorry,” Phil whimpered into the toilet. He was practically hugging the appliance, his arms resting on the seat and his forehead resting atop his arms. 

He didn’t have to look to know that Dan was shaking his head. Perhaps Phil just knew him that well now that he could predict his actions before he did them. He could also guess Dan’s next words, which were, “You have nothing to be sorry for.” 

But the fact of the matter was that Phil _did_ have to be sorry. Dan didn’t deserve this. He deserved better than Phil. He shouldn’t have to spend his weekend taking care of a twenty-year old man who was just going through a bad break up. It was just a _break up_ , for God’s sake! They happened all the time, and yet Phil was acting as if he’d just been shot! 

Phil wiped his mouth on the back of his hand and attempted to stand up. He didn’t know how long he’d been on his knees in front of the toilet, only knew that it must have been a long time from the way his knees cracked 

“Alright. Okay. I think I should be fine. Let’s just… watch the telly or something.” 

“Are you sure you’re up for it?” Dan asked quietly, brushing Phil’s hair out of his face. He didn’t flinch when Phil slapped his hand away, didn’t even look phased. Maybe he understood Phil better than he’d originally thought. 

“I want to be normal,” Phil told him, putting the damp towelette on the counter and beginning to walk to the lounge. “I want to go back to how things were before _he_ poisoned my home.” 

Except Phil didn’t remember how things used to be. He could only remember vague things; he liked to sing even though he was horrible at it, he enjoyed school and had wanted to be an English teacher one day, he liked to write stories, he liked to wear v-necks and tank tops because he liked the way they felt against his skin...

He didn’t really sing anymore, not even in the shower. He’d dropped out of school and honestly didn’t see much of a future for himself, so he didn’t write much anymore either. And he _certainly_ didn’t wear v-necks or tank tops, instead sticking to unflattering band shirts, baggy jumpers, and jeans. 

Why had he changed so much in such a short period of time, and why couldn’t he remember how he acted before all of this? Why couldn’t he remember how to be _himself_? Why couldn’t he remember what being happy without Nico was?

Dan didn’t argue anymore. He merely nodded and helped Phil get back to the living room with one hand hovering comfortingly behind Phil’s back but never actually touching. It was both uncomfortable and nice, so Phil didn’t say anything, merely collapsing on the couch the second he and Dan reached the front of it. Of course, that’s when a loud knock sounded at the door. Phil gave Dan an alarmed stare, his heart sinking to his knees. He hadn’t been expecting anyone else. 

Only a single thought ran through his head as his heart started pounding so loud he could feel it thrumming throughout his body. 

_He hadn’t locked the door_.

Standing, Phil shifted to move quickly towards the door, to lock it, to lock out whoever was there, afraid to find out who it might _be_. He didn’t want to deal with anyone, _especially_ if that someone was someone he didn’t welcome here. Because the thing was, he knew exactly who it was. The only person who didn’t let him know ahead of time before showing up was Nico, the same Nico who made Phil’s entire body shake, who made Phil’s head so loud he couldn’t think. 

But before he could get to the door, the knob turned, the door was pushed open, and there in the threshold stood the angriest man that Phil had ever seen. 

_Nico._

Rage was coming off of him in the form of flames. His green eyes held venom that choked Phil, making him unable to _breathe_. His curly hair was wild, more out of place than Phil had ever seen, and his muscles were practically _bulging_ through his shirt, even though he wasn’t even that fit. His hands were clenched into fists at his sides and his nostrils were flared, and Phil completely shrunk under his gaze.

He could see Dan get up out of the corner of his eye, could see the way Nico’s eyes immediately flicked over to Dan, his face getting ever angrier. Phil didn’t want to be here. He shouldn’t have come back. He should have stayed at his mum’s for much longer, until Nico had forgotten who he was, until Phil couldn’t remember the way his name sounded coming from pretty pink lips.

Pretty pink lips that had the power to _destroy_ him. 

Nico shut the door behind him. The sound made Phil wince and cave in on himself a little bit. He was shivering, quaking in his shoes, and he didn’t really know when he had gotten so afraid of Nico, but suddenly he couldn’t _stop._ When Nico laughed, his head thrown back, his voice booming through the unfamiliar familiarness of the room, Phil’s lungs nearly collapsed.

“So this is what you’ve been up to, huh?” Nico asked, his tone quiet and icy cold. His eyes flickered between Phil and Dan, his lips screwing up in a nasty frown. “As soon as I leave, you find another man to fuck? I suppose that’s what sluts do, though. They just fuck and fuck until they can’t anymore.” It seemed then that Nico zeroed in on the piercing in Phil’s nose, one that was suddenly so heavy that Phil imagined he could barely lift his head up anymore. 

Nico made a disgusted noise. “A septum piercing? Seriously? I didn’t think you could get even _more_ ugly, but I proved myself wrong.” 

Phil’s eyes burned at the words, and he sniffled. He felt filthy, disgusting. How could he have ever believed Nico thought he was beautiful? Of course he wasn’t, but Nico had loved him anyway, and Phil had been so lucky... He clenched his teeth shut so he didn’t open his mouth and show off the other piercing hidden inside. He couldn’t believe he’d let himself _do_ something like this, that he’d knowingly gone behind Nico’s back to get something that Nico obviously hated. 

Now Nico would never want him again.

Phil didn’t get a chance to speak up and reply, however, as Dan spoke up before him. For once, Phil actually let him speak. He didn’t want to kick Dan out again. He didn’t want to let him go. For a single moment, Phil wanted to cling onto him, to never let him go. 

“You’re pathetic, you know that?” Dan said coolly, crossing his arms over his chest. Phil couldn’t look at either of them anymore, so he just stared at his socked feet, at how one sock had hot sauce on it and the other had lemons. “You can’t just barge in here and badmouth Phil like that. You’re not welcome here anymore. Phil’s allowed to do what he wants now. And I’m _pretty_ sure that he doesn’t want _you_ here.” 

Phil didn’t need to look at Nico to know that he was probably preparing for murder. He didn’t need to look to know the exact expression that showed on his face right then. The way that his eyes narrowed, how his mouth screwed up in a nasty snarl, how he seemed to loom over them despite his short stature. Phil kept his eyes on the ground, even as Nico spoke. 

Phil’s vision began to swim a bit. He hated himself. He hated that he was so scared of the man that he was so in love with. He hated that he was considering abandoning Nico just like Nico’s father abandoned him. He hated that he felt crazy, like he was torn between two feelings - longing and fear - and it was quite literally making him question his own sanity. He was a mess, and anybody could clearly see that.

“Is that so?” Nico asked, his voice strangely calm to anybody’s ears but Phil’s. To Phil, that tone was menacing. That tone meant he was _planning_ something. “Then why don’t you let _him_ tell me that?” 

Phil flinched. He couldn’t see the ground anymore through the tears welling in his eyes. His throat felt like it was clogged with cotton wool and there was _no way_ he would be able to speak. 

“Well, Phil?” Nico asked him, and he stepped closer, much to Phil’s dismay. “Are you gonna tell me to leave? That you don’t want me anymore? That you don’t _love_ me anymore?”

Before Phil could stop himself, he was shaking his head no. It was like his body had a mind of it’s own, one that he couldn’t control or sway in the slightest. As soon as he heard the word ‘love’, it was like his body went on autopilot and he automatically wanted to scream at the top of his lungs how much he loved Nico, how much he wanted to _be_ with him. 

He turned to Dan, keeping his eyes low. “Can you let us have a minute?” he asked quietly, a tremor in his voice that shouldn’t have been there. What was he afraid of? Why was he afraid? It was just Nico. He just had to prove to Nico that he was good, that he was worth continuing to love.

“Are you sure that’s safe?” Dan murmured back, putting a soothing hand on Phil’s shoulder that Nico scoffed at. “I don’t want him to ruin you.”

Phil shrugged. 

_Too late_ , his mind whispered. 

“I’ll be okay,” he said out loud. 

For a moment, it didn’t look like Dan believed him. He studied Phil’s face carefully, intently, eyes soft but piercing. Phil refused to look at him, shoulders hunched forward, body curled inward, and he knew he didn’t look convincing, and yet, still, Dan finally sighed, and agreed with a short glare sent Nico’s way. 

“I’ll just be in the other room,” Dan declared, watching Phil for another moment before he turned and made his way into the other room, leaving Phil alone with the love of his life and his worst enemy.

Phil was completely unsure of how to act around Nico now, like an empty shell, so he just stood, and he waited. 


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for this chapter are violence (a hole punched in the wall), slut shaming, verbal abuse, manipulation. this chapter went down a bit differently than it happened irl, but i did base this off of a real experience id learned about from a friend. The way this part of my story went down involved self harm and multiple people telling me to kill myself, and i really did not want to put that sort of thing into this fic because i dont think i could write about that in detail tbh. thanks to @snowbunnylester for editing this for me! The lyrics at the beginning of this fic are from the song The Summer by Citizen!

_I watched you burn and I felt it. You’re spitting words like you’re someone else. And I watched you run, I was screaming and following you down._

\- 

“It’s been four days,” Nico told Phil, making him cringe and gnaw harshly at his lip. 

“Yeah,” Phil agreed. He swallowed, tried again. “It has.” That wasn’t what he’d wanted to say at all. What he’d meant to ask was if Nico had found someone else in the meantime, if he’d found someone who was actually worth his while. If he’d found someone _better_. 

He didn’t want Nico to have found someone better. He wanted Nico to love him and _only him_. He wanted to be Nico’s one and only, but- wait. Didn’t Phil _want_ him to leave? Didn’t he want Nico to pack his shit up and never look at him again? There was a bruise on Phil’s cheek and a dull ache in Phil’s chest, and _shit_ , what should he do? What should he _do_? What could anyone do in this sort of situation?

Nico let out a chuckle of disbelief, shaking his head. He sounded so mad at Phil, so disappointed, that Phil felt nausea raise in his throat once more. “I have to admit, I didn’t exactly think you’d find someone else so quickly. Or that you’d… change your _appearance_.” Nico grimaced at this, and Phil grimaced too. He didn’t think Nico had noticed his tongue piercing yet, but clearly, the nose ring had been enough 

“Dan is just a friend,” Phil told him. “I couldn’t replace you that quickly.” Phil froze, realising how that sounded. It sounded as though Phil had decided to break up with Nico, and that wasn’t what he’d wanted to come across as. He still was unsure of what he wanted, but he knew that he could never truly replace Nico. With _anyone_.

For a split second, Nico went completely silent. Phil held his breath, wishing more than anything in the world that he could just disappear. He couldn’t deal with this right now. He didn’t think he could physically _handle this_. 

The second of silence was gone before Phil could blink, and then, it happened in a flash. 

Nico had been standing completely still, but in the next moment, there was a fist colliding into Phil’s wall, leaving a giant hole in it’s wake. 

“Wha-?!” Phil exclaimed, jerking violently backwards in fright, but also distracted by the fact that he now had to _pay_ for that hole. 

Nico silenced him by grabbing his jaw with that same hand that had just breached the drywall. Phil froze at the touch, his body on fire, confused and twisting this way and that. What did he want? What did he _want?_

Nico lifted Phil’s head until their gazes were connected and Nico’s green stare was burning a hole through Phil’s head. Phil felt more nausea raise in his throat, his stomach twist in agonizing pain. “I’m not a fucking idiot, sweet pea.” 

That nickname. Was it even Phil’s anymore? Did he _deserve_ such a nickname after everything he’d done to their relationship? After he’d lied and snuck around and _bailed_ on the only person who’d truly loved and cared for him? After he’d hurt Nico in the one way he’d always promised he never would, by _leaving_ him?

He wasn’t so sure anymore. 

“I swear,” Phil whimpered, quivering in Nico’s grasp. His jaw was hurting slightly where Nico was gripping him, but it was nothing in relation to the pain he had felt in his chest since less than a week ago. He didn’t know if Dan had heard the way Nico had punched the wall, but judging by the way his bedroom door stayed firmly shut, he assumed that Dan hadn’t heard. “I swear I didn’t find anyone else. I couldn’t. Not when you mean so much to me.”

“Then how do you explain your piercings, hmm?” Nico hummed, and Phil had no explanation for that. In Nico’s eyes, tongue piercings were for sluts, and he had just gotten one out of spite. So what else could that make him other than a huge _whore_? “I thought you were better than everyone, sweet pea. But I guess I was wrong again.”

Phil inhaled sharply and flinched. He tried to control his emotions, to stand up for himself, but it was hard. He could feel himself crumbling underneath the accusations, underneath the mere proximity of Nico’s body to his own. He was sinking into a dark abyss, one that he didn’t know how to dig himself out of. “I- I _am_ better than everyone,” Phil gasped out. “Ple- please don’t leave me. I can’t do this without you. I don’t…” his eyes welled up with tears. What was he _saying_? “I don’t want to be with anyone else.” 

Nico leaned a bit closer so that Phil could feel his breath fanning across his face. His lips were so close that Phil could probably press his own against them it he wanted to, but he held himself back because he wasn’t sure he was allowed. Nico’s eyes were green fire when he replied. “It’s already been three days, though. Shame. I was ready to take you back, but you didn’t want me.”

“I do!” Phil said desperately, even though his brain was screaming at him to run away and never look back. “I do want you! Please, Nico. Please don’t leave me!” He was begging now, panicking. How would he be able to survive without Nico? Nico was the only person who would love him, the only person who made him _happy_. 

These past four days had shown Phil that he couldn’t live without him. 

“Prove it, then,” Nico told him. “Take out those dumb piercings and stop behaving like a slut. Stop talking to Dan. I want you to keep your eyes on me and only me.”

Phil was nodding along with every word, his eyes tracing the way Nico’s mouth shaped each sentence. His body was thrumming with nerves and adrenaline. He was high on it, his head all over the place. Truth be told, he didn’t know exactly why he had been considering leaving Nico in the first place. “Anything for you,” Phil told him, and Nico smiled. 

“Good boy.”

Just then, Nico pressed his lips against Phil. His lips were rough and chapped, more so than Phil could remember. At first, he sank into it, relieved that he could have this once more after those four long days without - it was familiar and felt a little bit like home - but Nico was being harsh. He bit and pulled and tugged at Phil’s new piercing hard enough to make it bleed. Phil cried out a little bit, and all he could taste was blood as Nico tried to deepen the kiss. Suddenly, it wasn’t so nice anymore. The pain cleared his head a little bit. 

His lips went numb. 

His brain went into overdrive. 

There was a hole in the wall. There was a healing bruise on his cheek. His friend was in the other room, worried for his safety. He was sobbing into the kiss, his tears staining his cheeks. The kiss tasted of tears and blood, when it should honestly be the happiest moment of his life. 

Suddenly, Phil couldn’t feel a goddamned thing anymore. 

Phil pushed Nico off of him with all of his strength without thinking, ignoring the fact that Nico had been biting him so harshly his lip actually tore as well. “Get the fuck off of me,” he said lowly. 

“Phil, what the _fuck_?” Nico exclaimed, his voice raising an octave or two. His eyes were wild, angry, confused… scared.

In that moment, Phil didn’t give two shits about anything. He couldn’t feel anymore, couldn’t feel the blood dripping from his lip, couldn’t feel the usual tingles from the close proximity to Nico. All he could feel was emptiness, a numbness that wouldn’t seem to disperse no matter how hard he tried. 

“Don’t touch me,” Phil ordered Nico, adrenaline rushing through his bones. He could feel a sob rising in his chest but he tried to hold it back, tried to stay _strong_ for once. He couldn’t live like this. He shouldn’t _have_ to live like this. “I can’t do this anymore.”

Nico sneered at him, and Phil dodged it just in time before Nico could grab at him again. He kept his gaze on everything but Nico. The wall, the floor, the _ceiling_. Anywhere but the man who had smashed his heart into pieces. “Make up your mind, sweet pea,” Nico growled, and his voice wasn’t warm at all anymore. Had it ever been? “You either want me, or you don’t. Is it really that hard of a decision?”

“Yes!” Phil said, and the sob escaped from his throat. He started backing away, shaking his head, although he didn’t know why. “Just- just stay away from me.”

“So what, then? You’re having trouble deciding if you want me ,but you want me to stay away from you? Is that how that works? You don’t make any fucking sense, sweet pea.” 

Each time Nico used the nickname, Phil felt a little part of him shrivel up and die. He was hyperventilating at this point, unable to capture his breath or help himself try to gain some strength again. For such a long time, he had felt as though that nickname was a part of him. It used to make him feel whole, feel _wanted_. Now, it felt like a taunt. It felt like chains wrapping around his ankles, forcing him to submit, forcing him to lose his independence all over again. He didn’t want this. He felt nauseous and he didn’t _want_ this anymore. 

But he was scared. He was so scared that he couldn’t move. Nico’s gaze was terrifying, cold, almost like he didn’t recognise who Phil was at all. Instead, Phil was suddenly a piece of food that Nico had dropped and didn’t want anymore. He was used and impure and he felt so _dirty_ , like he needed another hour long shower where his skin burned off and blistered under the heat. 

He didn’t want this anymore. 

He steeled himself, tried to swallow down the bile in his throat, tried to look into Nico’s eyes and not waver under the glare. He took a breath. 

“I don’t want this anymore,” he said as firmly as he could, even though his voice was wobbling and he was _terrified_. “I’m keeping the piercings. I’m going to keep being Dan’s friend. You don’t _own_ me anymore.” 

For a moment, the room was completely silent. For a moment, Phil actually thought that Nico was going to leave. For a moment, it didn’t really hit Phil that the silence might just be that he’d pissed Nico off even more, but then, Nico spoke up through gritted teeth, his hands balled into fists, and Phil realised that maybe he’d acted a bit fucking stupid. 

“You… fucking _slut_ ,” Nico growled, and he raised his fist in the air, making Phil cower into the wall behind him. He was going to get _hit_ again, and he braced himself for the flash of pain. 

It didn’t come. 

Instead, Nico’s fist went through the wall again and Phil heard the door to the other room open. 

“You worthless piece of shit. Do you think you’re _better_ than me? Do you think you can just _leave_ me like I’m nothing? After everything you’ve done to me? After everything I’ve done for you?” He pulled his fist back again and slammed it into the wall again, right next to Phil’s head. 

“Stop!” Phil gasped out, ducking out of the way and trying to run around Nico, but Nico grabbed his arm, held him in place, and now Phil was _really_ terrified. What was he going to do to him? What should Phil even expect when his perception of Nico had so drastically changed in only a few short weeks? 

In that next moment, Phil thought he was going to get hit. He braced for the feeling of Nico’s fist in his face, of his hands around his neck, suffocating him the way he’d done with the pillow so long ago, when he’d pressed the sharp edge of the knife to his throat, but nothing came. Instead, Nico was being roughly shoved away from him, pushed so hard that he stumbled backwards and nearly fell flat on his face. Phil turned his head, and gaped at Dan who’d suddenly appeared in front of him, a wall between Phil and the man who was threatening him. Phil had always thought Nico was so big despite his stature, but now, next to Dan’s intimidating aura, he was small, so miniscule that Phil felt like he had to _squint_ to see him. 

“If you _dare_ lay a hand on him, _I_ will fucking kill you,” Dan growled, and never before had Phil found Dan actually _scary_ before, but today all of Phil’s previous perceptions were being turned on their head and Phil found himself trying to hide the way he flinched at the dangerous tone to Dan’s voice, his blood roaring in his ears. 

In only a millisecond, Nico was standing tall once more, squaring his shoulders as if he could make Dan back down. For a moment, they were the same height and Phil was just an ant on the ground. 

“Oh really?” Nico laughed harshly. “I’d like to see you do anything to me. You mean nothing to me and I could easily crush you in my palm.” 

“If that’s what it takes to keep Phil safe, then I’ll take you up on that offer,” Dan told him sincerely, never losing the threatening tone. He didn’t move from where he was standing strategically in front of Phil, his arms crossed over his chest, keeping a space between Nico and Phil. 

Once again, Phil was reminded of how lucky he was to have Dan as a friend.

Phil watched as Nico’s hands turned to fists at his sides, his mouth curling into an angry grimace, darker and more terrifying than Phil had ever seen before. He watched as Nico took a step forward, and his mind flashed to the stories Nico had told him about his father. For a moment, just one moment, Phil felt _bad_ for Nico, and then the feeling was gone and Phil felt his heart clench in fear for what was about to happen to him and Dan. 

That’s when the sound of sirens exploded throughout the flat. Normally, Phil wouldn’t think anything of it, except now, there were flashing lights reflecting in his flat, on the furniture, the ceiling, and they weren’t going away. 

Phil shot Dan a confused glance, and Dan shot Phil a shrug and a wide-eyed glance right back. 

“Did you call the fucking cops?” Nico asked, faltering in his movements towards Dan, lowering his fists, and instead clenching his hands tight at his sides. Phil thought he was probably digging his fingernails into his palm. 

His glare was on Dan, accusing him of something Phil wasn’t entirely sure of himself. 

Dan shook his head. “No, but I fucking _should_ have.” 

An urgent knock came at the door, followed by a man shouting to open up, that it was the police, and that he’d break the door down if he had to. Nico kept his glare on Dan and Phil as he slowly backed away, inching his way towards the door, trying to reach it before either Dan or Phil could react, could say anything, or get it for him. Dan glared right back, and Phil looked at the floor, shaking like a leaf, and terrified of what was going to happen next. 

He heard Nico open the door. 

“What can I help you with?” he asked. 

Phil glanced up briefly to see that he had wedged himself between the door and the frame so that the cops couldn’t see inside. Phil didn’t know why he’d done that. Didn’t that make him even more suspicious? 

“We’ve gotten complaints about loud banging noises and screaming coming from inside. Is everything alright in here?” 

“Everything is just fine, no need to worry,” Nico said sweetly. 

The blatant lie made Dan laugh, and Phil’s head shot up so that he could give Dan a wide eyed stare, begging him not to do anything drastic. Everything _was_ just fine. Phil didn’t even know why someone had called the cops. Didn’t they know nothing was wrong? Phil could handle this. _They_ could handle this. They didn’t need the police to get involved. Nico wasn’t like his father. There was nothing dangerous going on… right? 

But Dan spoke up anyways, taking a deep breath, and then shouting, “Help us, please! He’s trying to hurt us!” before Phil could do anything to stop him.

“ _Dan_!” Phil hissed, but he stayed rooted to the spot, terrified, unable to speak up any louder and try to defend the man he’d once professed to love, the man he _still_ loved. Didn’t he? He could feel Nico’s fury wafting off of him in waves, could feel the weight of his glare on his skin, and Phil wanted nothing more than to melt into the floorboards. 

“Who was that?” the police officer asked.

Nico’s head snapped back around to the police officer on the other side of the door, and Phil watched as he worked a pleasant expression on his face and laughed so easily that Phil suddenly wondered if everything about Nico was a complete and utter lie. 

“Nothing, officer. Just my mates having a good laugh,” he explained. 

But Dan wasn’t having that. Phil’s eyes darted back and forth from Dan to Nico and back to Dan, watching as Nico tried to close the door more tightly against himself, as Dan’s face went a deep, angry shade of red, and then Dan was calling out all over again. 

“He’s lying! Please! Help us, he threatened to _kill_ us!”

There was a brief scuffle at the door, a muffled, “Step aside, son,” and the loud sound of the door banging open, but Phil had long since closed his eyes. His heart was in his throat, and all he could think was, if Nico hadn’t been planning on killing them before, he sure as hell was _now_. 

Would he take the police officer down with him? Would they all be slaughtered? Some deep, dark place inside of Phil laughed and thought _good, I don’t want to live without Nico anymore_. 

But nothing of the sort happened. Instead, there was the sound of static from a radio, the gentle touch of Dan’s hand on Phil’s arm, the voice of a confused police officer asking for back up, the movement of extra feet and boots on the floor. Phil’s eyes were squeezed shut in terror, and before he could even think it through of what it would look like, he was slamming his hands over his ears and cowering in on himself, shaking his head as tears started to run warm down his cheeks. 

Everything was happening too fast. Everything was moving too quick. Phil could hear his head screaming. There was mutters of _holes in the drywall_ , _bruising on cheeks, blood dripping from lips_ , and then Nico was being read his rights. Phil opened his eyes just in time to see Nico being cuffed, and more police officers trailing into Phil’s apartment with steady footsteps and glares as they took a look around. 

As Nico was being turned and led away, Nico turned to give Phil a nasty look. Phil watched in horror as Nico suddenly got a twisted smile on his face, how he let out a loud, booming laugh. 

“I didn’t need you anyway, sweet pea,” Nico told him, and he was smiling despite the way he had to twist his body to turn and look at Phil. “Chandler was a much better fuck than you ever were.” 

In just a single sentence, Phil felt himself break. He tore his eyes away from Nico and tried to calm the way his heart felt as though it were going to collapse. Dan came to sit beside him, putting a hand on his back and rubbing it soothingly, but it didn’t do anything for Phil. He couldn’t seem to wrap his head around what he had heard, what Nico had just disclosed. 

Suddenly, everything made sense. 

The text messaging. The way Nico wouldn’t hold his hand in public. Chandler’s jealousy. _Sweet pea_. 

Phil was a fucking idiot, and maybe he did deserve what had happened to him after all. 

One of the other officers came over to talk to Dan and Phil while they were getting Nico situated, and it was Dan who gave the statement, talking about how he had come out of the room to the sound of a loud banging noise, only to find Nico with his fist raised and his hand wrapped firmly around Phil’s arm to keep him in place. The man asked Phil for his statement, but Phil was too shocked, too upset to speak, so they told him that he would be able to do it a little bit later if he wanted to. The police officer's voice was soft and gentle, and he got down on one knee to tell Phil that he was not alone, that he could testify if he wanted to, that Nico wouldn’t ever be able to touch him again if he said so, but Phil was hardly listening. He didn’t know why the police officer was speaking to him like that; Nico had done nothing wrong, other than break Phil’s heart. 

Phil just wanted to sleep. He was exhausted, felt as though the energy had completely drained from his body. He felt numb. His lips were still tingling from where Nico had kissed him, and he could still feel his tears dripping down his cheeks, but he felt as though he were a ghost, watching from outside his body as the police jotted down notes and Dan ran his mouth about Phil’s apparently unhealthy relationship. 

He mentioned the word _abuse,_ and Phil ended up puking on the floor.

Things happened. Phil was laid down on the couch by some paramedics, checked for bruises, checked for any sign of physical harm. They didn’t really find much. Just swollen eyes from crying and a faded bruise on his cheek. They didn’t find the mental scars that had taken over his brain and decorated his ribcage. He decided then that emotional pain was worse than the physical. 

You could always have doctors patch up the bruises and the cuts, but no doctor would be able to patch up the painful memories that haunted Phil everywhere he went. 


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for this fic include slight dissociation. thanks to @snowbunnylesterfor editing this for me! The lyrics at the beginning of this fic are from the song Same Logic/Teeth by Brand New!

_You've got your kind of brand new face on, where all the skin's pulled thin and taut, and every kid you see starts crying so you stop going out for walks_. 

-

After the policemen left, dragging Nico out of the flat with them, that was when Phil truly shut down. He had already been feeling rather numb lately, but now he was more comatose than anything. He didn’t speak and didn’t move, not unless Dan physically forced him to. 

He had no sense of time whatsoever. It could have been two in the afternoon, or four in the morning, and he would have no idea. He was stuck in his head, an empty shell of nothingness, and Dan was left to pick up the pieces. 

So when the flat cleared and nobody remained but Dan and Phil, Dan sat down next to Phil where he had collapsed on the floor. He rested one hand on the small of Phil’s back, and another on Phil’s knee, rubbing soothing circles with his thumb. 

“I won’t ask you if you’re okay, because I think that’s inappropriate right now,” Dan murmured, his voice soft and welcoming and obviously an attempt to make Phil calmer. “But is there anything I can do to help make you feel a little bit better?” 

Phil didn’t shake his head no, even though he wanted to. He didn’t shake his head yes for that matter either. Instead, he stayed still, his arms wrapped around his legs and his head in his knees. He wasn’t crying anymore - that had stopped halfway through his time with the police officers - but he still felt as though he _needed_ to cry, like there was a huge weight on his chest that made it hard for him to breathe. He closed his eyes and breathed out through his mouth. For once, he wished that he didn't have to deal with living anymore. 

Dan sat with him for a while, just rubbing his back and speaking soothing words into his ear. He talked about how he was there for Phil no matter what, about how Phil was such a strong person, about how Phil could get through anything. Phil didn’t think he could. He didn’t know _how_ he was going to get through something that had ripped him apart, bit by bit until there was nothing left that remained. 

It was just a _breakup_ , for God’s sake. Phil should be able to handle it. So what if it had been a bad breakup? People dealt with that sort of thing all the time. He wasn’t _special_ and he certainly had it better than a lot of people. He felt as though he had no right to be feeling like this. 

He expressed this to Dan in a soft voice, and Dan made a noise in the back of his throat that sounded like a whine. It was strange, but Phil didn’t question it. 

“Just because other people might have it worse than you doesn’t mean your emotions aren’t valid or that you shouldn’t be feeling a certain way,” Dan told him. “You’re allowed to be upset. I’d be more worried if you _weren’t_ upset after the abuse you’ve endured.”

There was that word again. _Abuse_. A word that had been thrown around during the night like it was nothing, like it actually applied to Phil’s life. Lies, lies, _lies_. Phil hadn’t been abused. 

He hadn’t been hit all the time, and he and Nico had hardly even _fought_ when they were together. 

“I wasn’t abused,” Phil said firmly, as firmly as he could when he had his head buried in his knees. “He only hit me once, and that hardly counts as anything. We had a _good_ relationship, and he made me happier than I’d been in a long time.” It wasn’t exactly a lie. 

“It’s nothing to be ashamed of,” Dan tried again, and if Phil weren’t so exhausted, he would have pushed Dan off of him and commanded him to leave. The only reason he didn’t do so was because he was actually more terrified to be by himself right then. “You know, about one in six men experience domestic abuse in their lifetime.”

“I’m not a fucking _statistic_ , Dan,” Phil hissed, lifting his head so he could shoot his best friend a glare. “I wasn’t abused, end of story. Conversation over. Now can you _please_ just- just stop making me feel worse, already?”

Dan wasn’t perfect, and Phil realised that. Sometimes Dan didn’t know when to shut up. He talked too much about things that could be upsetting to other people, and he didn’t really have a censor when it came to speaking. When that happened, all he needed was a gentle reminder that some things were better left unsaid, and he would go apologising until everything was fixed once more. 

“Sorry,” Dan apologised, just as Phil had assumed he would. “I wish I could just castrate that wanker for what he’s done to you.”

“Can- can we stop talking about him? I want to forget about him.”

Dan nodded and changed the subject. He started talking about everything he did when Phil hadn’t been talking to him. He mentioned that he had seen Jane and Charlie in the store, and how Jane had realised he had dimples. She had apparently then proceeded to coo and pinch his cheeks like an old grandma, and the story didn’t make Phil laugh, but it made him distracted enough to forget about his swollen eyes for a moment. 

After a while, Phil stopped talking again. He’d reached his maximum speaking quota for the day, and instead withdrew into himself. He became distracted and distant once more until Dan had to force him into the kitchen where he shoved a bowl of cereal into Phil’s hands and made him eat two bowls. That amount of food made Phil feel a bit nauseous, but he swallowed it down anyway because he didn’t know what else to do. 

Dan tried to talk to him in hushed tones, like he was telling a secret just to be kept between the two of them, but Phil didn’t bother replying. Instead, he ate mechanically, shoveling the cereal into his mouth even though it tasted like cardboard and didn’t do anything for him. Dan praised him as if he were a dog who didn’t know how to function for itself, which Phil couldn’t be mad about because it was _true_. 

After Dan deemed Phil good to go, he led Phil to the bed and forced him to lay down. Phil complained a bit, but Dan wasn’t having it. He went through his drawers until he found a pair of comfortable shorts and a sleep shirt, and threw both items at Phil. “Sleep for a little,” Dan told him. “Please. You need it.” 

Phil’s lip wobbled and he was so _pathetic_. Apparently break ups made him go back to being a child complaining about nap time. It’s just… he didn’t want to be _alone_. He didn’t want to have to face what had happened, face the negative thoughts trying to tear him down piece by piece, bit by bit, until there was nothing else left except anxiety and despair. Depressing, yes, but Phil didn’t quite know what to do with himself anymore. 

He wanted things to go back to how they had been. He wanted things to go back to the way things were. Back to when he and Nico were inseparable and happy and _in love_. Back when Chandler was his best friend who hadn’t dare hurt him, who was there for him no matter what, who didn’t _fuck his boyfriend_ as soon as he turned his back. Now the only person he had was Dan, and while he appreciated that, he certainly wished he had his oldest best friend back. 

He felt sick to his stomach.

“I need to text her,” Phil said, instead of getting into bed. He stood up and made a beeline for his phone. “I need to know why she did this to me.” 

“Woah, woah, woah,” Dan said, interrupting him. He rushed over to Phil and grabbed his arms gently, keeping him from grabbing his phone. “I don’t think that’s such a good idea right now.” 

“Well, why the hell not?” 

Dan frowned and pushed him backwards gently until he could sit Phil on the bed, never tightening his grip. He was so gentle that Phil nearly burst into tears once more, and he would have, except for the fact that he had already used up all of his tears for the day. “If you talk to Chandler right now, I don’t think it’ll make you feel better. You need to get some rest and _then_ you can talk to her.” 

Phil huffed and glared at Dan. He wasn’t a child, damn it. He could make his own decisions. He didn’t need nap time. He needed to know why his _best friend_ had made his boyfriend _cheat on him_. “I’m not tired,” Phil muttered. “I need to text her.” 

He tried to go for his phone again, but once more Dan stopped him. “Phil, please listen to me.” Phil stopped, tried to listen despite how his hands were itching to get on his phone. “If you text her right now, you’ll just get even more upset, and then you won’t be able to rest at all. You need your strength, and texting her isn’t going to solve anything. I can almost guarantee that if you try to confront her right now, you’ll both just end up getting in a huge fight. That’s not something you need right now.”

“But… I need to know why she betrayed me ,” Phil whimpered, looking at Dan with large, watery eyes.”She was supposed to be my best friend…”

“You can find that out tomorrow. Come on, now. Rest a bit.”

Slowly, Phil allowed himself to submit, slumping over in Dan’s arms. Dan caught him, his grip strong, and lowered Phil back onto the bed until he was lying down. Dan then tucked him beneath the covers, smiling gingerly and sadly the whole time. His brown eyes told a story that Phil was too scared to decipher, so he protected himself by snuggling deeper into the duvet and trying to shield himself with the sheets. 

He couldn’t sleep right now, though. He was too high on anxiety, too _scared_ to fall asleep. He wanted to curl up next to another person, someone who could protect him and make sure he wasn’t hurt. He watched as Dan turned to slip out of the room. Just as Dan put his hand on the door handle, about to leave, Phil spoke. “Dan?”

Dan hummed, turned and looking at him with a question in his gaze. “Yeah?”

“Can you come lay with me?” The question was out before Phil knew what he was saying, but it was also then that he understood how much he truly needed it . He needed the companionship, the safety. He needed to be wrapped up in strong arms and told that nobody was going to hurt him, that Phil wasn’t alone in all of this. 

Dan froze for a moment, his eyes widening. It was so miniscule that Phil barely caught it before Dan seemed to compose himself. “Lay with you?” he asked carefully, taking his hand off of the door handle and turning to face him completely. 

Phil nodded. He knew what he had said. “I don’t want to be alone,” he admitted in a small voice, wrapping the blankets closer to him and giving Dan a pleading look. 

Dan let out a breath and seemed to deflate a bit. “Whatever you need,” he told Phil, and then walked around the bed to the other side. He gingerly peeled back the covers and climbed inside, but he was as far away from Phil as he could possibly get, nearly falling off the bed. 

Phil frowned. “Do you not want to lay with me?” he asked, worried that he was making Dan do something he didn’t want to. “If you’re uncomfortable, you don’t have to be in bed with me. You can sit in my chair or something.”

“No, no, it’s not that,” Dan promised him, and Phil watched as he shook his head, smiling over at him warmly. “I just didn’t want to impose and make _you_ uncomfortable.”

“I’m not uncomfortable,” Phil replied automatically. “Scooch over here a little. I don’t want you falling off the bed.”

The comment made Dan laugh, and he scooted over, closer to Phil. They both grew silent, and Phil stared at the ceiling. He wasn’t very tired. Not physically, at least. He was more mentally tired than anything, the glow in the dark stars on his ceiling burning holes into his eyes. 

“I thought we’d be together for longer,” Phil told Dan quietly, his chest squeezing tight. He closed his eyes then, because it was easier to talk when he couldn’t see anything. “We’d complimented each other so well that I could have honestly seen myself marrying the guy. I feel like such a _fool_. Just a week ago I was telling everybody how in love I was, and now I’ve ruined the best relationship I’ve ever been in.”

Dan hummed and moved a little bit closer to Phil. Phil felt a warmth on his hand and realised that Dan was now holding it very loosely, giving him a light squeeze. It was just a gesture to show that Dan was there for him, that he supported Phil no matter what. Phil appreciated it, even though he didn’t think he deserved it. 

“You’re not a fool, Phil,” Dan told him firmly. He rubbed his thumb along Phil’s index finger. “And you _certainly_ didn’t ruin things. If anything, it was Nico who ruined your relationship. He didn’t treat you right in the slightest. You deserve better than him.”

Phil shook his head. “No, you don’t understand,” Phil protested. “I _did_ deserve that. I made him uncomfortable multiple times, and I went behind his back and texted you even though he didn’t like it. I told him that I was studying when I was really hanging out with you. He didn’t even know you existed until he saw you the other night.” Phil laughed bitterly, shaking his head. His eyes were burning with tears again, but he didn't deserve to be so upset. “I fucking deserved this. And frankly, he should have dumped my ass sooner because he deserves someone way better than me.”

“I disagree with that statement,” Dan interjected softly. Phil didn’t open his eyes, but he was sure Dan had a sad expression on his face. Dan was too good to be true. “Have you ever thought that there’s a _reason_ you didn’t tell him? When I saw you at the party that night, he was _really_ angry about me talking to you. Irrationally so. He grabbed you so hard that he left bruises on your wrist. That’s not normal, Phil, and you definitely deserve better than that.”

Phil shook his head. He felt bitter, his mouth dry, his eyes wet. He couldn’t agree with that, because Dan didn’t understand. Dan wasn’t _there._ He didn’t know just how horrible Phil actually was. “Agree to disagree,” Phil said flatly. 

Dan sighed and squeezed Phil’s hand tightly once more before letting go. “Fine. But I’ll be trying my damnedest to make sure you believe me eventually.”

Phil didn’t answer. He had no more words left to say. So he said nothing instead. 

That night, he didn’t sleep well once again. He feigned sleep for a long time, until he was absolutely sure that Dan was unconscious. The weird thing about Dan was that he didn’t make any noise while he was sleeping. He didn’t move, didn’t snore, didn’t make a peep. So Phil waited for what seemed like _hours_ until he was positive Dan wasn’t awake. 

Then, he reached over and grabbed his phone. He hadn’t looked at it since that afternoon, but it was surprisingly empty. He didn’t understand the lack of messages until he realised it was because Nico hadn’t texted him, but then it only made his chest ache with grief. 

He had only three text messages. One from Jane, one from his mum, and one from Chandler. Chandler’s name made Phil’s stomach drop to his knees, and he took a few deep breaths to ground himself. 

He checked his mum’s message first, because that was the least scary out of all three of them. 

**Mum** **\- 5:55pm**

**__** _Hope you made it home okay! I love you!_

He sent her a few heart emojis and a declaration of love before moving onto Jane’s message. It wasn’t nearly as scary as he’d thought it’d be, and he let out a breath. 

**Jane Mckinnon - 6:34pm**

**__** _Hi bby i havent heard from you in a while. Hope youre okay? Come to eat with charlie and i soon xx_

He didn’t answer to that, deciding to do so tomorrow. He was too nervous to reply anyway, the anxiety for Chandler’s message choking him up and making it hard for him to breathe. He should have read it first, left the others for last, for comfort. Before Phil could make himself delete Chandler’s message, he opened it with shaking fingers. 

Immediately, he almost threw up once more. 

**Chandler Jones - 7:12pm**

**__** _Do you really think he ever loved you? You were just some toy to him and you took advantage of him. Youll be happy to know that he made love to me just last night._

Phil shut his phone off and set it down on the table a little bit too hard. It made Dan twitch in his sleep, but he still didn’t wake up. For that, Phil didn’t know if he was upset or glad. 

He stared at the stars on his ceiling a bit more. He stared until his eyes hurt from not blinking. Then he rolled out of bed, wiped an angry hand across his face, and escaped the room as quietly as possible. 

He felt as though he weren’t a real person. It was the strangest feeling, like he wasn’t really a part of himself anymore. His vision was a bit fuzzy, almost like he were on drugs, and he had trouble walking straight. He felt his feet padding across the floor, but it didn’t really feel like _he_ was actually walking. 

Everything was robotic. He could feel things touching him, but they felt dulled to the point where he could barely feel his shirt hanging from his collarbones or his trousers resting against his legs. When he moved his fingers, his hands felt like they were a separate entity completely, like they were a hundred miles away from him. 

He barely noticed when he got to the bathroom. He turned on the tap water. He cupped his hands under the stream and splashed it on his face. A little bit of water got in his nose and he spluttered, sneezed, but he didn’t really _feel_ it. He turned the water off and grabbed a towel, drying his face off. 

He met his own gaze in his reflection. He didn’t recognise himself in the slightest. 

His eyes were rimmed with red and his cheeks were slightly puffier than usual. He had metal through his nose and his fringe was sticking up all over the place. His skin was so pale that he looked slightly blue. And his eyes… 

Well, they were empty. Devoid of emotion. Completely and utterly soulless. 

He couldn’t even bring himself to care anymore. 

Phil smiled bitterly, and his reflection followed suit, his lips chapped and cracked. He had a gash in his lip from where Nico’s teeth had torn it open, a fading yellow bruise on his cheek, the only splash of colour against his pale complexion. He touched his face, prodded at his red eyes, pulled at his lip until it was bleeding again. It didn’t hurt, and he didn’t feel it as blood began to drip down his chin. 

He watched with curious eyes as the red slithered down his skin like a snake, staining him with the colour of hatred. Red against white was such a beautiful sight. 

“Phil?” 

Phil jumped, snapping out of his trance and whirling around. He found Dan standing in the doorway of the bathroom, his hair curly and mimicking Phil’s in the way that it stuck up in random places. His eyes were tired, filled with sleepiness, and they were slightly purple underneath. 

Dan cocked his head to the side, his eyes landing on Phil’s bleeding lip. “Oh dear,” he murmured. “Let’s get you all cleaned up.”

Phil let Dan sit him down on the toilet, let him bring a wet washcloth to his lip to wipe off the blood. It didn’t take long at all to clean up, and they didn’t speak the whole time. 

Only when Dan had finished did he speak up. “Why are you still up?”

Phil shrugged. He still felt very far away, and he didn’t feel like talking. 

“Did you read your texts?” Phil nodded. Dan frowned. “Bad?” Phil nodded. Dan sighed. “You doing okay?”

This time, Phil paused. Was he doing okay? He wasn’t crying, that was a good sign, but then again, he didn’t actually feel anything at all. That probably wasn’t good. 

Slowly, Phil shook his head. 

Dan’s frown deepened so much that his dimples popped up in his cheeks. His forehead got wrinkles in it and his eyebrows furrowed. He gently stood Phil up and started to lead him back to the bedroom. “How about I read to you and you try to fall asleep? Will that make you feel better?” 

Phil nodded, and Dan let out a relieved exhale. It felt all too repetitive. Dan would make sure Phil was okay, then he would take Phil to bed and tuck him in and force him to sleep. Phil wouldn’t be _able_ to sleep though, no matter how tired he might be. 

This time, however, Dan didn’t join him immediately after tucking Phil in. This time, he scoured Phil’s bookcase, his eyes carefully surveying the spines of Phil’s favourite books. He pulled out a couple, showing them to Phil. _Impulse_? No. Even the thought of the book made him sick to his stomach. _Bad Feminist_? No, too scholarly. 

They eventually settled on The Graveyard Book because Phil reckoned he could use some fantasy in his life, even if it _was_ children’s literature. Phil kept himself tucked under the covers, using his blanket as a shield, while Dan sat on the edge of the bed. Phil watched through half-lidded eyes as Dan opened the book and cleared his throat, smoothing down the pages with long, slender fingers. 

He began reading, telling the story of a boy named Bod who was raised by ghosts and other creatures, becoming the only living resident in a cemetery. It was peaceful, and Dan had such a nice reading voice. He truly made the characters come to life, and wasn’t speaking in monotone, but rather one filled with energy despite it being so early in the morning. The only thing Phil liked better than Dan’s reading voice was his ability to play the piano. 

He’d have to remember that for another day. 

Soon enough, Phil felt his eyes began to droop. He hadn’t thought he was tired, but suddenly, he was _exhausted_. There was an ache in his head and his eyes were straining in the dim lighting. He didn’t want to close his eyes because the only thing he could see was _green_ , but alas, it was inevitable. 

With Dan’s reading, Phil was able to forget about the colour green. He was able to focus on something other than the numbness in his chest that spread all the way to his fingertips. He could even nearly forget about all of the events from the last four days, no matter how ingrained into his head they were. 

He fell asleep to the sound of Dan’s voice. His sleep wasn’t very pleasant, but he was mostly relieved that he was able to sleep in the first place. 

Because when he slept, he didn’t have to worry about feeling anything at all.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for this chapter include anxiety and more angst. thanks to @snowbunnylester for editing this for me! The lyrics at the beginning of this fic are from the song Lantern by The White Birch!

_I watched the lanterns tilt through days of darkened guilt. I prayed for newborn skies to lift me up so high._

-

Phil didn’t end up texting Chandler back that night. 

Perhaps it was the fear; the fear that had never left him, digging under his skin, melding into his bones. It was a part of him now, tearing deep through his mind, ripping him to shreds until there was absolutely nothing left to be salvaged. 

Dan had tried to patch him up as best as he could, stitching him up with affection, telling him how much he meant to him. He put plasters on Phil’s heart in the form of piano playing and reading aloud, except he wasn’t a surgeon and he didn’t seem to know where to put them, so Phil’s heart continued to shatter, crumbling to the floor like rotting wood. It was inevitable, and there was nothing Dan could do about it, but he tried his best anyway, picking up the broken pieces and trying to glue them back together, not caring that the same pieces kept crumbling and he was just repeating actions with no real resolution. 

Nearly a week had passed before he finally decided to text Chandler back. He barely left his flat, only doing so when he had work. He was grateful for LaBella’s then, for not firing him when they heard about the police coming to Phil’s home, but also because they allowed him to change his hours to work lunches so he didn’t have to work with his ex best friend. 

Since he’d quit school, he had a lot of free time. Since Dan still had school, Dan _didn’t_ have a lot of free time. So Phil worked during the times when he would have school, and when Dan got out, Phil would cling to him like a static-filled blanket. Phil had turned into an actual child, but Dan never seemed to care. He was just too soft and caring for his own good, and Phil vowed to himself that he would make it up to Dan one day.

Phil was alone when he decided to finally man up and text Chandler. He refused to call her his best friend anymore, because he didn’t think that friends were supposed to screw their friends’ boyfriends. He took a deep breath, staring at Chandler’s name in his phone - he had long since deleted the threatening text because it hurt to much to look at it, but now he was ready.

He was ready to know what the fuck was going on. 

So with his heart pounding hard in his chest, Phil typed out a message and sent it before he could talk himself out of it. As soon as he pressed the little send button, he threw his phone across the room, and hid under the blankets of his bed so he could hide from his problems.

**Phil Lester - 1:54pm**

**__** _Hi. Can you please explain to me what happened and why you decided to sleep with my boyfriend? I’m really hurt._

Even when he heard his phone chime from across the room, alerting him of a new message, Phil still didn’t look at it. He didn’t look at it until he had calmed down the racing in his veins and he could think just a tad more clearly. Only then did he stand up to grab his phone, closing his eyes before looking at the message, just so he could ground himself a little bit. 

**Chandler Jones - 1:56pm**

**__** _I told you before. You werent appreciating him. You made him upset more than not. And then, after treating him like shit, you accused him of abuse? Youre so ungrateful and its no wonder he wanted to find someone better_

Phil bit his tongue and fought against the dumb tears in his eyes. _Stay strong._

**Phil Lester - 1:57pm**

**__** _You knew i loved him though. So why would you sleep with him when youre supposed to be my best friend? And why would you hide that from me?_

**Chandler Jones - 2:01pm**

**__** _He didnt want me to tell you. And frankly he deserves better than you._

**Phil Lester - 2:02pm**

**__** _I thought you were my friend._

**Chandler Jones - 2:04pm**

**__** _Yeah well things change.. Get over it._

Phil set his phone down and pressed his palms into his eyes. He was quivering, had been quivering nonstop for a week now, and he couldn’t seem to stop it at all. Everything that he had known before Nico had come into his life had been torn down in a fortnight. He didn’t know who his friends were, didn’t know who he could trust. 

Nico had taken all of that away from him. 

Suddenly, he was _angry_. He wanted to kill, to cause destruction. He wanted to throw things against the wall, like the phone Nico had shattered only months ago. He wanted to grab Nico and scream at him, he wanted to shout about how he used to be _normal_ , but now he couldn’t remember what ‘normal’ was, or how to get himself out of this awful funk he’s found himself in. 

He was taken back to those few days at his mum’s house, those days where he was left in a limbo, unsure of where he stood with Nico. He had been empty, had dropped out of school, had gotten piercings that he knew Nico hated. He wasn’t himself anymore - he was this person, this _machine_ , who was just doing things recklessly without feeling. 

He felt like Nico had felt after his dad had gotten arrested. Without emotion, numb. He thought about how Nico had said there was no feeling in his chest aside from the numbness, and how he had no hope. Phil felt like that now. Devoid of hope. Devoid of emotion. Cold, reckless, uncaring. 

He didn’t want to _be_ like this, damn it. He just wanted to feel something again.

Without thinking about it, Phil grabbed his phone once more. He screenshotted his text messages and sent them to Dan with no context. He knew that Dan would understand. Afterwards, he deleted Chandler’s messages and the screenshots. He didn’t need them anymore, and he would rather not be reminded of what his friend had done to him. 

He opened up a new text message, a blank slate, one for someone he had never messaged before. He narrowed his eyes as he typed up a message, ignoring Dan’s incoming text, ignoring a few extra messages from Charlie, who had been trying to text Phil every day to no reply. Phil was desperate. He needed to be wanted. He needed that hole in his chest to be patched up. 

He needed to be _normal_. 

**Phil Lester - 2:15pm**

**__** _Hey Jace! Sorry it took so long for me to text you. It’s Phil from the tattoo shop- you pierced my tongue and septum :-)_

-

**Jace Owens - 4:56pm**

**__** _Do you want to get lunch with me this week?_

**Phil Lester - 4:57pm**

**__** _Id be honoured :)_

“You need to go outside.” 

“I do _not_ need to go outside right now.” 

“Phil, you haven’t been out in like a week. It’s unhealthy.”

Phil glared at Dan from across the table, dropping his spoon into his bowl of cereal. If looks could kill, Dan would have dropped dead right then. He didn’t want to go outside. Didn’t Dan understand? Besides, he went out for work. That was enough for him. “I told you that I don’t need to go outside, Daniel.”

**Jace Owens - 5:00pm**

**__** _Yay! What kind of food are you into?_

Dan sighed as Phil picked up his phone to read the text message he’d just gotten. It seemed like he was sighing more often than not these days. Phil was worried that Dan was getting tired of him, that he didn’t want to be here anymore. In all honesty, Phil wouldn’t blame him if that were the case. He knew that he wasn’t the best person to be around right now, so Phil would hold no grudges against Dan if he decided to get the hell out of their friendship. 

But Dan didn’t say anything of the sort. Instead, he just smiled calmly at Phil, a patient expression on his face. Phil gave major props to Dan for never losing his cool with Phil. “We’re almost out of cereal,” Dan told him, the ‘ _we’_ forming on his tongue like it was meant to be there. “So we should go to the store. Unless you really want to run out of Shreddies again?”

**Phil Lester - 5:02pm**

**__** _Anything that doesnt involve cheese, ill be good_

**Jace Owens - 5:03pm**

**__** _so no pizza? Shame on you_

Phil didn’t want to give in. He really fucking didn’t. With his eyes trained on Dan’s smiling face, he picked up the box of cereal and shook it lightly. Dan was right. The box was nearly empty, probably only a single bowl left. Phil knew that he needed to go to the store if he wanted to get his fill, and he growled through his teeth. “Fine,” he muttered, taking another angry bite of cereal. “But we grab everything and get out of there as quickly as possible. Deal?”

“Deal,” Dan responded, smiling widely. His eyes sparkled in the lighting of the kitchen. 

**Phil Lester - 5:09pm**

**__** _Cheese is an exception on pizza_

**Jace Owens - 5:13pm**

**__** _Then prepared to be pizza’d up!_

**Phil Lester - 5:15pm**

**__** _My body is ready_

-

After much complaining and grumbling on Phil’s part, Dan finally dragged him out of the flat with a hand on the small of his back and a long, hard look. Phil had spent the entire morning acting sick to his stomach, just so that he wouldn’t have to go outside, but Dan wasn’t having it. He had called Phil a _liar_. Phil wasn’t a liar. He just liked to twist the truth a little bit. He’s been feeling sick to his stomach all week, though it wasn’t necessarily directly connected to going to the store. 

But now they were in the store and Phil felt like he was a walking funeral. His lips were set in a permanent grimace, his eyes downcast. He was dressed in all black today, which truly reflected what he was feeling. He let Dan throw groceries into the basket without paying attention to what was being put into it. He didn’t really care at the moment, just wanting to get this over with so he could go back home, bury himself under the blankets, and watch the entirety of Regular Show until his eyes fell out of his head. Yeah, that sounded like a good idea. 

Dan was chatting about his classes and how he was trying to figure out his timetable for the next term. Phil didn’t really understand all of the theatre talk, but he liked the way that it made Dan waffle about, ranting about all of the things that he was interested in and excited for. Plus, it filled the silence, so Phil couldn’t really complain too much. 

“Do you think you’ll ever enroll in uni again?” Dan asked nonchalantly, taking Phil off guard. Dan’s voice wasn’t judging at all. It was warm and inviting, which was the only reason Phil didn’t get mad at him, he reckoned. 

Phil shrugged. Truth be told, he didn’t know what he wanted anymore. He wanted to enroll back in school, but he didn’t think he could handle going to the same university that Nico went to. He didn’t think he could pay attention in class or do his revisions or _anything_ , really. At this point in his life, he just needed a break more than anything. Some time to himself, a way to just relax and worry about his own mental health. “I’m not sure,” Phil said quietly. He would voice all of his thoughts to Dan, but his tongue couldn’t seem to form the words. So instead he just murmured, “Maybe once I get out of this funk I’m in.” 

Dan smiled brightly at him. It always seemed like whenever Phil couldn’t bring a smile to his face, Dan would always grin for the both of them. It was nice, but it made Phil feel guilty. He couldn’t help but feel as though Dan deserved better than this, that Dan shouldn’t be forced into the role of a fucking caretaker. “Well, just relax for now. You don’t have to worry about that for a while, okay?”

Phil was already planning on that. He didn’t really _care_ in all honesty, so Dan’s reassurances didn’t do much for him. He appreciated the sentiment though. “Thank you,” Phil told him earnestly, giving him a tired half-smile. 

He went to look back to the ground so he could continue walking with his head down, but he caught sight of a familiar head of blond hair before he could do so. His eyes widened and he shrunk down beside Dan, trying to blend in with Dan’s frame. His heart was nearly leaping out of his chest, bile rising in his throat. He needed to keep _calm_ , damn it. “Hide me,” Phil hissed to a very confused Dan.

“Erm-?” Dan started, but he listened despite his confusion. He opened up his jacket and wrapped it around Phil’s shoulders, drawing him into his side without question. His eyes were looking around nervously, probably searching for the offending person, but Dan didn’t know who Ledjon even was, so he wouldn’t understand. 

Dan was warm. He always was. Phil was always cold, so he liked being close to Dan. He was a bit like a vampire, sucking up all the heat he could get. 

“What’s wrong?” Dan whispered to him, and Phil shook his head. They were getting a few weird looks from other shoppers, but Phil tried not to pay attention to them.

He couldn’t speak. He was far too anxious, too shaky, to try to even formulate any words. He would do anything to stop Ledjon from seeing him, even if that meant he had to start running at top speed as soon as he could. He kept his head down, his eyes flickering from side to side as if he could see anything from where Dan had tucked him under his shoulder. They probably looked completely and utterly ridiculous. 

But that didn’t matter, and God hated him apparently, because suddenly there was a voice speaking beside him, and Phil nearly jumped out of his skin. “Phil? Is that you?”

Phil jumped backwards, knocking Dan backwards and nearly making him crash to the ground. He stared at Ledjon with his eyes wide, looking like a deer caught in the headlights. He didn’t want to be here. This is why he shouldn’t go outside. Damn Dan for making him do this when he wasn’t ready! 

Dan caught his balance rather than falling, and stepped in front of Phil because apparently he was his bodyguard now. “Who are you?” Dan asked bluntly, and Ledjon cocked his head in confusion, his eyes flickering between Dan and Phil.

“Erm,” he started hesitantly. “I’m Ledjon? Are you two…?” 

Phil shook his head and swallowed, trying to man himself up so he could actually _speak_ and _act_ like a normal fucking person for once. He needed to face his fears, no matter how much he would cry afterwards. “No,” Phil said flatly. He cleared his throat because his voice had come out a bit raspy and it made him sound like a fifty year old smoker. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m shopping,” Ledjon said nonchalantly. His eyes flickered back over to Dan and he pursed his lips. Dan was glaring at him with an aura of protectiveness, and Phil didn’t know how Ledjon didn’t burn to the ground under that gaze. “Can we… talk somewhere?” 

“I really don’t think he wants to talk,” Dan interjected. Ledjon sighed and ran a hand through his blond hair. He seemed tired. “Look, Phil. I know about Nico. But I also know that you didn’t deserve what he put you through. So can we _please_ just talk?”

Phil felt like the world had suddenly stopped. He stared at Ledjon, frozen, unable to formulate any of his thoughts. Instead, he gaped at him, his mouth slightly ajar. His head hurt. Ledjon _knew_? About Nico? But… what exactly did he _know_?

“Don’t do it if you feel uncomfortable,” Dan murmured quietly next to Phil, his voice soft and supportive. Phil was grateful for that. At least he knew that if he needed somebody to be there with him, then Dan would always support him.

Staying silent and gnawing on his lip would not help him this time. So with regret and mild curiosity, Phil opened his mouth. “Fine,” he said, a cold edge to his tone. He didn’t fully trust Ledjon, especially because Ledjon was Nico’s roommate. “But _only_ if Dan can be there too.”

Ledjon cast a glance over at Dan, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Phil didn’t blame him. He knew that they looked very close, much closer than normal friends, but there was nothing he could do about it. Dan was his best friend, his _protector_ , and if he made Phil feel safe then he was going to keep him around at all costs. “Okay,” Ledjon said eventually, drawing out the word. He didn’t quite understand, but he didn’t _need_ to understand everything. “Did you want to grab a coffee or something?”

Phil looked in the basket at the cheeses and pasta and milk. He set the basket on a random shelf. “Sure,” he said quietly, despite the fact that they had just wasted their afternoon shopping and would need to come again later. He just wanted to get this over with. 

They ended up at a little coffee shop around the corner from the stores. It was called _The Cup_ and had a little steaming mug of coffee on the sign. Phil had never been there before, but he could tell by the lack of people inside that this was probably not the _best_ coffee shop in the world. But still, it was coffee, and he couldn’t complain when Ledjon was offering to buy both of their drinks with a soft smile and the assurance that it was okay. 

They sat at a round table by the window, and Phil found himself leaning into Dan, trying to get away from Ledjon the best that he could. He lifted his coffee to his lips, but his hands were shaking so badly that he ended up spilling it all over his shirt. Dan handed him a napkin without a word, giving him a soothing smile. 

“So,” Ledjon started, watching as Phil dabbed at his shirt. Phil froze, because this was it. He was going to figure out what Ledjon wanted to talk to him about. “You and Nico broke up.”

It wasn’t a question, more of a statement. He wasn’t asking about it, he was just stating a fact. And yet Phil felt the need to answer him anyways. “Yes,” he said quietly, flinching at the bluntness. Even the thought of how they’d broken up made Phil’s head start to hurt and his stomach begin to churn. He didn’t like to think about it. In fact, most of the time he _didn’t_. He would prefer to just ignore what had happened. 

Dan put a hand on his and squeezed, and it was then that Phil realised he had been digging his nails into his thigh, forming painful little crescents into his skin. Dan didn’t let go, holding his hand under the table out of the eyesight of Ledjon. 

Ledjon hummed, biting at the skin of his lip. He seemed contemplative, staring into his mug of coffee with a conflicted expression. “Do you… do you want to talk about it?” he asked, his cheeks turning red with the question. “ _Excuse_ me?” 

Ledjon groaned then and pushed a hand through his blond hair. He seemed frustrated, at himself more than anything. “Alright, I’m gonna be straight with you,” he said, tugging at a lock of his hair. He glanced up and met Phil’s gaze, turning serious. Phil’s anxiety worsened with just those words, buzzing in his head like an angry wasp. His vision got a bit blurry. “I know what Nico’s done to you. And I’m on your side.” 

Just like when Phil had told his mum that he wanted to quit school, everything stopped. Dan’s hand tightened around his own, but rather than feeling comforting, it felt suffocating. The walls of the restaurant were moving in on him, shrinking, trying to bury him alive. He gulped and it was harder to breathe than it should have been. He cleared his throat to hide his inner turmoil and instead let out a shaky, “Oh?” 

He didn’t know what Ledjon was referring to when he mentioned what Nico had done to Phil. Did he mean the breakup? How Nico had slapped him that one time? Or how Phil had just let him get dragged away by the police? There were just too many options, and Phil had no idea what Ledjon was going to say. 

Ledjon smiled at him, putting his chin in his hand. Phil watched as he rubbed at his facial hair with his thumb, smoothing it down. Phil liked to imagine that Ledjon had a cat on his face that he was petting or something. “Let me tell you something,” Ledjon said, his eyes flicking over to Dan as well. “I know it’s hard to come to terms with, but I want you to know that you’re not overreacting, you’re not looking for attention, and your feelings are valid. I know you must feel guilty for the break up, but it’s not your fault at all. Nico did this to himself. He did this to _you_. You have a right to be upset and nobody is going to blame you for that anymore. Now you can focus on yourself and getting better, and you have people who love you and will support you no matter what.”

Phil stared at his hands in his lap, stared at the way his and Dan’s hand were still intertwined. He felt like he needed to cry. Except there were no tears forming, his eyes just felt sticky and his heart felt heavy in his chest. He didn’t know what to say, his mouth as dry as his eyes at this point. So he cleared his throat again, kept his eyes trained on his lap, and muttered, “I know you’re Nico’s friend. You don’t have to just say this stuff to me to make me feel better. I’m just being overly sensitive and putting it on other people.” 

“Phil, no-,” Dan started, but Ledjon cut him off before he could say anything else. 

“I’m not just saying that because I want to make you feel better, Phil,” Ledjon said quietly, but in a stern voice. Phil saw him lean on his elbows out of the corner of his eye. “I’m saying that because I know how you feel.” 

At that, Phil’s head shot up and he regarded Ledjon with a look of alarm. His head was spinning with his new knowledge. What did Ledjon mean by _that_? “You _what_?” 

Dan was staring too, his eyes wide, probably confused out of his mind. He had no idea what was going on or why this random guy was suddenly talking to them, but he was listening valiantly, prepared to be Phil’s watchdog at any given time. Phil appreciated that more than he could ever express. 

There was a weary expression taking over Ledjon’s face. His eyes turned downcast and Phil could see a river in the blue of his irises. His eyebrows furrowed and his adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. He licked his lips and gnawed on them just a bit more, the definition of nervousness. “Do you remember when I got that black eye?” 

Phil nodded, his throat clogging up. He had a feeling he knew where this was going. 

Ledjon exhaled through his nose. “When Nico found out that I had told you to be careful, he ended up confronting me. We fought for a bit and I told him that you didn’t deserve to be destroyed by him. He ended up punching me so hard that I blacked out for a bit.” Phil opened his mouth and then closed it again because Ledjon wasn’t done. “Not the first time that’s happened, to be honest. But that’s beside the point. The _real_ point is that he’s not a good person. He’s manipulative and selfish and he likes to be in control of everyone around him. If things had gone on any longer between you two, I have no doubt in my mind that it would have gotten physical. You didn’t deserve that. You _never_ deserved that.” 

The first thing that Phil felt was pity, because Phil had never been punched by Nico and he couldn’t even began to imagine how angry Nico must have been to do something like that. But then he just felt _sad_ , because Ledjon _knew_ who Nico was, and was telling him the same things that Dan has been telling him for weeks. He didn’t know what to believe, but it was hard to ignore when two people who didn’t know each other were telling him the exact same thing. “He didn’t mean to be like that with me,” Phil whispered, a last attempt at protecting his relationship. “He was going through some stuff. He didn’t mean any of it.” 

“Is that what he told you?” Ledjon asked, and Phil flinched at the words. He squeezed Dan’s hand so hard that he thought he must have fractured some bones, but Dan stayed as still as a rock, listening, letting Phil use him as a stress ball. 

“He wasn’t lying, Ledjon.” 

“Oh, I have no doubt that he wasn’t lying,” Ledjon answered easily with a wave of his hand. “But it’s easy to use sad stories to guilt trip you and make you do whatever he wants.” 

Phil glared at him, feeling slightly offended. There was no way Nico would do something like that. He couldn’t even think of a _time_ when Nico had done something such as that. “He didn’t do that to me.” 

He watched through narrowed eyes as Ledjon calmly took a sip of his coffee. The mug made a clink against the wooden table as Ledjon set it back down when he was finished, then scooted it towards Phil only slightly. “Has he ever told you how much he didn’t want to be like his father?” 

It was then that Phil realised that Ledjon _knew_. He knew about everything, knew about Nico’s father, knew about Nico’s _nature_. Nico had lied when he’d told Phil that nobody else knew about his past. He had lied. _Why had he lied_? 

“He… did,” Phil whispered. 

Ledjon raised his eyebrows and Phil felt sick to his stomach. He didn’t want to talk anymore. He wanted to get out of this godforsaken coffee shop and get away from the world for a little bit. He wanted to run back to his cave, curl under the blankets, and watch some cartoons until his eyes fell out of his head once and for all. He wanted to cease to exist, slip beneath the floorboards, descend to purgatory where he would live for the rest of his days. 

“I’m sorry, Phil,” Ledjon said, and he truly did sound sorry. Phil didn’t know whether to feel comforted by the fact that Ledjon was aware, or threatened by the fact that Ledjon was _aware. He was fucking aware of everything._ Phil shook his head and Ledjon apologised once more. “I don’t mean to upset you any further. I know that you’ve been through a lot. But I really just wanted you to know that you’re not alone and that I’m on your side.” 

He grabbed a napkin from the center of the table and withdrew a pen from his pocket. He scribbled something on the napkin - probably a phone number - and passed it over to Phil. Their eyes met as Phil took it, even though he was tempted to crumble it up and throw it on the ground in front of Ledjon’s face. He didn’t. Instead, he folded it and put it in his pocket. 

“This is for if you need to talk to someone who understands, okay?” Ledjon said quietly. “I’m here for you if you need me.” He looked over to Dan then, his face serious. “I don’t know what your relationship is, but I can tell you care about him a lot. Make sure he gets better, alright? I’m glad he has someone like you to help him through this.”

Phil wasn’t looking at Dan, but he assumed his best friend was nodding and smiling as he said, “Phil’s in good hands.” 

They said their goodbyes then, and Phil immediately started to drag Dan out of the coffee shop, leaving their half full coffee cups on the table without a single care. Phil just needed to _get out_ of there. He let go of Dan’s hand the minute they were free, wiping his palm on his jeans because he was quite sweaty and it was nasty. 

“Are you okay?” Dan asked, easily falling into step beside him. 

Phil shrugged his shoulders. “Let’s just get home,” he muttered, and did not say a single word again for the rest of the walk back. He was lost in his mind, not knowing what was going on or what to think. In only a few minutes, his world had been turned upside down, and he was left to realise just how easily Nico had manipulated him with just a few words. 

And yet, Phil still couldn’t help but feel guilty for even thinking badly of Nico in the first place.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to @snowbunnylester for editing this for me! The lyrics at the beginning of this fic are from the song Dive into My Sun by Citizen (bc every lyric is from them oops theyre just so relative to this story)!

_I'm conditioned well; A sliver from my lovers, something I hold on to_.

-

“Phil, can we talk?” 

Those were the words that Phil never wanted to hear, especially from Dan. Why did everyone always want to talk to him now? Couldn’t they see that he didn’t _want_ to talk? About anything? Couldn’t they see that he felt just fucking _peachy_? He just wanted to be left alone. No more “talking”, no more “fretting”. He just wanted to _be_. 

But he didn’t say that, because this was Dan. This was Dan and he had done so much for Phil already that Phil couldn’t possibly turn him down. He could complain all he wanted, of course, but he could never turn Dan down. So he grumbled, tried to unwrap himself from the duvet, poking his head out from under the covers to pout at Dan. “Do we have to talk?” Phil whined, waiting, hoping with each breath that Dan would just say _no, we don’t actually have to talk_. 

Dan nodded and shook his head at the same time, which was honestly the strangest thing that Phil had ever seen in the entire world. He looked like a bobble head, one that was real and living and apparently uncertain about everything. “We need to talk,” Dan said more firmly, and proceeded to push Phil over so he could slide under the covers as well. Phil didn’t complain about that, only moved over more so that Dan had enough room. 

They stared at the dark ceiling for a moment. All of the lights were off in Phil’s room and _Regular Show_ was playing in the background, casting blue and white shadows over the walls. The volume was turned down so quietly that Phil could barely hear it, but that was the point. He had been trying to take a nap, the exhaustion seeping into his bones and making it nearly impossible for him to move. 

Eventually, Phil opened his mouth. “What did you want to talk to me about?” he whispered, because he was scared. Talking, in Dan language, usually meant discussing Phil’s recovery plan. It meant trying to get Phil to go outside, to see friends other than him. It meant trying to help Phil get _over_ Nico. But it never worked, because Phil didn’t know if he even wanted to get over Nico in the first place. 

Dan sighed, and that wasn’t good. That _really_ wasn’t good. “I talked to your lawyer today.” Phil flinched at the words. Ever since the whole police fiasco had happened, Phil had been assigned a lawyer until he decided whether he wanted to press charges against Nico or not. He had only met with the guy once, but he seemed really kind and like he did his job well. The only issue was that Phil didn’t know if he _wanted_ to press charges against Nico. 

In his eyes, Nico hadn’t done anything that warranted jail or prison in the slightest. Sure, he’d smacked Phil, but Phil’s smacked his brother before and he still didn’t deserve to go to jail. Yes, Nico was manipulative and he had made Phil really upset when he left, but that still wasn’t jail material. Phil didn’t think he deserved it, but it was always Dan who told him to at least consider the options. 

“What did he say?” Phil asked shakily, bracing himself for the worst. 

And it was bad. Dan explained in a soft voice that even if Phil wanted to press charges, there was no promise that he would win in the first place. They needed evidence to come to a conclusion, evidence in the form of pictures or videos. Evidence that Nico _truly_ deserved to be called guilty for a crime. Dan explained this with his hand brushing through Phil’s hair in a calming manner that, because Phil’s bruises were emotional and not physical, there really was no evidence at all that would let Phil win the case. 

“However,” Dan started, despite the way Phil was currently pushing himself under the covers more and more with each word. Phil perked up at that, only slightly. “The lawyer said it’d be very possible for you to get a restraining order instead. Those are typically much easier for you to obtain if you can’t press charges.”

Phil took this information in with a hum of discontentment. But what if he wanted to talk to Nico again? He would legally not be allowed to. He voiced this to Dan, who gave him an unimpressed look. 

“Phil,” he said softly, putting his hand back on Phil’s head. He brushed his fingers through his hair softly, obviously trying to calm Phil. “You won’t be talking to Nico anymore. As your friend, I won’t let you do that to yourself.”

The first thought that Phil had was, _but what if I want to_? It coincided with a feeling of mass anxiety, of suffocation that welled up in his throat and made it hard to breathe. He took as deep of a breath as he could, focusing on the soothing massage of Dan’s fingers in his hair. _But why would I even_ want _to_? He asked himself instead, shaking his head a little bit. He was slowly trying to get used to the fact that he didn’t need Nico in his life anymore, but it was hard. It was so hard that he constantly had to try and yell at himself to remind himself just what Nico has done to him. 

He shuffled under the duvet until his face was completely covered and only his hair was sticking out, perfect for Dan to keep running his fingers through. “You’ll come with me to get my restraining order?” he asked quietly, and he didn’t have to look to know that Dan was nodding his head yes. 

“Do you really think I’m just gonna leave you to fend for yourself by now?” Dan teased, and the covers shifted a little, only for Dan to scoot closer to him, their arms brushing lightly. Dan met Phil’s gaze in the darkness surrounding them, and his smile was bright, even underneath the shadows. “I’m afraid you’re stuck with me, Phil.” 

Phil sighed and closed his eyes. Once upon a time, he had felt too claustrophobic to bury himself under blankets. He hadn’t liked the way that it felt as though the space was getting filled with his own breath, how the shadows seemed to crawl into his skin and down his throat, choking him until he could do nothing but gasp for air. But now, he was under the covers more often than not, welcoming the feeling of the darkness shrouding his mind and his lungs. 

But for some reason, it didn’t feel quite as suffocating with Dan in there with him, supporting him, making sure that he was okay. 

The possibility of a restraining order was scary. He wasn’t quite sure that he wanted to even get one, that he wanted to commit himself to something like that. What if he wanted to talk to Nico? What if he was the one who broke the order and submitted to Nico once more? He didn’t know if he could handle the idea of never seeing or speaking to Nico again, and he still wasn’t convinced that he even _needed_ the restraining order. Nico wasn’t going to kill him. That’s what restraining orders are for, right? Because a person is terrified of another person to the point where they’ll get badly hurt? 

Nico wasn’t going to hurt him.

But maybe that was why he needed one. Maybe he needed one because he didn’t think Nico was going to hurt him. Maybe he needed one to hold himself back, to protect himself from succumbing to the darkness of his ex boyfriend once again. Maybe he needed to do this to make Dan believe that he was okay, that he was getting better, that things won’t stay like this forever.

With his heart in his throat, he opened his mouth and nothing came out. He swallowed and tried again, his voice coming out more confident than he felt. “I want to get a restraining order,” he said firmly, and it felt like he had closed the door to his past relationship and locked it up with steel. Maybe now he could start to heal. Maybe now he could start to _feel_. 

-

**Charlie - 6:34pm**

**__** _Shabbot shalom! Are you feeling a bit better?_

**Phil Lester - 6:36pm**

**__** _Not particularly. Still sulking_

**Charlie - 6:40pm**

**__** _:( Dan taking good care of you?_

**Phil Lester - 6:41pm**

**__** _Perfect, as always_

**Charlie - 6:43pm**

**__** _Great! I expect you to come hang out again soon. I miss your dumb face_

**Phil Lester - 6:44pm**

**__** _Miss you too_

-

For once, Phil was going outside. _Without_ Dan. 

When he told Dan he wasn’t going to be home today, Dan was curious, but he didn’t ask too many questions. Maybe he knew that Phil wouldn’t tell him what he was doing, not because he was ashamed, but because Phil knew that Dan would try to stop him if he told him what he was up to. It seemed as though Dan was just happy that Phil was getting out of the house, so he didn’t ask questions and just let the situation _be_. 

Phil didn’t know if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

He didn’t know how he was doing it honestly, but he got up, put on some mildly okay-looking clothes, and straightened his hair. He made sure that he looked vaguely alright, that the bags under his eyes were covered with a light layer of makeup, that his hair was in place and not greasy. When he was ready, he stepped into the bright sunshine, making a face of disgust as the sun immediately attacked his eyeballs. 

It was a nice spring day, and Phil was going on a _date_. 

He took a cab to the pizza place where he’d promised that he would meet Jace, a nice little family owned joint called _Pizza Mia_. Phil had always liked Pizza Mia, because it was nice and cozy with yellow walls and burgundy booths. There were televisions in the corners of the rooms and beautiful paintings all over the walls. The staff were all super friendly with each other, regarded each other with politeness and laughter. It was refreshing, to say the least. 

Jace was already there when Phil arrived, sat in a booth in the corner. His hair, which was in tight black braids, was tied back into some sort of ponytail, and Phil liked it because it showed off his shaved sides. He was as good looking as the last time Phil had seen him, and Phil had a moment of guilt because he liked Jace, but he couldn’t help but feel as though he was _using_ him. 

Using him just like Nico had used Phil. 

He wanted to walk out, but he didn’t. Instead, he slowly made his way over to Jace until he caught sight of him, smiling that beautifully white smile that Phil definitely didn’t deserve. He stood up and Phil didn’t quite understand why until he was bringing him into a large hug. “Phil!” Jace exclaimed, backing away. His hug was warm, but it made the guilt _crushing_ to the point where Phil had to force a smile on his face. “How have you been? Your piercings look like they’re healing nicely.”

Phil nodded and sat down in the booth across from Jace. His fingers were shaking and he hid it by burying his hands between his thighs. _Stop it_ , he told himself, because there was nothing to be afraid of or guilty for. He was allowed to go on dates. He was _allowed_. “I’ve been doing pretty well,” he lied, because that’s what you do with people you barely knew. They weren’t supposed to know the darkness yet. “What have you been up to recently?”

Jace seemed pleased that he had asked, settling back in his chair and biting at his lip piercings. He had an orange Fanta sitting in front of him that he sipped at before replying. “Just been piercing people. The usual.” He shrugged and Phil watched the way his broad shoulders rippled as he did so. He was wearing a nice gray tank top that showed his muscles off, and for some reason that made Phil feel a bit nauseous. 

_Slut_ , his mind whispered, but he shook that off. Jace was a nice guy and he was taking Phil on a date. Phil couldn’t call him a slut because of his outfit choices. Outfit choices didn’t _matter_ \- but the voice in Phil’s head didn’t leave, and he hated how much it sounded like Nico.

They talked some more about what they’d been up to, Phil excluding the whole hiding-under-his-duvet-like-a-burrito part, and the nasty break-up that had resulted just after Phil had gotten his piercings It was nice, and Phil found himself relaxing slightly as Jace made him laugh a few time, his smile just warm enough despite the fact that Phil felt nothing. His phone vibrated and he reached to grab it, knowing that it was probably Dan, but the waitress walked up to him before he could read his message. 

“Welcome to Pizza Mia! My name’s Betsy and I’m going to be taking care of you today. Can I get you started with something to drink, or are y’all ready to order?” She was speaking mostly to Phil about the drink part, and he ordered a coke because he hadn’t really thought about it and that was the first thing that had come to his mind. 

Jace ended up ordering for them. Apparently he was a vegetarian, so he got a medium pizza with spinach, mushrooms, and red peppers for himself, while Phil got the exact opposite of that and put as many meats as he possibly could on his pizza. They were like two completely different people, and Phil couldn’t help but wonder if Jace would like him any less just because he ate meat, thinking _Nico was right, who would ever want me?_

He voiced these thoughts aloud once Betsy walked away, staring at the gray speckles on the table and mindlessly picking up a napkin to tear it between his fingers. “Are you bothered that I eat meat?” 

Jace laughed and shook his head. Phil glanced up to see that his eyes were shining, his face bright and not judgemental in the slightest. “Are you kidding? I’m not going to hate you just because you have a different lifestyle than me.” He put his head in his hand and winked as he said, “But I _may_ have you brush your teeth before I kiss you.”

It took a moment for the comment to sink in, but when it did, Phil couldn’t help but squeak, his entire face turning an ugly shade of red. He hid his face in his hands, trying to calm down a little bit. Still, he felt uneasy at the same time, even though he had no reason to. He had to remind himself that Jace was _not_ Nico. Jace was just trying to show Phil a good time and get to know him. That meant _flirting_. It wasn’t insidious. It wasn’t supposed to be. 

“I’ll brush my teeth, in that case,” Phil promised, because he didn’t know what else to say, eyes glinting and shy. 

It was the right thing to say apparently, because Jace’s grin was blinding in response. He could see why. He’d just admitted that Jace could kiss him. Although, Phil didn’t even know if he would _like_ that. He hasn’t kissed someone other than Nico for a year, and the thought of kissing someone new was honestly terrifying. He didn’t know if he wanted to, didn’t know _how_ to kiss someone else. 

Plus, that stupid _guilt_ was still crushing him from the inside out. He couldn’t help but feel as though he was cheating on Nico, knowing full well that he had broken up with Nico and was now about to get a restraining order. He was a mess. 

While Jace went on another rant, Phil dug his phone out of his pocket, clicking it open. He was right, he _did_ have a text from Dan. Pretty much the only people he texted were Dan, Jace, and Charlie. Occasionally Jane would text him, and he’d just started texting Ledjon too, but the only person who frequently checked up on him was Dan. 

**Dan Howell - 7:30pm**

**__** _Hi how are you doin? X_

The use of kisses in the text wasn’t anything weird from Dan. It was one of the ways that Dan showed he cared, and Phil had long since learnt not to be freaked out by it a very long time ago. It made his chest feel a bit warm to know that Dan cared about him that much.

He responded quickly to Dan because Jace was _still_ talking, and Phil couldn’t really fit a word in edgewise. He was a super talkative dude, while Phil was just more of a listener than anything else. He didn’t mind. It just got a bit hard to follow.

**Phil Lester - 7:31pm**

**__** _Good. on a date_

The response came as soon as Phil set his phone down, and he nearly laughed at Dan’s eagerness. He could practically imagine the shock now. Phil? On a _date_? It was a ridiculous picture, and yet here they were. 

**Dan Howell - 7:31pm**

**__** _A date? Since when have you been talking to someone?_

**Phil Lester - 7:32pm**

**__** _Jace. He did my piercings. We’ve been talking for a little bit now_

Their pizzas were placed in front of them then , and Phil set his phone down, deciding to ignore Dan’s surprise and instead focus on the delicious food in front of him. There was so much meat piled on top of Phil’s that he could barely see the cheese underneath, but that was alright by him. He wasn’t exactly the biggest cheese fan in the world, so he would much rather eat an entire meat pizza than one with a lot of gooey, disgusting cheese. Jace’s, on the other hand, had so much spinach that Phil’s nose crinkled up with disgust. He liked spinach, but that much? On a _pizza_? That was more like a pizza salad, in Phil’s opinion.

His own pizza was good, at least. He’s always liked the pizza here, so even if his date talked a little bit too much, at least his pizza was good. Phil gulped it down like a hungry wolf, and Jace laughed at him, knocking their feet together in a game of footsies. Phil let him, because he didn’t have anything against it, so that was fine. 

Even so, he felt as though he couldn’t completely enjoy his date. Sure, Jace was wonderful. He was attractive and had a great personality. He talked a lot and seemed to have cool hobbies, and the fact that he thought _Phil_ was pretty was a plus as well. But Phil just didn’t _feel_ anything for him. He felt like this was all wrong, like he wasn’t supposed to be here. Maybe he could be good friends with Jace, but this date? Phil didn’t want this. He didn’t _want_ this.

He wanted Nico, damn it, and he hated himself for the thought even crossing his mind. 

After they finished their dinner and got up to leave, Jace smiled at him, so large that it made his entire face shine bright like a star. “I had a lot of fun with you,” he said honestly, seeming like he put his whole heart into that sentence. 

The first thought Phil had was _how_? But he didn’t say that. Instead, he smiled, his face made out of plastic. Instead, he said, “Me too.”

“Can we do this again sometime soon?” Jace asked, hopefully, and Phil felt his stomach sink because Jace _definitely_ wanted to date him, and Phil didn’t know if he was capable of being a good boyfriend right then. 

Still, he put on his best smile, and nodded his head yes. “I would like that,” he replied robotically, and he could feel his body float away from his consciousness. Suddenly , he was back in the bath tub, rubbing at his skin until he could no longer feel the touch of Nico’s skin on his own. He completely shut down and let his body do the actions without any thought whatsoever. “Yeah, I would like that,” he said again.

And when Jace leaned up to kiss him, his lips soft and warm and _foreign_ , Phil kissed him back because that was what he was supposed to do.

-

**Dan Howell - 7:34pm**

**__** _Dont move into anything too fast yet. Pls take care of yourself first_

**Dan Howell - 8:10pm**

**__** _Phil?_


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes warnings for a bad panic attack and hints of PTSD. i work all day tomorrow so im uploading this slightly early. pls remember that this fic is based off of real experiences, so this fic is not true for everyone who has been in an abusive relationship, but it does hold many truths to it and many real feelings! thanks to @snowbunnylester for editing this for me! The lyrics at the beginning of this fic are from the song Pine by Basement!

_I don't love you, I just need to be loved. Want me; I need you to want me. I hate myself, but that's okay because I never have enough_.

-

**Nico Caragen - 2:12am __**__

_Im sorry i hurt u. I miss u so much. What can i do to fix this?_

**Message Deleted.**

-

Two weeks and four days after the idea was proposed to him, Phil got the restraining order. 

It took a lot out of him, a lot of resistance on his part. He cried as he filled out the paperwork, but he felt strangely numb despite it all. There was a little section on the form that told him to explain why he was getting the restraining order, and he stared at it for moments on end because he didn’t know what to put exactly. It was such a little box, but there was _so much_ that had happened that there was no way he could possible put it all in there. 

He glanced up at the receptionist lady and gnawed his lip before speaking up, comforted slightly by the presence of Dan beside him. “Is this all the space I have to write in?” he asked quietly, somewhat confused. How would they be able to tell if he needed the restraining order if he could barely write what had happened in that tiny box? 

The woman barely glanced up, but she _did_ flash him a quick smile before going back to typing. “If you need to write more, you can just write the rest on the back of the page,” she said distractedly, pushing her glasses higher up her nose with one finger.

Phil nodded and glanced down at the piece of paper, his pen hovering over the space with such hesitance that it would made a turtle start to cry. He put the pen to the paper, drawing a line, a single ‘ _I_ ’ that looked out of place on the paper. 

He didn’t know what to write, because in his mind, Nico hadn’t done anything that bad. 

“I have no idea what to write,” he whispered to Dan, who put his arm around Phil’s shoulders and began to rub softly. 

“Write about the bad experiences,” he replied calmly. “Ignore the good things. Just focus on the bad and write those down.”

Phil swallowed the lump in his throat and tried to think back on his experiences. They’d been together for _so long_ , how was he supposed to remember every little thing? There were moments that stood out to him, but he couldn’t remember everything, and that bothered him. Since when had he stopped hanging onto every word Nico had said, instead casting it away to the back of his memory? At the time, each moment had felt like the most important time of Phil’s life. But now?

It meant nothing. 

He wrote the sentence before he could think about it, his hand forming the loops and dashes to make words. When he reread the sentence, he wanted to stop, he wanted to _quit_ , because he didn’t even know if they were true. 

And yet there they were, written by him in green ink, staring him in the face until he was quivering in Dan’s grip. 

_‘I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with Nico Caragen for a year._ ’

He flinched, gagged on his spit, and Dan rubbed his back. 

“It’s okay,” he whispered. “I’m so proud of you. You’re doing so well.”

That’s the only reason why Phil picked the pen up again and began to write. He wrote about everything he could possibly think of; the slut shaming, the ripping off clothes, the withdrawal of affection - and then, the deeper stuff; the knives, the suffocation, the breaking items, the _slap_. 

Phil didn’t feel anything as he wrote. He could only focus on the memories that were haunting his mind until he could no longer see the green pen in front of him. Instead, the pen was replaced with green eyes, filled with so much fury that Phil gasped aloud. 

He flung the pen against the counter, scrabbling away as quickly as he possibly could. He wrenched himself out of Dan’s grasp and crowded against the wall, ignoring the concerned questions of the receptionist. 

Green eyes filled with fury, a nose that crinkled up when he was mad. Nico was going to be _pissed_ at him, was going to _hurt_ him. What was Phil even thinking, trying to get a restraining order when it would do nothing but upset Nico? He had no reason to get a restraining order, had only done so because he was drowning in too much self pity for himself. 

God, he was so selfish. He never should have done this. He could hear Nico now, his haunting tone, could feel his fingers wrapping around Phil’s wrist. “ _Why the fuck would you get a restraining order_?” He would say, his voice taunting. “ _Am I not enough for you? Do you really think I’m like my father? Is that what you’re saying_?” 

Phil let out a choked sob and shook his head. _No_ , he screamed back. Nico was nothing like his father! He didn’t abuse anybody, didn’t harm them, didn’t _molest_ people! He wasn’t like his father, and Phil had no right to claim that he was.

What was he doing here again?

“Phil.”

A voice spoke, and for a moment it sounded like a warped version of Nico’s but softer, much more calming. It didn’t hold a hint of venom or malice, and it was rather comforting. Phil shook his head. He didn’t want to speak with Nico right now. 

“Phil, take some deep breaths. It’s Dan. It’s just me.”

Dan. Dan. _Dan_. 

Phil reached towards the voice with a muddy hand, grimy from swimming through the depths of his mind. He opened his eyes, found that he was laying on the floor with Dan kneeling beside him, holding him so he was on his side and not on his back. Phil blinked, rubbed his eyes. He didn’t know how he had gotten to the floor, but by the looks of the receptionist making panicky phone calls, he must have passed out for a moment. 

“How did I get on the floor?” Phil rasped out, struggling to try and stand up. 

Dan pushed him back down with a gentle hand and a reassuring smile. “Stay down for a moment so you don’t pass out again,” he advised before saying, “You freaked out and started hyperventilating. I think you hyperventilated so much that you ended up fainting. I caught you before you hit the ground though, so you didn’t hit your head.”

Phil laid his head back against Dan’s shoulder. Now that he was getting his mind back, the echoes of Nico’s voice fading, he could comprehend that Dan was holding him, Phils back against his chest, his head laying on Dan’s shoulder. 

He couldn’t seem to wrap his head around what had happened, but maybe because that was because his head was still spinning and felt muggy. His head was a swamp filled with algae that he was trying to crawl out of, but couldn’t seem to find his way to land. 

“Is he okay?” the receptionist asked in a louder tone so they could hear her, as though the room wasn’t quiet already. She was leaning over the desk, staring at them with a concerned face, and Phil found himself nodding, shrugging Dan off, and standing to his feet. 

He only wobbled a little, and Dan was there to grab his elbow, steadying him easily without telling him that he shouldn’t stand. “‘M fine,” Phil muttered, making his way back over to the desk. He grabbed a blue pen this time, made sure that the green pen was out of his sight, and finished writing as quickly as possible, his fingers as numb as his mind. 

When he was done, he slumped against Dan’s side, feeling exhausted. The receptionist took the offending sheet of paper and pen away from him, told them that she would take this to the judge right away, and to sit in the waiting room. She said that it shouldn’t take more than a few hours to make a decision, and Phil’s stomach sank because he didn’t want to wait that long. He wanted to _get out_. Now. 

They sat on a bench in the waiting room, and Dan slung his arm around Phil’s shoulders so that Phil could settle into his side. He set his head on Dan’s shoulder and closed his eyes, listening to the calming sound of Dan’s breathing. He was exhausted, and he couldn’t help but wonder if this had been a good idea after all. 

“Let’s celebrate after this,” Dan murmured, and his hand was massaging through Phil’s scalp just how he liked. It reminded Phil a little bit of the way Nico used to do it, made him shake, but Dan kept talking, so Phil was able to calm himself down enough to convince himself that it _wasn’t_ Nico who was touching him. 

“Celebrate how?” Phil mumbled back. He didn’t really want to celebrate, didn’t think this was _worth_ celebrating, but he knew Dan was just trying to help him.

“What d’ya say we get together some of our friends and go to that nice bakery down the street you’ve always wanted to go to?” Phil paused. He _had_ wanted to go to this bakery for a very long time. He could always smell the fresh baking bread every time he passed, sweet and mouth-watering, and he always had to pry himself away from the shop window. “We could call up Charlie and Jane and Jace, if you’d like. Maybe Ledjon as well? I know you’ve been texting him a little bit and it’d be a nice way to get to know him.” 

Phil gnawed on his lip. That was a _lot_ of people. He wasn’t really in the mood to socialise. It was just so exhausting, so time consuming, and Phil wanted to cry back at home about how he would never be able to talk to Nico again. But he knew that Dan would not let him do that, so he just nodded quietly and let Dan text his friends with the plan. Phil told him to emit the part where Phil had gotten a restraining order, and Dan just nodded and didn’t question why.

It seemed like hours later when the receptionist finally came back, and she had a thin smile on her lips that made Phil perk up. It’d only been about twenty minutes. There was no way that the judges had made a decision that quickly. “The judge has decided to accept your request. We will inform Nico Caragen tomorrow morning.” She went on to say that Nico was no longer allowed to be within twenty feet of Phil, and that the restraining order was effective for two years. But Phil couldn’t really hear her through the roaring in his ears.

What was supposed to take _hours_ to come to a decision had only taken twenty minutes. They’d read Phil’s request and hadn’t even needed him to testify, hadn’t even needed him to _speak_. They took his word, his written word, and had decided that Phil’s situation was bad enough that Nico will not be allowed to be near him or talk to him for two years. 

For the first time since Phil had broken up with Nico, Phil realized that his situation had been _bad_. 

He moved like a zombie after that. Dan thanked the receptionist and grabbed Phil’s hand to pull him out of the building. He chattered to Phil about how proud he was, that Phil was such a strong person for doing that. Phil didn’t think he was strong. If anything, he was _weak_. 

He couldn’t even look at a fucking green pen without freaking out. How did that make him strong? Why would that make Dan proud?

Phil had been _destroyed_. That was nothing to be proud of. All this time, Phil had allowed himself to be _abused_ , badly enough that it had taken the court twenty minutes to decide that Phil needed to be saved from Nico, and he’d almost let it go on. He’d been weak enough to allow someone to _destroy_ him. 

That wasn’t strength. That was weakness.

They met up with their friends at the bakery, but Phil was still in a weird mood. He was exhausted, felt as though he were floating on a cloud. There was cotton wool in his ears that made it hard to hear, as though everyone were speaking underwater. His friends hugged him, told him that they’d missed him, but Phil barely felt a touch. 

Jace kissed him on the lips, and Phil shrank away from him, his lips burning. Jace tried to hold his hand, but Phil’s skin began to crawl with the affection, so he withdrew it, stuffing his hand in his pockets instead. He saw Jace frown, and Phil didn’t look into his eyes, didn’t want to see the concern and betrayal there. Phil didn’t know why he didn’t want to hold hands or display affection, but he felt awkward in front of his friends. Dan was watching, and it seemed as though he were staring through them for a moment. Charlie and Ledjon were chattering off to the side, and Jane was introducing herself to Ledjon.

No one was paying attention to Phil or Jace, and yet Phil felt as if everyone were watching them. He felt as though his skin was crawling and like everything was _wrong, wrong, wrong._ Maybe coming out after the restraining order had been a bad idea, but Phil was weak, and he didn’t know how to say no, so he’d let Dan drag him to a social outing when Phil was not in the correct mindset to care about _anything_. 

“Why don’t you want to hold my hand?” Jace’s question shocked Phil out of his sorry thoughts, and Phil blinked. His eyes were dry, too dry, almost sticky, like a chameleon trying to blink. 

The words were out before Phil could stop them, and a cold chill went down his spine at the familiarity of the words. “I have anxiety.” 

He was disgusting, a monster, and he knew it. He didn’t know why he said it, because it wasn’t really true. He just didn’t want to hold hands, didn’t want to kiss Jace. He didn’t want to make out in front of their friends. He didn’t want to kiss _anybody_. He didn’t know why he’d gotten himself into such a mess. 

Jace’s eyes softened though, and he nodded, making Phil feel like the biggest piece of shit there ever was. Jace didn’t deserve this. Phil knew he didn’t, and yet, he couldn’t seem to just tell Jace that he deserved better, that Jace should just break up with Phil and find someone who could actually love him. 

“That’s alright,” Jace said quietly. “I understand.” 

Phil wanted to tell him that he didn’t understand, that nobody did, but he kept it in, biting his lip to stop himself from speaking. Instead, he just gave Jace a tight lipped smile and forced himself to give Jace’s shoulder a friendly squeeze. He would make it up to Jace later in the form of heated kisses in the dark of Phil’s room, the dull glow of the stars on Phil’s ceiling judging Phil with every move he made. 

They all made their way into the bakery, and Phil’s friends chattered away with bright smiles and cheery attitudes. Phil tried to join in on the conversation, but he couldn’t help but feel tired. Exhausted, even. Whatever it was that had happened earlier had made him feel as though his feet were cinderblocks and his mind was weighed down by a million thoughts that refused to dissipate. 

They all ordered pastries, and Phil ordered some sort of scone that was lemon flavoured, which seemed interesting, as well as a coffee. He ordered it black, because he liked it the way, the darkness of the drink contrasting with the porcelain of the mug. As emo as it sounded, it reminded him of his soul. When they sat down, Ledjon sat on one side of Phi,l and Jace sat on the other. Dan frowned at that, but he shook his head at Phil’s questioning look. Apparently the reason for his frown wasn’t that important, but Phil didn’t really believe him. 

As the rest of his friends chattered amongst themselves, Ledjon turned to Phil. They’d been texting a bit over the last few days and Phil had quickly realised that Ledjon didn’t have any horrible intentions. He was genuinely concerned about Phil and his wellbeing, and he reminded Phil a bit of Dan in that way. He had a gentle smile on his face, and his voice was quiet so that the others couldn’t hear him when he spoke. “How are you feeling today?” 

Phil shrugged, thinking about what’d happened in the courtroom earlier. “Not great,” he admitted. “Got a restraining order and then ended up passing out. It was really strange. Don’t know what happened exactly.” 

Ledjon hummed and took a bite of his pastry. It seemed to be some sort of chocolate croissant, and Phil watched as his tongue darted out to lick off a bit of the chocolate that spilled onto his lip. “D’ya think it was an anxiety attack? Panic attack? Whatever it is that the kids call it these days?”

An anxiety attack. Phil has heard of those before. They were categorized by a feeling of extreme anxiety that was triggered by a specific stimulus. Except the last Phil heard, anxiety attacks didn’t exactly include fainting. 

He voiced this much to Ledjon, who shrugged his shoulders and took another thoughtful bite of his croissant. “I dunno, man. Anxiety attacks are different for everyone. Just because not many people pass out when they experience one doesn’t mean _you_ don’t either. I’m just saying; it’s a possibility.”

Phil liked Ledjon. He thought he was kind. He also thought he stuck his nose into Phil’s business when he shouldn’t. “I’m sure it was nothing,” Phil responded quietly. He picked at his scone, but he wasn’t really hungry anymore. “If it keeps happening, maybe I’ll go see a doctor.”

“I think that’s a good idea.”

Phil’s phone buzzed and he furrowed his eyebrows, glancing down at it. His only friends were at the table with him, so who could be texting him? 

As it turned out, it was Dan. Even though he was sitting across the table from Phil, he had still sent a text. It made Phil’s lips turn up in a fond smile. The idiot. 

**Dan Howell - 4:56pm**

**__** _you ok? you look like youre gonna murder someone._

Phil glanced up and made eye contact with Dan, whose eyebrows were raised pointedly. It made Phil’s smile grow wider. 

**Phil Lester - 4:57pm**

**__** _just peachy. kinda wanna go home tho. movie marathon tonight?_

**Dan Howell - 4:57pm**

**__** _im thinkin Baby Driver. you in?_

**Phil Lester - 4:58pm**

**__** _you know id kill a man to watch Baby Driver. im in :)_

With the promise of watching one of his favourite movies later with one of his favourite people, getting through the social outing was just a tad easier. He talked when he needed to talk, laughed when someone told a joke, and kissed Jace before he left, promising to hang out the next day as he was too tired to do so tonight. 

He appreciated all of his friends and what they’d done for him, how they were still there for him, but even so, socialising for that long had been extremely tiring. 

So tiring, in fact, that he fell asleep on Dan’s shoulder approximately twenty minutes into the movie. 

-

Just as Phil had promised, he and Jace hung out the very next day. 

They'd been together for a few weeks now, but Phil was ashamed to admit that while Jace was a nice guy, Phil didn't really like him all too much. Sure, he _liked_ him, but Phil didn’t get butterflies like he had when he’d met Nico. He didn’t get that fuzzy feeling in his chest like flowers were going to bloom inside of his lungs, didn’t blush when Jace kissed his cheek, and his kisses just left Phil feeling cold and empty. 

It was as if there were something niggling at his mind, something telling him that this was _wrong_. He had an inkling about why he may feel that way, but he hated the thought of it more than anything. 

Phil didn't feel the same desire as he did with Nico. He didn't belong to Jace. He belonged to Nico and nobody else. 

So when Jace told him he loved him for the first time that day, Phil didn't feel the overwhelming sense of excitement like he had with Nico. Instead, his stomach dropped, his whole body turned tense, and his smile became fake. Where a warm and inviting person used to be, Phil had suddenly been replaced with a plastic mannequin, one that smiled and looked happy, but was fake through and through. 

"I love you too," he said, turning his face down towards his feet so he couldn't see Jace's response. He felt bile rising in his throat, threatening to come out, and he didn't want Jace to know. He didn't want anybody to know. 

He just wanted to be _normal_ for once. A person who could gladly tell their boyfriend they loved them without feeling like they were going to puke on their shoes.

He didn’t want his boyfriend to know that he was a liar and a fake, that he would tell a boy he loved him without meaning it because he was afraid to be alone. He just wanted to be needed, to be _wanted_. 

Jace provided that for him. He gave Phil kisses and told him how amazing he was. He bought him candy on the days when he could see Phil, and his entire expression lit up when he caught sight of Phil. 

Phil definitely didn’t deserve that, but he didn't know how to tell Jace that he didn’t love him, that he was only with him because he wanted to prove to Nico that somebody else _did_ want him. That somebody else _would_ love him. He didn’t know how to tell Jace that without hurting him deeply, though, so he kept his mouth shut and told him he loved him, the lies under his tongue choking him like poison. 

He didn’t know when this had happened or how this had happened, he didn’t know when he’d started to use people for his own personal gain, but now that he’d started, he couldn’t stop. He wanted to patch up all of the pain that Nico had caused him bit by bit, piece by piece. 

He would patch himself up with loving words and kisses, with a man who was far too good for him, with a soul that didn’t deserve to be destroyed. Phil would use fake declarations of love to make himself feel whole again, and he didn’t give a damn who he hurt in the process 

Sadly, Jace was just the one who had to be dragged into it, but that wasn’t Phil’s problem. 


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes warnings for anxiety, cheating, and non-descriptive sex. thanks to @snowbunnylester for editing this for me! The lyrics at the beginning of this fic are from the song Call Your Girlfriend by Robyn!

_It won’t make sense right now, but you’re still her friend. And then you let her down easy._

-

“Where are you going?” 

Phil turned, flinching, his heart beating fast. He didn’t know why he’d flinched, but the sudden voice, paired with the words, made him feel as though he were going to _die_ , and he didn’t really know why. His heart was a train in his chest, and it didn’t calm down even when he recognised the voice, knew that it was Dan, knew that Dan was just asking him in genuine curiosity why Phil was suddenly leaving the house with no explanation. 

The words had been said curiously, not angrily, and suddenly Phil had no idea why he’d reacted the way he had.

Phil took a deep breath before he answered. He knew that he was being strange, kind of secretive. He knew that he was a piece of shit for abandoning Dan at his _own house_ while he went out for the first time in _weeks_. “I’m meeting up with Ledjon,” Phil responded quietly. He messed with a loose string on his jeans, looking at his boots. 

“Oh!” Dan exclaimed, his eyebrows raising with surprise. Phil didn’t know why he was so surprised. Phil was allowed to have _friends_. “Okay, yeah! Yeah, that’s great!”

He was too enthusiastic. It made Phil’s palms begin to sweat. He tried to get over that, tried to tell himself that everything was okay and that Dan wasn’t actually upset with him for going out with other friends, but he couldn’t seem to stop his mind from running, from telling him that everything he was doing was _wrong, wrong, wrong_. Was Dan actually mad that he was going to hang out with someone else by himself? Did he not want to stay with Phil anymore? 

Phil was frozen between the door and Dan, torn. He didn’t know what to do. He stared at the door, at the handle, at how easy it would be to leave. But then he looked at Dan, his smooth face, that smile. Was there a hint of maliciousness in that smile? Was this a test to see what Phil would choose? If Phil chose Ledjon, would Dan leave him?

Dan’s expression turned into a frown and Phil braced himself, squaring his shoulders to prepare himself for the onslaught of yelling that was probably about to take place. Dan was probably going to tell him how he wasn’t allowed to see Ledjon, that he wasn’t allowed to have other friends, that Dan didn’t want him to _go_. 

But no. Instead, Dan just asked, “Are you okay?” in a soft voice, and Phil’s shoulders relaxed only slightly.

“I’m fine,” he lied because he didn’t want to admit that there was something wrong with him in the first place. He wanted Dan to believe him, to back off and stop questioning everything he did for a split second. So he put on his strong face and grinned brightly at Dan. “I just wanted to hang out with Ledjon for a bit, if that’s alright.”

Dan nodded and he smiled back, reaching out to put his hand on Phil’s shoulder. “Of course it’s okay, I’m not your handler, Phil,” he said quietly. “I’m really glad that you’re going to hang out with a friend.”

Phil shook his head. “You and I have been hanging out everyday for like two months!”

“But it’s not the _same_ ,” Dan sighed dramatically, rolling his eyes. “You need to see your other friends too. Which is why I’m glad you’re seeing Ledjon.”

Phil could tell that Dan meant it by the way his eyes shone, so soft, so caring. Phil got an overwhelming urge in his stomach to hug him, so he silently held his arms open wide, very much asking for an embrace. 

Dan didn’t think twice before giving it. His arms wrapped around Phil’s shoulders and Phil buried himself into Dan’s chest. Dan was warm and he smelled like a mahogany cologne, and it was familiar and relaxing in the best of ways. Dan stroked his hair lightly. “You have fun with Ledjon, okay? I’ll be here when you get back.”

Phil nodded wordlessly, squeezed Dan tightly, and finally let go. He didn’t want to let go, but hugging for that long was probably weird, so societal norms ended up taking over his brain. He felt like one of those hug wolves from Adventure Time, thirsting for affection. 

“I’ll be home soon,” he said, and then he turned and slowly left.

-

**Jace Owens - 2:47pm**

**__** _Hi babe, just wanted to drop by and say i love you and i hope youre having a good day!_

**Phil Lester - 3:01pm**

**__** _Love u too. Im just having a lazy day today, watching some cartoons with dan. Miss u_

**Jace Owens - 3:02pm**

**__** _Miss you too! Tell dan i said hello_

**Phil Lester - 3:10pm**

**__** _Will do_

-

Ledjon was nice. Phil liked hanging out with Ledjon. He was soft and kind and just a little bit quirky. He made Phil laugh and he was the only person who had experienced what Phil had gone through with Nico. Aside from Dan, Ledjon was another person who Phil could just talk to for hours without the fear of judgement, all because Ledjon had gone through the same things. 

His smile was warm and _he_ was warm. Phil liked him, liked being around him, because he made Phil feel at ease. They didn’t do much together, but Ledjon always made Phil a nice cup of coffee whenever he came over, and then they’d have a late brunch with scrambled eggs. The first time Phil saw Ledjon put salsa on his eggs, Phil had crinkled his nose in disgust before he tried it and realised that it was actually _really good_ , and now they ate their salsa-y eggs together with old school Evanescence playing in the background. 

Bring Me to Life was blasting on high that afternoon, and Ledjon was singing it loudly and dramatically. He grabbed his fork and used it as a microphone, a little bit of egg flinging from the utensil and onto the floor. Phil watched the egg with rapt fascination as it splattered against the linoleum. A bit of red salsa painted the tile like blood spatter, and Phil couldn’t seem to tear his eyes away from it. Ledjon’s bad singing filled his ears, but he suddenly couldn’t _hear_ anything. 

Maybe the egg was a metaphor for Phil’s life; a squashed egg on the floor, innards dripping out, staining the beautiful white flooring. Iconic. 

Phil was disrupted from his thoughts by Ledjon pushing his chair back, making a disgusting squeaking noise on the tile. He looked up to see Ledjon smiling softly down at him. “You finished?” he asked. Phil silently looked at his plate. He had only eaten a few bites of his food. He nodded anyways and handed his plate to Ledjon, who took it to the sink and started rinsing it off. 

Phil cleared his throat. “So you don’t live with Nico anymore?” he asked, and his voice broke on the name. Apparently he couldn’t even speak about him correctly. Phil was the worst kind of human. 

Ledjon hummed and shook his head. “No. We moved out a few weeks ago. He didn’t want to put up with me and I didn’t want to put up with him. That’s all there is to it.” He smiled and his hand gripped tightly to the sponge. His knuckles turned white. “I couldn’t stay here with him any longer. Not when I could hear him in the other room just _using_ people. _Abusing_ people.”

A knot appeared in Phil’s stomach at the term _abuse_ , at the fact that Nico had just been using him. He hadn’t heard anything from Chandler since he’d last texted Chandler all those weeks ago, but the knowledge that Nico was cheating on her… _abusing_ her, made something both evil and frightening ignite his bones. For some reason, Phil was glad. He was glad that she was getting a taste of what had happened to him. He was glad that Nico was cheating on her. He was glad that Nico was just _using_ her for his own gain. 

It was sick. _He_ was sick. He shouldn’t wish this on anybody, shouldn’t wish for the same thing that had happened to him to happen to someone else, whether they’d done him wrong or not. Chandler used to be his best friend, and she was just like him; so blind-sided by Nico’s charm that she couldn’t see the manipulation and lies just underneath the surface. 

And yet, Phil felt the satisfaction brimming beneath the surface of his mind. Maybe she would understand what had happened to him once Nico finished with her, would understand why Phil was now suddenly absolutely fucking _crazy_ , why he couldn’t look at a goddamn pen without passing out.

Maybe then she would understand why he’d needed her to tell him so badly that he was in an abusive relationship and that he needed to get out _months_ before this could all happen. 

He wanted to tell her the same thing, but he had no doubt in his mind that she would shame him and would shit on his beliefs and make him feel even more insane than he already did. Besides, he’d made a mental promise to himself not to talk to Chandler ever again after she’d blamed him for Nico’s cheating. Phil didn’t need that in his life when he was already hurting so deeply.

“Phil?” 

Phil hummed, blinking, and glanced up at Ledjon, whose brow was furrowed. It was then that he realised that he’d completely zoned out and hadn’t responded or even acknowledged what Ledjon had been saying. He felt strangely empty inside, void of emotions, and it was strange, but he should be used to it by now. 

“You doin’ okay, mate?” 

Phil nodded. He stood up and felt like he was going to stumble, but he didn’t. He stood tall and met Ledjon’s eyes, forcing a smile onto his face. “I’m great,” he lied through his teeth. Lying came easy for him now, and he didn’t want to think about why that was or when it’d started to be so normalized in his life. 

Hadn’t he just lied to Jace a few hours ago? 

Phil and Ledjon ended up sitting on the couch together watching television. They were watching Gravity Falls, which brought Phil back to the times when he and Nico had been cuddled up together on the couch, watching the same cartoon while Phil laughed at the lighthearted jokes and Nico ran gentle fingers through his hair. The memory was cloudy now, and Phil’s throat closed up a little bit because he could hardly remember what Nico’s voice sounded like, or the way his lips felt pressed to his forehead. 

Shouldn’t he be glad for that? Why did it still hurt? 

He and Ledjon were watching the episode about Manotaurs and how Dipper really wanted to be more manly. The jokes about high testosterone used to make Phil laugh aloud, but now he just stared at the television with an empty gaze while Ledjon giggled beside him. Their thighs were touching, and Phil’s eyes were drawn to how close they were. They were so close that Phil could feel Ledjon’s warmth seeping through his jeans. He was so warm that it made Phil crave- crave _something_ , anything. He didn’t really know what, other than the fact that he _craved_ and Ledjon’s thigh was burning a hole through his trousers, and Phil really didn’t want to pay attention to Gravity Falls anymore or how Dipper had gotten his first chest hair. 

His phone vibrated twice in a row, and Phil fished it out of his pocket, snapping out of his weird trance for a millisecond. He read over the two text messages, one from Dan, one from Jace, but he didn’t feel anything at all, and that frightened him.

**Dan Howell - 7:23pm**

**__** _Hope youre having fun with ledjon! I had some of the leftover pasta in your fridge, i hope you dont mind soz_

**Jace Owens - 7:23pm**

**__** _Hi baby i hope youre having fun with dan. I love you!_

Phil groaned and flopped to the side at Jace’s message. This just made him nuzzle into Ledjon’s side, which was foreign but not exactly unwelcome. Ledjon jumped a bit, made a surprised noise, before hesitantly putting his arm around Phil’s shoulders, his touch soft and completely unsure. Phil didn’t blame him for that. _He_ was unsure as well. 

He eventually decided not to text Jace back, instead opting to text Dan a confirmation that he could eat all of the pasta he wanted before setting his phone on the coffee table where he couldn’t grab it without reaching for it. He tried to focus back on the next episode of Gravity Falls, one resembling Street Fighter, but his head was swimming and his thoughts were too loud to focus again.

He shuffled a bit, and rested his head on Ledjon’s shoulder. He could smell the cologne that Ledjon wore; something flowery and musky, somewhat like sandalwood. Ledjon was rubbing a hand over his shoulder, and it was soothing, but it was all that Phil could focus on anymore. Maybe he just didn’t want to watch Gravity Falls anymore - the longing for Nico, for being _held_ by Nico becoming too much. 

His lips quivered like his hands, and he squeezed his eyes shut for a moment so he could take a deep breath, but he was only choked by the musky scent of Ledjon. Ledjon, who was there for him, who understood him, who _cared_ for him, and who currently had his arm wrapped around him like he was trying to protect him from all harm. 

Phil turned his head up to look at him, and their faces were so close that when Ledjon glanced down at him, Phil’s nose grazed the facial hair on Ledjon’s chin. He could see green in Ledjon’s blue eyes. It was quite pleasing to look at, in all honesty. The green reminded Phil of Nico’s eyes, and for a second, Phil could have sworn that he was on the couch with Nico and not Ledjon.

Maybe that was why he suddenly leaned forward, pressing their lips together in a questioning kiss. 

Ledjon didn’t taste anything like Nico, and the noise he made didn’t sound like Nico either, but it felt good. For the first time since Nico, Phil didn’t feel numb when he was kissing someone. Ledjon pulled away and his eyes were wide, filled with uncertainty. 

“Phil, what are you doing?” he whispered, but Phil just hushed him by kissing him again. 

He didn’t know what he was doing. All he knew was that he needed a distraction, something to stop him from thinking about the way Nico’s hands had once curled through his hair, or the way Nico’s fingertips had once pressed tightly into his hips. 

“Just kiss me,” Phil said, and he didn’t like how it sounded like he was begging. He heard his phone vibrate on the table, and he grew just a bit more desperate, his hands wrapping up in Ledjon’s shirt like he was his lifeline. “Please,” he added, and then he kissed Ledjon again.

This time, Ledjon didn’t pull away. He wasn’t as rough as Nico, and his lips were slightly larger than Nico’s were too. Phil could feel his facial hair scratching at his face, a reminder that he _wasn’t_ Nico, but Phil pulled him closer anyway and tangled his hands into Ledjon’s hair to keep him close. Ledjon didn’t kiss with his tongue like Nico did. He didn’t grab Phil’s face to keep him in place. His lips were soft and not forceful. His movements were calculated, caring, like Phil was a piece of glass that he was afraid to break.

Phil growled and pulled away, resting their foreheads together so he could look Ledjon straight in the eyes. He wasn’t thinking anymore, animalistic instincts taking over completely. “Be rough with me,” Phil ordered gruffly. “I want you to kiss me like you hate me. I want you to fucking destroy me.”

Ledjon, still confused, just nodded and sat back as Phil climbed onto his lap and reattached their lips. He was rougher this time, biting and nipping at Phil’s lips until they were bitten red and swollen. His hands gripped onto Phil’s hips, his fingers tightening until Phil could swear they were leaving behind purple bruises that he would later be able to connect like constellations on his skin. 

There was a heat in Phil’s body that only intensified by the minute. Gravity Falls was forgotten behind them as Phil ground down onto Ledjon. He didn’t think as he stripped both of their shirts off, throwing them to the floor where they would stay for the next few hours. His mind was blank as he begged Ledjon to fuck him hard and rough, hard enough to leave Phil gasping in both pain and pleasure. 

But the best part of it all was that Phil could finally _feel_ something. He could feel something other than the vast emptiness inside of his chest that had been there for weeks now. Yes, it was a feeling of pain, but at least it was _something_. 

When they’d finished, they laid on opposite sides of the couch in complete silence. Phil had a blanket wrapped around his entire naked body, and his hips hurt, and his throat hurt and eyes were watering, but it was _good_. He stared at the ceiling and wondered when he’d started to stray from his vanilla sex life into someone who needed pain to feel a burst of emotion in his otherwise empty chest. 

He wondered when he’d become the type of person to cheat on his partner with one of his close friends. With who used to be _Nico’s_ _roommate_. 

He didn’t know what Ledjon was thinking, but he had been quiet the entire time he’d helped Phil clean up, a slight frown on his face. Phil wondered if the sex had been bad for him, if he thought Phil was a dirty slut. He wondered if he was going to tell Nico. 

He fucking hoped so. 

“Tell him.”

Ledjon looked at Phil then. Phil didn’t have to glance away from the ceiling to know that. He could feel his eyes on him from across the bed. 

“What are you on about, Phil?” he asked. His voice sounded tired. Phil wondered if Ledjon hated him. 

And yet, Phil spoke anyway. His voice was hoarse, a mere whisper. “Tell Nico we slept together.” He looked at Ledjon then, his eyes pleading. “Please. Please hurt him like he’s hurt us.”

Ledjon sighed and he moved closer to Phil, which Phil thought was a good thing. He took his hand, and his hand was cold. Very cold. It wasn’t as warm of a touch as Nico’s, or even Dan’s for that matter. 

“Phil, listen.” Phil cocked his head. He was listening. “I’m not going to tell Nico what we did. I’m not going to tell _anybody_.”

Phil’s eyebrows furrowed and a shock of disappointment went through him, followed by anger. Was Ledjon really that embarrassed of him? Had the sex really been that bad? “Well why the fuck not? You didn’t seem to have any problem fucking my brains out ten minutes ago, so loud that the neighbours could probably hear.” He was angry, shaking. He felt like he was worthless, like he was bad at sex and that was why Ledjon didn’t want to tell anybody about this. 

Maybe that was why Nico had found somebody else to screw so quickly.

“Phil, Phil, no, hey.” Ledjon’s voice broke through Phil’s insecurities, and he squeezed Phil’s hand tightly in his own. Phil wanted to smack his hand away, suddenly not wanting to be touched, but he didn’t dare do so because he was frozen in place, frozen under that blue-green gaze. “I’m not saying I regret what we did, and I’m not trying to reject you. It’s just not going to be in either of our best interests if anybody - Nico especially - knows about this. You… you have _Jace_ , and even knowing that…” he trailed off and Phil’s eyes were drawn to the dark blue sheets and how they were so blue they were almost black, almost like a bruise. “I love you, okay? A lot. But I love you as a _friend_. I never want to hurt you, and I never wanted something like this to happen that could potentially ruin our friendship.”

 _I love you_. Those words again. Even in this context, even knowing that Ledjon meant it platonically, Phil’s heart still sped up. He clenched his teeth tight and tried to stop the sudden watering of his eyes so that he didn’t burst into tears right then and there. 

Suddenly, he felt dirty. He felt used. He didn’t want to be here, didn’t want to face Ledjon anymore. He was embarrassed about how needy and desperate he’d been only an hour before, how he hadn’t really given Ledjon a choice and had just begged him to make him _feel_ something. The bruises on his hips suddenly felt like they were on fire, and his tongue was swollen in his mouth. He was still naked but he suddenly wished that he had his clothes on. 

Ledjon didn’t want him, and he’d cheated on Jace, just like Nico had cheated on him. Phil was exactly the kind of person he hated, and neither Ledjon nor Jace deserved that. 

“I’m sorry,” Phil whispered, taking in a deep, shaky breath, wrapping the sheet around his body and standing up. “I would like to be friends still I just… I need to get out of here. I’m so sorry.” 

Ledjon sat upright and started to make his way over to Phil, reaching out, but Phil flinched away from his touch, his heart roaring in his ears. Ledjon’s hands dropped to his side and he looked helpless. Phil didn’t like that he’d caused that. “Can I at least make sure you get home okay and walk you home?” 

Phil shook his head and started throwing his clothes on, not caring that his shirt was on backwards and he’d put his socks on inside out. Ledjon stopped him, tsking, and Phil could do nothing else but still, his mind spinning. With gentle hands, careful not to touch him, Ledjon put Phil’s hoodie on for him. 

“At least wrap up properly,” he said softly, and Phil nodded numbly, thanking him in spirit rather than using words. He didn’t know if he could speak just then even if he wanted to. 

It wasn’t long after that that Phil found his way out the door, shoving his phone into his pocket without looking at any of the messages. He knew what he would find there; another text from Dan, and probably multiple texts from Jace that would make his stomach churn as though he were going to throw up everything he’d eaten that day. Phil didn’t want to think about Jace, didn’t want to think about how he’d done exactly what Nico had done to him. 

He couldn’t help but think that he was turning out to be exactly like Nico, and that frightened him to no end. 

Later, when he got home, his face feeling numb from the bitter outside air, Dan greeted him at the door. At that point, Phil knew he should probably just ask Dan to move in with him considering he was there all the time anyway, but he didn’t want to think about that just now. He was too upset over the fact that he didn’t deserve anyone, let alone _Dan_. 

Phil pushed past Dan until he was in his room, ignoring the concerned questions that Dan was throwing at him. Only when he reached his bed did he break down, curling into a ball and crying like the first time that Phil had told Nico to leave. 

Dan didn’t even ask before lying down with him, holding him tight to his chest. His hands rubbed over Phil’s back, and it was soothing. It didn’t burn like Ledjon’s had, didn’t burn like Jace’s did. He was calming, didn’t ask questions when he knew Phil couldn’t answer. He was just there for Phil to cry on, his strength when Phil couldn’t be strong by himself.

Phil’s chest hurt, and he wanted to tear his heart out, because he didn’t _want_ it anymore. He didn’t want to _feel_ like this anymore, so used and in so much pain that he could hardly function anymore. He wanted to feel everything and nothing at all. 

He wanted to go back to how he’d been before, back when he’d been happy and carefree. Back when he’d been _normal_.

The only issue was that he didn’t quite remember what normal was supposed to feel like anymore.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Firstly, sorry I haven't responded to your comments yet ): It's hell week at my uni so it's the last week before finals and i am DYING basically. i've been so busy that i haven't been able to breathe! But I love you all so much and i read every single comment! They give me life! This chapter includes warnings for a panic attack and mentions of rough sexual activities. Things are looking up soon! thanks to @snowbunnylester for editing this for me! The lyrics at the beginning of this fic are from the song Bury Your Flame by La Dispute!

_You came back and you brought floods, wearing a necklace made of hearts that you'd dragged through the mud. And I guess I wasn't quite sure what to say to you, but then I saw mine, almost reached out to grab it, said, “darling, you're the only one on earth I want to have it” but now I'm not so sure that was true after the hell you put it through_.

-

Phil broke up with Jace three days later. 

He tried to make the relationship work, he really did, but the guilt was too strong, never leaving Phil, the knowledge that he’d slept with someone else while dating someone as amazing and undeserving as Jace. Every time they kissed, Phil felt his heart crack just a little bit more until it felt like he was actually going to split in half. 

So he ended it. He sat Jace down, told him that Phil had gone through a lot of shit, and that he needed time to heal. When Jace questioned him, Phil told him with a straight face that he had thought he was ready for a relationship, only to realise that he wasn’t ready at all. 

“Then why did you let this go on for so long?” Jace asked through tears, and Phil knew that he should feel bad for making Jace cry, but he didn’t. He was numb, he was a robot, he was no longer humane, and it was about time that he understood that. 

Phil smiled softly at him, his hands in his lap so that he wouldn’t reach out and wipe Jace’s tears away for him, making everything undoubtedly worse. “Because I love you, and you made me happy for a while,” Phil lied, and he was no longer taken aback by how easy lying was. “But then I realised that I need to love myself as well, and I can’t do that if I’m focusing all of my attention on somebody else.”

It was true, for the most part. It was a half-formed lie, one bordering on truth yet still withholding information so Phil could save his own ass. He told himself that he was withholding the information about cheating so that Jace wouldn’t hurt any more than he needed to, but he knew that Jace had the right to know. He refused to acknowledge that point, though. He refused to tell Jace how much of a fuckup he truly was. 

Jace cried and Phil awkwardly patted his shoulder. He told him that he would find someone who would be able to give him everything Phil wasn’t able to, that he would find someone who loved him with their entire heart and soul. When that didn’t make Jace feel better, Phil admitted to him, his heart nearly bursting out of his chest, the reason why he was so mentally screwed up.

“I’m going to be honest with you,” Phil whispered, listening to Jace’s sniffles. He stared at the ceiling because he had a lot of thoughts and didn’t know what to say at all. “I should not have started dating you as soon as I did.” Jace began to cry harder, and Phil should have felt a pang of guilt in his gut, but he didn’t. He went on instead, trying to explain to Jace what had happened. “I had just gotten out of a relationship with someone who I was with for a very long time, except it was a bad break up. Like, a break up that involved the cops.” That shut Jace up. Phil closed his eyes, trying to stop his mouth from blabbering about all of his problems. He bit back everything he wanted to say. 

“He only hit me once, but the things he used to say to me left emotional scars behind. I still think about him a lot. I start to shake whenever I see anything that resembles his eye colour. I still can’t speak up for myself. And I certainly should not have brought you into my healing process. You don’t know how sorry I am.” 

Phil didn’t mean for Jace to be the one comforting him then, but it happened anyways. They hugged. Phil kept his mouth glued shut about Ledjon as Jace told him that Phil was able to talk to him about anything that was on his mind. He nodded, but he knew that he wasn’t going to talk to Jace about his issues. 

He had Ledjon and Dan for that. Jace was just someone to occupy his time on the side, as cruel as it sounded. While Phil cared about his well-being, Phil didn’t care enough about him to put all of his trust into him. 

When Phil left, it was with the strangest sensation of all in his chest. He felt as though he were free, but at the same time, he felt as though there were chains shackled around his heart. He’d left on good terms with Jace, which was good. Jace had understood the situation a little better - all good things - and yet, Phil wanted to tear himself open on the hardwood floors. He wanted to tear himself open and watch himself bleed, blood black and ruined where Nico had touched him. 

He was _ruined_. 

He’d used someone to his own benefit. He’d made the person believe that he had loved them. Then he’d cheated on them with one of his best friends and proceeded to break up with them, a half hearted excuse about his past trying to explain his actions. 

Phil was the scum of the earth. 

So what did he do over the next few weeks? Well, the answer was simple. 

Phil laid in bed, made himself into a burrito. Dan would sometimes lay with him, sometimes force him outside where they would go to lunch with Charlie and Ledjon and Jane. Their friend would temporarily make Phil feel better, which was a strange feat in itself, but then he would be back home, Dan would be at uni, and Phil would be alone with his thoughts. Of course, there was only one thing that Phil would do.

He went to bars. A _lot_ of bars. He drank until he was puking his guts out in the toilet. He talked to strangers and let them buy him drinks. He wouldn’t let just _anyone_ buy him drinks though, no; he would only let them buy him a drink if they had curly brown hair and green eyes that were so familiar that it made Phil down three shots of tequila without even a second thought.

He didn’t want to think about what that could mean. Hell, he didn’t want to think about _anything_. 

So he continued to go to bars, telling Dan dumb excuses about how he was going to Charlie’s or Jane’s or Ledjon’s for the night. Telling Dan anything to make him worry the least, because Phil knew that Dan definitely needed a break from all of the worry Phil had caused him. 

The men who bought him drinks usually screwed him afterwards, and Phil would let them, because he wanted to _feel_. He wanted to feel like he was good enough, wanted to feel the dull pain through his body as they scraped blunt nails down his back. Oftentimes Phil would find his way home with bruises on his hips and a bloodied back, but that was okay. He asked for it, always consented, told them to be as rough as possible with him. 

And it worked, for a short while. It worked to make him feel. It made his heart beat faster as they pulled his hair or pressed his face into the mattress so hard that Phil could barely breathe. It made his whole body quiver as they grabbed his hips so violently that it made him freeze in both pleasure in pain. It made him grit his teeth and moan as their nails scratched down his back, leaving raised red lines in their wake. 

Maybe that made Phil fucked up. Hell, he _was_ fucked up. But he couldn’t seem to stop himself. 

_Anything to feel again_ , he told himself as he downed another shot of tequila that some stranger had bought him. 

Dan only found out about his escapades when he was over one night and Phil had gotten out of the shower. 

He usually wore three towels after he bathed, but could only find two, so his shoulders and back were left exposed. Dan was lying on his bed using Phil’s laptop, the stickers a bright contrast to Phil’s actual personality. Phil spotted an egg sticker that Dan had stuck there last week, the blandest sticker of them all. He didn’t know _why_ Dan had an egg sticker that he deemed acceptable for Phil’s laptop, but Phil liked it anyways. 

Maybe it was because Phil was a weird egg, himself. 

Phil thought that maybe he would be able to get away with grabbing his clothes and making a beeline back to the bathroom before Dan saw all of the scratch marks on his back, but his hopes were apparently up too high. Dan noticed everything. In the least sexual way possible, Phil swore that Dan knew his body more than he did. 

Or maybe it was just because anyone would be concerned if they saw the large, puffy scratches taking up the entirety of their best friends back. 

“What is that?” 

Dan’s voice sounded like a whip through the air. His voice was more worried than angry, but for some reason Phil couldn’t process that Dan wasn’t furious with him right then. He stopped in his tracks and flinched, ducking his head, drawing the towel closer to his body. 

Phil shrugged. “I don’t know,” he said defiantly, and Dan sighed, standing up from the bed. He made his way over to Phil, who kept his head down as Dan lightly grabbed his shoulders and turned him so that he had a full view of his back. 

“Are… are these scratch marks?” Dan asked, and Phil didn’t know why he sounded so surprised. Wasn’t it obvious that they were scratch marks? Did he need Phil to spell it out for him? 

“So what if they are?”

Dan’s hands dropped to his sides and Phil glanced up in time to see emotion swimming in Dan’s eyes. He seemed upset - not _angry_ upset. More _concerned_ upset. Dan nibbled at his lip and Phil followed the movement with his eyes because he didn’t want to stare into that heated, sad gaze any longer. Eventually, Dan exhaled. “Sit on the bed,” he ordered, pointing to the bed. 

Phil didn’t ask. Immediately, like an obedient dog, he sat on the bed, feeling completely exposed. He didn’t like it. He wanted to put on some clothes, wanted to cover himself up and hide under the covers for a while. But he didn’t. He sat on the bed and waited for Dan, who had left the room. He could hear him rummaging through the kitchen - _Phil’s_ kitchen - before a cabinet slammed shut and he was back with some ointment. 

“Turn,” Dan said, and Phil could tell what he was doing, so he turned so his back was facing Dan and stayed as still as possible while Dan uncapped the ointment and spread some over his fingers. He started to spread it over Phil’s wounds. Some were deep, some not-so-much, but Phil let him smear the medicine over his back as needed. 

They sat in complete silence. Phil knew that Dan wanted to ask, but maybe just didn’t know _what_ to ask, or _how_. Phil hunched his shoulders to make himself seem smaller, and braced himself for the inevitable questioning. 

It came not long after. “What are you doing, Phil?” Dan’s voice was quiet, but to Phil, it sounded so loud that it was deafening. 

Phil bit his lip so hard that it started going numb. When he released his lip, it felt like pins and needles were filling his skin. “I don’t know what you want me to say,” he murmured. 

“So you’re sleeping with people,” Dan said bluntly. “Why?”

“Because I’m a big boy who can sleep with people if he wants to?” Phil asked, his voice raising slightly. He felt defensive. How dare Dan question him? Did he have to run all of his decisions by Dan? 

Dan wiped a bit more of the sticky ointment onto Phil’s skin and his fingers were soft despite how his voice suddenly became firm. Phil felt like he was about to get told off by a parent rather than a friend. “Okay yeah, you can sleep with who you want. You’re a big boy.” _But_ , Phil thought. “But you just got out of an abusive relationship, just got out of a relationship with Jace, and now you’re sleeping around. I’m not even going to ask you how many people you’ve slept with, so I’ll spare you that.”

Phil didn’t think that was anything to thank Dan about. He opened his mouth to respond, to stand up for himself, but Dan beat him to it. 

“You’re not doing well, Phil. Anyone can see that. Do you really think it’s a good idea to be sleeping around right now?”

Phil glared at his lap. He knew that it probably wasn’t the _best_ coping mechanism, but he was coping! He was getting through it! Wasn’t that all that mattered? “I just-” Phil swallowed and he heard Dan capping the medicine, the sound ringing in his ears. “I just want to _feel_ something.”

Dan sighed. He was always sighing and now was not an exception. The bed dipped as Dan climbed on it beside Phil, and then Dan was sitting across from him, his knees crossed, tilting Phil’s chin up gently so Phil would look at him. Not forceful, just a suggestion, which Phil followed. “Look, I love you alright?” Phil’s heart nearly flatlined at the words and his cheeks became warm. Before he could fully react, Dan was speaking once more. “I want the best for you and I support you in all of your endeavors and try my best to be here for you no matter what. I get it, okay? Sex is nice and you probably want to feel like you’re worth something. I get it.” He cleared his throat, and now it was Dan’s turn to look at his lap. “But I can’t support this. I can’t just sit back and watch as you go around screwing other people just to feel something. You’re a big boy, I know that. You can make your own decisions. But I can also be comfortable enough with our friendship to say that I love you but I don’t agree with your decisions. And this is one of those times.”

Phil’s eyes started to water up and his lip quivered. He was so fucking _weak_. He couldn’t even take criticism from Dan without feeling like he was a failure, like there was something wrong with him, and Dan had practically said it himself. There _was_ something wrong with him. He couldn’t even function like a normal human being, had to go out and screw god knows how many people just to _feel_ something other than this vast emptiness. 

What had he become?

“D- don’t leave me,” Phil begged weakly, his shoulders slumped and his mind a complete mess. All he knew was that Dan was disappointed, that Phil was a failure, that he wasn’t _normal_. Dan deserved better. “I don’t… I don’t know what to _do._ Everything feels all jumbled and I can’t even think anymore, can’t function. I just keep seeing _green_ and I shake over the stupidest things and I feel so numb. It’s not good, Dan. I don’t know what else to do.” He left out how he hadn’t felt remorse when he’d broken up with Jace, how he mostly just felt like he needed to get it over with. He didn’t mention how his empathy for other people had practically disappeared. 

He didn’t mention how he felt as though he were slowly becoming Nico, bit by bit, minute by minute. 

Dan hummed and he put his arm around Phil’s shoulders, drawing him into his side. He kissed the side of Phil’s head much like a mother would, and patted Phil’s shoulder. “We’ll figure this out, yeah? I’m not leaving you. I love you too much for that.” 

There it was again. That word. Love. So foreign, but so easily spoken, rolling off of Dan’s tongue like he actually meant it. Phil didn’t know how to feel. The last time someone who wasn’t his mum had said they loved him was when Jace had wholeheartedly believed Phil was his soulmate. Back then, Phil had felt like a wooden doll, a machine who’d repeated the words back without hesitance because that was what he was supposed to do. He hadn’t meant it, no, but for some reason Phil was having trouble saying the words back to Dan. 

Maybe it was because the words were platonic, so full of meaning that it made Phil’s throat close up and his chest ache. Dan had been there for Phil for nearly the entire time he had been with Nico. He had been there when Nico had gotten bad, had been there to kick Nico out when Phil couldn’t do it himself. When Phil had kicked him out of the house, Dan hadn’t even been angry. He’d just left with a “ _call me when you need me_ ” and had been there for Phil whenever he possibly could be. 

Whereas Jace showed his love through words and hadn’t known the whole truth behind Nico, Dan had shown his love through actions and had put Phil’s best interests first. 

Maybe that was why Phil couldn’t say the words back, because he knew that Dan wholeheartedly meant it when he said he loved him, platonic or not, and Phil knew that Dan understood that he loved him too. In his own fucked up, needy way. 

So instead of answering, Phil tucked his head into Dan’s shoulder and groaned out a, “why does life _suck_ so bad,” while Dan laughed and pushed him off, complaining about his wet hair and how Phil was literally naked with only a towel. 

For a moment, their conversation was forgotten as Phil laughed and a certain light shone in Dan’s eyes that Phil hadn’t seen for _months_. 

For a moment, Phil could believe that everything was normal. 

-

**Ledjon - 3:17pm**

**__** _How are you recently? Feeling better?_

**Phil Lester - 3:20pm**

**__** _Things are still rough but im getting there. You?_

**Ledjon - 3:21pm**

**__** _Me too. Im proud of us, we got this!_

**Phil Lester - 3:34pm**

**__** _We really do, dont we… :)_

-

The normalcy didn’t last. 

It was only a few days later when it happened. Phil had woken up feeling mildly refreshed. He hadn’t slept with anybody since he and Dan had talked and his back was healing up nicely. Dan took him out for some nice breakfast, and Phil had gotten a giant parfait that had had way too many blueberries, but he ate it anyways because Dan had bought it for him. 

It was good. Phil had started to feel comfortable around Dan again, and he could tell that Dan finally didn’t have to walk on eggshells around him as much. Phil was so thankful for Dan, and he showed it to Dan through tiny actions, through his tone of voice, through pouring two bowls of cereal for the both of them rather than just one for himself. 

And then, just like that, it all came crashing down around him.

They were at the breakfast place. It was a tiny place called _Au Bon Pain_ , which always made Phil laugh. What kind of restaurant called themselves Good Bread? It sounded like the type of restaurant he’d have owned. 

Phil had nearly finished his parfait and had fished out a blueberry from the bottom, scrunching up his nose. “I don’t even _like_ blueberries that much,” he whined, and held it out to Dan on his spoon. 

Dan had laughed, shaken his head at him, and leaned forward to eat the fruit off of his spoon. It was horribly domestic, but Phil tried not to think about that much. “You’re wild, Lester,” he said as Phil rolled his eyes. 

Just as he did so, he caught sight of something, and his stomach churned at the realisation of what he’d seen. As soon as he looked, he couldn’t stop _staring_. 

There was Nico about six tables away from them. Phil didn’t know if he’d caught sight of him yet because he was looking away from Phil. He looked almost exactly like Phil had remembered him, except he now had bleached streaks of blond through his dark, curly hair. It didn’t look _bad_ , per-say, but it did wash out his face a lot and make the bags stand out from under his eyes. Those bags made Phil feel a stab of guilt, like he’d put them there himself. His eyes were so green that Phil could see it across the restaurant, and his freckles stood out against his cheekbones. 

Nico was leaning forward, talking to some girl with long black hair and straight across bangs. She seemed tall and had tattoos down her arms. She had honey coloured eyes that sparkled as Nico talked to her, and Phil felt like he was going to throw up blueberries. 

Was Nico still with Chandler? Had he dumped her when he’d realised he had no use for her? Had she dumped _him_? Or was he _cheating_ on her?

For some reason, the thought made Phil feel almost triumphant, as though he’d won a contest. He’d always been a firm believer in karma and he had no doubt that karma was biting Chandler in the ass right now. 

Dan said something to him, something filled with panic, but Phil couldn’t hear him. He couldn’t hear him because suddenly, Nico was turning to look at him, and his pink lips immediately turned into a disgusted scowl. He leaned over and said something to the girl, who then looked at Phil. 

And then, they both laughed. 

Phil was suddenly all too aware of the metal in his face, the septum that he’d grown to Kind-Of-Like by now. It was a tiny hoop, but it was a piercing nonetheless, and he could hear Nico’s words right then and there. 

_You look like a fucking bull_. 

Phil reached up to rip the goddamned thing out of his nose, but before he could, Dan caught his hands. Phil’s gaze was torn away from Nico and the mystery girl and to Dan’s warm, concerned brown eyes. He seemed panicked, and it was then that Phil realised he was shaking so hard that he was practically a vibrating sex toy. 

“You here with me?” Dan asked quietly. He squeezed Phil’s hand, which was pretty much numb, and Phil stared at the way Dan’s hand practically enveloped his own because they were so big. 

Slowly, Phil nodded, but his head was spinning and he felt as though he were going to pass out. He couldn’t talk, didn’t dare try to. 

Dan smiled at him and rubbed his thumb along Phil’s hand. “Good. Take some deep breaths for me, okay? You’re okay. You’re safe. I won’t let him touch you.” Phil listened and tried to take some breaths but they came out way too shaky and shallow. Dan called over the waiter and paid the bill and Phil didn’t look away from Dan’s hand entwined with his. 

“Do you think you can walk?” Dan asked slowly, and Phil immediately shook his head no. Dan seemed to expect this. “Alright. I think we need to get out of here though, so I’m going to try to help you walk, okay? Then as soon as we’re out, we can sit on a bench and try to take some deep breaths together. Sound good to you?”

Phil nodded and sat with his head down, trying to focus on his hands, the tablecloth, the empty plate, rather than the way Nico laughed so loud that he could hear it across the restaurant. He waited for Dan to stand up and make his way around the table to move, but he still kept his head down as Dan put his arm under his armpits, helping Phil up and taking most of his weight. 

At that point, Phil didn’t care who saw and who questioned. He needed out, and he needed out _now._

So he leant on Dan, his head tucked into the crook of Dan’s neck, and he closed his eyes. He trusted Dan to get him out, to be his eyes and his legs when Phil couldn’t handle this by himself. Without Dan, he had no doubt that he would have been stuck there until Nico was long gone, his head a mess and his hands shaking so hard he could hardly function. 

After what seemed like hours of walking, Dan finally sat Phil down on a bench, and Phil opened his eyes to see that they’d walked a couple of blocks away from the restaurant. Dan was smiling down at him, his face gentle and kind, and Phil felt tears pricking in his eyes. 

As he began to cry, Dan was right there beside him, rubbing his shoulders and saying that it was okay to grieve, that Dan wasn’t going to let anything happen to him. He was warm and gentle and everything that Nico wasn’t. 

Phil didn’t know what he’d done to deserve someone like Dan as his friend, but he knew that Dan loved him and Phil loved Dan too, and that was why Dan stayed. That was why Dan put up with all of Phil’s bullshit. He genuinely cared for Phil and wanted to make sure Phil would _heal_ , and he was there whenever Phil stumbled to help him up. 

If that wasn’t friendship, Phil didn’t know what was. 


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for PTSD and angst. the lyrics at the beginning are I Get Overwhelmed by Dark Rooms. I’m currently obsessed with this song and the movie I heard it in. If y’all wanna watch the best movie of 2017, watch A Ghost Story bc it wrecked me. I just finished my finals and now i’m slightly less stressed (? maybe??) and i’m also on my final year of college! i am scared. Thanks to snowbunnylester for editing this for me as usual.

_I get overwhelmed; Can’t sleep at night, can’t convince myself to turn it off, to let go. Gotta make sense of the fucking war._

-

Phil wasn’t really sure how it happened.

One day, seemingly all at once, he woke up and it seemed as though Dan had decided to move into his flat with him. There were hair straighteners in his bathroom, a toothbrush in his cup holder, extra shampoo and body wash in his shower, and even another shaver that Phil didn’t remember buying. 

Upon opening one of his drawers, Phil found that his drawer wasn’t even _his_ drawer at all anymore, because it was filled with Dan’s jumpers, shirts, and pyjamas. There were even _boxers_ in there, and Phil couldn’t help but smile at the sight. Hell, he’d even gained an extra ten towels or so, which he didn’t mind. If Phil had a kink, it was definitely buying hand towels.

Dan moving in didn’t bother Phil much. In fact, he rather liked it. He’d lived alone for the majority of his university career after the disaster that his first roommate had been. He still shivered whenever he thought about how his roommate had peed all over the floor one very drunk night. After that, he’d opted out of roommates unless he was absolutely sure that he would like living with someone else. 

For the past three months, Dan had been practically living with Phil anyways, so what would be the difference if they _were_ to move in together? He had an extra room that they could turn into Dan’s bedroom, and the flat was already filled with Dan’s things, so would there even be a difference? They even went _grocery shopping_ together. Who _does_ that? 

Or would they find a new place? Somewhere that Nico hadn’t touched, somewhere that didn’t have the lingering memories attached that made Phil’s dreams wake him in a panicked hurry, telling him to _get out._

Yes, Dan would make a good addition to Phil’s life. If he’d even want to move in with Phil, that is. Yet for some reason, Phil couldn’t imagine Dan saying no to him. 

Phil didn’t really know if that was healthy or not, but he did know one thing, and that was that he was _healing_. It was a slow progress; he still shook when he thought of certain things, he couldn’t wear tank tops or v-necks, and he often woke up and couldn’t get out of bed without Dan physically _dragging_ him, drawing him a bubble bath and forcing him to do basic self care things, like eating and bathing. 

If it weren’t for Dan, Phil didn’t know where he’d be. 

When Phil emerged from his bedroom for the day, he had the plan in his head to ask Dan to move in with him for real - to ask him to stop using the couch (or Phil’s own bed on occasion) and to just bring his own bed to Phil’s flat instead. 

The smell of breakfast was in the air. He could hear bacon sizzling and Dan cursing under his breath as he spilt a little bit of pancake batter on the floor. 

Phil rounded the corner and smiled as he found Dan shuffling around the kitchen, already looking so at home. He knew where all of the kitchen utensils were, knew where the cleaning supplies were. He knew what Phil liked for breakfast and already had a glass of ribena sitting on the counter for Phil, a plate beside him already piled high with bacon and pancakes, a lemon and golden syrup sitting atop the cakes. 

Phil watched him for a moment, unnoticed, watching with a small smile as Dan hummed to himself and flipped another pancake. They’d recently watched the movie, _A Ghost Story_ , so he was humming the soundtrack, much like Phil had been doing a lot recently - the soundtrack was just way too good, so it was hard _not_ to hum it everywhere they went. Dan’s hair was messy and slightly damp, which made Phil assume that he’d just gotten out of the shower, yet another reason why Phil might as well just ask him to move in with him. 

Just that fact made Phil smile and move further into the kitchen, making his presence known. Dan turned with a start before relaxing when he saw Phil, grinning and holding out the bacon. “Mornin’, sleeping beauty,” he teased. “Would you like some bacon to help you wake up a little?” 

Phil chuckled and grabbed a piece from the plate, shaking his head. “I’d be honoured,” he replied. He bit into the bacon and hummed appreciatively, closing his eyes as he chewed. 

“You know,” Phil started nonchalantly. He sat on the counter, staring contemplatively at Dan. Dan raised his eyebrow in question but didn’t take his eyes off of the pancake he was currently trying to flip. “This bacon is really good. Like _really_ good.”

“Thank you?” Dan asked with a confused laugh. He furrowed his eyebrows a bit and cast Phil a _look_. One of those looks that asked him what the fuck was going on and why he sounded so strange right then.

Phil just smiled and scooted a bit closer to Dan on the counter, feeling the heat wafting from the stove, warming his butt and thighs. He tried to stay away from the burners so that it didn’t burn him as he leaned towards Dan and booped him on the cheek with his slice of bacon. 

Dan cackled and swiped him away, shaking his head. “What are you doing, you spork?” 

His voice was full of such fondness that it made Phil’s chest absolutely ache. He didn’t know how Dan could still like him even after everything he’d put him through, but for some reason, Dan’s friendliness towards him only grew. 

It made Phil’s lungs feel as though they were on fire, like he wanted to just surround himself with Dan for the rest of his life because _finally_ someone wanted to stay, and someone loved him and cared for him when he couldn’t love or care for himself.

“You know, you’d make a good housewife,” Phil commented, smirking.

Dan shot him an unimpressed look and threw a grape at him from a bunch that Phil hadn’t even realised was sitting on the counter next to the pancake batter. The grape hit Phil’s nose, but it didn’t knock the huge grin off of his face. 

“I’m not a housewife, Phil! I just take care of you because you’re a huge baby who can’t take care of himself!”

“Oh, so I’m your baby then? Did you birth me too?”

Dan groaned and covered his face with his hands, noticeably cringing. “God, you are the _weirdest_ human I’ve ever met.”

Phil didn’t say anything, just smiled. He knew that Dan had said the words with all of the affection he could possibly fathom. He watched with a light heart as Dan finished making his breakfast,stacking the pancakes on a plate and handing Phil his own plate full of the best breakfast in England. It was only then that Phil decided to speak, nibbling on his lip and staring at Dan with another contemplative expression.

“Would you like to move in with me?”

At the sudden words, Dan fumbled with the plate and for a second, Phil thought that he was going to drop it and ruin the nice breakfast that he’d made them, but before the plate could drop from his grip, he gathered his wits and set the plate on the counter so he could gape at Phil without shame. His brown eyes were wide, and there was a light blush dusting his skin that only amplified the rosy patch that sometimes appeared on his cheek. Dan licked his lips and Phil followed the movement with his eyes, trying to pick out exactly how Dan was feeling.

He was suddenly worried. Did Dan even _want_ that? Did he want to live with someone as completely and utterly fucked up as Phil? Maybe he was happy with where he was currently living and didn’t actually want to move in with anyone, much less _Phil_. 

Just as Phil was about to start panicking and tell Dan to just forget about his question, Dan let out a noise akin to a surprised giggle, and shook his head as if he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Just the head shake made Phil’s heart sink to his stomach, but Dan didn’t let his feelings of despair continue for long because suddenly he was saying, “Do you really need to ask me that? I already basically live here. I suppose it’d be nice to have my own bed here as well.”

Phil’s head shot up with surprise and he gaped at Dan. “Do… do you really mean that?” he asked, his voice a bit squeaky. “You wanna move in with me?”

Dan snorted and rolled his eyes, dragging Phil in for a bone crushing hug. Phil immediately relaxed into his arms. They were both around the same height so Phil buried his face into Dan’s shoulder, letting Dan’s warm smell completely melt him into calmness. “Do you really think I’d just turn down your nice offer of being your housewife?” Dan teased, murmuring his answer into Phil’s hair. His arms were tight around Phil’s shoulders and Phil, in turn, wrapped his own arms around Dan’s waist.

“I know it’s really sudden,” Phil confessed. “I had just decided to ask this morning. But I figured that most of your stuff is already over here and you already basically live here, so I just wanted you to live here _for real_. You’re the most positive person in my life right now and I’d like to keep you around.”

Dan chuckled, and Phil felt his breath puffing out against his hair before Dan pressed a quick kiss to his head. This wasn’t much of a shock to Phil anymore. Dan often liked to kiss his head, something like a mothering instinct that made him want to take care of Phil and shower him with affection. Maybe it was because he wanted to show Phil how much he meant to him, even though Phil hated himself. “How could I even say no to something like that?” Dan murmured, and Phil just smiled because he could _feel_ that his life was going to get much better from here on out.

-

For the meantime, Dan decided to move in with Phil until Phil’s lease was up in two months. Then, they were going to be finding a new place where Nico’s skin hadn’t touched, where Phil could no longer wake up in a cold sweat because he’d thought that Nico was standing in the room with him, like he’d done so many times before. In a new flat, Phil would be able to peel away the layers of his past to reveal a bright new future, and he would be able to walk down the halls without fearing the ghosts from his past.

Dan moved in almost immediately. It took a few days for him to pack up his things, to figure out where to put the extra couch and extra kitchen table and other miscellaneous things that Phil hadn’t originally thought about, but other than that Dan was pretty much ready to go. They moved Dan’s bed into his new bedroom, along with his wardrobe, yet Phil didn’t question why Dan’s underwear was still mixed in with his own. He didn’t question why sometimes Dan’s bed would go untouched during the night, instead opting for the comfort of Phil’s own bed.

They blamed that on how Phil had night terrors sometimes, how he wouldn’t be able to go to sleep without the comfort of another, non threatening person beside him, but Phil couldn’t deny just how much he liked using Dan as a personal body heater during the night.

The day that everything of Dan’s was finally moved into Phil’s flat, Phil had been at work all morning. He was ready to get home and see Dan’s finished room, to maybe have a celebratory glass of champagne and maybe order some takeout so they could celebrate their new label as roommates. He walked in the door and kicked off his shoes. He could hear Dan in the kitchen, glasses clanking around and the tap water running.

“Honey, I’m home!” Phil sang in a joking tone, walking to the kitchen. 

The water turned off and suddenly Dan appeared in the doorway of the kitchen with a large smile on his face and a plate of cookies. He had on the most ridiculous apron ever, one that had frilly edges and cats all over the front, and Phil was frankly surprised that it didn’t say _Grandma_ in big letters somewhere on the fabric. “Hi, dear, have a good day at work?” Dan asked in a high pitched voice. He batted his eyelashes and it made Phil laugh, shaking his head.

He grabbed a cookie and walked past Dan into the kitchen, taking a bite out of the delicious treat. It was freshly baked and the chocolate chips melted in his mouth, making him moan in almost a slutty way. “These are fucking delicious,” Phil groaned, downing the cookie in only a few more bites. “I knew I made the right decision in letting you become my housewife.”

Dan snorted and then seemed to think for a moment, his eyes lighting up. He put a hand on his forehead and started to speak in a dramatic 50’s stylistic American accent. It was horrible, but it made Phil stifle his laughter into another mouthful of cookie. “Oh, Charles,” he sighed out, fanning himself and shaking his head. “I’m worryin’ about our son Chip. He’s probably not gonna make quarterback this year! John said to me the other day, he said to me ‘Alice! I think that boy ain’t gonna make it, if ya know what I mean.!’ And I can’t help thinkin’ about what he said, Charles! I hate to say it but if Chip don’t make quarterback, what good is he?”

“Alice?” Phil snickered, shaking his head. “Really? Your name would be _Alice_ if we were a heteronormative American couple from the fifties?”

Dan held out his hands like he was trying to surrender, and he was biting his lip to stop his giggles from bursting out. It wasn’t really helping, instead turning his face a bright shade of red. “Alice and Charles! It has a nice ring to it, you have to admit!”

“I can see us in prison now for mistreating our child,” Phil said sarcastically, rolling his eyes. He passed Dan to go into the kitchen, that way he could grab a cold glass of milk to wash down the gooey chocolate chips from the cookie. 

Milk and cookies after a long day at work, how lucky could he _be_?

But as soon as he walked into the kitchen, he froze, his eyes glued to the kitchen table. The cookie dropped from his hand. His chest constricted and all of the laughter dispersed from his lungs in a short exhale. His vision swam. 

“What- what are those?” Phil stuttered, and Dan could tell something was wrong. Phil _knew_ he could, because Phil was shaking like a leaf, his demeanor had rapidly changed, and suddenly he wasn’t really okay anymore. 

“Erm,” Dan stuttered, coming to stand beside Phil. He sounded afraid, confused. He was probably wondering what he’d done wrong. “I decided to celebrate my moving in and got us some flowers for the table as a housewarming gift?”

Phil reckoned that would have been nice. He would have loved that actually. He’d always loved flowers, loved how they looked in his home.

Except, not this time. This time, the sight of these flowers made him feel as though he were going to be sick. 

Because sitting on their table were none other than a bouquet of Sweet Peas, their pink and purple petals taunting him and telling Phil that he was a _slut,_ that he wasn’t good enough, that he would never be good enough. 

Phil didn’t know what he was doing, but he felt his body take the few short strides to the kitchen table. His whole body was numb as he picked up the vase. His fingers tingled and his eyes burned as he threw the flowers at the wall, the yellow vase smashing into a million little pieces. Water and bits of glass flung into Phil’s face, but he could barely feel it as it cut at his skin making him bleed. 

He bent down and picked up the sodden flowers, squeezing, _tearing_ until there was nothing left but a mass of purple and green and pink. It was all mush, something that slightly resembled Phil’s brain. There was water all over the floor and glass crushed under Phil’s socked feet, and when he finally came to his senses, he realised that he was crying, _sobbing,_ shouting swears at the petals and telling them to just _leave him alone_. 

Dan was standing far away from him, his hands covering his mouth in horror. When Phil turned towards him, he flinched, and while the action was small, it seemed huge in Phil’s head, his actions overly magnified. Phil didn’t like the way that Dan had flinched. He didn’t like how Dan’s face was pale and his eyes were watery. 

He didn’t like how all of the life had seemed to disappear from Dan’s body in the span of just minutes. 

“I…” Dan started, and his voice was wobbly too. It was with his attempt at words that Dan began to cry, tears falling down his cheeks so delicately and kissing at his eyelashes. His eyes were full of sorrow and horror, and Phil’s chest burned with it. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Dan continued, “I just wanted to do something nice for you, I didn’t know that you wouldn’t like them. I didn’t know they had meaning to you, I swear I just wanted to do something nice to show my gratitude, and I didn’t mean to, didn’t mean to _hurt_ y-!”

Phil cut him off, shaking his head harshly. He was still crying, but he walked closer to Dan. His hands were stained pink and green from the flower guts and he tried to wipe them off on his trousers but it didn’t really help. “I didn’t mean to do that,” Phil whimpered, holding his arms out for Dan. 

He wasn’t used to Dan crying. He wasn’t used to having to look out for Dan. Usually it was _Dan_ watching over _him_. Not the other way around. How did he even handle a situation like this? 

Dan started to cry harder as he fell into Phil’s arms, and for the first time it was Phil who was holding him to comfort. Phil’s hands wrapped around his shoulders, and he held him tight despite the fact that Phil was also sobbing, breathing heavily. “The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you,” Phil gasped out, which made Dan let out a bitter laugh. 

“Shouldn’t I be the one saying that to you?”

It was all wrong. This was all wrong. This wasn’t how a friendship was supposed to be. Friends were supposed to support each other. They were supposed to look out for each other and help each other in their hard times. It was supposed to be _mutual_. 

When had Phil ever asked how Dan was feeling? When had Phil ever sat down with Dan and told him that he didn’t have to be his personal fucking therapist if he couldn’t handle that? All this time Dan had been going through so much, walking on eggshells around Phil as to not upset him. He loved Phil so he would do anything for him, but _that’s not what this was supposed to be like_. 

Phil needed to be there for Dan too. He couldn’t put the entire world on Dan’s shoulders. He couldn’t kill Dan’s happiness in the process of trying to better himself. Phil wasn’t Dan’s responsibility. Yes, Dan could help Phil through this tough time, but there was no way that Dan could cure Phil all by himself and still be okay afterwards. 

Phil needed to look out for Dan just as much as Dan looked out for him. 

With this in mind, Phil wrapped his arms tighter around Dan’s shoulders. This time, it was he who kissed Dan’s head in a comforting way as Dan sobbed into his chest and whispered apologies over and over. 

“Dan?” Phil whispered. 

Dan let out a choked acknowledgement and bundled himself further into Phil. 

“I think I need to get professional help.”


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the lyrics at the beginning are from Everything Went Numb by Streetlight Manifesto. Thanks to snowbunnylester for editing this for me as usual. And thank you to all of you who are still sticking with this story! I love each and every one of you!

_Himself ain't a lot when he's got nothing left of what was once a man, loved and loving._

-

As it turned out, the act of going to therapy was much harder than just the thought of it. 

Firstly, there was the fact that healthcare was free, which was a great and wonderful thing, but if he wanted to get therapy, he’d have to wait six months to be able to even get an appointment. That was six whole months of Phil feeling like he was empty inside and not being able to function like a regular human would, six months of random crying spells and nightmares and taking out his frustrations on Dan. He definitely didn’t want to do that.

So the second option was to call his mum for financial help to see if she could help him pay for therapy to get an earlier appointment. He didn’t really want to do that either, but it was either that or a six month wait, and after weighing his options and having about five panic attacks, Phil picked up the phone and called his mother. 

Her voice was cheery when she answered, and it made him feel slightly nostalgic. He missed her and he’d be lying if he said he hadn’t been neglecting her slightly, but he was just super depressed and not really okay, and talking to his mum when he was on the verge of a breakdown 24/7 wasn’t really on his list of top things to do. 

“Child?” she said in greeting, making Phil crack a smile as he drummed his fingers nervously on his knees. He’d made Dan leave him alone in his room whilst he called, but he was questioning his choices now. “How are you doing?”

Phil’s first reaction was to say that he was doing fine, because that’s what you did when someone asked you how you were doing, right? But then he stopped himself, took a deep breath, reminded himself what he was calling for. “Hi mum,” Phil said in a shaky voice. “I actually wanted to talk to you about something.”

If he were home, he could imagine his mum sitting in her chair, the white cushy one with little pink flower buds on it. She would cross her legs and furrow her brows, leaning forward slightly to show that she was listening. “What’s wrong, love?”

Phil gulped, and took another deep breath. It was now or never, and he knew he needed to do this. His mum wouldn’t judge, she never did. Now was no different. “I haven’t been doing okay recently,” he said slowly, digging his nails into his leg. “I think I might actually want to get some psychiatric help, and I don’t think I’ll be able to wait six months for the free health care.”

His mum went silent for a moment, as though she were thinking, and Phil’s brain went into panic mode. What if she thought he was being stupid? What if she thought he was overreacting? Would she not help? But all of his worries washed away as soon as she spoke, as he should have known they would. “Of course I’ll help,” she replied easily. “Do you want to talk about what’s been going on? I’m worried about you.”

Phil didn’t mean to tell her. He really didn’t even _want_ to tell her. But then he opened his mouth to say no and he ended up blurting out the whole story: The story of how he’d fallen in love with Nico and how Nico had slowly taken a turn for the worst. The slut shaming, the manipulation, the gas lighting and how it’d made Phil think he was crazy. How he still thought he was crazy. He mentioned how Nico had cheated on him with Chandler, how Nico slapped him, how Phil went to his mum’s afterwards. He mentioned how Nico was there when he went back, almost as if he were _waiting_ for him, and how the police dragged him away after the neighbours filed a complaint. The restraining order, how Phil distracted himself with Jace, how Phil saw Nico in the cafe. 

Finally, he mentioned his break down just the other day with the Sweet Peas, and how he’d made Dan cry. The ultimate reason why he had decided to get help. He didn’t want to see Dan cry anymore. He couldn’t take someone else down with him, and this situation was no longer just affecting _him_ , but also everyone around him. 

He needed help, and to do so, he also needed his mum’s support. 

At first, he was robotic, as though he had memorised the entire speech. But after a while, he started to cry so hard that his mother had to keep asking him to repeat himself because she couldn’t understand him. When he was finished explaining, his mum seemed a bit speechless. She apologised for not knowing what was going on and for not intervening sooner, but he assured her that if she’d tried to intervene, it would have only made him more upset. He didn’t use the word _loathe_ , but he knew deep down that if anyone had tried to block access to Nico without his consent, then Phil would have probably cut them off from his life as soon as they’d tried. 

“I’ll put the money straight into your account, alright?” his mum promised, and Phil nodded even though she couldn’t see him. “Go find the best therapist you possibly can, and we’ll go from there. I’d also like to visit soon, if that’s okay. I’d like to meet your new flatmate.”

Phil agreed quietly, told his mum he loved her and that he’d have her over soon. With that, they said their mutual goodbyes and hung up the phone. 

Phil was glad that he had his mum’s support, but he still couldn’t help but feel frightened. He knew that this was something he had to do, both for his sanity, as well as Dan’s, but it was scary and humiliating. 

He felt as though he were lying when he tossed around the term _abusive_ , felt that maybe he was overreacting a bit whenever he had a breakdown to do with Nico. Nico had only hit him once, and that hadn’t even been that bad. Most of the stuff Nico had done had been verbal and emotional. They didn’t feel violent, didn’t feel abusive. 

But the websites told Phil otherwise. They told him that emotional abuse was just as bad as physical abuse, that it could even lead to post-traumatic stress disorder just like physical. 

That didn’t make Phil feel any better at all, but at least the internet didn’t think he was crazy. That was new. 

-

Dan had been the one who decided to do research on therapists because the idea of doing so himself made Phil want to pull his hair out and hide under his bed for a while. Dan was nice as he did so, looking through multiple websites and writing down different doctors, social workers, and psychologists who worked with trauma victims. 

He didn’t say _trauma_ , necessarily, but Phil had seen on the laptop that he was specifically looking for those who specialised in trauma. Phil didn’t know if he had really experienced _trauma_. That was a strong word to use and one that he associated with soldiers or victims of sexual violence. Not one that he associated with himself.

Dan wrote down all of the good therapy providers, wrote down their names, phone numbers, specialties, and what type of therapy provided. Looking through, Phil noticed that some offered cognitive behavioral therapy or mindfulness based therapy, and he didn’t know what they meant, but they sounded kind of scary. Dan had also put stars next to two of the people who he thought were the best to go to, with the most experience or just the ones who had the highest ratings for the specific area he was interested in.

Phil kept this paper for three days before giving one of the starred people a call. 

The number went to an office, where they asked him personal questions: what he’d like to be seen for, if he had any medications, if he wanted to be psychologically questioned. He mentioned that he had been in an abusive relationship - those words never sounded right to his ears, made him feel as though he were lying - and that he hadn’t been doing well recently. They asked him if he had a specific person that he wanted to see, and he mentioned the name of the man, Nate Blackburn.

They went quiet on the other line for a moment and Phil feared that he was asking far too much of them. But then they spoke up again, asked if he would be available next Wednesday for an appointment. He said yes before even looking at his calendar, and then hung up the phone, letting out a breath. 

He wiped off his face and acknowledged with a surprised expression that there were tears dripping from his lashes, an aftereffect of the stress that calling had triggered. He sniffled and dried his face, standing up and going to Dan’s room. 

He didn’t knock before going in, even though he probably should have. Dan was just sitting on his bed on his laptop anyways. He was wearing headphones in order to give Phil some privacy, but he took them off when Phil came in, giving him a bright smile.

“You do it?” Dan asked, shoving his laptop to the side and scooting over to give Phil some space on the bed. 

Phil fell onto the bed without question, groaning. “I did it,” he mumbled, his voice muffled by the covers. He was practically shoved to Dan’s side, getting comfort from that. Dan’s hand made its way to his back, where he rubbed in a soothing manner. “I’m exhausted.” 

“But you did it! I’m so proud!” Dan exclaimed, and Phil didn’t have to look to know that Dan was grinning down at him with that stupidly fond smile of his. He would probably be glowing, like the sun itself, and it made Phil relax a bit. Dan was too good for this world. “Do you want me to make you some hot chocolate and then you can take a nap afterwards?”

Phil paused. Hot chocolate could soothe his nerves and make him feel nostalgic, like he was a little kid asking his mum for more marshmallows in his cocoa. He nodded as best as he could with his face shoved into the mattress. “Please,” he murmured.

The bed moved and Dan was climbing over him in order to get off the bed. Phil didn’t know why he didn’t just get off the other side rather than _climbing over him_ , but he didn’t question it and he didn’t care. “I’ll be right back,” Dan said. Phil felt pressure on the back of his head and knew that Dan had given him a chaste kiss there, something motherly and caring. Phil liked the affection and Dan knew it, so he often kissed Phil’s head since Phil liked it so much. It was just a way for Phil to know that Dan was here, that Dan cared for him. “You just relax now, okay?”

Phil nodded and then Dan was gone, leaving him alone and absolutely exhausted. He tried to stay awake until Dan came back so that he could drink the hot chocolate, but he soon found himself drifting off to sleep, his mind deciding without his consent that he was already done with today.

-

The therapy site was located in a renovated house. Phil made Dan come in with him because he didn’t know if he could do it alone. Even though Dan knew he was going to have to sit in the waiting room for about an hour, he came anyways, skipping class just so he could be there for Phil during his time of transformation. If he could even call it that. 

The waiting room was cozy. There was a brick fireplace that sat adjacent to a large black couch. There were two recliners in each corner of the room and a nice blue rug under the coffee table in the middle of the room. There was a corner where a toy table sat, waiting to be played with, covered with colourful blocks and children’s books. Phil’s eyes stayed trained on the staircase, where he had no doubt that his therapist would be coming down, the offices probably being contained to the second floor. It smelled like pine in the room, which was nice at least.

“You’re going to be okay,” Dan murmured, setting an arm around Phil’s shoulders. 

Phil settled into him, well aware that they were sitting far too close on the couch, but he really did not care. He needed Dan to tell him that everything was okay, that he wasn’t going to die in here or something. “This is dumb,” he muttered back. It wasn’t dumb. He knew that. But he didn’t like this at all, didn’t like feeling as though he were vulnerable. He was horrid at talking about his feelings, especially when it was with someone he barely knew. 

And yet, here he was. This was _dumb_.

After about ten minutes of waiting, Nate came downstairs and called out his name. He was a middle aged man with salt and pepper hair and smile lines on his face. His eyes were soft and filled with care and he stood tall, probably a couple of inches taller than Phil himself. 

Phil stood from the couch, Dan’s arm dropping from his shoulders, but he felt as though the couch had grabbed onto him and was trying to drag him back over. He didn’t want to do this. He didn’t know if he could do this. 

“I’m Nate,” his new therapist said, holding out his hand. “It’s nice to meet you, Phil.”

“You too,” Phil murmured, and they began to walk up the stairs, which suddenly seemed like they were a mile high. Phil was winded by the time they reached the top, and his hands were shaking as Nate led him into a tiny office with a desk, office chair, and another black couch, which was most likely reserved for Phil’s butt. 

Nate was a nice guy. He held a clipboard as he talked, asked Phil questions about his past. They didn’t really touch on the subject of why Phil was being seen yet, mostly focusing on everything about Phil that made him into the person he was today. 

He asked Phil about when he was younger and what his life was like. Phil told him that his mum and dad took care of him very well, but his father worked quite a lot so he wasn’t around too often. He asked about medication history, which Phil informed him that he wasn’t on any medications besides randomly used over the counter medicines. He asked about high school and how many friends Phil had, what he liked to do, if he went to college.

Nate didn’t bat an eye when Phil told him that he’d gone to college for English, but had recently dropped out due to personal issues. He just nodded and smiled supportively and asked Phil if he could explain. 

This part was hard, this was getting into territory that Phil knew was upsetting. He knew that he was probably going to start crying if he talked about it in depth, so he decided to be as vague as possible in order to save himself. So he mentioned that he’d been in a relationship with someone who was toxic to him, and his mental health had gotten so bad that he ended up dropping out without a thought. 

“I can tell that you don’t want to talk about it right now, and that’s okay,” Nate said quietly, scribbling something on his clipboard. Phil followed his movements with his eyes, worrying over what he’d written down. Was he writing down that Phil was crazy? DIdn’t respond well to questions? Worried over nothing? “We can talk about it when you’re ready. Do you want to talk a little about the now and what lead you to come get therapy?”

Glad that he didn’t have to talk about Nico yet, Phil told Nate that he had freaked out on his best friend right after he moved in with him, tearing up a vase of flowers that Dan had gotten him. He said that Dan was usually the person who had comforted him when he was down, but Dan had started crying and it was then that Phil realised he really needed help or else he was going to destroy the only person who loved and cared for him.

“Is Dan the one in the waiting room?” Nate asked. Phil nodded his head. “He sounds like a good source of positivity in your life. You’re really lucky to have him.” Phil knew that. He thought of that often. “But he’s also really lucky to have you. He wouldn’t be around you if he didn’t want to. He cares about you and just wants the best for you. That’s obvious by the way that he came to your appointment with you for the moral support. And it’s really admirable of you to recognise that you need help and actively seek it out. That takes someone with great strength to do.”

The only thing was that Phil wasn’t strong. He was a coward. How many months has it been since Nico had walked out that door? How many months has it been since Phil had properly felt something even close to happiness? He was dramatic, sure, but strong? Not in the slightest. 

“I only sought out help because I didn’t want to hurt Dan,” Phil whispered

Nate smiled gently, putting his clipboard down. “Doesn’t change the fact that you still decided to get help on your own. My statement still remains true.”

Phil didn’t feel like fighting so he bit back his words and just nodded. He didn’t want to show his therapist just how screwed up he was quite yet. 

They talked for a little bit longer and Nate pulled out a paper with information about abuse on it and the warning signs. Phil had already seen most of these online so he didn’t need to flip through it. He didn’t need to be told over and over again what had happened to him. He already _knew._

They left it at that, and Nate scheduled him for every Monday at three o’clock for the next month. When Phil walked out of the office, he felt like he’d just lost twenty years of his life and he was now in his forties, exhausted and going through a midlife crisis. 

When he saw Dan, he latched onto him silently. He didn’t speak, and Dan didn’t ask him to. He didn’t ask him what they’d discussed, and he didn’t expect Phil to inform him of what was going on in his brain. He just slung his arm around Phil’s shoulders and lead him through the payment process and then out to the car when they were finished with that. 

Only when they were in the car did Phil start to cry. 

They weren’t big tears, didn’t leave him gasping for breath, but Phil was exhausted from talking for so long and he didn’t quite know how to explain what had happened to him without downplaying everything. He still felt crazy, like he was overreacting, but the dumb sheet clutched in his palms told him otherwise. 

Phil really needed to sort himself out once and for all. 


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi friends! I am SO SORRY for not updating last week! A lot of you guys are following my tumblr so you were aware I wouldn't be updating, but i'm sorry to those of you who didn't know! Basically I went to my mom's house and her internet wasn't working so I wasn't able to upload. Anyways, I hope you all had a good holiday and a good new year! This fic was also nominated for the phanfic awards on tumblr for many awards (Edge of the Seat, Best angst, Best slow burn, best chaptered, and best of the best)!!!! You have NO IDEA how much this means to me. If you want to vote for this fic, I believe voting opens up in a week! Anyways, have fun reading this chapter! Thanks to snowbunnylester for betaing this for me and the lyrics at the beginning are from the song Lonely Girl by Tonight Alive (:

_Lonely girl it looks like you are out of luck. Tell me how it feels to watch your friends give up. I was on your side, I stood by you. So go ahead and cry it's just like you._

-

It had been a few weeks since Phil had started to go to therapy. and he had grown a bit more accustomed to talking to a professional about what he was feeling. He liked that he could be open about literally anything, whether he was talking about what he had for breakfast that morning or how his body image was so ruined from Nico that he could barely look in the mirror anymore without feeling like he was an entirely different person. 

Nate always had helpful handouts to give him, things about changing his behaviors and ways of thinking. He had handouts about how to handle panic attacks, how he shouldn’t fight against them but just accept that they were happening, that he should focus on breathing so he didn’t hyperventilate.

Nate didn’t mention anything about Phil being diagnosed with a disorder. He hinted at certain things, of course, gave Phil information about panic attacks and anxiety, but then he handed Phil a paper about how to deal with post traumatic stress disorder and how it _didn’t_ have to be something only a soldier experienced, and Phil felt his heart stop.

Post traumatic stress disorder? He didn’t have that. He _couldn’t_ have that. Looking back at everything, his relationship with Nico hadn’t been so bad as to lead him to have fucking _PTSD_. It was impossible and there must be a mistake. 

For a while, Phil couldn’t speak. He nodded and tried to listen as Nate talked him through the worksheet, but he could hardly hear the words that came out of Nate’s mouth because his eyes were just focused on _post-traumatic stress disorder_ and his mind was kind of blank. 

He didn’t want to admit to anybody that this would make sense. That this could be the reason why he’d passed out while he was getting the restraining order, that this could be why he freaked out over sweet peas, why he still had panic attacks every time he tried to wear any slightly revealing clothing. 

Phil was a fucking _mess,_ but Nate tried to help him through it the best that he could. 

It was working for the most part. Not so much that there was a noticeable difference each appointment, but just enough that Phil found himself feeling less like a robot and more like a human being again. He found that he could go outside more, that he could hang out with his friends and his laughs wouldn’t be faked anymore. 

Most importantly, he found that Dan’s own mental health was getting better. 

Dan didn’t sigh so much anymore. He laughed loudly and his dimples caved in so deep that Phil wanted to poke his cheeks. His eyes sparkled when Phil laughed, and he even seemed to have more _colour_ to his skin, almost like he was glowing. 

His body wasn’t ridden down to the point of exhaustion as much anymore, and Phil found that to be his motivating factor as to why he continued to go to therapy, why he tried to get better. 

There were bad days, more often than not. There were days where Phil completely broke down in tears, days where he had a panic attack so bad that he would find himself lying on the kitchen floor ten minutes later after passing out from hyperventilation. There were days when he woke up crying, and days where Phil locked himself in the bedroom, refusing to let Dan anywhere near him. 

But there were also days where Dan would come home to find that Phil had made five batches of chocolate chip cookies _just because._ There were days where Phil went to work and laughed at the stories his customers told him, where he was high on caffeine and too much chocolate. There were days where Phil would dance around the lounge to Rihanna, grabbing Dan by the hands and swinging him around with him until they both collapsed on the couch, completely spent. Phil also went outside with his friends now, finding that he was closer to Ledjon, Jane, and Charlie than ever, and he was also getting quite used to the company of Dan’s friend, Louise, as well. 

It was a roller coaster. Phil never knew what mood he would be in when he woke up that morning, if he would want to stay in bed, or if he would want to sing his heart out to Mariah Carey. 

That was normal. That was okay. That was _healing._

-

There was a knock on the door to the flat, and Phil tensed up, his heart speeding up a little bit faster than normal. He didn’t know who was knocking, didn’t know who could possibly be coming over without a little bit of warning. He was currently home alone. Dan was at uni, probably bored out of his mind in one of his directing classes, and Phil had gotten the day off from work, so he was just lounging around in his pyjamas without a care in the world, a half finished mug of way-too-sweet hot cocoa sitting on the table in front of him. For some reason, he’d thought that it was a good idea to put in two packets of the cocoa mix instead of one, and his taste buds were angry, but his stomach was feeling the aftermath.

Phil knew for a fact that his other friends were all in class as well. It was noon, which meant that everybody else was sitting in lectures. There was no way they would be knocking on his door right then. So who could it possibly be?

Taking a deep breath, Phil pushed himself up, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to ponder over the occurrence all day. He’d already taken too long to open up the door. It was starting to get suspicious. He shouldn’t be freaking out over small things like knocks on the door, even though his psychologist said it was a common reaction to such a stimuli after everything he’d been through. 

A stimulus, because Phil was an experiment at this point apparently. 

His movements felt slow and sluggish as he padded across the room to the door. He briefly wondered how long it’d been since he’d had anything to eat and only realised then that he’d yet to eat anything that day. Maybe after he dealt with this person, whoever it was, then he could order some take out or something. 

He opened the door, the hinges squeaking, and he yawned a little as he did so. Until he stopped mid yawn to start choking, coughing with surprise and horror. 

“You- what are you _doing_ here?!” 

Bright blue eyes, blonde hair in a perfect ponytail, a nervous expression on her face. Chandler was stood in his door, gnawing at her lip as though it were her lifeline, and staring at the ground like it was the most interesting thing in the entire world. Her shoulders were caved in with defeat already, but she buried herself further into herself at Phil’s words, which were filled with venom and surprise. 

How dare she show up on Phil’s doorstep? After everything she’d put him through! After tossing him aside like a fucking ragdoll and leaving him to rot with mental health problems and a constant worry that he was going _crazy_? After telling him that his boyfriend wasn’t abusive, that Phil was lucky for snagging someone as _great_ as Nico and ultimately forcing him to stay in a relationship with someone who tortured his thoughts and emotions. 

How could she just show up on Phil’s doorstep as though she hadn’t thrown him out as soon as an attractive man showed her the slightest amount of attention?

Phil went to shut the door, so fast that he couldn’t even think when he did so. His heart was pounding so hard that he couldn’t even hear his own thoughts or the breath escaping his lungs in sporadic gasps. 

_How dare she? How_ dare _she!_

Chandler shoved her shoe in the door before Phil could slam it shut. The door shut on her foot and she hissed, but Phil didn’t feel guilty. He felt like he was going to faint, and that wasn’t good. “Phil, please,” she begged, and Phil was already shaking his head. No. He shouldn’t have to listen to her. No. No. _No._ “I really need to talk to you. _Please_.”

At that, Phil couldn’t help but to bark out a short laugh. “You want to talk? After everything you put me through?” His words came out more confident than he felt, and they were dripping with venom. She was not welcome here. “Why should I give you that right? You left me to rot when I needed you the most, and then you had the _audacity_ to tell me it was my fault. So why, please tell me, should I let you talk to me now? After all these months?”

Chandler took a deep breath. Phil could hear it like the breeze outside, swaying through the tree leaves. And then she spoke, and Phil’s resolve completely dissolved. 

“Because you were _right_.”

Phil stumbled backwards, shaking his head. He shouldn’t be listening to this. He shouldn’t be giving in. But… but he needed to know. He needed to know how he was right, how Nico had destroyed Chandler. 

He needed to know that he wasn’t alone. 

He moved out of the way, silently allowing her inside. He didn’t know what he could say to her, so he didn’t speak and just walked to the table, sitting down as if he was in a haze. His movements were robotic and Chandler was crying, but he didn’t try to console her. It gave him a sick pleasure to see her crying, made him feel disgusting and like a horrible person, but he didn’t do anything about it. He just threw a package of tissues her way and made himself some tea without offering her any. 

She did not deserve tea in his home right then. 

Phil sat on the opposite side of the table. He took a sip of his tea to calm his nerves but it was tasteless, only burning his tongue and making him cringe. He hated that his heart was in his throat and his words came out scathing no matter how hard he tried to make himself be the bigger person. Here Chandler was, obviously upset, and all Phil could do was treat her like a piece of rubbish and spew bullshit at her. He couldn’t seem to help it, though. He was hurt. _Beyond_ hurt. And seeing his ex best friend sat before him was opening old wounds that he had thought were originally beginning to heal once and for all. 

“Spill it, then,” Phil ordered, and he noted the way Chandler flinched at his tone. Maybe he needed to take it down a notch. “What’s happened?” 

Chandler didn’t answer for a long time. She sat rigid in the chair, her eyes glued to her hands. She didn’t move a muscle aside from the occasional blinking when her eyes got too dry from the staring. Finally, she spoke, her voice soft and timid. It was different than anything Phil had ever heard before. Typically, Chandler was loud. She was brash, unforgiving in her tone. But now, she was reserved. Shy, completely unlike herself. 

Phil perked up as he saw the red flags immediately, even before she spoke. 

“You were right. About him. About everything.” 

Phil sighed and pushed his tea over to her. She needed it more than he did, evidently, because she was shaking and her voice was quivering as well. This was obviously hard for her, and Phil knew he shouldn’t just _give in_ , but he didn’t like to see anyone in pain because of Nico, no matter what had happened in the past. “What has he done to you?” Phil asked softly, urging her to go on. 

Chandler took a sip of the tea and swallowed. Phil could hear it from his chair, too loud in his ears. “I…” she swallowed again and cleared her throat. Phil waited patiently even though his heart was pounding with anger and anxiety. “He’s a very manipulative person. You have to understand that,” she started. Phil nodded. He knew that better than anyone. Better than _her_ , thats for sure. “He’s very charming and makes it seem like everything he says is true. I think that’s why it was so easy for me to just… abandon you like that. Not excusing my actions, of course.”

Phil sighed. His head hurt. “Just get on with it, then. Stop dwelling in the past, yeah?”

Chandler flinched once more and nodded. Phil felt bad, but not _too_ bad. Maybe he should listen to his own advice. 

“He made me believe that you were cheating on him with Dan. He told me about you texting with him, and it wasn't hard to believe because I know you had a thing for him in the past and that Dan had a thing for you too. So it was easy to believe that. He would call me sometimes and he would cry and tell me about how he loved you but he didn’t think you loved him back, said that you told him that you were scared of him. Since you’d asked me about abuse, I was really angry when I heard this. I thought you were just making excuses because you didn’t want to be with him anymore but you were too scared to tell him. I thought you were just leading him on. So I became very angry with you after hearing everything he said.”

Phil grit his teeth and resisted the urge to hop across the table and slam her mouth shut. Every fucking word coming out of her mouth was a _lie_. A lie told by Nico to make him seem like the worst possible human in the world. What Chandler didn’t know was that Phil had loved Nico so much that it made him stop loving himself. He had loved Nico to the point where he had not been able to _function_ without him. 

That was not healthy. 

That was not a relationship. 

He told her this in a quiet voice and she nodded frantically. “I know this now,” she said desperately. “After everything, I kind of realised that he’d just been toying with me all this time. I think he had just been using me to get back at you. No, I _know_ he was. And that fucking hurt.”

“Why do you think he was doing that?” Phil asked, surprised. Why would Nico try to get back at him with Chandler? Nothing made sense. Nothing seemed to become clear in his foggy brain. 

Chandler sighed and took another sip of tea. “He loved you a lot. I don’t know. He has this twisted idea in his mind that he has to hurt the people he loves in order to keep them. Maybe he thought you were banging Dan and he just wanted to use me to make you come running back to him. Who knows? All I know is that he treated me like I was scum and he only cared about me when it involved information about you.”

Phil swallowed thickly. He should have kept his tea because his mouth was suddenly dry. Hearing that Nico still loved him… _fuck_ he didn’t want to hear that. It was nice, despite the pain it brought him, but it also made nausea raise to his throat. He hated the idea of Nico thinking about him. But he loved the idea of Nico being upset about him. It was a conundrum, one that Phil didn’t quite understand. 

Chandler went on, talking about how Nico treated her. She said that Nico really only cared about sex with her, and that he would get mad at her when she wore revealing clothes or shorts. He would call her a slut, would get mad at her for ignoring his texts, would get mad at her for having friends other than him. And apparently he had been cheating on her with three other people as well. 

An image of the girl in the parfait shop came to Phil’s mind, but Phil brushed it off. He shouldn’t bring that up right then. He didn’t even want to think about it. 

“I know it’s stupid to be this upset about it,” Chandler concluded, picking at a loose piece of skin hanging from her thumb. “My situation wasn’t as bad as yours was, and it didn’t even last half as long. I should be grateful for that. I shouldn’t be this fucked up over it.”

Phil slammed his hand down on the table, which made Chandler jump and stare at him with alarmed eyes. He pointed at her accusingly, shaking his head. There was fire in his eyes and he was aware he must have looked furious. “Don’t say something like that,” Phil hissed. “It’s not a fucking competition about how bad we both had it. We both went through horrible experiences and we’re bound to be fucked up about it, regardless of the level or extent of the abuse. Your experiences are just as valid as mine are. So I don’t even want to _hear_ you say that your situation wasn’t as bad as it sounds or anything of that sort. You matter. Your experiences matter. You shouldn’t downplay what you went through when it’s fucked you up this badly.”

“How can you just-“ Chandler’s voice broke and her eyes welled up with tears “- _say_ that? After what you’ve been through? After what I’ve put you through? How can you just recognise something like that? Why don’t you _spite_ me?”

This made Phil laugh, the sound sharp and rather harsh. He didn’t mean to sound like that, but it seemed as if he had no filter anymore when it came to Chandler, when it came to concerns about _Nico_. The truth was that Phil _did_ harbour bad feelings towards Chandler. Some might say that he hated her. But just because she did him wrong didn’t mean that she deserved the same treatment as him, that her feelings weren’t just as valid as his own. “Honestly? After everything that I’ve been through with both you and Nico, I hate you guys. I despise you and how you made me blame myself. I still haven’t forgiven you for that and I don’t know if I ever will. _But_ ,” Phil said, accenting his word and trying to make the distressed look disappear from her face, “just because you hurt me doesn’t mean that you deserve the same treatment that I went through. Sure, I was spiteful at first and even wanted revenge, but I’ve been working towards trying to understand the situation and to stop blaming anyone but Nico himself. Yes, you fucked up. Badly. You hurt me deeply, and I’m not over that. But that doesn’t justify how you were also abused by him, and I hope that you’ll come to that realisation sometime too. It’s taken me a long time to get here, and one of the only reasons I was able to get here was because I didn’t try to do this alone. I found a good support system through Dan and Ledjon, and I see a therapist now to help me through my panic attacks and other issues.” He didn’t mention how his therapist had mentioned PTSD, but he didn’t feel as though that was necessary for Chandler to hear. “You’ll get there too, and I know you will. It’s fucking hard, but you’ll get there.”

Chandler started to cry again, tears kissing her cheeks and painting her skin an angry red colour. She covered her eyes with her hands, pressing her palms into her eyes in a way that looked like it hurt. “Thank- thank you,” she gasped out, and Phil smiled at her. 

“Nobody deserves to go through that,” he said again in a soft voice, and he felt as though a giant weight has been lifted from his shoulders. For the longest time, he had held so much hatred for Chandler inside of him, holding it close to him as though it were a little piece of comfort. He had blamed her for everything and had wanted nothing more than to wreak havoc on her life. 

But now, all of his malicious intent floated away with her words. He didn’t know if he wanted to be close with her anymore, and he informed her of that, but nobody deserved to go through abuse, no matter what they’d done in their lives. Nobody _deserved_ that.

Chandler thanked him profusely, saying that she was glad that he was listening to her, even though he was angry with her. She didn’t stop crying for a long time, but eventually her tears dried and turned into soft sniffles. Her nose was red and her eyes were puffy and Phil offered her to use the bathroom to wash her face if she needed to, but she politely declined, saying she actually had to go so she could leave for work. 

As she stood up to leave, the front door creaked open, and Dan’s voice suddenly filled the room. 

“Honey, I’m home!” Dan yelled, as they often joked about now since Phil was practically playing housewife while Dan was away at school. Chandler shot Phil a confused and incredulous look, to which Phil grimaced as Dan started rambling about something, completely unaware of Chandler’s presence as of yet. “I grabbed some more laundry detergent on my way back. I figured we needed some because I can practically smell your dirty clothes all the way into the kitchen. Though that could also be because you leave your socks everywhere you please-“ he froze in the doorway to the kitchen, eyes widening at the scene before him, mouth gaping wide. “Erm- oh?” he questioned, which was quite comedic, except Phil didn’t find any humour in the situation. 

Phil ignored Chandler’s intrigued stare and awkwardly cleared his throat, gesturing to the blonde girl. “Dan, you remember Chandler, yeah? We were close friends.” Of course Dan remembered Chandler. How could he _not_? He’s heard about her enough that Phil was sure Dan could list all of her likes and dislikes off the top of his head. 

Dan nodded, and it was obvious by expression that he was horribly confused. “Of course. It’s nice to see you again,” he said lowly. 

Chandler nodded, eyes darting between Dan and Phil like she couldn’t quite understand what she was seeing. Dan seemed the same, both of them extremely lost as to what was happening. “Dan! I didn’t know that you two were…”

Immediately, Phil’s face turned a dark shade of red and his entire body felt hot. He shook his head, nudging her closer to the door so she could leave his home and allow him to explain what was going on to Dan, who was probably internally freaking out. “No, no, no,” Phil interjected at the accusation. He didn’t look at Dan, didn’t want to know what sort of facial expression Dan wore when someone assumed they were a _thing._ “We just live together now. You know. Best friend and all.”

“Right,” Chandler said, but she didn’t seem convinced. In fact, her whole face was filled with suspicion. Phil tried not to groan. 

This was _exactly_ what he didn’t need right now. 

“Well, you should get going,” Phil rushed out, and Chandler couldn’t do anything but nod her agreement and head towards the door. Phil _was_ pushing her a little bit after all. 

Right before she was pushed outside, she turned to Phil and wrapped him in a tight hug. He stood stiffly, his hands glued to his sides. While he appreciated the fact that she came to him for help, he was still quite uncertain how far he wanted his relationship to go with her again. He didn’t know if he ever wanted to be close with her once more. “Thank you. For everything,” Chandler murmured into his shoulder. “You’re more amazing than you give yourself credit for, and I’m sorry again for what I've put you through.”

Phil sighed and nodded, smiling at her as she detached herself from him. “It’s no problem,” he said smoothly. “Thank you for the apology.”

He didn’t say it was okay, because frankly it wasn’t. Chandler didn’t comment on his choice of words, only bid him farewell and walked out the door with another half smile towards him and another curious glance towards Dan. 

Phil didn’t allow himself to groan until the door was firmly closed and locked behind her, shielding him away from her prying stare. 

“What was that about?”

Dan’s question made Phil startle and he turned to find Dan leaning against the wall, arms crossed and eyebrows raised. He was the perfect picture of a woman who just caught her husband cheating, and the thought was a rather strange one to Phil. 

Phil shrugged. “She apologised about the Nico thing. Said Nico did the same thing to her. I assured her that she didn’t deserve the crap that he put her through.” Phil made a face. “No matter how much I wanted to tell her that karma was a bitch and that I told her so.”

At that, Dan cracked a smile and pushed himself away from the wall. He engulfed Phil in a large hug, nuzzling his nose into Phil’s hair and inhaling loudly. His arms were tight around Phil’s shoulders and Phil relaxed into the embrace, wrapping his arms around Dan’s waist. “That was a strong thing you did. I’m proud of you.”

“It was nothing,” Phil murmured, even though he knew it was _everything._

A week ago, he would never have dealt with something as smoothly as this. And yet, he stood up for himself while also recognising that Chandler didn’t deserve anything Nico had put her through. Phil had a right to be proud of himself. 

“Bullshit,” Dan snorted, and he kissed Phil’s head, making Phil melt into his touch even moreso. Phil liked Dan’s hugs. It was as though he were hugging a giant warm teddy bear. “You handled that very well. I’m _damn_ proud.”

And Phil wouldn’t admit this, but he was proud of himself as well. More than Dan could ever know. 


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has a slight panic attack in it. Thank you for all of your comments for this story and for all of the love! As you know, this fic was nominated for the @phanficawards for many awards (Edge of the Seat, Best angst, Best slow burn, best chaptered, and best of the best) and those awards are now open for voting!!! So head over to the phanficawards blog on tumblr if you'd like to vote for this fic for any of those categories :D As always thanks to snowbunnylester for editing this! The lyrics at the top of the story are from Otherside by Red Hot Chili Peppers!

_Pour my life into a paper cup; the ashtray's full and I'm spilling my guts. She wants to know am I still a slut? I've got to take it on the other side._

-

“Come on, we’re going out.”

Phil glanced up from his laptop, giving Dan an alarmed stare. Dan was standing by the couch with his winter jacket on and a soft smile on his face. Instead of the pyjamas that he’d been wearing all afternoon, he’d finally put on some black jeans with rips in them and a long plaid shirt that was poking out from the bottom of his jacket. His dimples were caved in and the warmth in his eyes made Phil’s chest cave in a little bit too, despite his apprehension. “Out? Out _where_?”

“Out _side_ ,” Dan answered sarcastically, putting his hands on his waist. He gave Phil an expectant stare. “Go put some trousers on or I’m dragging you out in your disgusting emoji pyjamas for the world to shame you.”

Phil pouted but he put his laptop to the side anyways, standing up and whining all the while. “You are the _worst_ friend,” Phil told Dan, pointing at him accusingly as he backed his way into his room. 

Dan tsked and shook his head, the smile only growing on his face. “Bet you won’t say that when you see what we’re doing today.”

That was enough for Phil to escape to his bedroom, throwing on some jeans and a random shirt that he later realised belonged to Dan. It wasn’t _his_ fault that Dan liked to throw his own clothing in the wash with Phil’s. He knew how forgetful Phil was by now, so there was always a chance that Dan’s shirts would automatically become Phil’s if he did that. That was the unspoken _rule._

He emerged after only ten minutes, not really giving a shit about his hair because it looked good enough for whatever occasion Dan was planning, he was sure. His hair was pushed back in a quiff and he probably looked like some hipster dude with his septum piercing and his skinny jeans and Dan’s Yeezy shirt. He didn’t even _like_ Kanye, but he didn’t care. He just threw his jacket over it and found Dan lounging on the couch, his shoes resting on the coffee table. 

“Get your feet down,” Phil reprimanded, scowling at his friend. 

Dan gave him an exasperated glare but listened, lowering his feet and standing up to his full height. “Okay _mum_ ,” he teased, raising his eyebrows in a challenging way. 

“ _Someone_ has to keep the place in order around here.”

“Oh, like you’re one to talk, mister I-Throw-My-Socks-On-Every-Surface-Possible.”

Phil gasped, feigning offense and reached out to cuff Dan on the back of the head. Dan ducked with a snicker and his eyes were full of light, warm like hot chocolate. “My socks give the place a nice, lived-in feel!”

Dan stuck his tongue out at him as they walked out the door, only pausing to lock it before they were on their way to God knows where. “It’s more like they give the place a smelly stench. Lived-in feel, my ass.”

They bickered back and forth as they walked, but it wasn’t serious in the slightest. At this point, they both just enjoyed roasting each other in every way possible and Phil was glad that he could share something like this with a person who meant the world to him. He was happy for these little moments where the world suddenly wasn’t caving in on him and he could finally see clearly for just a moment. It was as though he had emerged from the ground for just a little bit, enough to play around and have fun and just _be himself_. 

The self that he’d forgotten how to _be_. 

The air was biting into Phil’s cheeks and he shivered, walking closer to Dan to warm himself up just a tad more. It didn’t matter what temperature it was outside, Dan was always like a personal heater, and he was always more than happy enough to let Phil use his body heat for his own advantage. And Phil definitely did so. 

He cuddled into Dan’s side and Dan threw his arm around Phil’s shoulders even though he was talking about how badly Phil’s feet smelled, not even blinking at Phil’s sudden closeness. He just accepted the act as fact, allowing Phil the warmth that he craved, and continued to walk with Phil buried in Dan’s side. 

They didn’t care what it looked like to passerbys. They didn’t care that it seemed intimate to onlookers. They were just being _them_ , happy in their warm little bubble where Phil was _totally_ nagging Dan about how he always threw his boxers in with Phil’s wash, and Phil wouldn’t even realise until he had thrown on Dan’s freaking undergarments. 

“Who _does_ that?” Phil asked Dan, glaring up at his best friend with his eyebrows furrowed and his lips in a pout. Dan kept his face staring straight ahead but his lips were pulled up in a small, amused smile. “Who just throws their boxers into someone else’s wash? I understand if it’s a whole outfit, but _no_! It’s _just your boxers_!”

Dan cocked his brow, giving Phil an insinuating look. “Well, _you’re_ the one who actually wears my boxers. Who the hell does _that_?”

“It is _not my fault_.” 

“You keep telling yourself that, hun,” Dan said sarcastically, and Phil couldn’t help himself from grinning at the dumb pet name. He fully recognised that the name was used in a sarcastic and fun manner, but for some reason, Phil felt warm with the use of it. It was nice and it shielded him away from the biting cold of the December air outside. 

Phil kept that nickname locked up in his chest for later use, but he didn’t tell Dan that embarrassing information. 

They eventually came to a stop outside of a familiar shop, one that made Phil raise his eyebrows with an amused smile. “An ice cream shop? Really? It’s like two degrees outside!” 

Dan withdrew his arm from around Phil’s shoulders to instead gasp in mock offense, hand on his chest, and Phil was suddenly very cold again. He shuffled slightly closer to Dan so their arms were pressed together, and Dan replaced his arm to its rightful spot around Phil’s shoulders. Phil sighed in contentment. “Excuse you, I’m trying to do something nice for you since you’re doing so well lately! Appreciate me, damn it!”

The thing is that Phil _did_ appreciate Dan. More than he knew, that’s for sure. He appreciated their friendship and how Dan didn’t let Phil wallow in his self pity. He appreciated how Dan was supportive but was still not afraid to tell Phil if he didn’t agree with something. He appreciated the late nights spent watching Dan play _Fallout 4_ , screaming at the television like he was personally going to attack it. Phil appreciated every little thing about Dan, and he didn’t know how to show that without sounding corny, so he just snuggled into Dan’s side as much as he possibly could and whispered, “Thank you,” with as much feeling as possible. 

It wasn’t much, but Phil hoped Dan got the point anyways. 

They barrelled inside, the warm air immediately allowing Phil’s face to thaw a little bit, and he sighed with relief. Dan was a good heater, but the outside air was just a bit _too_ cold, even with the help of joined body heat. Unsurprisingly, the store was nearly empty because who the hell would go to an ice cream shop in the middle of December? Certainly not Phil, and yet here he was, looking at the types of ice cream and trying to figure out which one would make him feel all warm and fuzzy inside despite the coldness of the treat. 

He ended up with chocolate chip because that was always a safe option for him, while Dan went for something much sweeter and opted for a strawberry cheesecake ice cream, which sounded like something Phil would hate due to his hatred for cheese. He silently judged his friend as he licked at his ice cream cone, and Dan returned the stare with an exasperated sigh. 

“Just because you don’t like cheesy things doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy my cheesecake ice cream,” Dan whined, accentuating his point with an extra large bite of his treat. 

Phil pretended to gag. “Good thing I don’t have to kiss that dirty mouth of yours,” Phil teased without thinking. 

He didn’t think anything of it until Dan’s cheeks turned a slight rose colour, and then the reality of what he’d said started to sink in. Phil could feel his own face turn a dark shade of red, and he didn’t even know _why_ he was thinking of kissing Dan, when he should just be thinking about kissing his own goddamn ice cream. He took a bite out of his ice cream to hide his embarrassment, and luckily Dan didn’t comment on what a strange thing it was for Phil to say. 

“I dunno,” Dan replied with a dramatic tinge to his tone. He cocked his eyebrow and smirked, his lips turning upright. “I think I’d taste pretty good, in my opinion.” With that, he planted a big kiss on his ice cream cone, decorating his lips with the sugary treat. He then turned to Phil and puckered his lips, as though he were going to kiss Phil. 

Phil shrieked, cackling loudly as he flung himself away from Dan, using his own cone as a shield like that’d be enough to stop Dan. “Get those nasty cheese lips away from me!” he screeched, ignoring the stares from onlookers. 

Dan flung himself at Phil and they wrestled for a moment, trying their damnedest to _not_ crush their cones in their hands while Phil tried to fend Dan off. They were both giggling like children, and Phil nearly screamed when a pair of cold, sticky lips touched his cheek, leaving behind ice cream residue. 

Only then did Dan back away, laughing wildly and wiping his lips off on a napkin. Phil wiped at his cheek with disgust on his face, full on pouting. “I can’t believe you’ve done this!” Phil whined, trying to get the ice cream off his cheek, but the damage was already done and his skin was sticky and red. 

Dan snickered and he looked so damn smug that Phil wanted to shove _his_ ice cream in Dan’s face. But he didn’t, sadly, because then that would waste a perfectly good dessert, and he couldn't have that. “What? You asked for it, Philly!”

“I remember specifically not asking for your cheesy lips to touch my face,” Phil scoffed, shaking his head. He tried to glare, but Dan’s dimple was showing off so much that Phil had a hard time keeping the hard look on his face. Eventually, he ended up caving in and smiling. 

“Got it. No cheese lips unless I have your consent,” Dan confirmed, giving Phil a cheeky wink. It should feel like flirting, but Phil couldn’t help but think that it didn’t at all. They were just, well, _them_. Two best friends who joked around with each other and flirted as a way to make the other person laugh. This was comfortable.

This was just Dan and Phil. 

They finished their ice creams as they were walking, making small talk and window shopping. Phil recognised where they were now, and he couldn’t shake the memories off of the time when he and Nico had gone shopping here, when Nico had first made a comment about what Phil was wearing. 

Looking back on it, Phil couldn’t believe that he had been so easily influenced. Back then, his self esteem had been extremely high compared to what it now was. Maybe that was when Phil’s body image slowly started to crumble, tearing away everything he’d originally thought and replacing it with someone who couldn’t even go outside anymore unless he was covered up and wearing monochrome clothes. What had happened to the Phil who wore v-necks and bright colours? Why had he allowed some _douche bag_ to determine his self worth? 

The old Phil was dead, and he didn’t quite know how to resurrect him. 

Of course, it was easier thought than done, apparently, because the next moment, Phil was being dragged into Topman with no other choice. Dan had his hand wrapped around Phil’s wrist and he was tugging, pulling, saying how he wanted to buy Phil a nice shirt or something so that Phil would stop stealing Dan’s. 

“I don’t need a new shirt,” Phil complained, his heart beginning to beat out of his chest at the mere _sight_ of the store. The last time he’d been in here, he’d gotten a panic attack just from trying on a shirt. Now, just the thought of going back inside was enough to make Phil’s hands begin to sweat. 

Dan shushed him, tugged him behind him as they began to roam the stores. Phil shut his trap and let Dan shove various items of clothing into his arms. “Just let me do something nice for you because I’m a proud mother.”

“You’re always doing something nice for me,” Phil muttered, and then added on a sarcastic, “ _mum._ ”

“But I haven’t bought you _clothes_ before, and you desperately need some since you keep stealing mine. It’s time for you to get your own wardrobe for a change.” His voice was teasing and it made Phil relax slightly, knowing that he was in safe hands. He knew that Dan didn’t actually give a shit about whether or not Phil wore his clothes. Dan just wanted to make sure he was well taken care of and he wanted to show Phil how proud he was through materialistic items. 

Phil wasn’t going to tell him no when his dimples were showing so largely that it transformed his entire face into something resembling the fucking sun. 

So he allowed Dan to throw clothes at him, let Dan pick out items for him. He felt as if he were in a dream, moving accordingly and unable to speak for himself. Dan did the moving for him, Dan did the speaking for him, Dan did _everything_ that Phil couldn’t do. 

When Dan asked him questions, Phil gave him soft answers, his voice sounding far away to his own ears, and it wasn’t until he was shoved into a dressing room with a pile of miscellaneous clothing that he began to get ahold of himself again. 

He lumped all of the clothing onto the chair inside of the dressing room and worked through the clothes, pulling on shirt after shirt and modeling them to Dan, who told him whether he looked cool or not. Most of the shirts had bright patterns on it, and Dan mentioned that the colours brought out the yellow and green in Phil’s eyes, which in turn brought red to his cheeks. 

It all felt eerily familiar. He didn’t know if he quite liked it. He enjoyed being here with Dan and having Dan dress him up like a freaking model, with ripped jeans and even something that resembled a trench coat, but his mind was preoccupied with thoughts of the last time this had happened, when he’d come here with Nico and done just this, putting on his own performance only to get his self esteem ripped out of him like a Deathclaw in Fallout. 

He tried to distance himself from the situation. Tried to remind himself that this was _Dan,_ not Nico, and Dan had been supportive of everything he’d done thus far. He wouldn’t call Phil names or put him down based on what he was wearing. He wouldn’t go out of his way to make Phil feel bad about himself. Phil knew that. He could tell by the delight in Dan’s eyes, the happiness, as he regarded Phil with a smile so wide it resembled the sun. 

It wasn’t until the last piece of clothing that Phil froze. 

He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t _wear_ this. Not again. He couldn’t show this to Dan, couldn’t show him the bad parts of himself that he’d tried so hard to bury deep inside. He had finally begun to heal, and he was afraid that those walls he’d built were slowly crumbling down, just from the sigh of a stupid tank top. 

He clutched the garment in his hand and walked out of the dressing room. Dan’s eyebrows raised expectantly, as if asking what was wrong, but Phil spoke before his friend could say anything. “I can’t wear this,” Phil told him bluntly. 

Dan looked at him, long and hard. His face didn’t show anything other than understanding and Phil wanted to sob, but he held himself together with needle and twine. “I won’t force you to wear it if you’re not comfortable,” Dan told him, and Phil sighed with relief. “Can I ask what’s on your mind, though?”

The million dollar question that Phil didn’t want to answer. What even _was_ on his mind? There was a lot, a low thrum of thoughts that screamed at him and made fun of him. He wanted to yell at them to shut up but he couldn’t when he didn’t even know what they were telling him in the first place. “I…” Phil cleared his throat, swallowing, and tried again. “I tried this on before and I look like a slut. I don’t need to try it on again.”

“Phil,” Dan said softly, standing from where he was sitting on a bench and making his way over to Phil. He put his hand on Phil’s shoulder, the warmth of his palm seeping into Phil’s skin. “I can assure you that you don’t look like a slut in that.”

“How would you know? You weren’t there.”

Dan smiled, squeezing Phil’s shoulder. “The shirt is a tank top. It’s okay to show some skin as long as you’re comfortable with it. Society has these dumb standards where they think that certain material items and actions make you a slut or a whore, even if you aren’t. It’s really harmful. But the most important thing to remember is that you have to do what makes you happy and wear what you want to wear. If you feel good in something, then who cares what other people think? You can’t please everybody, so you should focus on pleasing yourself.” He paused, searching Phil’s face before going on. “In my professional opinion, I think you’ll look stunning in that shirt. Hell, I think you look stunning in anything that you’re comfortable and confident in.” 

Phil’s mind was spinning. He didn’t know what to think, what to _feel_. He surveyed Dan’s face, looking for anything to let him know it was a lie, but he came up empty handed. Dan’s face was soft, his eyes full of warmth, and he seemed like he believed every word that he’d said full-heartedly. Phil’s heart was pounding in his chest and he felt as though he couldn’t breathe. 

He clenched the tank top, wringing it in his hands as if he were trying to wash away all of his insecurities. It didn’t work, but he imagined it did, the insecurity seeping into the floorboards and soaking into the wood where it would remain buried underground forever. Phil wished that would happen. 

He swallowed the lump in his throat and found that he couldn’t speak very well. So he just nodded and walked back into the dressing room, feeling as though he was separated from his body. His fingers were quivering as he smoothed out the shirt, staring at it for a long time, longer than necessary. The pattern burned shapes into his eyes and he thought he probably had it memorised by now. 

He took a deep breath and held it for a few seconds before letting it out in one harsh puff. Closing his eyes, he took off the shirt he was wearing and replaced it with the tank top without looking in the mirror. 

He didn’t want to know what he looked like because he already knew. 

When he emerged, Dan didn’t hide the proud grin from creeping up on his face. In fact, he engulfed Phil in a hug, not caring that they were in the middle of the store and that was probably weird as fuck since they were two grown men, but that didn’t matter. Phil’s eyes were wet with unshed tears and Dan’s hold on him was so tight that Phil nearly burst into tears right then and there. 

He didn’t, though. He stayed strong as Dan pulled away and gave his best friend a watery smile. “Tell me what you think,” he whispered, voice so quiet that he could barely hear when he spoke. “I want to know what you’re _really_ thinking.”

Dan hummed, his eyes raking over Phil’s body in a way that made Phil want to shrink back and hide his shoulders. It wasn’t that he felt unsafe around Dan, it was just that he felt so _naked_ that this seemed weirdly intimate. “Honestly?” Dan asked, and Phil felt like he was going to pass out as he nodded. “You look like the most beautiful person I’ve ever laid my eyes on.”

Phil was floored. His face turned a shade of red that was probably incomparable to anything in the world. His jaw dropped and Dan’s smile was so bright it was blinding. He was speechless once again and he could swear that his heart stopped beating. 

When he gathered himself, he stuttered out a reply. “Do- do you really mean that?”

Dan touched his cheek with the tips of his fingers. Phil nuzzled into the embrace and closed his eyes, feeling himself calming down. This was Dan. Of course he meant it. He never lied to Phil. This was _Dan._ “I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life,” Dan promised. 

Phil ended up buying the shirt, feeling like he was walking on clouds. For once, the store wasn’t associated with Nico. For once, he bought something that Nico didn’t like with the knowledge that someone else _did_ like it, and that person’s opinions meant the world to Phil. 

For once, he was feeling a flutter in his chest that had nothing to do with Nico or the constant anxiety swelling in him. He didn’t know what it meant, but as he looked at Dan, the flutter turned into a loud buzzing, and it was pleasant in the weirdest of ways. 

Is this what happiness felt like?


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all of your comments for this story and for all of the love! As you know, this fic was nominated for the @phanficawards for many awards (Edge of the Seat, Best angst, Best slow burn, best chaptered, and best of the best) and those awards are now open for voting!!! So head over to the phanficawards blog on tumblr if you’d like to vote for this fic for any of those categories :D As always thanks to @snowbunnylester for editing this! The lyrics at the top of the story are from Hurricane by 30 Seconds to Mars

_No matter how many deaths that I die I will never forget. No matter how many lives I live I will never regret. There is a fire inside of this heart and a riot about to explode into flames_.

-

There was something on Phil’s mind and he couldn’t seem to get it to go away, no matter how hard he tried. 

Recently, Phil had been feeling a bit strange around Dan. Not necessarily a bad strange. But he didn’t really know if it was a _good_ strange either. He thought it was fine most of the time, almost as though nothing was amiss, but then suddenly, Dan would say something and Phil’s entire body would feel hot all over, almost like he was going to faint. His chest would feel like it was going to collapse in on itself, and Phil would often obsess over the words that Dan had said all throughout the day. 

Normally the words were just small comments, ones that weren’t unusual for Dan. Phil would sputter when Dan told him that he looked nice. He would inhale sharply as Dan told him how he had fun with Phil. Fuck, sometimes Dan didn’t even have to say _anything_ , would just smile brightly, and Phil’s lungs would suddenly give up on him.

It was almost like he was having a panic attack. That was the closest thing Phil could compare the feelings to. He would display all of the symptoms: shaking, breathing problems, obsessing, perspiration. The only thing he didn’t actually _feel_ was the panic that came along with it. Phil didn’t know what the fuck was going on with him and why Dan brought strange emotions like this to the surface. 

So Phil decided to call up the one person - aside from Dan - who would never judge him no matter what. 

Ledjon answered on the second ring, his voice sounding tired as though he’d just woken up from a deep sleep. Phil glanced at the clock, finding that it was only half six, and snorted, rolling his eyes. 

“Seriously, Ledjon?” he asked, unamused. “You’re really sleeping right now?” 

Ledjon huffed out a laugh and there was crinkling on the other side of the line, like he was shuffling in bed. In fact, Phil figured that he was doing _exactly_ that. “Don’t judge me, Lester. I was just taking a light nap.” 

“A light nap! At half six?!” Phil shook his head, sitting on his own bed. He ran his eyes over his door, making sure that the lock was turned so that Dan couldn’t get inside. He didn’t want Dan to hear any of this, especially when he was talking about him. “The night is still young. Get the fuck up, loser.”

“I’m up, I’m up,” Ledjon grumbled. Phil could imagine the light frown on his face, and it made him smile. “What did you need me for anyways? Did you just call to bully me about my sleeping habits?”

Phil sighed, the banter suddenly disappearing into thin air. He was suddenly filled with nerves for no reason other than his own feelings. His therapists words ran through his mind, telling him how he needs to open himself up to people, to tell them what he thinks in order to stop shoving his emotions deep into a box, never to be seen again. It’s the first step to healing, to admit to himself what his feelings are, to _talk_ to people about them, but this never got easier no matter what the subject was. 

Especially this subject. 

Phil didn’t want to admit it to anybody, didn’t want to acknowledge the feelings bubbling up inside of him. He didn’t know what his feelings meant, but he was already worried that whatever he was feeling would ruin the friendship he and Dan had built up from the ashes. He didn’t want that, especially after everything they’d been through, after Dan had put up with Phil’s shit more than anybody else had. The thought of losing Dan _now_ was fucking terrifying. 

But he needed to get this off his chest. So with a deep breath, Phil uttered a small, “I’ve been feeling a bit strange lately and I need to talk about it with someone other than Dan.”

Ledjon made an intrigued noise and Phil could tell that he was completely awake now. Maybe he was sitting up now, staring intently at the wall as he waited for Phil to go on. “So spit it out, then,” he said in a soft tone that was completely different to what his words came off as. 

Phil took a deep breath. He didn’t know what he was going to say, where he was going to _start_. Did he talk about how Dan made his chest squeeze tight like there was a snake wrapping around his lungs? Did he talk about how Dan’s smile lit up the whole freaking room like he was in some stupid romcom? Phil didn’t know. He didn’t _know._ How was he supposed to tell someone else his feelings when he didn’t know what he was feeling in the first place? 

“He makes me feel…” Phil paused, gulped, tried to sort out his mind as best as he could. “Warm. Safe. I don’t know. I see him and it makes my day a thousand times better. He’s my best friend and literally the best person that I’ve ever met. He’s been here for me through literally everything and doesn’t judge me no matter what I do. Lately, I’ve just wanted to see him happy and smiling more than anything in the world. And for some reason I want his reason to smile to be _me.”_

The line on the other end was absolutely silent. No rustling. No breathing. No speaking. Phil let out a nervous laugh. “Is something wrong with me, Ledjon?”

Finally, there was a hint of life on the other line in the form of a deep sigh, like Ledjon had suddenly let out all of his breath at once. “Nothing is wrong with you, Phil. I think that considering what you both have been through together, it’s normal that you’d have these sorts of feelings towards him. I think you both compliment each other very well, actually.”

“But that’s the thing,” Phil whined. His voice came out much more tortured than he meant for it to, and he stood from his bed, pacing around the room. He was restless, his stomach tied in knots. “I don’t know _what_ I’m feeling.”

Ledjon laughed, his voice tinged with surprise as though the sound had been jerked out of him. Phil grimaced because he didn’t want to know _why_ Ledjon was laughing at him, and he fell backwards onto his bed. The force of his fall made him bounce a couple of times, and he knocked his head against the edge of his bedside table. He grumbled under his breath, rubbing his head, and Ledjon had yet to answer, having gone completely silent.

“Well?” Phil asked nervously, staring at the ceiling and chuckling awkwardly. “Am I weird or am I weird?”

“You’re not weird, Phil,” Ledjon said softly. His voice was now calculating, as though he were trying to figure out how to tiptoe around Phil without upsetting him. Phil didn’t want Ledjon to tiptoe around him. Phil wanted Ledjon to be honest. He wanted Ledjon to give it to him straight and tell him how much of a fucking _wuss_ he was. 

“I think you just have a lot on your plate right now and you’re trying to figure out your emotions. That’s hardly _weird_. I just…” Ledjon cleared his throat and Phil’s heart started to pound so hard in his chest that he was afraid it was going to jump out, splattering on the wall and staining the white with red. “Do you think you love him? Dan, I mean?”

Phil squinted at the ceiling, and now it was his turn to bark out a laugh. It was as though he had been punched in the gut, his teeth clenching together and his eyes scrunching up so tightly that stars danced behind his eyelids. “Seriously, Ledjon?” Phil asked, unamused. “I just broke up with Nico like six months ago. I’m not exactly capable of love right now.”

“I disagree with that.” Phil opened his mouth to argue some more, but Ledjon cut him off before he could, so he just glared at the ceiling some more. “I think you’re so full of love that you don’t know what to do with yourself. It doesn’t have to be romantic, of course. Platonic love is just as important as romantic. I know that you love me, and I know that you love Dan. You love your mum, and if you didn’t have an ounce of love in you then you wouldn’t have forgiven Chandler so easily. You’re capable of love just as much as I am.”

“But not _romantic_ love, Ledjon. I’m fucking broken. I have nightmares, and have a breakdown if I smell a certain type of cologne. My self esteem is so low that a fucking monkey likes itself more than I like myself. I’m not over Nico yet and I don’t know if I ever will be.”

Ledjon hummed, but it didn’t really sound like he believed Phil. He sounded more like he was listening to Phil’s words and considering them enough to fight back, to convince Phil that he was _wrong_. Phil knew he was right about that as soon as Ledjon opened his mouth again. “But that’s the thing, Phil. You are healing. You EW getting better. Maybe you’re not at your best yet, but that’s okay. We all have things to work on, and I know you’ll get there someday too. But I also know that love finds us at the weirdest times. It doesn’t exactly wait for our permission to fall in love. Sometimes it just… _happens_. And I sure as hell don’t think your feelings for Dan are entirely platonic.”

Phil’s head was beginning to hurt. He rolled over and buried his head into his pillow, hoping that he would suffocate and would never have to feel these dumb emotions ever again. It was just his luck, honestly. He’d just gotten out of a horrible relationship, had used people to make himself feel better, and now he was potentially falling in love with his best friend? When he was at the worst point of his entire life?

Why the fuck couldn’t he have fallen in love with Dan _before_ he’d ever met Nico?

But then again, he wasn’t entirely convinced that he _did_ love Dan. Of course, he did platonically, but _romantically_? Wasn’t that jumping the gun a little bit? Dan and Phil weren’t a thing. Dan had never shown Phil any amount of interest, had never tried to get to know him in _that way_. He was always just friendly, a shoulder for Phil to lean on when he needed him. His best friend. 

Phil didn’t see how he could fall in love with someone so easily if he weren’t dating them. And that was why he didn’t fully believe Ledjon’s claims. 

“Okay I’ll humour you for a second,” Phil said flatly, sitting up in bed. He glared at the door now, feeling on edge as though Dan could walk in at any moment. “Say that, for some reason, I _do_ love Dan. If I end up dating him right now, I’d fucking ruin him. He deserves better than me.”

“Phil,” Ledjon huffed. He sounded irritated, although Phil knew he wasn’t. He was just playing it up a bit to make Phil quit worrying for once. It didn’t work, but Phil appreciated the effort. “You don’t give yourself enough credit. You also need to start letting Dan make his own decisions on whether he deserves better than you. He’s a big boy and he can figure out what he wants.” Ledjon tsked. “I have a sneaking suspicion that Dan may love you just as much as you love him.”

Phil snorted, half because of the insinuation that Phil loved Dan, but also at the suggestion that Dan may just love Phil back. Yeah fucking right. “Right. Well on that note, I need to get off. Dan’s making dinner and I can smell the garlic bread from here.”

Ledjon cooed. “So romantic!” he exclaimed. Phil could imagine the eyebrow wiggle from over the phone. “Get you a man who can cook. I like your style.”

“Good _bye_ , Ledjon,” Phil said firmly, cracking only a little smile. Just a little one. Not too big. 

“Bye, Phil. Just remember that garlic bread is an aphrodisiac and makes people fall in love, okay? Use protection!”

“You’re insufferable,” Phil said fondly, shaking his head. He hung up the phone before Ledjon could say anything else. 

He let out a long exhale, burying his face in his hands and groaning. How was he supposed to face Dan now? Now that he’d gotten the word _love_ thrown in his face in far too many ways than he’d have preferred. 

He contemplated his existence for another five minutes before deciding to quit moping and to grow a uterus. Upon steeling himself, he stood up and opened his door, immediately walking to the kitchen where Dan was cooking spaghetti and the wonderful garlic bread. He paused in the entryway of the kitchen, just watching Dan work for a moment. 

Dan was wearing an apron with cats on it that said “Meow-licioso” on the front of it in curling letters. His sleeves were rolled up as he bent over the stove to look inside the oven. He was humming a tune that Phil recognised as the Pirates of the Caribbean theme, which made him smile to himself. Dan was such a nerd, and Phil adored that about him. His eyes curved along Dan’s cheekbones, noting the way that his skin was rosy and his eyelashes caressed his cheeks like they were kissing. His lips were full and plump, but slightly cracked from where he liked to gnaw on his skin as a nervous habit. 

He looked a lot happier than he had in months, and that made Phil proud. Proud to know that they were both healing and getting better. Slowly but surely. 

Dan caught sight of Phil before he could hide his staring, but he didn’t comment on it. He just made a surprised noise and his face lit up like a candle as he straightened himself off and brushed off his apron. “Waifu!” he exclaimed, making Phil roll his eyes. 

“Waifu? Seriously?” Phil asked with fake exasperation. 

“What!” Dan laughed, eyes bright. “You aren’t my waifu?”

Phil shook his head, raising his eyebrows. “It’s not that. It’s just,” he gestured to Dan’s apron, “isn’t it _you_ who should be _my_ waifu?”

Dan pouted and put his hands on his hips, totally completing his look as Phil’s anime wife. It made Phil chuckle fondly, and he was sure his expression was disgustingly sappy. “It’s not as fun to say husbando though, Phil!” The way that he said Phil’s name made it sound like there was a ‘w’ at the end, and it made Phil’s heart grow in his chest a little bit. “Just give me this for once.”

“Fine, fine,” Phil sighed as if it was the hardest thing in the world. “I’ll let you be _my_ husbando then. Boring.”

Dan clapped excitedly and flung himself at Phil, giving him a sloppy kiss on the cheek that made him screech and try to slap Dan away. But then he thought better of it and instead grabbed Dan, pulling him closer, before moving his hair out of the way and planting a bit wet kiss on his forehead. His lips made a loud smacking noise as he pulled away and there was spit making Dan’s forehead shine, but it was gone before Phil could even process it by Dan’s sudden furious dabbing. “Phil, you’re disgusting!” he whined. 

Phil scoffed. “Me?! I’m the disgusting one?! You’re the one who started it in the first place!”

“But you could have messed up my _hair_!”

“To hell with your bloody hair, Dan. Looks better curly anyways.”

“Not curly with _spit_ , you fucking spork!”

They bickered back and forth for a moment with no real bite to their words. There were smiles on their faces and a light aura surrounding them. After a moment, Dan began to cook again, turning back to the stove while still bitching about his hair, and Phil grinned to himself as he watched Dan stir the sauce into the noodles. A little blob of marinara splashed onto Dan’s cheek, and Phil chuckled, walking closer to him so that he could wipe it off with his index finger.

Dan paused, and Phil could swear that his cheeks turned a slight shade of pink under his touch, but it was gone before he could truly tell, leaving Phil to wonder if he’d even seen it at all. 

“You had some sauce on your cheek,” Phil explained softly, holding up his stained finger in explanation. There was a moment where he considered licking it off because that’s what he saw people do in anime, but he stopped himself from being weird before he could do so. The last thing he needed right now was to make Dan feel uncomfortable. So he wiped it off on a paper towel, sitting down at the kitchen table as he watched Dan finish cooking.

When Dan was finished, he loaded up a heap of spaghetti onto Phil’s plate, as well as two pieces of garlic bread, and set it in front of Phil with a glass of ribena. Phil thanked him for being such a good housewife and began to dig in, moaning at the taste. In his opinion, Dan was the best cook in the entire world, and Phil was just a lowly peasant who got to taste Dan’s wonders. 

Dinner was just like every other night. They laughed, they chatted about their days. Dan talked about how he was working on a film at school and had made Louise be his prop so he could aesthetically film her. Phil, in turn, told Dan how he’d just been working all day, and then he’d done nothing and was getting kind of bored of just doing that. 

It was normal. It was just them. 

Except it _wasn’t._

Now, Phil noticed things. He noticed how his eyes lingered on Dan’s lips for too long to be friendly. How he tracked the movement whenever Dan licked or bit at his lips. He noticed how Dan’s eyes ran over Phil’s face as though Dan was trying to drink in every single one of Phil’s facial expressions. How Dan’s expression was far fonder than whenever he looked at anyone else. 

It was different, and Phil didn’t know if he liked it. He sort of wished he hadn’t called Ledjon earlier, because now these feelings were here, and they made _sense_ , and he didn’t know if he wanted them to. 

So he stuffed them down deep inside. Pretended like his stomach wasn’t in knots every time Dan laughed at one of his jokes. He pretended as though he was normal and he just looked at Dan like a friend, just as he should. _Only_ a friend. 

Because he couldn’t bring Dan down with him. He couldn’t use Dan as a means to feel better. Because while he loved Dan and trusted him with his life, Phil didn’t trust himself enough to know that he wouldn’t hurt Dan. 

He refused to destroy the most beautiful thing in his life. 


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kind of a short chapter, but that's alright. I think it's important! I'm excited about the next few chapters ahhh. Chapter 28 MAY come out a little bit early? Not positive? Because I'm going to chicago this next weekend, but it depends on if i have internet connection or not. If I have internet connection then i'm gonna upload it on saturday as usual! Thanks for snowbunnylester for editing for me. The lyrics at the beginning are from The Fire by Tonight Alive.
> 
> ALSO, thank you SO MUCH to everybody who voted for this fic in the phanfic awards. I am super proud to announce that this fic won many awards! Sweet Pea was officially voted first place Best of the Best fic, Best Angst, and Best Chaptered, and second place in the Edge of the Seat Award, and Slow Burn, for the phanfic awards 2017! I appreciate and love all of you and i'm gonna cry wtf!

_But I made it out alive. I’m here to say I breathe; at least I try. I won’t go without a fight. You can’t stop me._

-

Phil has been doing a lot of thinking. 

Truth was, he was bored. He was bored of _life._ His life had become an endless cycle of the same things over and over again; get up, go to work, get back home, clean the house, make dinner, play video games, talk to Dan, go to sleep. Over and over and over again. There was nothing for him to be excited about, nothing that made the wheels in his head turn to make him think, nothing to expand his knowledge about subjects that he cared about. 

He missed school. He missed his friends. He missed going _out._ He missed how he would go to school and giggle in the middle of lectures because his friend had decided to make a lame sex joke under their breath. He missed going to the dining halls on campus and watching the people walk past as he ate a sad enchilada. He missed how he had to stay up late to finish essays because he’d procrastinated way too much. Okay well, maybe he _didn’t_ miss that part, but he missed the other stuff and it almost made him long for that as well. 

He was trapped in an endless cycle of boredom and he didn’t really know what to do about it. 

“Dan, I think I’m dying,” Phil groaned out one day, when his thoughts finally caught up to him and he realised that he _couldn’t fucking do this anymore._

Dan set down his DS, which Phil assumed he had been using to play Animal Crossing judging by the songs. His friend raised his eyebrows in question, staring at him quizzically, expectantly. “Okay?” Dan asked slowly. “And why do you think you’re dying.”

Phil pressed his palms into his eyes and pressed down. Stars danced across his vision like it was mimicking the night sky, and he let out another pitiful groan. “I’m so fucking _bored._ ”

“Alright, so do something else then and stop sitting around on your ass,” Dan replied as though it was the simplest solution in the entire world. He went to pick up his DS again, but Phil stopped him with his words. 

“No, like. I’m bored. With _life.”_ Phil sighed, and he didn’t really think before he started to speak again. He had gotten a little better about speaking about his feelings, thanks to the endless prodding from Nate, but he was still pretty bad at it. Especially when it came to major life choices and not thinking it through before he suggested it. “I think I want to go back to school.”

Dan really did drop his DS then. It dropped to the floor with a thump as he sat up from the couch, staring at Phil with his mouth open in a gape. “Now hold on,” Dan said, his eyes blinking fast. “Let’s talk about this first so I can understand your sudden change of heart.” 

Phil groaned and flung himself backwards on the couch, fully aware that he was throwing a temper tantrum. He didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t want to _think_ about it. He just wanted to _do._ He was bored. So fucking bored that it made his head spin and his fingers tap rhythmically on the desk. Staying in the house during the day, just doing work and coming back home afterwards, was making him go insane. 

He needed to _do something_. 

“What is there to understand, Dan?” Phil asked, his voice pathetic and whiney like he was a god damn baby. “I’m so bored that I think I’m going to actually die. What else is there to think about?”

Dan bit his lip, looking concerned. Phil didn’t really understand why he was so concerned. Didn’t he want Phil to go back to school? To do something with his life? With the way that Dan was looking now, it seemed like he was more apprehensive than anything at this suggestion, and it made Phil’s heart sink. Phil’s shoulders began to sag with defeat and his chest caved in like he was trying to hide himself from the world. Dan saw this, shaking his head and scooting closer to him on the couch. “No, no! It’s not what you’re thinking,” Dan promised. He put an arm around Phil’s shoulders, and brought him closer so that he could place a chaste kiss on the side of Phil’s head. 

Phil relaxed into him, because this was _Dan_ and there was no way that Phil could just give up an offer of cuddling a literal giant teddy bear. He stayed silent as Dan continued, just drinking in his warmth and closing his eyes to try and calm himself down, to tell himself that Dan was here, of _course_ he was going to be concerned about Phil. “So what aren’t I thinking of then?” Phil murmured, closing his eyes and soaking in the feel of being cuddled up close to Dan.

“Well,” Dan started. He picked up his hand and started to brush his fingers through Phil’s hair, just how Phil liked it. It was wonderful and made Phil’s head get off of the impending conversation just slightly. He always liked when people brushed their fingers through his hair, almost as though he were a cat. It made him feel calm. Loved, even. “I’m honestly just concerned about your mental stability at the moment. Not because I don’t think you can handle school or anything, but because I know you dropped out because you physically _couldn’t_ handle it anymore. So I guess I just worry that you’ll join school again and then immediately feel pressured and overwhelmed again, which is something I don’t want for you. Does that make sense, or am I just an asshole?”

Phil chuckled, shaking his head. “You’re not an asshole, Dan,” he said warmly, and it was the truth. He could see where Dan was coming from with this. After all, Dan had seen Phil in probably every mood possible by now. He’d seen Phil when he’d given up. He’d seen Phil when he was angry. He’d seen Phil when he was broken beyond repair, and he’d seen Phil when he was baking five batches of cookies while dancing around the kitchen singing Japanese music at the top of his lungs. Phil had no doubt in his mind that Dan knew him better than he knew himself.

Which was why Phil was confident enough in their relationship to calmly tell Dan why he had to do this, why he had to go back to school. Not for anybody else, but for _himself_.

“I’ll be honest with you, Dan,” he began, taking his best friend’s free hand in his own. He started to play with Dan’s fingers, picking them up slightly and letting them slap back down onto his thigh. “At this point in my life, right now, I feel like I don’t enjoy anything anymore. Sure, that was the same as before and I know that. But while I felt like I had nothing to live for back then, I feel like I can… I don’t know, _accomplish_ something now? Like maybe I can do something other than sitting around on my ass playing Mario Kart all day and working at a dumb pizza place. If I go to school, I think it’ll give me that drive to actually do something again, you know? Like maybe I can be an English professor someday and actually be happy with myself. Doesn’t that sound great?”

Dan was silent for a moment, which was disconcerting to Phil. He glanced over at Dan to find his friend grinning so largely that he couldn’t possibly speak, his entire face lit up like the sun. He surged forward suddenly, embracing Phil in a hug so tight that it knocked the breath out of him. “Fuck, I’m so proud of you,” Dan whispered in Phil’s ear, pressing a kiss to the side of his head. It felt weirdly intimate, but Phil didn’t mind. He rather liked it. “Two months ago, you never would have said something like this. And now you’re filled with hope and amazement and excitement about the _future_.” 

Dan sighed and sat back, holding Phil at arms length. His eyes were golden honey on a bright day, and Phil mimicked his happy grin. “I’m so immensely proud of you, Phil. I don’t think you know just how much guts this took to finally try to start getting on your feet again. I support you wholeheartedly, and I’ll be there for you every step of the way no matter what, just as I always have been.”

Phil laughed, a giddy bubble escaping from his chest. “Thank you,” he murmured. “Admittedly, I’m scared. _Really_ scared.” He looked away from Dan, staring at the ceiling instead and squinting like he was trying to find something on the white surface. “What if I see Nico there? Chandler? What if I have a break down? What if I end up not being able to do it? Because you’re right. I _am_ screwed up. I do have a lot going on. There are probably going to be times I have a panic attack and won’t be able to finish homework due to that. I have full faith that’ll happen. But I can’t just give up due to some guy who made me love him more than I loved myself.” Phil paused and made eye contact with Dan, his gaze burning. “It’s about time I loved myself. It’s about time I stopped sulking around. I need to get out, Dan, and this is one of the first steps into having a better life.”

Dan was staring at Phil as though he had put the stars in the sky, his expression filled with awe. He was happy, so happy, that Phil almost thought he would just lean forward and kiss him or something. That was the kind of expression Dan was giving him, and it made Phil’s chest swell in a pleasant and excited way. Dan didn’t kiss him though, of course he didn’t, because they were best friends, but he did pick up Phil’s hand, entwining their fingers together. “I’m so fucking proud of you, jesus christ. But you’re wrong about this being the first step.” Phil cocked his head in confusion, and waited for Dan to go on. “The first step started as soon as Nico walked out of your life. You started to heal that same day. It may not have felt like it, but you started to do things that were the best for you, even if you may have chosen some coping mechanisms that weren't’t healthy.” Phil grimaced as he remembered Jace, how he’d cheated on him, how many people he’d slept with in such a short time frame. He wasn’t proud of that. “It’s been fucking hard, and it may not have felt like you were healing, but you _were._ You still are. And you’re doing better every day. Not everybody can do that but you _did_. Do you know how amazing that is?”

Phil beamed, and his eyes started to well up with tears despite himself. He was being a baby, but that was alright. He had no qualms with crying in front of Dan now. And he _definitely_ wasn’t embarrassed to lurch forward to bury himself in Dan’s chest, using his warmth as comfort in this hard time. “I’m so scared,” Phil whispered into Dan’s chest. 

A pair of warm arms encircled his waist and clutched him tightly to Dan’s body, almost like a shield. Phil felt protected just from the embrace, like nothing bad in the world could hurt him. “I know,” Dan whispered. “But you don’t have to do it alone. I’ll be by your side through it all.”

“Thank you,” Phil choked out. He suddenly couldn’t breathe, his throat all clogged up with cotton wool, tears leaking from his eyes. “I’m worried about if I see him. What would I do? I don’t… I don’t think I can see him again without having a meltdown again.”

“He can’t hurt you anymore,” Dan said protectively, tightening his arms even more around Phil’s waist. “You have a restraining order and you have me. I’ll punch him if he even steps within twenty feet of you.”

Phil barked out a laugh, one thick with tears and worry. “But you won’t be there the whole time I’m on campus. What if I see him during one of the times you can’t be there?”

Dan kissed the top of Phil’s head and rubbed the small of his back. “Then Louise and I will form our own mafia and skin him alive,” he joked, before turning serious. “For real, though. I won’t let anything happen to you. It he gets close to you then call the police. You can’t stop living your life in fear of him, you can’t let him control you. You’re stronger than him, you’re _better_ than him, and you have wonderful friends who will beat his ass if he even tries to come close to you.” Dan reached up and grabbed Phil’s face in his hands, gently forcing Phil’s face up to make eye contact. He smiled warmly. “Seriously. I won’t let anything bad happen to you.”

There weren’t a lot of things that Phil believed in anymore. He didn’t believe in Santa Claus. He didn’t believe that each person only fell in love once. He didn’t believe that people deserved to go through the shit that he went through with Nico. 

But for some reason, he found himself believing that he would be safe, that he could go back to school and steer clear from Nico. WIth Dan and Louise and all of his other friends sticking by his side, Phil felt like he could do anything in the world. 


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hallo I'm uploading early because I'm going to chicago and won't have time to upload on saturday! so surprise update! The lyrics at the top are from Deep Sea Diver by Darwin Deez (rly recommend listening to this song as you read!). Thank you, snowbunnylester, for editing for me (:

_You and I are sitting on the ocean floor. You were tired of swimming and you're so bored. Little yellow fish float past your sullen face. Shouldn't you smile once in a while_?

-

After Phil’s conversation with Dan, he felt a lot more confident about his decision to go back to school. It was going to be rough, that was definitely for sure, but there was no longer that unsettling feeling of dread sitting in the pit of Phil’s stomach at all hours of the day. 

Of course, Phil was definitely worried. He worried a lot. He worried about going back to school and getting in the swing of things. He worried about his friends and _making_ friends in his classes. He worried about the course load and if he could handle the homework on top of his shitty mental health. 

He worried about Nico. 

Nico was the one thing that Phil was the most concerned about, and he didn’t think that would go away any time soon. There was a looming fear inside of him that screamed in his face, spiting him, telling him that as soon as he stepped outside of the flat, Nico was going to appear and make things worse for Phil again. He was going to control Phil’s life, tell him that he was a whore, that he couldn’t believe how quickly Phil had gotten over him. Despite the fact that Phil wasn’t over Nico and didn’t think he ever would be. 

The scars were still there and they didn’t fade. They pricked at his skin, little invisible lines that had blended in so well that one almost couldn’t tell just from first sight. But if you looked closer, maybe squinted a little, you could see the cracks and the blemishes that Phil was trying his damnedest to patch up. You could see the scar on his neck from where a knife had once pressed too hard a, tiny healed scratch on his cheek where a nail had only just grazed. They were small, but they were there, hiding just under his skin in the form of anxiety attacks and low self esteem. 

He was working on it, but there was only so much he could do to repair something that had been broken so much. It would take years to glue together, to get back to a place where Nico didn’t constantly haunt Phil’s thoughts. 

So he was getting there, yes, but he still couldn’t step outside without feeling like he was about to encounter something horribly wrong. 

He relayed this in therapy, slouched in the chair, pulling his legs up to cradle them to his chest. He liked to sit like this, as though it would protect him from his therapist’s words, made him feel just a tad safer. 

Therapy was hard, as hard as always. Nate took him through some deep breathing exercises, talked to him about letting go of his bad emotions one at a time with each exhale. He read Phil an excerpt to a relaxation exercise that made Phil feel at peace with nature and with himself. He couldn’t help yawning, suddenly feeling tired, relaxed, which he supposed was the whole point of the exercise in the first place. 

He could feel the tension flow out of his shoulders, the tendons in his shoulders loosening and making his chest feel just a little less tight. He let the words take over him, let them soothe his soul, until he was just a being floating in fluffy nothingness and there was no stress, no fears. Just words, just imagery.

After they finished the relaxation exercises, Nate asked Phil questions about his week, wondering how he’d been and what he’d been up to. His voice was calm and didn’t press, so different from every therapist that showed up on the television. Phil reckoned that’s what he liked about Nate the most - that he understood how hard talking about things were and he let Phil know that he could talk whenever he was comfortable. 

Truth be told, that was what made Phil open up a lot more about his emotions. The feeling of being free to speak whenever he felt comfortable, without being forced or judged… that meant the world to Phil. Sure, that was literally Nate’s _job_ , but Phil had heard the horror stories, heard about those therapists who pressed and pressed until their client broke, exploded into a million pieces, scarred from mental health counseling completely. 

Phil was one lucky guy for meeting such a good therapist as Nate was on his very first try. He didn’t want to even think about what would have happened to him if he hadn’t gained such a good support system such as this. Would he and Dan even still be friends anymore? Would he just be an angry bundle of irritation and sadness still? Would he still throw up whenever he smelled a cologne similar to Nico’s? 

The answer was _probably._ If he hadn’t blown up on Dan the way he had, he never would have realised the impacts of his actions, would have healed at a much slower rate. He would still be using self destructive coping mechanisms and using Dan as a towel to suck up all of his negative feelings. 

They would have both been broken beyond repair by now. 

But that wasn’t what he was talking about with Nate right now. No, he was actually excited for once, practically vibrating with excitement as he began to tell Nate about his week. He went to work, showed up early every day. He made some banana bread with Dan, had a hummus and pita party with Ledjon, Charlie, Dan, and Jane. 

And of course, “I decided to go back to school next term.”

Nate sat back and clapped his hands, his eyebrows raising in surprise. Then he leaned forward, clasped his hands together and smiled brightly at Phil. “That’s great! Looks like we’re making improvements, and that’s fantastic. What made you think about going back all of a sudden?”

Those words were an echo of Dan’s own, which made Phil chuckle and repeat the words that he had said to Dan: he was bored, he wanted more out of life, he couldn’t just sit around on his ass and do nothing anymore. 

Nate had been giving enthusiastic answers and nods up until Phil finished speaking. Only then did he hum and look at the ceiling, crossing one leg over the other. 

“Okay so you wanna go back to school. I support that and I think that’s awesome of you. It’ll help get you out of the house, help you get new friends, help you get a better job in the long run. So I guess here’s my question for you.” Nate paused and looked at Phil. Phil nodded, already knowing what he was going to say. “Do you think it’ll make your mental health decline with the added stress? And what will you do if you see He Who Shall Not Be Named?”

Phil laughed and cocked his eyebrow. “Voldemort?”

Nate’s head snapped over to look at him as he shushed him loudly. He glanced around, as though he were scared. “I said he can’t be named, Phil! Follow the rules!”

“Okay, okay,” Phil chuckled, running a hand through his hair. He felt his phone vibrate a couple of times in his pocket, probably spam texting from either Ledjon or Charlie, because they were both a fan of doing that. “I actually had a talk about this with Dan the other day and he asked me the same questions.”

“Oh really? He’s more of a therapist than I am, I should get him a job here.” Phil gave Nate an unimpressed look. Nate grinned. “Seriously though, what’d he say? Maybe he should be your therapist now instead.”

Phil sighed and tried to think back on what had been said between he and Dan. The thing was that he liked therapy for the most part, because he liked to get things off of his chest that he otherwise couldn’t, and he liked to learn coping skills, but he was pretty shit at forming coherent thoughts and calling back memories that had happened. Remembering conversations was never his strong suit because they always seemed to disappear as soon as the conversation was finished. Phil should really stop being like that. 

“He said that he’ll be there for me and he’ll help me through it if I come across Nico. It’s going to be hard as hell, but I think that this is what I need right now. If I don’t do something with myself soon then I just feel useless all the time, and like I have no place in this world.” Phil sighed and looked away from Nate. “I hate that Nico took away all of the good traits from me. He took away the things that used to make me happy, took away my self esteem and my entire _personality_. You and Dan are helping me get it back as best as you can, but I… I think I need _more_. I can’t live like this, Nate. I can’t be happy like this.”

Nate hummed, and when Phil looked back at him, there was a soft, proud smile on his face. 

“Spoken like a true adult,” Nate told him warmly. “I have to be honest with you, Phil. I’ve seen a lot of people during my job. A lot of good, a lot of bad. But I have hardly seen people take their own initiative and be motivated enough to actually want to better their lives after going through something you had. A lot of people give up. At one point, I think you did too. But it takes a strong person to pick themselves up from rock bottom, look at their life, and say ‘hey! Maybe this isn’t so great after all.’ I don’t think you give yourself nearly enough credit when it’s deserved.”

Phil wasn’t tearing up. Of course he wasn’t, that would just be plain dumb of him. He just had a little bit of allergies hitting him suddenly which made his eyes well up and his nose start to sniffle suddenly. 

“I’ve been trying so hard,” Phil got out in a thick tone. He wiped the allergy tears from his eyes and looked at his lap. “I’ve noticed that when I get better, Dan gets better too. And I want him to have all the best things in life, so I’ve been trying not to be too much of a burden on him. I was far too dependent on him - I _still_ am - but I’m working on it. I just want him to have all the good things in life, you know? And if I get up and do something with myself, maybe that’ll make Dan feel better as well seeing his best friend achieving something for once.”

“You’ve mentioned that before. Has Dan’s mental health seemed a lot more stable recently?”

Phil nodded and then shrugged. “For the most part. There’s still those days where he gets too stressed and upset about tiny things, but I think everyone has those days. He definitely seems like he’s not as scared to tiptoe around me anymore. We…” Phil paused, not really sure how to put his thoughts into words. He had a lot of emotions when it came to Dan, and not all of them made a lot of sense. “We’ve definitely gotten closer, I suppose. He helps me with my problems and I help him with his. We support each other now rather than him just supporting me. It feels a lot healthier than it used to feel.”

Nate nodded and jotted something down on his notepad. There was a light smile on his face. There always was when Dan came up in conversation. Phil knew that Nate liked Dan, just from what he heard about him, and he didn’t blame him. Phil adored the guy as well. He was his best friend, the person who made Phil take that extra step to get better. He was the person who made Phil look forward to waking up every morning. 

And it wasn’t entirely unhealthy anymore either. Sure, they were still dependent on one another, but Phil had been branching out with his friend group more as well. He confided in Ledjon and Charlie and Jane. Dan had Louise and his mysterious friend PJ that Phil had only met once. They hang out with people that aren’t each other and they have fun. Sure, Phil would rather spend time with Dan all the time, but that was because Dan was his best friend, so of course that was the case. 

That was not the only thing that had changed though. Dan had been able to come to Phil with any of his emotions, good or bad, recently. Phil would help him the best that he could . If Dan couldn’t deal with Phil’s own mental health problems at the moment, he would quietly inform Phil that he was not in a good head space and that he wouldn’t be able to give good advice. 

Dan had also been extremely understanding of Phil’s triggers. They sat down at one point and even had a discussion about them; about what made Phil’s panic attacks flare and, what Dan could do to help. They were pretty easy to avoid for the most part. Sweet peas (in any form), knives, claustrophobia. Hell, even _swimming pools_ were a trigger for Phil, as well as swim trunks and tank tops. Then there were the harder ones to catch, such as the smell of a certain cologne or the way a man’s jaw clenched when he was angry. 

They were difficult, but they were both prepared. Dan knew what to look out for, and Phil had full trust that he would be able to help him out as much as he possibly could. They were communicating with each other, rather than just letting their emotions boil up until it overflowed like a volcano. 

Phil told this to Nate in full detail, feeling proud of himself for all that he’d accomplished in these past seven months. He wasn’t completely better, but he was getting there, damn it! That had to account for something! 

“I feel like Dan is the one person in my life that I can always count on no matter what. He’s like the freakin’ sun, I swear. It doesn’t matter what we’re doing, he always lightens up the room with those dumb dimples and his horrible hyena laugh.” 

Nate chuckled and he raised his eyebrows high on his forehead. He smirked, leaning forward. “You and Dan seem to have gotten really close, you know. Is there something you’re not telling me?”

Phil laughed, surprised at the question. Where did that come from? “What! Like what?!”

Nate shrugged. His fingers tapped his pen on the clipboard as he surveyed Phil with a thoughtful gaze. “You’ve always been affectionate when talking about him with me, but it seems as though you’ve gotten _more_ affectionate since we last met. Did something change?”

Damn therapists. Phil decided that he actually hated therapy and that psychology was a bullshit science. Freaking mind readers. He shuffled uncomfortably and tried to chuckle, but it came out as a squeak. 

“Um? I don’t think so?” Nate gave him an unimpressed look. “Okay, okay. I’ve been feeling a bit weird towards him. Like my stomach clenches and I just wanna please him all the time. I talked to Ledjon about it and he says I’m in love with him, but that’s stupid because it’s only been like seven months since Nico and I broke up. That’s way too soon for me to feel anything like this again.”

Nate sucked his lip into his mouth and tsked. He set the clipboard to the side and leaned back in his chair, looking at the ceiling again. “So- okay,” he started. “The thing about emotions is that they’re all over the place, and they’re not always predictable. We can develop feelings at any time, and sometimes it doesn’t make sense. I think it’s perfectly normal for you to develop feelings for Dan after everything you two have been through together.”

And _god_ was Phil talking to Ledjon again? Why did everyone keep telling him the same things over and over? He couldn’t love Dan. He _couldn’t._ Phil felt panic raise in his chest, an overwhelming feeling in itself, doubled with dumb affection for his best friend. “I can’t love him, Nate.”

“Well, why not?”

 _Because I’m not capable of loving anyone_ , was what he wanted to say. “Because he deserves better than me,” was what actually came out. 

Nate stared at him, long and hard. Phil’s palms were sweating and his entire body was practically vibrating. God, he was such an idiot. He had feelings. He had _feelings for his best friend_. Holy shit. Holy _shit._

_Phil was in love with Dan._

Nate hadn’t even said anything, but Phil was already shaking his head, tapping his feet and his hands and anything that he could fidget with. “No. No! I can’t, Nate. I can’t be in love with him. It’s too soon. I’m too fucked up. I’ll fucking _destroy him._ ”

“Take some deep breaths, Phil,” Nate said calmly, his voice soft and full of feeling. “Everything is going to be okay. Breathe in, and out. In, and out. Nobody here is attacking you. We’re just trying to sort out your emotions so we can better understand them, yeah? It doesn’t mean you have to act on them in any way.” Nate paused while they both took some deep breaths. Phil tried to calm the racing of his heart and he shut his eyes, listening to his own breathing. 

“Great, good job. Now listen to me. Are you listening?” 

Phil nodded. 

“I think it is absolutely wonderful that you love Dan. It’s a great thing. Dan is supportive and a good friend, and you two have been through a lot together. He knows what you’re going through, and he’s never tried to take advantage of that. And you, Phil, you are getting _better_. You’re working on it. You may slip up, yes, but you and Dan are strong and I don’t think this is a friendship that can be screwed up so easily.” Nate paused again and cocked his head, looking right at Phil. It was intense and Phil squirmed a bit under the gaze. “You know what I think?” 

“What?” Phil asked, suddenly very tired. He wanted to go home and bury himself under the covers and just nap for fourteen hours straight. He was tired of therapy, tired of talking about his feelings. He just wanted to _rest_.

“I think you need to let Dan make his own decisions on whether he wants to be with you or not.”


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for this chapter are angsty things! The lyrics at the beginning are from the song All Them Changes by Thundercats! Thank you everyone who reads this fic i love you all very dearly!

_Nobody move, there's blood on the floor and I can't find my heart. Where did it go? Did I leave it in the cold? So please give it back, 'cause it's not yours to take_.

-

Phil had been thinking a lot about Dan. 

He’d been thinking about his damn feelings and what that meant for him. He’d been thinking about if he’d want to _be_ with Dan, the way that he’d been with Nico. Would he like to kiss Dan’s pretty pink lips until they turned a bright shade of red? Would he want to run his hands all over Dan’s body and see if his skin was as soft as it looked? Would he like to take Dan to bed and ruin him in more ways than one?

It was hard and it shouldn’t be. Things like this, _feelings,_ shouldn’t be this difficult. And yet Phil was torturing himself, gnawing at his lips until they turned red and raw, because he was a rubber band who’s elastic was worn thin, nearly about to snap. One side of him was screaming _yes_ , God he wanted to kiss Dan and hold his hand and call him his, but on the other hand, he was torn and beaten and absolutely terrified of breaking the person who meant the most to him. 

Nate had said to let Dan make his own decisions, but Phil couldn’t stop the anxiety from pooling in his chest at every waking moment and the impending doom he could feel looming over his head. He could feel it, could just _tell_ that there was a darkness inside of him, a feeling begging to be released. He didn’t know what to do about it or how to make it go away, but he knew he needed it to leave his thoughts _fast_ , before it consumed him completely. 

Although maybe allowing it to consume him would be rather nice, because then he didn’t have to face the fear, the rejection that was surely to come. He could imagine the rejection now, when Dan told him that he didn’t love him the same way as Phil loved him, and it hurt. _Bad._ Phil didn’t want to hurt, didn’t know if he could _take_ that much more. So maybe it would be better for him to bury it, to never let his feelings see the light of day. 

The comfort of consumption was becoming more and more welcoming by the minute. How disappointed Nate would be if he could see how Phil avoided the issue so well. How he stuffed in his feelings like a turkey during the massacre called Thanksgiving; he shoved his feelings right up his ass. 

He just couldn’t help but feel like he was all over the place. He wanted Dan, wanted him so badly, but he didn’t think he was good enough for Dan, didn’t think that he deserved someone as amazing and loyal as his best friend. Besides, what if Dan rejected him? What if he got freaked out and thought that Phil was just using him because he wanted to take away the pain of Nico? Phil had done that with people before with Ledjon, with Jace. He wasn’t exactly innocent and he could completely see why Dan would think he was just using him as a coping mechanism. 

Hell, even _Phil_ was worried about that. Were his feelings fake? Did he only think he loved Dan because Dan had showed him an ounce of kindness? Was he going to get bored of Dan, chew him up, and spit him out like Nico had done to Phil? 

Phil didn’t know. He didn’t want that. He didn’t ever want to hurt Dan.

But then again, if he was thinking that he didn’t want to hurt Dan, didn’t that mean he was aware of what he was capable of and that he didn’t intend to do that to him at all? Didn’t that mean that his feelings were real, were _valid_? He’d been getting better at communicating, especially with Dan. Dan knew who he was better than he knew himself. He knew all about Phil’s quirks and his mistakes, and he let Phil _know_ when he disagreed with something he did . They had conversations, real conversations, where they talk about the things they were afraid of, and they helped each other get through the tough stuff. 

They ended up having a conversation at two in the morning where Phil asked Dan why he hadn’t restricted Phil from seeing Nico when he knew the type of person that Nico was. He asked why Dan had left the day that Nico had slapped him, knowing full well that Nico had the power to harm.

Dan was quiet for a very long moment before replying. Their hands were entwined and it was dark in the room. It was one of those nights where Phil had asked for Dan’s company while he slept because his depression was suffocating him and he didn’t quite know how to deal with it otherwise. Dan’s company was like a warm hug, not necessarily chasing away all of Phil’s bad thoughts, but definitely making them easier to deal with. 

When he replied, his voice was soft like honey, and Phil allowed himself to get lost to it. He closed his eyes, listened to the words, drowned himself in the feel of darkness and Dan surrounding him. 

“I didn’t want to leave,” Dan admitted. His grip on Phil tightened only slightly, as though he were afraid to let go. “The thought of leaving you there with him made me sick to my stomach. But I also knew that if I restricted you from seeing Nico, you would lash out at me. You wouldn’t have understood. I couldn’t just tell you how to live your life, no matter how badly I wanted to tell you to just leave his sorry ass. I couldn’t do that. So instead, I stayed and watched out for you the best that I could.” Dan laughed, softly and humorlessly. “Looking back on it now, maybe I _should_ have pushed you a little harder, told you to just dump him and move on. I should have called the cops right after I saw him slap you. But I was scared and I didn’t want to lose you, so I kept my mouth shut. I was selfish.”

For a minute, the only noise between them was the soft sound of their breath. Phil’s kept catching in his throat. Dan’s was slightly sped up, as though he was nervous. Phil rolled over and cuddled into Dan’s side, put his leg around Dan’s legs, and effectively pinned him there. Dan smelled like warmth. 

“I think you’re right though,” Phil admitted. His voice was muffled by Dan’s chest, but he made no attempt to better it. “If you had kept pushing me, I would have fought back. When I was with Nico, I didn’t think he was doing anything wrong. It wasn’t until months later, even months after I got my restraining order and I was still dealing with the aftereffects that I realised something was really wrong. I blamed myself for everything that Nico had done. So I think that if you tried to tell me that Nico was horrible and that I needed to leave him, I would have immediately counteracted and told you to go fuck yourself or something.” The truth hurt, but that was it: the truth. Phil didn’t want to hide anything from Dan. He wanted to be open and honest about his experiences. Even the bad stuff. 

“So when you say you could have done better, I disagree. I don’t think there’s anything that _anyone_ could have done when I was that far gone. You’ve done all that you can and even the fact that you stayed by me, even through all of my bullshit… that means the world to me.”

Dan sniffled and it was then that Phil realized that Dan was crying, only a little bit. He hugged himself closer to Dan’s side and reached up blindly, finding wetness on Dan’s face. He traced the tears away slowly, hating that he’d made Dan cry again. “Thank you,” Dan whispered into the darkness. “I’ve been beating myself up a lot over it. I’ve been wondering if I could have done _more_ , if I could have been a better friend and just stayed even when you wanted me to leave. You just mean a lot to me, and I hate when you hurt. It makes me hurt.”

“The past is in the past,” Phil told him, the weight of their words making his chest cave in. He felt both heavy and light at the same time, and he didn’t know how that could be. “We can’t change what happened, but we can change what’s _going_ to happen. And we _have_. We’re doing this together now. We’ve made a lot of mistakes, but we’re not perfect. We’re going to make a lot more mistakes. But the point is that we’re getting there, we’re trying, and we’re doing better. Considering everything that went on, I’d say we’re doing pretty damn well.”

Dan chuckled wetly and buried his face into Phil’s hair. Phil didn’t care at all when his hair got a little wet with tears. “We are, aren’t we? Seven months ago we were pretty bad. Three months ago, we were still picking ourselves back up. Now, I feel like we’re finally getting somewhere. Not just you, but me as well. We’re amazing, huh?”

Phil laughed and held Dan a little tighter. His own throat was beginning to get thick with tears and he was beyond exhausted, but also feeling extremely lucky. It was like the heavens were trying to send Phil a message that he could have it better, that Dan could be his companion even through the tough stuff. They could communicate, and sure they would fight, but in the end, everything always turned out okay. Because Dan was Dan and Phil was Phil and they balanced each other out pretty well, if he was being honest. 

“Thank you for sticking by my side through all the bullshit,” Phil murmured quietly, closing his eyes and relaxing. The weight on his chest was slowly diminishing and he didn’t feel as guilty anymore. 

Dan smoothed his hair back and kissed the top of his head. “I wouldn’t change it for the world.”

They fell asleep like that, cuddled in the darkness. Their honest words were floating around them, dancing to their own tune, and it made the air feel lighter as well. 

Phil could breathe just a little easier like that. 

-

It was a Wednesday and it was raining. Phil was feeling quite yellow that day. Maybe it was because he wanted to be the sunshine when it wasn’t showing, or perhaps he just wanted to be an image of the sunflowers with rainwater dripping off of the petals like fresh tears. He was feeling quite soft, all pastels and colours of the sunset, and he wore a yellow shirt and white skinny jeans just because he could. 

When Dan forced him to go outside, he grabbed his light blue umbrella and put on his baby’s breath rain boots, and he probably looked like a walking Monet painting, but maybe that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. Maybe he liked being soft like the strokes of a paintbrush, carefully construing each petal with delicate hands. Maybe that was what healing felt like. 

They walked to the store, which was only a block away, and Dan complained about his hair getting wet and making him look like a wet dog. Phil didn’t understand how Dan was getting wet when he had his perfectly constructed black umbrella shielding him, but Dan claimed that it was raining sideways. Phil thought he was a batshit liar, but he kept that to himself and instead smiled as he watched the puddles splash beneath his feet. 

He liked the rain. He liked the soft noise of raindrops splattering to the concrete, how it dampened the world and made even the dullest blacks look vibrant against the gray sky. He liked how it could reflect one’s own feelings in many ways, from being melancholy to stormy to just plain calm. There were so many feelings in a storm, and Phil loved being a pompous arse who thought about the metaphors in the storm and how when it thundered, God was bowling and just got a strike. Just like his mum used to tell him when he was younger. 

Dan huffed and cuddled into Phil’s side, bumping their umbrellas together. Phil didn’t mind, even though it made the rain begin to sneak onto his clothes. Dan was warm, and Phil liked the idea of sharing an umbrella with him, liked the sheer closeness of the action. Phil wasn’t as afraid to admit that to himself anymore, though he still didn’t know how to act on those feelings. 

“I’m so cold,” Dan muttered. “You suck at keeping me warm.”

Phil chuckled and rolled his eyes, sneaking his free arm around Dan’s waist to pull him closer. Dan ducked and rested his head on Phil’s shoulder, which was a bit awkward when they were walking, but neither of them seemed to mind. “I didn’t know it was my responsibility to keep you warm,” Phil replied softly. 

“I’m always your responsibility. You should know this by now.”

“In that case, we shouldn’t have come outside if all you’re going to do is complain about the weather. What are you- seventy years old?” 

Dan looked down at his chosen jumper of the day, which was literally an ugly dog jumper pulled straight off the shelf of a thrift shop, as they approached the grocery store. “I thought you’d know by now that I’m indeed seventy. I don’t exactly try to hide it.”

Phil snorted and shoved his elbow into Dan’s side. “You’re right. My mistake.” And then under his breath, “Granny Daniel.”

Dan made an offended noise and tickled Phil’s side, which only resulted in Phil squealing and collapsing into him more than was already possible. At this point, there was literally no reason for Dan’s umbrella because they were both shoved under Phil’s, their umbrellas bumping together and making gross scraping noises as the metal rubbed against the plastic. “Say that again to my face, Lester,” Dan said in a threatening tone. 

Phil raised his eyebrows and smirked up at Dan, opening his mouth to sass Dan some more, get him all riled up in the way that he would run his mouth for hours until Phil just wanted to push him against the wall and silence him with his own lips and tongue. Before he could formulate any words, though, he made eye contact with somebody over Dan’s shoulder and his blood ran black. 

A chill came over his body and it was like a ghost had just passed through him. He felt strangely disconnected, like he was experiencing this from a different realm. He could see Dan’s eyebrows furrow, see the way him mouth formed the words _are you okay?_ But he couldn’t hear anything, couldn’t really put together what was happening. 

All Phil could focus on was green. 

Green is the colour of the leaves, dripping with morning dew. It was the colour of perfectly rounded apples and the northern lights. Green was the colour of emeralds and jealousy and zen. And green was the colour of a pair of eyes that narrowed and shot Phil disapproving looks before telling him what a slut he was, how he was never going to find anybody who would love him. Those same eyes would narrow as sweet pea coloured lips told him that he was worthless and that he was just overreacting, lips forming apologies that he never meant. 

He was suddenly hyper aware of what he was wearing, of the exact positioning of his body. He could feel the material of his skinny jeans sticking to his skin, hardly any room for his legs to move because they were so tight. His shirt was a v-neck and showed off his collar bones, and his arm was wrapped around Dan’s waist. Only seven months ago, he was telling Nico how he didn’t have anything going on with Dan, and now here he was with his arm wrapped around Dan’s waist, looking like a proper couple as they cuddled under the same umbrella. 

Nico must think he’s such a slut, that Phil had _cheated_ on him. 

Phil clenched his teeth shut and closed his eyes, taking some deep breaths. When he opened them, he forced his eyes away from the familiar figure across the street, huddled close to a boy under an umbrella, and Phil reckoned that that was what he and Dan looked like right then as well. He focused on Dan, on his soft face, on his warm chocolate eyes and peony pink lips that didn’t resemble sweet pea petals at all.

Dan’s hand came up to cradle Phil’s cheek, forcing them to make eye contact, and he was there. _He was there._ Nico wasn’t going to hurt him. “Don’t look at him. Keep your eyes on me.” His voice was firm. There was no room for argument. “Are your eyes on me?”

Phil nodded. His eyes were on Dan. On his eyes, on the freckles dotted across pale cheeks. On his slightly cracked lips that somehow still looked soft despite the nervous split down the middle. Once he looked, Phil couldn’t take his gaze away. Nico _whomst_?

“Good,” Dan murmured, and his hand was now caressing Phil’s cheek completely. They were stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, drawing angry comments, but Phil couldn’t hear them. All he could hear was his heart pounding through his ears and Dan’s soft, soothing voice. “I’m here. He’s not going to hurt you anymore. I’m here for you. Do you understand?” 

Without meaning to, his eyes flickered over Dan’s shoulder to where Nico was standing. From across the street, he could see Nico’s gaze on them, dark, his expression unreadable. The boy on his arm was saying something, and _fuck_ , Phil hadn’t even noticed because of his panic, but the boy looked kind of like _him_ and Phil wasn’t okay. 

He had dropped the umbrella and the rain was pounding onto their heads, but they both didn’t seem to mind. Dan’s hair was beginning to get soaked, the curls dripping, water clinging to his eyelashes. Dan looked so beautiful like this and they looked like a couple. A real, actual couple. 

Suddenly, Phil was overcome with emotion. It clogged his pours, it made his throat clog up, and he couldn’t hold it in anymore. He wanted to reach out, grab Dan’s face, to bring him down into a kiss under the pouring rain. He wanted to feel the heat of Dan’s lips against his cold ones, wanted to feel his skin against his. He wanted to feel empowered as he kissed another man that he _loved_ in front of his abusive ex boyfriend, as a way to show him that Phil _hadn’t_ given up, and he was in love and he was starting to feel what happiness was supposed to be like. 

With that in mind, Phil brushed one of Dan’s curls out of his face, tangling his fingers in the dampness of Dan’s hair. His voice was a mere whisper, lips hardly moving at all as he whispered, “kiss me,” in a pleading voice. 

Dan cocked his head to the side and completely froze. Phil froze along with him, realising the implications behind his words. He was one hundred percent aware that this could ruin their friendship, that Dan could turn away in disgust, and yet he’d asked Dan to kiss him _anyways._ How stupid was he? 

But then Dan responded. He said, “okay,” and Phil didn’t have time to react as he leant forward and planted a soft kiss to Phil’s forehead. His lips were warm in the cool rain, but it wasn’t exactly what Phil had been going for. 

The action, although adorable, was the kind of platonic affection that Phil hadn’t wanted for once. He wanted Dan to _actually_ kiss him; full on the lips and all. “No,” Phil said, more firmly. His heart was beating out of his goddamn chest. “Like, for real. _Kiss me._ ”

It was then that it clicked for Dan, his eyes widening and his mouth falling agape with surprise. He seemed a bit all over the place, losing the composer that he so easily held whenever he was around Phil, and it was strange. Phil wanted to look over his shoulder, see if Nico was watching this, but he didn’t. For once, he didn’t care what Nico thought. He cared about what _Dan_ thought, what _Dan_ wanted, and if he was going to accept Phil’s proposition or turn him away. 

For a fraction of a second, Dan leaned closer into Phil, and Phil’s eyelids fluttered in reaction as he prepared for the most anticipated kiss of his entire damn life. 

Except, it didn’t come. 

Because slowly, Dan detached Phil’s fingers from his hair. His hand held Phil’s softly, squeezing slightly, and then letting go. He smiled, the saddest smile that Phil’s ever seen, and Phil could already see where this was headed. His hopes crashed to the floor and his eyes stung as Dan shook his head minutely. “We can’t, Phil,” Dan whispered, like he was telling Phil a secret. Like he didn’t want to be seen in public with him. “Not right now. Not because of Nico.”

He wasn’t even _touching_ Phil anymore, as if the thought of doing so was so disgusting that he couldn’t even _touch._ Phil was being rejected. He could feel himself shut down as soon as the words were out of Dan’s mouth. His jaw clenched tight and his gaze snapped to the ground, embarrassment and emptiness flowing through his body. 

How could he have been so stupid? How could he have thought that Dan actually _loved him back_? This wasn’t some stupid fairy tale. This was real life and Dan had his own feelings and in reality, this would have never worked. Phil had been naīve. And Nico had been right. 

How could anybody love Phil when he was so utterly fucked up? 

Without looking at Dan, Phil stepped away from his best friend. He felt like he was treading a thin line and the line kept getting thinner and thinner. He was waiting for the moment when it finally snapped under the pressure, when Dan would leave for real, when he would get tired of Phil’s shit once and for all. He laughed shakily, picking up his umbrella that he’d dropped. He didn’t put it over his head, just kept it hanging loosely at his side. “My bad,” Phil said shakily, trying to be nonchalant. It didn’t work. There were tears in his voice and in his eyes and he was shaking so hard that he was completely numb. “I forgot to consider what you’re feelings were. That was out of line.” He took a couple of steps back, eyes on Dan’s shoes. 

“Wait, Phil-.”

Phil shook his head and backed up more. His face crumbled and he let out a sob, which was childish and unnecessary. He wasn’t mad at Dan. He didn’t blame Dan for not returning his feelings. He just needed some time away, needed to grieve by himself. Then maybe, just maybe, once he whipped himself back into shape, Dan could forgive him and they could forget this had ever happened. “No, I- I’m sorry,” Phil whimpered, reaching up to cover his face with his hands. He pressed his fingers into his eyes, tried to stop the heavy tears from flowing. It didn’t work. “I need- I need to go. I’ll see you later.”

“Phil-!” Dan called out as Phil turned and began to walk away in the direction of their flat. He hurried after Phil, grabbed his wrist, tried to make Phil listen. But Phil didn’t _want_ to listen right now. He wanted to curl into a ball and try to forget that he’d been so stupid as to think someone as amazing as Dan could _love_ him. 

“Please, Dan,” Phil begged, rounding on him. He finally took a look into those eyes, saw the redness surrounding them, the worry, and his own face softened. He curled his hand around Dan’s hand, squeezing lightly before letting him go. “Just let me have some alone time, okay? I need to think.” He fumbled up a smile that was more of a grimace, and Dan could do nothing but nod numbly, in shock, as Phil stumbled away, half blinded from rain and his tears. 

He lost a little bit of himself on the way home, but tried to remind himself of how far he’s come, tried to tell himself that he shouldn’t be this upset over a _boy_ , but it was hard. It was hard when it was Dan, when Phil was finally feeling some real emotion after the worst seven months of his life. 

When he got to their flat, he was full on sobbing and Dan had gotten lost in the crowd behind him. He didn’t lock the front door because he wanted Dan to have a way inside, but he _did_ lock his bedroom door in order to keep his sanity confined in his room. 

He face planted on his bed, letting out a loud wail, knowing that he was being dramatic as hell, but he didn't give a fuck. He was hurting and he learned long ago that hiding his feelings only resulted in more pain and more suffering. 

But _fuck_ this hurt like hell, and Phil could feel himself sinking slowly deeper into darkness once again. Maybe he could pull himself out a little bit later, but for now he let himself embrace every single dark feeling, surrounding himself with it until he was suffocating. 

This time, the suffocation felt a little less unwelcoming. 


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everybody who leaves comments and stuff! It really makes my day :D finally the fluff you've been waiting for hehehe. The song at the beginning is called A Lovely Mess by Front Porch Step!

_I’m not those men that made you cry, and I promise I will spend my life just trying to make you feel alive. ‘Cause you are broken and I am such a wreck. I swear I’ll love you til dead_. 

-

Phil’s eyes fluttered open to the sight of sunshine leaking in through his closed eyelids. His cheek hurt and he could tell that his eyes were swollen, his arm asleep from where he was lying on it, and it was then that he realised that he was on the floor. How he went from the bed to the floor was beside him, but he didn’t question it and instead focused on the complete and utter embarrassment that coursed through his body as he remembered exactly what had happened yesterday. 

He’d tried to get Dan to kiss him and Dan had flat out rejected him. Which is _fine_ , honestly, Phil didn’t expect Dan to return his feelings just because he was there for Phil when nobody else was. Phil wasn’t entitled to him, didn’t have dibs on him, but it still _hurt_. It hurt because Phil’s feelings were real. He wanted to kiss Dan. He wanted to hold his hands and cuddle him and push his fingers through Dan’s hair. 

He wanted to give Dan his entire heart and tell him just how much he meant to him.

Except he couldn’t, because Dan didn’t want that. Phil would much rather have Dan in his life as a friend than to lose him forever, but his chest still felt empty and his limbs were tired and his _heart_ was tired, and maybe he should just go back to sleep. 

But he was concerned. Concerned about Dan and how he was holding up after Phil just ran away like that. After getting some sleep, Phil’s mind was a bit more clear and he could recognise that Dan was probably tearing himself up inside with worry about Phil’s well-being. He respected Phil’s privacy, which was wonderful, but he was undoubtedly concerned as hell at the same time. 

Phil sighed and sat up, wiping his face off with his sleeve. His eyelashes were crusted together and there was drool on the side of his mouth. It was disgusting. _He_ felt disgusting, and he knew that he looked the part. His skin was probably pale, there was the imprint of carpet on his face, and he felt like a truck ran him over approximately fifty times. 

But he needed to do this. He needed to find Dan and tell him that he’s sorry, that he understands and he’s not upset. He wanted to tell Dan that he doesn’t care if Dan doesn’t return his feelings as long as he keeps being Phil’s friend, because that was the most important thing to Phil. Their friendship. 

Their beautiful friendship where they supported each other through hard times. Where they communicated about their problems as soon as an issue arose. Where they could cuddle and watch Buffy all day just because they were in the mood for some physical contact. 

This friendship meant the world to Phil. _Dan_ meant the world to Phil. Fuck Phil’s feelings. He would bury them down and hide them until he couldn’t feel anything but platonic love anymore. He could do that. Anything for Dan. 

With shaky, tired limbs, Phil stood. The world turned upside down for a moment as he tried to gather his eyesight, and it didn’t quite right again until he reached the door. Slowly, he reached for the door handle. Twisted. Cracked it open. The screech of the door as it opened made Phil’s ears ring and he held his breath, half of him hoping Dan would hear and half of him hoping he _wouldn’t._

Needless to say, he didn’t actually have to worry about that at all. Because Dan was right there, curled up in a ball right outside of Phil’s door. His head was rested in his knees and his legs were tucked to his chest. His head shot up as Phil opened the door and Phil could see the red tinge to them, like he’d been crying as well. 

His entire expression screamed relief as he regarded Phil, his face lighting up and his eyes widening just a little bit. He hesitated, unsure of how to react around Phil for a split second, before Phil’s lip was trembling and Dan was pulling him in for a hug. 

Phil melted into him, biting his lip to stop himself from letting out a shivering sob, but that was a lost cause as soon as Dan stroked a hand down his spine and squeezed him tight. Phil felt safe here, in his arms, and he loved him _so much_ that it hurt. His chest felt so hot that it ached and he wanted to scream at Dan, tell him just how much he meant to Phil, but he didn’t want to scare Dan off. 

But then his mind told him that this was _Dan._ Dan wouldn’t be scared off by something like that. He would want to know these things, would want Phil to be honest with him. They’ve been honest with each other about everything else, and Phil would rather hear Dan turn him down rather than allow his feelings to grow. Maybe they could squash them together. 

After a moment, Phil pulled away and held Dan at arms length. He tried to look Dan in the eye, but found that he couldn’t. Instead, he stared at the ground, at one of Dan’s socks that had a hole in it, his toe peeking out from it. 

“Dan, I need to talk to you,” Phil whispered, and Dan let out a breath like he was holding it. 

“I need to talk to you too,” Dan murmured back in a voice just as quiet. It seemed like he didn’t want to break the spell they’ve been put under, almost like he was afraid to break _Phil_. But Phil wouldn’t be broken again. He wanted to be strong this time. Both for Dan and for himself. 

Phil invited Dan into his room to sit on his bed. He figured that it was a lot more comfortable and relaxing than it would be to sit on the couch. A lot more familiar and homey, less intimidating. It was the space where they held hands and held _each other_ in the night, whispering amongst themselves to keep the ghosts from entering Phil’s head. It was where they’d spilled all of their secrets and trusted each other with their entire soul. 

Phil wanted that back. He wanted to be comfortable with Dan. He wanted to give his heart to Dan and let him do what he pleased with that information. He was ready, and god damn it, if Dan didn’t want that then at least he tried. 

He wouldn’t let rejection break him anymore. 

Phil buried himself under the covers and laid there, closing his eyes. He could feel Dan crawl in after him, but they didn’t touch and he didn’t know what was okay anymore so he stayed frozen. He couldn’t breathe. But then Dan moved, the bed dipped, and his hand was wounding around Phil’s wrist, and his touch was warm. It lit up all of the cold parts inside of Phil’s body and made him feel alive. 

He turned to his side and came face to face with Dan, so close that he could count the freckles on his face and make constellations out of the pretty marks. His eyes were warm like hot chocolate and they shone in the light through Phil’s blinds, turning a nice shade of honey. 

Phil’s eyes closed as Dan reached out and cupped his cheek, stroking his skin with his thumb. Phil could feel his breath fanning across his face and it was relaxing. “I don’t like it when you’re sad,” Dan whispered, pushing his hand lightly through Phil’s hair. 

Phil exhaled through his nose and his lips cracked up into a small smile. He opened his eyes and reached up to poke Dan in the dimple. “Back at you,” he murmured, loving the way Dan’s eyes crinkled when he grinned and how he seemed to liven up just a little bit more with the statement. Phil sighed. He had to say it. He couldn’t keep it in anymore. “Listen Dan,” he started. Dan froze, staring at Phil in alarm. He seemed like he was holding his breath. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable when I asked you to kiss me yesterday. I didn’t think about your feelings or how it would make you feel. I just-“ Phil pressed his lips together and rolled onto his back, away from Dan so he didn’t have to look into his face when he admitted his feelings. “When I saw Nico, I was really hyper aware of how much we looked like a couple. I mean, we _act_ like a couple, we hold hands and we cuddle. We shared an umbrella and snuggled into each other. So when I saw him, I had a moment where I was freaking out, knowing that he was thinking of how much of a slut I am.” Phil paused. The room was silent. Nobody was breathing. 

He closed his eyes, heart roaring in his ears. Was he really going to do this? Yes. He had to. He couldn’t keep this in anymore. “But then I thought about how iconic it would be, how powerful, if I kissed the man I love in front of my abuser who told me that nobody would ever love me again.”

Phil squeezed his eyes shut and prayed to any god that was listening that they would just bury him into the ground, that way he didn’t have to listen to Dan tell him that he didn’t love him. He didn’t regret saying the words, but he was terrified. So fucking terrified, because he didn’t think that he had ever done something this ballsy in his entire life before. 

“You…” Dan started, his voice breathy and filled with complete and utter disbelief. Phil could see stars from squeezing his eyes shut so tightly. “You love me?”

Without speaking, Phil nodded his head. There was nothing for him to say to that, nothing for him to explain. The words were all there and Dan could do with them what he wanted. Whether he chose to reciprocate or not was his own decision. 

Phil’s worried thoughts were cut off by a pair of warm arms wrapping around him, pulling him close. His breath stuttered in his throat and he couldn’t _breathe_. Not because he was sad, not because he was panicking, but because Dan _knew_ , and he was _hugging him still._ Dan buried his nose in Phil’s hair and sighed in contentment. “Can I be honest with you now?” Dan mumbled into Phil’s hair. Phil nodded once more and Dan pressed his lips to his head softly. “I’ve been in love with you since the day you first started serving me.”

Phil jerked his head up, effectively headbutting Dan’s chin. Dan cursed loudly and ducked his head, covering his mouth, eyes scrunched in pain. Despite that though, Phil was gaping at him in wonder and utter disbelief. 

Dan loved him? _Him_? The same Phil who was in a relationship with Nico and who had deep rooted trauma that kept him up at night? The same Phil who couldn’t look at a vase of flowers without having a freakout session? The same Phil who had self esteem issues and could hardly wear a tank top without feeling overexposed? 

How could Dan love somebody like him? 

“You… you love me?” Phil asked, his voice quiet. He was afraid that if he spoke any louder, he would destroy the calm surrounding them, that he would suddenly break the glass and wake up from this amazing dream he was having. He didn’t want to wake up. He kind of liked this dream, to be honest. Dan nodded and Phil was so high in the clouds that his heart was in his throat and it was hard for him to breathe. His eyes kept flickering to Dan’s lips; he couldn’t _help_ it. He wanted to lurch forward and kiss him, to taste him and see if he tasted like he looked. “Why?” 

Dan chuckled out a breathy laugh, shaking his head fondly. His cheeks were a slight rose colour and his eyes were bright. When he reached out to brush his fingers over Phil’s cheekbone, Phil nuzzled his face into his palm, slightly hiding his face into the touch. He could feel Dan’s thumb gently glide over his bottom lip, just feeling, and it was filled with so much care that Phil thought he was going to overflow. “You really don’t know what I think of you, do you?” Dan asked fondly. Phil stayed silent because there wasn’t much for him to say. He really _didn’t_ know. “I was a bit obsessed at first,” Dan admitted quietly, pushing his hand up to glide through Phil’s hair. “When I first saw you, I thought you were perfect. You were funny and you had the prettiest smile, the prettiest laugh. You made me feel like I was the only person in the restaurant who mattered. Even when I had been having a rough day, you could cheer me up with just that smile of yours. It’s what kept me going back. Over time I started to notice your quirks but they were just endearing to me. I love the way that you bite your lip when you think. The way you twist your hand awkwardly in your pocket when you don’t know how to stand. I like the way you ramble about animal facts at three in the morning and how you bake eight batches of cookies even though there’s no way in hell we can finish them all. We get along so well and I know that we have our moments where not everything is perfect, but we always communicate with each other and try to look out for each other no matter what the situation is, and that level of respect isn’t easy to find. I just, I love you Phil. All of you. Even your flaws and quirks. I don’t think there’s anything that would make me stop feeling like this.”

Phil didn’t know what to say, how fo feel, what to _do_ with himself. He was overwhelmed in the best possible way. He felt his eyes tearing up and cursed under his breath for doing so. He was such a fucking crybaby. “Why didn’t you tell me? If you’ve felt this way for so long?”

Dan frowned and hummed, looking down. He seemed vulnerable in a way that made Phil want to just wrap him up in a blanket and protect him from the world. He shuffled a little closer to Dan, entwining their legs together so that Phil was practically situated on top of Dan. He wanted to be as close as possible, and for once he actually had an excuse to do so. Because Dan wanted to be close to _him_ as well. “I was scared,” Dan admitted quietly. With his free hand, he picked up Phil’s hand and brought his fingers to his lips. Slowly, he pressed kisses to the tips of Phil’s fingers. Phil could feel the heat of Dan’s lips on his skin and he craved for them to be on his own instead, but he’d take whatever he could get at this point. “I would rather have you in my life as a best friend than risk losing you because my romantic feelings got in the way.”

Phil could understand that and relate. After all, he’d been going through the same exact thing with Dan, at war with himself over his own feelings. But one thing still wasn’t adding up for him, and he needed to know this for his own sake. “If you love me, then why did you reject me when I asked you to kiss me?”

A sharp inhale of breath. And then, sheepishly, “I wanted our first kiss to be because you _wanted_ to kiss me. Not because of Nico.”

Phil’s stomach sank and he sputtered, speechless. Dan had thought he’d only wanted to kiss Dan because Nico was there? While that may have been his motivating factor, he’d wanted to kiss Dan because Dan was, well, _Dan_. Not because Nico was there. Not because Phil wanted to make Nico jealous. But because he loved Dan so much that it _hurt_ and he couldn’t hold it in any longer. “What!” Phil whimpered out, shaking his head wildly. “No way! I wanted to kiss you because I couldn’t hold it in anymore. It felt like we were a couple, you know? Cuddling in the rain and walking down the street together. When I saw Nico, I thought about all of the times where he told me that nobody would love me if I left him and the thought of kissing you in front of my abuser felt so fucking _powerful_. I wanted to kiss you because I love you and I wanted to show him that he didn’t break me. I wanted to show him that I found someone ten times better than he ever was.” Phil sighed and ducked his head, resting his forehead on Dan’s chest. He grabbed Dan’s shirt and pulled him closer, breathing in the smell of Phil’s own raspberry shampoo thay Dan undoubtedly stole from him. “I didn’t mean to make you think I only wanted to kiss you because of Nico. I’ve actually been thinking about kissing you for a while now.”

Dan hummed and Phil could detect a smile in his tone as he spoke. “A while now? How long is ‘a while’?” 

Phil rolled his eyes and lightly hit Dan on the shoulder, hiding his face. He was embarrassed but so happy that there was no way he could possibly hold it back anymore. It was like everything was _finally maybe_ falling into place. “Like two months? Maybe more? Hard to say, if I’m being honest.” Phil huffed out an embarrassed laugh. “Maybe it was always in the back of my mind.”

“You don’t got shit on me,” Dan teased, scooting closer to Phil on the bed. While his voice was joking, his hands were soft as they reached for him, entwining their fingers together and pulling Phil’s palms away from his face. 

When their eyes met, Dan smiled. His eyes were so warm, so full of _light_ , and God, Phil loved him so much. He loved him so much that his chest hurt and his mind was swimming. He felt like he was trying to breathe underwater, except he couldn’t reach the surface and was slowly beginning to drown. However, it wasn’t a feeling of dread that filled him as Dan closed in on him, nuzzling Phil’s nose with his own. Instead of dread, he was filled with hope, with excitement, with every possible good feeling he could ever feel. 

One of Dan’s hands slid from Phil’s hand to rest on Phil’s waist. His shirt was riding up and Dan pulled the fabric down a little to cover his skin, but allowed his thumb to rest just under. He stroked his fingers along Phil’s waist. “Can I kiss you?” Dan breathed. 

Phil was shaking as he nodded, and then he stopped breathing completely as Dan closed the distance between them, pressing his lips lightly to Phil’s. 

There were no fireworks. There was nothing corny that happened like those stupid romance movies. Phil didn’t see his future with Dan flash before his eyes. 

What _did_ happen was that Phil felt safe, like he had finally come home. He was quivering, his entire _body_ was quivering, and Dan pulled away minutely to ask if he was okay, but didn’t get far before Phil was pulling him back in for another kiss. Kissing Dan felt like he was kissing his best friend. It felt like he was kissing someone who trusted him, and who he trusted in return. 

He was fucking terrified. But he was also so happy that he let out a sob, pulling Dan in further, seeking his touch and wounding his arms around Dan’s neck. 

This time when Dan pulled away, Phil let him and instead clung to him so tightly that nobody would be able to tear them apart. He cried into Dan’s neck, wetting his skin with tears, and Dan littered kisses to the side of his head because he _understood_. 

Phil didn’t feel like he had to kiss somebody to fill a void in his heart. He didn’t feel like he had to do things to make other people happy. He didn’t feel like he was trapped in his own skin, unable to get out. 

This time, he was kissing somebody because he wanted to. His feelings were real, very real, and they made his heart swell so much that it hurt. He was in love with someone who loved him in return, something he’d lost hope for. 

The cage he’d found himself in had opened and he was slowly reaching his hand out of his prison. He was terrified, yes, of course he was. But this time, there was somebody reaching out for him, ready to catch him if he fell too hard, ready to help him find himself once again. 

He still had a long road ahead of him, but at least there was one thing that was for sure: Phil was truly, undeniably free. 


	31. Chapter 31

_There's nothing that I want more than being yours and you being mine._

-

It was 10:59 in the morning and Phil was staring anxiously at his laptop. The mouse was hovering over the refresh button, ready to click as soon as the clock changed to 11. His heart was pounding in his chest and his hands were shaking, but there was an underlying excitement to his nervousness.

Dan was sitting beside him, his hand on Phil’s knee. He was rubbing circles into Phil’s skin with his thumb, his head resting on Phil’s shoulder, but they were both staring at the clock as though it was their lifeline.

The time changed, and Phil jumped. He refreshed the page, scrolled down, clicked into the little box on the computer. He typed in five different numbers as quickly as he possibly could. And then he was pressing submit, holding his breath, waiting for the screen to confirm his request. 

It refreshed once more, a message popping up on the screen, thanking Phil for registering for classes. He didn’t celebrate yet, his nervousness getting the best of him, so with his heart beating so hard that he could feel it all throughout his body, he clicked on the link to his schedule for next semester. Thankfully, his entire schedule showed up, and he let out a shaky breath, collapsing sideways onto Dan’s shoulder. 

Dan chuckled and wrapped his arm around Phil, drawing him closer into him. He kissed Phil’s head a few times in quick succession, his lips leaving behind warmth with each kiss. Phil made a contented noise and swung his legs over Dan’s lap, so that he was practically cradled against Dan’s chest. “I’m so proud of you,” Dan murmured, brushing his fingers over Phil’s face and lifting his chin up to give him a warm kiss on the lips. “You’re fucking amazing. We have to celebrate or something.”

Phil hummed and buried his face into Dan’s neck, just wanting to be as close to him as possible. He pursed his lips, pressing a small kiss to Dan’s collar bone, and nosed along his skin. It was relaxing like this, and Phil could feel his eyelids swooping after all of the excitement from scheduling classes. “Celebrate? Why? It’s not _that_ big of a deal. It’s just registering for school.”

Dan’s arms tightened around Phil and he snuggled impossibly closer to him. “But that’s the thing, it _is_ amazing. A half a year before, you were dropping out of school because you couldn’t imagine a future. But now? You’re ambitious, you want to do things with your life, you’re ready to work hard to achieve things. So I don’t want to hear any bullshit about how it’s not a big deal when it _is_.”

He was right, and Phil knew that. He knew that any accomplishment, no matter how small, was still just that - an accomplishment. If he got out of bed in the morning, that was an accomplishment. If he went the whole day without being triggered into a panic attack, that was an accomplishment. So if he registered for school then damn it, that was also an accomplishment. Phil’s cheeks were hurting from grinning so much, and hell, _that_ was an accomplishment too. 

“You really think this is worth celebrating?”

Dan snorted and pulled away from Phil to give him an unimpressed look. “Do I think it’s worth celebrating? Did you really ask me that question?”

Chuckling, Phil nodded his head. He could feel his cheeks growing redder by the minute, but that may just be a combination from all the affection Dan’s showing him, paired with his registration for classes. He wanted to hide his face, hide under his bed maybe, but he couldn’t because Dan’s arms were tightly around him, grounding him to the spot. He couldn’t exactly argue with that in the first place so he just accepted it. “Fine, fine,” Phil laughed. “But on one condition.”

Dan cocked his head and raised an eyebrow. Phil wished that he was as talented as Dan in that aspect, wished that he, too, could raise one eyebrow. “What?”

“Our celebration is you taking me out on a date.”

Dan hummed and pursed his lips, feigning thinking, but his eyes were shining and his face had brightened a thousand more shades. He leaned forward, hands tightly wrapped around Phil’s waist to keep him from falling, and nudged their noses together. When he spoke, his breath fanned across Phil’s face in a way that made him dizzy. “I can do that,” he murmured softly, voice raw and warm and so full of tenderness that Phil’s heart actually ached. 

That was why he couldn’t help himself from leaning down to kiss Dan hard on the lips. His body was filled with awe and excitement and he had no idea how to express it in a way other than this. Dan’s lips were always soft against his, always more than willing to give Phil exactly what he needed. Sometimes he was completely pliant, allowing Phil to mould their lips together in any way that he pleased, while sometimes he was the one who pressed forward a little more or held Phil’s head in place so that they could kiss just a little bit deeper. He never did anything that Phil didn’t want to do, and that was so incredibly important to Phil that he wanted to just scream it for the entire world to hear. Or maybe he just wanted to kiss Dan a little bit more.

Yeah, that sounded about right.

This was one of those times where Dan allowed Phil to take the lead for a moment, melting into his touch, before he gently reached out and held Phil’s cheeks in his palms, holding him still and pressing forward so that their noses were pretty damned smushed and it was hard to breathe. It wasn’t bad by any means, no. It was the _opposite_ of bad. In fact, Phil was starting to get a little too excited in his jeans and he knew that they’d have to stop soon or else they were both going to sprain a hip from screwing on the couch or something. 

Although they’d gone past holding hands (the big First Base™), they hadn’t gone so far as to have sex yet. Phil supposed they were trying to take it slow. As slow as possible, that is, when they had so many feelings for each other and had known each other for so long. At this point, Phil knew it was only a matter of days before they succumbed to the passionate lust, but for once he didn’t mind if they had sex or not. He was _enjoying_ himself, letting things come naturally. He wasn’t being forced to do something he didn’t want to just to prove his love. 

Dan was being patient with him and understood that when Phil’s hands started shaking while he had his hand around Dan’s cock, it didn’t have anything to do directly with him. Instead, he just kissed Phil’s eyelashes and suggested Phil take a bath with his favourite bath bomb. After that happened, Phil’s face would be the colour of cherries from embarrassment for the next three hours, but he still enjoyed it when Dan joined him during a bath, the bath bomb turning the water pink as Phil sat with his back to Dan’s chest and they talked about everything or nothing at all. In those instances, Dan would run his hands over Phil’s back, giving him a little massage, and Phil would sometimes fall asleep to the light touches and it was relaxed and nice and everything that Phil had ever wanted.

He compared their relationship a lot to his with Nico. It probably wasn’t a good thing, in all honesty, but Phil couldn’t help it. He debated the similarities between Dan and Nico and tried to understand why he’d settled for less when he could have had so much more. 

Whereas Dan was soft and tender, Nico was rough and uncaring. They were similar in their brown curly hair and light dusting of freckles, but Dan’s eyes were warm and brown while Nico’s were sharp emerald jewels, designed to cut. Phil had considered both of them his best friends at one point, yet Dan had a trust for Phil that nobody could tarnish, and Nico was jealous and controlling and tried to take over every aspect of Phil’s life. Nico was shorter than Dan, his muscles were more defined than Dan, he was more violent than Dan, more impulsive than Dan. Even from the beginning of their relationship, Nico had never treated Phil as well as Dan had been, and considering they’d only been dating for a couple of weeks, Phil thought that was quite the problem. 

Plus, Nico had been a cat person, while Dan was a dog person. Surely _that_ should have been a sign from the gods that Phil had been too stupid to consider.

Their date came exactly two days later. 

It was a Tuesday, which was a strange day for a date. Phil didn’t really understand when Dan had come home from classes and had immediately told Phil to get his ass up and get dressed. However, he did get the idea when Dan told him to dress up in _business casual_. 

What the fuck even did business casual _mean_? That wasn’t a real choice of fashion. That was just an excuse for someone to wear a nice jumper and jeans and call themselves _business casual_ because they were too scared to say they were just comfortable. 

Phil ended up throwing on a knitted light blue jumper that he had just gotten a few weeks ago with Dan, as well as his favourite pair of nice black jeans. He figured that was enough for “business casual”, so once he threw on his white shoes, he walked out to the hallway and found Dan already there. 

Wearing the same exact jumper, except in black. 

When Dan looked up, Phil let out an annoyed scoff. He put a hand on his cocked hip and berated Dan with a head shake. “Seriously?” 

Dan, confused, gave Phil an alarmed look. “What?”

Phil gestured to Dan’s torso with a disgusted hand. “One of us is going to have to change.”

It was then that Dan seemed to realise what was happening, and he started laughing so hard that his voice resembled an actual hyena. The sound made Phil start to laugh as well, and they continued to giggle as Dan stood and made his way over to Phil. He kissed Phil lightly, making Phil tingle from the tips of his toes all the way to his fingers. “Don’t change,” Dan whined, and he pouted against Phil’s lips, pulling Phil closer by his belt loops. “We can be that gross gay couple who wears matching outfits and holds hands over the table while we share a milkshake or something.”

“Is that the type of couple you want to be?” Phil mused, but he couldn’t help the way his heart stuttered in his chest and how his mind was whispering how _amazing_ that sounded. 

Dan shrugged, nuzzled their noses together in the way he liked to do, and then he was pulling away, smiling widely. “No,” he said simply, making Phil frown as he started to put on his shoes, making it clear that they were about to leave. “ _But_ I think you’re an exception.”

Phil’s laugh bubbled out of him like champagne, and he was flying, so high on amazement that Dan was _his_ and this was _real_ and everything lit him on fire in the most amazing way. “You can’t be so cheesy!” Phil complained, following Dan to the front door. “You know I’m lactose intolerant.”

“Well lucky for you, I’m lactose-free.” Dan added a wink to the comment, and Phil groaned, actually facepalming while Dan locked the door behind them. 

“I’m sick of your bullshit,” Phil told him with a disappointed voice. “I want a divorce.”

Dan shrugged and waved his hand like it wasn’t his problem at all. “Go ahead and try. I won’t sign the paperwork.” They began to walk down the stairs of their flat building, into the outside world, and Phil nearly forgot that they were going on a date as they banted. It was so freeing to joke around like this, like they were best friends and boyfriends and even an old married couple. Phil’s said it before and he’ll say it again, but Dan was like a character out of a rom-com, all perfect and sweet. It was disgusting, even to Phil, but he couldn’t help but bask in the glory of their relationship. Of course it wasn’t perfect, no relationship was, but it was damn near so far. 

God, Phil was gay. 

They ended up calling a cab, which made Phil a little bit suspicious of where they were actually going. First, business casual, and now a cab? What kind of slightly-fancy bullshit was this? Dan distracted him from his suspicions, though, as he put a hand on Phil’s leg and leaned closer to him to talk about how he had once gotten in trouble for giving some guy a handjob in the back of a cab before. 

“Is this you telling me that you want to give me a handjob in the back of this cab?” Phil asked in a serious tone.

Dan looked offended. “Are you saying you won’t let me give you a handjob right now?”

“I’m afraid I’m gonna have to turn you down there, bro,” Phil replied, which turned into another fight about how Phil had used _bro_ , of all things, rather than something endearing like _honey bunches_ or _sweetcakes_. Phil told Dan that he’d rather die than call him something like sweetcakes, which made Dan start to call Phil _buttercup_ , which was honestly terrible, and Phil decided to take back every good thing that he’d ever said about his relationship with Dan. Obviously it was a terrible relationship and he should have never started dating Dan in the first place if it was going to be like _this_. 

When they came to a stop in front of their destination, Phil raised his eyebrows. “Egg Harbour?” he read quizzically. “You’re taking me to a place called Egg Harbour for a date?”

Dan scoffed with offense and pushed Phil out of the vehicle, claiming that he can’t knock it until he tries it. 

They really were that gross gay couple, though, and Phil took full pride in that as he and Dan latched their hands together and refused to separate, even as they sat down. When they sat at their table, they sat on the same side instead of across from each other, just so that they could be close and huddle together. Phil was content with his thigh resting against Dan’s and their feet entwined together, and it wasn’t exactly the most perfect date spot, but Phil thought it was perfect just because it was with _Dan_. 

Egg Harbour was admittedly the cutest place that Phil had ever been to. It was decorated with a lot of chicken statues and portraits of eggs, and they had really adorable colourful ceramic mugs. When they ordered their food - a vegetable skillet and an omelet - the server brought them some breakfast rolls with berry preserves. Phil especially appreciated the server’s bowtie, which had little chickens on it. 

The upside was that Phil now understood what business casual attire meant. 

Phil ordered a mango banana smoothie to go along with his meal, and it was admittedly one of the best things that he had ever tasted. It was so good that he had to snatch it away from Dan multiple times, who kept trying to steal his drink. He always let Dan have a sip in the end though, just because Dan’s pouting face was so cute and Phil would probably sell his soul just to see Dan smile all the time.

Their food was absolutely wonderful as well. They ended up splitting their meals with each other because both of their meals were just so damn _good_ , and the eggs were cooked to actual perfection and the cheese melted in his mouth and everything was just so damn delicious that he knew they had to come back here again. 

Everything was calm. It wasn’t rushed, it wasn’t uncomfortable or forced. Phil felt like he was having a nice lunch with his best friend. His best friend that held his hand all throughout their meal because Dan was left handed and he was right handed so they could be _that couple_. For once, Phil didn’t feel like he was walking on eggshells, uncertain of every move and wondering if Dan would like him after this date. They were wearing their matching jumpers and joking around and sharing their food, and it was simple, but it was so _them_ that it hurt.

Halfway through, Phil realised that a date or a celebration or whatever the fuck this was didn’t need to be overcomplicated. It could be relaxed. They could wear _business casual_ and eat eggs during lunch time and hold hands while doing so. They could wear matching outfits and kiss each other on the cheek and Phil could laugh when Dan dropped a giant splotch of ketchup onto his jeans. 

It was probably one of the best dates that Phil had ever been on. It wasn’t the fact that they hadn’t gone anywhere extravagant or wild. It wasn’t that it was unique in any way. And that was why it was so _good_ , in all honesty. Phil felt like he could be himself, like he could be completely relaxed around Dan. Things were just so easy and Phil liked that. 

With Nico, Phil felt like he always had to impress or else Nico wouldn’t like him anymore. But it wasn’t like that with Dan at all. With Dan, Phil was already loved. He wasn’t trying to impress him at all. Dan had already seen Phil in all of his worst states, so he could truly and utterly be himself without an ounce of worry. 

It was strange, but it was good, and Phil knew he never wanted this to change. He wanted to keep having relaxed dates. He wanted to keep being himself. He wanted to keep wearing dumb matching jumpers with Dan. 

He wanted to enjoy the person he was dating, rather than stress about every little one of his actions. 

And he could. 


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Back at it again with another edition to SP 8) I've thankfully finished my midterms without dying, which is great news! Now I'm going to my parents' house, which is ironic considering the theme of today's chapter! Thank you for reading this fic and leaving such amazing comments. I love you all so much! The lyrics at the beginning are from the song I Found by Amber Run!

_I found love where it wasn't supposed to be: right in front of me_.

-

When Phil thought about meeting Dan’s parents, this hadn’t exactly been what he had in mind. He’d assumed that maybe they would have prior arrangements where Dan would lead Phil into a restaurant or something and introduce Phil as his parents sat smiling at the table. Maybe Dan’s parents would have to stand up to shake Phil’s hand and Phil would smile gleefully at them as he introduced himself. After that, they would have a nice dinner and Dan would cast little proud glances over at Phil as Phil chatted up Dan’s parents, effectively wooing them.

It did not go like that. Not at all.

No, instead, Phil had been in the shower when Dan’s parents randomly showed up at their flat. When Dan had knocked on the bathroom door before slowly cracking it open. The steam from the shower immediately began to leak out from the opening and Phil shivered as a breeze of cool air hit his skin. 

“Close the door and join me!” Phil whined, poking his head out from the shower curtain. He pouted at Dan, his hair dripping into his eyes, and the sight made Dan laugh. He watched with bright eyes as Dan quietly shut the door behind him, which was strange because normally he would have just left it open or allowed it to slam shut. But he did neither, seeming to brace the door shutting with his fingertips. 

With a small smile, Dan reached out and brushed his fingers through Phil’s wet hair, pushing it back. He gazed at Phil with such a tender look that it made Phil’s chest constrict, and then he was leaning forward and pressing a light kiss to Phil’s lips. “As much as I would love to join,” Dan murmured against his wet lips, “I don’t think that’s really possible right now.”

Phil hummed and frowned a little, peppering light kisses to Dan’s cheeks and making grabby hands at him, attempting to drag him into the shower fully clothed. Sadly, it didn’t work as Dan caught himself on the towel rack and swatted Phil away playfully. “Well why the heck are you in here then, if not to join your amazing boyfriend in a steamy shower?”

“Well you see,” Dan started, poking Phil’s cheek. His expression turned serious and he let out an awkward laugh. Phil immediately sobered up, cocking his eyebrow.

“Oh god, what did you _do_?” Phil asked in horror.

Dan glared at him, but there was no heat behind his look. He couldn’t look intimidating if he tried. “If you would just let me _finish_ , then you would know that I didn’t _do_ anything!” Dan exclaimed dramatically. He paused then, and Phil just gave him a long, hard look, which made Dan sigh in relief, throwing up his hands in defeat. “My parents showed up out of nowhere and they’re chilling in the lounge waiting for you to get out of the shower.” 

All at once, Phil’s heart seemed to stop and speed up at the exact same time. The water, which was so hot that it was turning his skin red, was suddenly cold against his back, and he could feel his eyes glaze over with panic. “Your parents!” Phil hissed, submerging his head under the shower head to scrub away the conditioner from his hair. “Why didn’t you tell me earlier!”

He couldn’t see Dan now, but he could imagine his pout as he said, “you were so cute, I couldn’t just leave you hanging.”

“Oh God, your parents are going to think we’re having a quickie!”

“No they won’t! They know you’re in the shower and have to get presentable.”

“So what? Your shirt is all wet from where I grabbed it. We _totally_ could have had a quickie by now.” Phil shut the water off and wrung his hair out, grabbing the towel from the rack and stepping out of the shower and onto the plush rug. He nearly bumped into Dan, who gingerly placed his hands on Phil’s bare hips and held him in place.

Phil paused as Dan tilted his head and looked him in the eyes, gaze intense but filled with fondness. The look froze Phil in place and made him feel warm all the way down to his toes. It didn’t matter that Dan was fully clothed and Phil was completely naked. Dan was simply looking at him, not judging him for his lack of dress. “Phil,” Dan murmured softly, nuzzling his nose against Phil’s in the way that he liked. Phil hummed and pursed his lips, waiting for Dan to kiss him. “I’m offended at the insinuation that I only last two minutes in bed.”

Laughing, Phil shoved Dan away, feeling some of the tension in his chest diminish. If Dan was so carefree and joking around with him despite Phil’s state of undress, then maybe his parents weren’t too terribly scary. “You realise that five minutes isn’t that much of a difference from two, right?”

“Hey, at least it’s _something_!”

Raising his eyebrows, Phil finished drying himself off and wrapped the towel around his waist. “Not enough to satisfy somebody,” Phil teased, pecking Dan on the cheek as he brushed past him and swung open the door. He trudged to his room, hearing Dan muttering under his breath, albeit with no toxicity at all. 

He honestly loved all of the teasing between he and Dan. It was just so _relaxed_ , so familiar. He loved how he could just be completely naked and still feel confident in front of a fully dressed Dan. It hadn’t been like that at first, that’s for sure. When Dan had first seen Phil naked, Phil hid his face behind his hands, in the sheets, in every possible shield that he could. It had made him so self conscious, like Dan was judging him even despite their similar stages of undress. 

The embarrassment of being naked in front of someone was definitely new for Phil. He had never had an issue with getting nude in front of strangers. But maybe it was just different because this was _Dan_ , and Phil wanted him to like what he saw. Dan’s opinion mattered because Phil cared about him _so fucking much_ that he didn’t know what to do with himself half of the time. 

The first time they were naked together, Phil hid his face and peaked between his fingers at Dan’s own nakedness. They stared at each other, not moving, until Dan’s lips turned up in a soothing smile and he whispered a tiny, “can I please kiss you?” 

Phil’s answering nod was all that Dan had needed before he breached the space between them and lightly took Phil’s cheeks in his hands, kissing him so softly, almost as though Phil would break. 

While the memory of it was a bit mortifying, just because Phil had felt like he was in high school again, he also wouldn’t change it for the world. That experience was undoubtedly one of the most tender moments he’d ever experienced. They were just two giant, nervous nerds that wanted so badly to share their bodies with each other without really knowing how. Dan had been so gentle and understanding, pressing soft kisses to Phil’s stomach, and Phil kissed Dan’s eyelashes and thighs in return. He had practically worshipped Dan’s body, had run his hands over Dan’s curves and the smooth skin of his waist. He especially liked Dan’s hip bones, liked how they jutted out when he laid on his back. He liked to grab them and pull Dan closer, until they were pressed together so tightly that Phil could hardly breathe. 

Phil had been uncertain in his movements, mainly because he wasn’t used to _not_ being submissive, hadn’t been an equal in bed in over a year, so he was freaking out half of the time. Dan didn’t care. He let Phil do the leading, let him choose the pace. When Dan had grabbed Phil’s wrist to hold him in place and Phil had started panicking, going back to a much darker time, Dan calmly suggested that they either stop or swap positions. 

It was different, it was embarrassing, it was vulnerable. But it was _real_ , and it made him feel so many things at once that he could hardly grasp for enough air. In a good way, though, like he was inhaling Dan, breathing him in until he was suffocating, surrounded by him and his love. 

_God_ , Phil was cheesy as hell. 

He shook himself out of his thoughts and focused at the task on hand. Now was not the time to be thinking about his sex life with Dan while Dan’s _parents_ were in the same building. Instead, he distracted himself by throwing on his best looking clothes and placing his glasses on his face. He didn’t have enough time to dry his hair and make himself look _amazing_ , so he ended up angrily towel-drying his hair as best as he could and then touseling it so it wasn’t plastered to his head. 

Once he deemed himself presentable, he took a couple of gulping breaths, trying to steel himself and mentally prepare himself to finally meet the Howells. When his meditation was finished, he finally swung open his door and headed to the lounge. 

He could hear light chatter coming from the room, and he stopped right before entering, hearing Dan explaining to his parents about how Phil was studying English Literature and how he’d taken some time off of school for personal reasons. Phil cringed when he heard who he assumed was Dan’s mum asking if Phil treated him okay, and he listened intently as Dan let out a light chuckle. He was probably nodding profusely as he said, “treats me better than all of my partners combined in the past.”

“But doesn’t he have some… you know, _mental_ issues after everything that happened?” Dan’s father asked in a hushed tone. Phil grimaced, but he couldn’t be mad because he understood their worry for their son. Hell, he was worried too. “Surely that’s not healthy for you to surround yourself with? Especially considering your own depression.”

“His past doesn’t define the type of person he is,” Dan replied confidently, and Phil fucking loved him. “Like, we have our issues just as any other couple does, but he doesn’t bring me down. We communicate with each other, and we’re both seeing separate therapists, so we have a really strong relationship.” Dan laughed awkwardly and Phil almost felt bad for leaving him to deal with his parents alone. Almost, except Phil was kind of having fun eavesdropping. “Sometimes I can’t believe he even likes me, you know? It’s like he’s a mystical gay Earth faerie and I’m just a boring human who’s cast under his spell.”

The serious tone to Dan’s voice made Phil laugh and shake his head, finally deciding to step out from his hiding spot from behind the wall. He cocked his eyebrow, putting a hand on his waist, giving Dan an amused look. “A mystical gay Earth faerie? Seriously?” The answering grin on Dan’s face made Phil shake his head in disbelief. “How long have you known I was eavesdropping?”

Dan stood and made his way over to Phil, putting his arm around his waist and squeezing him to his side. “Your footsteps aren’t exactly quiet, you clumsy oaf,” Dan teased. He kissed Phil on the cheek, and it was then that they both sobered up a bit, finally realising the situation and how Phil needed to meet Dan’s parents. 

All of a sudden, the reality of what was happening was hitting Phil, and he was panicking again. He tried to steel himself, tell himself that it was just Dan’s parents, that it didn’t matter if they didn’t like him because the only thing that mattered was that _Dan_ liked him and _Dan_ was happy with him. But on the other hand, these were Dan’s parents, who made Dan. Dan literally came out of his mum’s vagina. Shouldn’t Phil try to impress them in that case?

Dan’s mum was a lady with a warm face. She somewhat reminded Phil of his own mum, with laugh lines around his eyes and mouth. Her eyes were the same colour as Dan’s, a warm chocolate, and even her hair was similar to her son’s with beautiful brown ringlets. There was a smatter of red lipstick on her lips, and a dusting of blush on her cheeks. Dan’s father was also a kind looking man, with salt and pepper hair and blue eyes and a long nose. 

They both stood as Dan gestured to Phil, bowing and presenting him as though he were royalty. “At long last, meet Philip Lester,” Dan said in a voice much deeper than usual. “My astounding best friend and wonderful boyfriend.”

Phil snorted and lightly kicked him, forcing Dan to stand up with a grin. “Enough of that,” Phil muttered, and then crossed the lounge to shake both of Dan’s parents hands. “It’s nice to meet you both. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

Dan’s father laughed, his eyes sparkling, and Phil knew that they would get along just fine. “Trust me, I think we’re the ones who have heard the most about you.” The comment made Phil duck his head and blush, but only because he _knew_ that Dan talked about him a lot. After all, he constantly heard him talking on the phone with his mum about Phil and his whereabouts. Dan was slightly obsessed, and Phil didn’t mind in the least bit.

Dan and Phil took a seat across from his parents. They weren’t in each other’s laps, having respect for Dan’s family, but they were definitely sitting close enough that their thighs were touching. Dan put his hand on Phil’s knee, grounding Phil, showing him that he was here and that everything was okay. 

Phil leaned into him a little bit more.

They made small conversation, Dan’s parents asking Phil questions that he knew that they already knew the answers to. They asked him what he was studying, how old he was, what he wanted to do with his degree. Why he was taking a year off of school. Basically everything that Dan had already told them. And when Dan’s father asked Phil why he wanted to date Dan, Phil didn’t even blink. 

What a _dad thing_ to ask. 

Instead, he went on a long tangent, talking about how Phil had first met Dan at his work and how he had always made Phil enjoy his time as a server. He mentioned how he had gone through a rough time and Dan had been by his side through it all, even in his darkest moments. He talked about how Dan loved him when he didn’t love himself, and how he’d always urge Phil to be the best person that he could possibly be. Finally, he talked about their trust in each other, and how they communicated when something was wrong, and how Phil had never really had someone respect him like that before.

When he was finished, he could tell that Dan’s father and mother were pleased. Dan patted Phil on the knee, nosing his shoulder and pressing a kiss there, and Phil saw the blush on his face when he turned to smile at his boyfriend. 

“Well, it certainly seems like you two love each other,” Dan’s mum, Karen, murmured, and if Phil were anyone else, he would have cringed. But instead, he made the most disgusting sappy face and gave Dan a fond smile. 

“We do,” Dan and Phil replied at the same time, like those creepy couples who finished each others sentences. Honestly, they were definitely still in their honeymoon phase, still excited about the aspect of a relationship with each other and wanting to get in all of the affection that they could after not being able to do so for over a year. Phil didn’t think there was any shame in that, even if he _did_ find the entire thing a tad cringey. 

They decided to show Karen and Dean around their place, taking them into each room and pointing out the things that they were passionate about. Dan had gone on a long tangent about the painting hung on their wall above the television of some dogs playing poker, and why he liked it so much, and Phil talked about just _why_ he had so many stuffed animals sitting on the window sill. 

By then, Phil had relaxed enough that he had gotten over the initial shock of Dan’s parents showing up, and he was starting to just have fun with them. He liked it when he teased Dan by gloating about him in front of his parents, liked how Dan’s face turned red and how he swatted at Phil to shut up. He liked how Karen and Dean just smiled and urged on his teasing, telling him all about how Dan had been terribly afraid of dark windows as a child, and sometimes they _still_ caught him running past the windows in the house at night because he apparently felt like he was being watched. 

It was endearing, and it was fun, and Phil didn’t know why he had been so worried in the first place. 

They didn’t stay too terribly long, saying that they had just stopped by while they were on their way to Dan’s aunt’s house. Before they left, Karen pulled Phil into the kitchen, and it took all of Phil’s willpower not to freak out, memories flooding him of another mother telling him to be careful of his own boyfriend. 

But Karen didn’t say anything of the sort. 

Instead, she pulled Phil into a tight hug, which was a bit awkward because he was so tall. But Karen was definitely used to it, if Dan’s height was anything to go by. “Don’t hurt my son, you hear?” Karen said in a warning, yet light tone of voice. 

Phil chuckled and hugged her back, resting his chin on her head. “Wouldn’t dream of it,” he replied sincerely. 

He must have sounded truthful enough because Karen nodded and pulled away, giving him a soft smile. “Dan’s lucky to have you,” she said. “Especially after he wouldn’t shut up about you for _years_. It’s about time you got your head out of your ass and reciprocated his feelings!”

Laughing, Phil shook his head and agreed. “I know. I was pretty stupid back then, wasn’t I?”

“Unbelievably so.”

When they made their way back to the lounge, they caught Dan hugging his dad, face slightly flushed and his eyes a bit wet. Phil kept that in mind for when his parents left, but otherwise let Dan say goodbye to his parents. Phil shook Dean’s hand and hugged Karen once more, telling them that they could come over whenever they wanted, and then they were gone, leaving Phil with a slightly sniffly Dan.

He turned to Dan and nudged his shoulder, giving him a supportive smile. “What’s wrong, you?”

Dan shook his head and groaned, rubbing his hands over his face. When he was finished whining and groaning, he opened his arms, pouting at Phil, and Phil took him into his arms, hugging him tightly. He kissed Dan’s collarbone and waited for Dan to speak. It took him a moment, but eventually he got the words out. “My dad told me he was proud of me. Said that you seemed like a nice lad and he’s not seen me so happy in a long time.” Phil tightened his arms around Dan’s waist, not really knowing what to say, but showing that Dan could continue to talk if he needed to. “For a while they were upset with my decision to come to uni for a degree in directing, you know? Said that I wouldn’t be able to do anything with it. I was also pretty depressed for a while and I don’t think my parents really understood why. I think they’re trying to be supportive of me though, and it just… it feels really good, you know?”

Phil nodded and smiled into Dan’s shoulder, inhaling deeply. “I know exactly what that’s like. I’m really glad your parents are being more understanding of your life now. Life definitely isn’t easy, but you’ve accomplished so much, and that’s something to be proud of. _Especially_ when your parents didn’t understand why you were doing what you wanted to do.”

Dan sniffled and nodded his head, murmuring a small, “yeah.” 

It was clear to Phil that Dan didn’t want to talk about it anymore, so Phil took it upon himself to change the subject, squeezing Dan’s sides. “Plus, why _wouldn’t_ they be proud when you snagged a hunk like me?”

Pulling away, Dan smacked Phil’s chest and laughed loudly. Phil tried to kiss the smile from his face, but it just ended up with him kissing Dan’s teeth, which made him cringe at the feeling. He didn’t really like that, apparently. 

“Hey,” Dan started suddenly, looking at Phil with a small smile on his face.

“Mhm?”

“You wanna go take a nap?”

Phil chuckled and pecked Dan on the lips. “Man after my own heart. Is that even a question?” 


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy crappu! Chapter 33! Only one more chapter left and then this fic will be finished! I literally am in shock right now honestly. I'll save all the gushy stuff for the next chapter, but i'm still in shock lol. The final chapter is more like an epilogue so it may be out before Saturday since I already have half of it written! So keep your eye out for that! Sorry this chapter is late, i had a lot going on these couple of weeks and then like three hours ago I was almost finished with this but my roommate asked if I wanted to watch The Killing of a Sacred Deer (it's a movie i promise) and i was like. Um yeah who do you take me for OF COURSE! So here we are, three hours into sunday, and I'm an ass! Thank you all for reading this and for your lovely comments! The song at the beginning is from Somebody That I Used to Know by Gotye

_Now and then I think of when we were together. Like when you said you felt so happy you could die. Told myself that you were right for me, but felt so lonely in your company. But that was love and it's an ache I still remember_.

-

University starts before Phil is truly ready for it. 

One moment, he feels like he’s just minding his own business working and lazing around the house, and the next he’s scrambling to do last minute school shopping (i.e., buy a pack of pencils and that’s it). It hits him hard, but his friends are there for him and he even shares his creative nonfiction class with Charlie, so he can’t be too terribly mad. 

The first couple of weeks go by rather slowly. His professors are all nice, and Phil had gotten a doctor’s note from his psychologist saying that he may have to miss school sometimes due to an ‘underlying mental illness’, which really just meant his post-traumatic stress disorder that occasionally flared up here and there. While it had gotten better, he wasn’t completely healed yet. Apparently that shit either took years to go away, or even _never_ went away. But Phil was optimistic and every time he could smell Nico’s old cologne or watch Nico’s favourite show without going into freakout mode was a win for him. 

Things got stressful fast though, sadly, which is true for all of university. One moment, he was just minding his own business, scrolling through tumblr at odd hours of the day, eating snacks, and the next he was scrambling to finish a ten page paper about why sex education in school is important while completely forgetting to eat as he rushed to finish. Dan was practically shoving food down his throat during it all, berating him for not starting the paper earlier. 

What a hypocrite, honestly. Phil had seen Dan rush to finish a paper multiple times because his depression had gotten in the way of doing it earlier. At the least, he should at least understand when Phil did it too.

But then again, maybe he _did_ understand. Maybe he was shoving food down Phil’s throat and promising him a bubble bath after he finished because he knew exactly what Phil was dealing with emotionally, knew how hard it was to complete things on time when the world was pressing on your chest in a way that made it hard to breathe. 

After a while, his brain had had enough of the strain and decided to give up after five pages, spewing out a load of bullshit that didn’t make sense in the slightest. Phil buried his face into his palms, his eyes tearing up, and pressed his fingers against his eyelids to keep the wetness from leaking onto his cheeks. It didn’t really help too much other than to make his eyes hurt with the pressure. 

“Why don’t you take a break?” Dan asked softly, draping a soft blanket around Phil’s shoulders. He kissed the side of Phil’s head, nuzzling his nose into his hair. “Email your professor and see if she’ll let you turn it in a day late.” 

Phil laughed humourlessly, wetly. He didn’t think it was that easy. Plus, wouldn’t that just make him look bad by asking for special treatment? “And let my professor know that I was slacking on this assignment? I’d rather _die_.” 

Dan hummed and pulled Phil’s laptop off of his lap, ignoring the small protests that came out of Phil’s mouth when he did so. Without asking, he replaced the laptop with himself, plopping on Phil’s lap like he was a dog. He poked Phil’s nose. “Mental health isn’t being lazy or slacking, my dear boy. It’s an actual disorder of the brain that renders you incapable during periods of time where you would otherwise be okay. Sometimes you can be in a bad place for weeks, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Your professors already know that there’s something going on with you. Asking for an extra day to complete the assignment is just you trying to be responsible and practicing self care. If you don’t finish tonight, then you’ll look like you don’t care about it at all _and_ you’ll get points taken off of your assignment. Which would you prefer?”

In the end, Phil emailed his professor. Although he _did_ do it with a lot of whining and grumbling, just to make Dan mad. (It doesn’t matter that Dan doesn’t get mad at him anyways, no matter how hard Phil tried. He was always way too understanding, damn it). 

After only five minutes of refreshing his gmail anxiously, Dr. Lucifer replied with a chill, ‘ _Don’t worry about it, I’ll give you until Wednesday to complete it. Feel better Philip!’_ There was even a smiley face at the end, so out of place after Phil had carefully constructed his email, made sure there were no typos, practically typing out a double spaced, 12 point Times New Roman persuasive paper about why he needed an extra day to complete. And then here was his professor, signing off with a fucking _smiley face_. 

“Was that so hard?” Dan asked softly, brushing a hand through Phil’s hair.

Phil pouted and, because he was a jerk, pushed Dan off his lap light enough that Dan wouldn’t get hurt and could catch himself when he fell. “Shut your mouth, Howell, you owe me a bubble bath.”

Phil did end up getting his bubble bath, complete with a robot bubble bar from Lush, candles around the tub, and his favourite anime playing on his laptop that was set on the toilet so he could see. However, he also got an armful of Dan, which was something pure and good. 

When Dan joined the bath, it didn’t matter that they were both too giants trying to fit into one tub. It didn’t matter that Phil’s legs started to go numb after a while or that they had to get out quicker because they got too hot too fast. All that mattered was that they were spending time together, with Phil’s arms around Dan’s waist, gently running his nails over Dan’s stomach because he knew that Dan liked it when he did that. 

Most of the time, Phil liked to be held by Dan simply because it made him feel safe and warm and loved. But today, Phil wanted to be able to hold somebody. Holding something against his chest made him feel like his heart was full, like there was someone who needed him and who he needed in return. It was so relaxing, in his opinion, especially when that person was _Dan_ , who he could press kisses all over his shoulders and neck. Who’s hair he could mess with, twirling a curls around his finger and pretending like his fingers were curling irons. 

It was nice. It got Phil’s schoolwork off of his mind, that’s for sure. And when Dan turned around, capturing Phil’s lips in his, asking if he wanted a ‘good job blowjob’, Phil _definitely_ didn’t have any complaints.

-

Phil had a break in between his Poetry and his Creative Nonfiction class where he liked to go to the different dining halls to grab some food. Depending on the day, Phil would meet up with either Louise, Dan, or both, and they would have a meal together, talking about how their classes were going, or how _life_ in general was going. Phil really liked Louise and he was glad that they were getting to know each other better, thanks to Dan. 

Plus, seeing Louise and Dan together reminded Phil of how he and Chandler used to be. They had their own inside jokes and would sometimes just break into laughter as soon as they made eye contact for no apparent reason. Louise made fun of Dan with no shame and Dan laughed so loudly that his voice would go all high pitched and squeaky. 

Whereas most people may feel like they were a third wheel after something like this, Phil didn’t feel that way at all. It was nice on days where Phil didn’t feel up to talking too much, and it was nice on the days when Phil wanted to join in and create his _own_ inside jokes with them. Watching the two of them together was a gift in itself, because Phil liked to watch how Dan interacted with people who weren’t, well, _him_. 

When Dan wasn’t talking to Phil, his voice was louder and more brash, more obnoxious. He was more sarcastic, kind of _mean_ , but only in a joking way. He liked to tell people to fuck off, liked to tell them that they were twats. He cussed a lot and was a dramatic piece of shit that was so painfully obviously studying something in theatre. 

With Phil, Dan was all smiles and soft voices and warmth. Sometimes he would get all competitive and act like he was the most important drama queen on the planet, but then other times he would be all cuddles and kisses and compliments. Phil would _love_ to tell the whole world about Dan’s big praise kink whenever Dan was in his boasting mood with Louise, but he didn’t. When he smiled at Phil, he made these doe-eyes that really made him look in love, tone quiet when he teased.

In short, Dan was a lot gayer with just Phil around.

Today was just one of those days where Phil didn’t really feel like talking. Dan understood this and didn’t press him for answers, knowing by now that Phil sometimes just needed time to be quiet and think about life. Everyone had those days, and Phil was having a day like that now. 

Dan was holding his hand on the table, and Phil was grateful once again that they had opposite dominant hands, that way they could hold hands while still eating. Phil was eating a taco bowl made with spicy shrimp and Dan had gotten a sub sandwich with a taro bubble tea. Despite Dan’s efforts to make Phil try the drink, Phil refused, saying that he was afraid it would taste like a potato. 

Louise and Dan were in a dispute about which bubble tea flavour was the best. Louise was stuck on mango while Dan said that the milk tea and taro were definitely the best. Phil just smiled and sat back, sipping on his own earl grey bubble tea. He liked it, but it wasn’t the best he’d ever tasted at all. He just hadn’t been in the mood for anything particularly fruity, so this was the most logical answer.

“How’s your tea, Phil?” Louise asked, drawing Dan’s attention towards Phil as well.

Phil shrugged and sipped at it again. “Spicy. Wait, no that’s not what I-” he was cut off by the sound of Dan trying to hold in a laugh, but failing miserably as it came out with a snort. He made eye contact with Louise, whose eyes were watering from trying not to laugh, and then they all burst into laughter. The table was practically vibrating with their noise, and Phil’s throat hurt from cackling so hard. 

When Louise could finally get in a breath, she wheezed out, “Phil, that is the _whitest_ thing I have ever heard you say.”

“I forgot what the word for herbal was!” Phil whined, which only made Dan laugh harder.

“Earl grey isn’t even an herbal tea, Phil!”

Phil pouted and crossed his arms over his chest. “Your _mum_ isn’t even an herbal tea.”

Louise shook her head, taking a few deep breaths to try and calm down. Her makeup was a bit watery and messed up now, but it didn’t look bad. If anything, it was just endearing. “I can’t believe we’re still using your mum jokes.”

“I can’t believe you’re my friend,” Phil shot back, shaking his head in disappointment at himself. In all honesty, he was really grateful for both Louise and Dan, and they both knew that. Without them, Phil would probably just be sat in his apartment with no friends and sad piano music playing in the background. 

The epitome of depression. 

Just then, Phil glanced around the dining hall that they were in and his eyes came to a stop on someone who looked slightly familiar. It took him a moment to realise why they looked familiar, because this person had curly brown hair with blonde highlights, and Phil didn’t know anybody with blonde highlights. 

But apparently he did now, because Nico was standing across the dining hall, in line at the bubble tea shop. As opposed to the other times Phil had seen him, this time he was completely alone and staring right at Phil with a hard frown on his lips. 

From where he was sitting, Phil couldn’t see the freckle constellations on his face. He couldn’t see the colour of his eyes or how they shined emerald in the light. He couldn’t see the lines between his eyebrows or each individual strand of hair. He couldn’t smell his cologne or hear his voice. 

And yet, Phil _could_ hear his voice. He _could_ smell his cologne. He _could_ see the fucking freckles on his face and the glitter of emerald in his eyes and the lines between his eyebrows and each individual strand of hair. If somebody had asked him if he could draw constellations connecting each freckle together with only a pen and a piece of paper and no map, then Phil would be able to do it perfectly. Because even a year later, the memory of Nico was still burned into his head so intensely that he still couldn’t forget all of the tiny details that made up the man.

Dan squeezed Phil’s hand but Phil was so focused on the matter at hand that he hardly noticed. He could feel panic build up in him, making his skin pale and shaky. He felt nauseous, but it wasn’t as overwhelming as it had been whenever Phil had seen Nico before. This time, it was just a smooth thrumming in his bones, vibrating him, making him feel like his skeleton was trying to shed off his own skin. 

He hated that he was doing this in front of Louise, hated that he was showing weakness _once again_ in a public setting. Every time he thought that he was doing well, that maybe for once he was taking his PTSD by the balls and throwing it against the wall for good, it seemed to be thrown back in his face in one way or another. 

“Phil.” 

Nico didn’t look away and Phil couldn’t bring himself to either. They were frozen, thinking about a time when they were together, when Phil had put Nico first no matter what it did to his own mental health. Back when Nico’s opinion meant more than his own, when he had done everything to keep Nico and had gotten nothing in return but harsh words and a cold shoulder. Now being with Dan, Phil doesn’t know how he’d been with Nico for so long when he had constantly felt like shit. But he also knew that it wasn’t that simple. He’d been trapped by the sick idea that that was what love was supposed to be like, thanks to all of those sick love stories that made him believe that love meant sacrificing parts of yourself for your partner even if it makes you sad. 

“Phil. _Phil_ , hey.” 

Dan’s hands were on both of Phil’s cheeks then, turning his head to face him. His hands were cold against Phil’s hot cheeks, but his eyes were warm like tea. His eyebrows were crinkled with concern, his thumbs rubbing over Phil’s cheekbones to try to bring him back to the present. 

When he finally got Phil’s eyes on him, Dan smiled softly and bumped their foreheads together, nuzzling his nose against Phil’s. “Hey,” he murmured quietly. 

Phil tried to smile but he only succeeded in his lips twitching up slightly, eyebrows furrowed like he was worried about something. Face pale like he had seen a ghost. “Hi,” he whispered, voice shaking slightly. 

Ignoring Louise’s presence completely, Dan pressed a kiss to Phil’s nose. Feather light but full of feeling. Full of care. A small _I’m here for you_. Phil glanced out of the corner of his eye, back over towards Nico. He saw the way Nico was gritting his teeth, clenching his fists. Saw the way Nico muttered under his breath and then turned away, getting out of line and walking out of the dining hall. 

“Hey,” Dan said again. “Look at me. Are you looking at me?” He pulled away and pressed kisses against Phil’s forehead, his cheeks, the corner of his lips. Phil was looking at him now. He was always looking at Dan. “Good. Keep your eyes on me. I’m here, okay? Everything is going so well, _you’re_ doing so well. I’m so proud of you, you know? You’ve gotten so far and you’re doing things for yourself and even if you trip and stumble sometimes, you don’t let it stop you. You keep going no matter how hard it is. You’re so strong, Phil. You always have been.”

Phil closed his eyes, let Dan’s words wash over him. With Nico out of the room, he was starting to calm down, but it was hard to completely grasp the present enough to get himself out of the past. It was almost as though he had hands grabbing at his legs, trying to pull him under until he was gasping for breath, completely submerged in memory that he didn’t quite want to remember. 

Slowly, Dan started to pull him out, whispering to Phil how he inspired him every day to be a better person, how Phil had gone through hell and yet had gotten out despite not believing in himself. When he ran out of things to say, he started talking about what was going on in their lives at the moment, how Phil had gone back to school and was doing so many things with his life now. 

When Phil’s breath audibly stabilized, Dan kissed him lightly on the lips and pulled back slightly, looking at him with that calm smile on his face again. Phil’s eyes fluttered open and he stared into the warm brown, his heartbeat starting to calm. Dan grinned. “Better?”

Phil nodded and managed to smile back, albeit a bit shakily still. “A bit,” he rasped out. “I mostly just feel tired now.”

“Do you need to go back to the flat and skip out on Creative Nonfiction for today?”

This time, Phil shook his head. “No, I should go,” he sighed out, bumping his forehead to Dan’s and putting his hand on his knee, squeezing it lightly. “My writing journal is due today and I don’t want to deal with asking another professor for another extension. Better to just get it over with.”

Dan was beaming at him and he looked so full of sunlight that Phil was afraid he might burst. Phil gave him a quizzical stare, and if Dan was a dog with a tail, he would be wagging it right then. “You didn’t freak out that bad!” Dan exclaimed as reasoning for being so excited. Phil pursed his lips as Dan continued. “You didn’t pass out, you didn’t start crying or have to leave. Fuck, you’re even going to _class_ afterwards. That’s amazing, Phil!”

Phil was absolutely floored. He didn’t really think about it like that. All he had been thinking was that it was ridiculous that he was still dwelling in the past, that he was still panicking. Because he _did_ panic, he _did_ get anxious and upset. But this time, he had actually been able to get a hold of his emotions without something drastically changing. “I…” he started, and then laughed awkwardly, shaking his head in amazement. “Yeah, you’re right.”

While there was still anxiety inside of him, Phil hadn’t had a full blown panic attack. And it was while Nico was _in the room_. Every time Phil had imagined seeing Nico again, it had never turned out well. He had always thought he would freak out or pass out or all of the above. But this time, he didn’t do any of those things. 

“We need to celebrate,” Dan joked, and it was then that he seemed to realise that Louise was still there. Poor Louise, who was just eating her food and scrolling through her phone without paying them any mind. She was so obviously trying to give them space, but her ears perked when Dan started to speak to her. “Louise, do you wanna buy Phil an ice cream?”

Phil laughed in shock, shoving at Dan. He shook his head in disbelief. “You can’t just ask people if they’ll buy things for me, Dan!” he scolded his boyfriend, giving him what was supposed to be a harsh look. 

Louise jumped at the chance to be a part of the situation though, because she was reaching across the table and grabbing Phil’s hand in both of her own. With the most serious expression on her face that Phil had ever seen, she said, “I will buy you every goddamn ice cream in the world if that’s what you want.”

They stared at each other. Phil with his mouth hanging open and Louise with an unreadable expression. The longer they stared, the more laughter built up inside of Phil at the absurdity of the situation, and then they were both giggling. Louise squeezed his hand. “Seriously, Phil. I’m buying you ice cream whether you like it or not.”

“Fine,” Phil huffed. “Let’s have a full blown party in that case. I expect strippers.”

“Can’t forget the strippers. They’re essential,” Dan said.

Louise nodded and pulled out a mini notebook from her purse, jotting something down inside of it with a pink pen. “Got it. Ice cream and strippers. I’ll throw Phil the best gosh darn anti-panic-attack party there ever was and you better be there. Or else.”

Phil didn’t know what the _or else_ meant, but he knew that he was going to be there for sure, surrounded by people who he loved and cared about, and who felt the same for him. Because this was the kind of thing that people should throw parties for apparently, and he was just going to have to accept that.

Accepting it wasn’t very hard, after all.


	34. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys! Holy crap! This is... this is IT. It's the END. How can this be?! For an entire year, I've been writing this fic (since april!) and now it's done! First of all, I would like to thank irl Nico for making this possible and creating my greatest work yet, and also to my mom for birthing me. I'd like to thank you guys, my lovely followers, for reading and sparing your time for this fic. Yall are amazing and I couldn't ask for better people to read my fic. I've made a playlist with all of the songs from this fic, which can be found here: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYV9TPY0mBhgnB8Zee_tC_-Tzi23uBXzn&disable_polymer=true  
> If you guys have any questions to do with the fic and true events, head over to my tumblr @botanistlester and ask away! I love you all so much and thank you for everything :') I'm crying now hahaha. The song at the beginning of this is called Lucky by Aurora!

_What lies behind makes no sense in my mind but I know that it's time to let go. And I feel the light for the very first time; Not anybody knows that I am lucky to be alive_.

-

Phil used to think that the opposite of love was hate. That’s what everyone had told him ever since he’d been brought into the world, after all. If you hated someone, you didn’t love them. If you loved someone, you didn’t hate them. They were complete opposites and could never cross over into one another.

He didn’t believe in that saying anymore. 

Throughout his time with Nico, Phil had gone through many emotions. He had been in love, he’d been afraid, sad, angry, jealous. For a long time, he was stuck between despising Nico and loving him, the two emotions coexisting alongside each other in a way that everyone had thought was impossible. Because how could you hate someone that you loved? Didn’t that defeat the purpose of loving them because they were both on different sides of the spectrum? 

That’s why, about two years after Phil had finally said goodbye to Nico, he made the decision that love and hate weren’t very different after all. 

Both were very strong emotions, ones that took over your entire being and made you feel warm all over. Sure, they made you feel warm differently, but still _warm_ nonetheless. Love and hate both allowed a person to control your emotions; they had a hold on you almost like a collar. If they were opposites, then somebody would not be able to feel both at the same time, which was extremely common for those in abusive relationships. 

No, there was a thin line between love and hate and that line could easily be blurred and crossed. 

However, there was a third emotion. Or _lack_ thereof, technically speaking. Indifference. If you were indifferent towards a person, that meant that they do not have a hold over you anymore. Any actions that person does has no effect on you. They cannot upset you and they cannot control you. 

With love and hate, you have too much feeling towards a person. But with indifference? You do not feel anything. They’re just out there living their life and you’re out there living yours.

Phil had been through all the emotions on the spectrum when it came to Nico. But as soon as he turned indifferent, as soon as Nico’s actions stopped affecting him, that is when he honestly and truly knew that he was over him.

Sure, he’s still dealing with the aftereffects, and probably would for a very long time, but the thought of Nico didn’t make him quake in his shoes anymore. He didn’t hate Nico for what he’d done to him. In fact, he was _glad_ that he’d gotten through hell, because it made him stronger, made him able to inform others of the danger of abusive relationships. Sometimes he still had panic attacks, sometimes he still had a low self image, but it had nothing to do with Nico anymore or what Nico thought of Phil, and it had everything to do with Phil’s own mind trying to heal from his trauma. 

Dan was great in this way. He understood Phil as much as he possibly could, gave him space whenever he needed it, and also gave him a shoulder to cry on. It helped that Dan had been there while Phil was with Nico, that way he had a tiny glimpse of the situation beforehand to know what to prepare himself for. Phil didn’t think that he could have gotten this far so quickly without someone as supportive as Dan to help him through the hardest time of his life. 

He inspired Phil every day, held his hand through the rough patches, and ultimately made Phil into a better person. He made Phil want to live his life, not for _Dan_ , but for _himself_ , so he could be independent and free. So he could make himself proud. 

Sometimes Phil would fall into that headspace where he tried to do everything to make Dan happy without caring about himself, but Dan never let that go too far without putting a stop to it. He reminded Phil that he would love him even if they disagreed or had arguments. After all, that was a healthy part of a relationship, and he tried his best to help Phil understand that in times like those. 

All-in-all, Dan was supportive. He believed in Phil when he didn’t believe in himself and loved Phil unconditionally, supporting all of his actions in any way that he could. When Phil had first mentioned maybe making a youtube video about what he’d gone through so that he could inform people of the different kinds of abuse, Dan was ecstatic. 

He _actually_ had jumped up and down, telling Phil that he thinks it’s a great idea. When Phil had expressed his worry about Nico finding the video, he shook his head and told Phil that he had nothing to be ashamed of or scared of. Phil had a restraining order and Dan would protect him. He said that if Nico even so much as looked at Phil, he would beat his ass into a pulp. 

Even despite his rejection of the idea, Phil couldn’t deny that the image of Dan beating Nico’s ass was kind of attractive. 

And that’s how they got here, Phil sitting on his bed in front of a camera with Dan leaning against the wall across from him. Dan was smiling, looking so unbelievably proud that Phil’s entire soul hurt. 

He couldn’t believe where he’d gotten in his life. Two years ago, Phil had been at rock bottom, had dropped out of school, and had developed PTSD. Now, he was graduating with his degree soon, was living with his supportive boyfriend, and was making a video about his experience with abuse so that he could inform others and hopefully help someone just like him. He couldn’t believe it at all. 

And yet, here he was. 

“You ready?” Dan asked, giving Phil a thumbs up and a grin. 

Phil chuckled nervously and shook his head. “No, not really,” he replied. 

“How can I help?”

At the question, Phil stood up and leaned over to kiss Dan on the lips. The kiss filled him with warmth, with confidence. He chanted to himself that he was strong, that he could do this. That no matter how hard this was, it was definitely going to be worth it in the end. Because if he could help just one soul, no matter who they were, Phil would feel like his experience had been worth all of the pain.

He parted from Dan and sat back down on the bed, smiling abashedly. “Now I’m ready,” he said, which caused Dan to laugh brightly, head thrown back and eyes glittering in the light. 

Phil inhaled, closed his eyes, tried to ground himself from his head to his toes. When he felt like he was calm and composed, he opened his eyes and looked straight into the camera. 

Smiling brightly, he did a little wave, and his mouth spoke before his mind could stop him. “Hey, guys!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for coming this far with me. You are a gift and I love you.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! this fic updates on Saturdays


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